Walk Tease

The dogs assaulted me with non-stop sad and pathetic eyes today, causing me to feel guilty about not taking them out in awhile.

(It was rainy and I have a cold, but do they care about that? Not so much.)

So I lassoed them up and set out towards the great yonder (aka, CU Boulder).

Then a very sexy man on a bike rode by and I screamed out "hey hot stuff" and he stopped and I realized it was MY sexy man (thank goodness) and so he came over to say "hi".

And the dogs? Were NOT happy to see him. They finally get out of the house and I stop to talk to their father... who we see ALL THE TIME! They looked at me like I was torturing their very souls by wasting valuable walking time with this NONSENSE.

(Even though we had important things to discuss... like how he just finished a very long bike ride (show-off) and how I needed to paint my toenails... see, important.)

But then he left and the dogs were more than ready to continue our very exciting journey which included wet grass to roll in (woohoo), goose poop to eat (of course), and we even got to see two squirrels getting it on.

(Don't worry... I averted their eyes... they're not even four years old...)

(Hannah wanted to chase the fornicating creatures and I informed her that FOUR Americans die of rabies every year and I'll be damned if she's one of them.)

(Then a guy jogging by looked at me weird for watching squirrel sex and talking to my dog.)

So over all, Spring has sprung.

And the dogs are now happy.

Even though Bonnie tried to trip me while we crossed the street.

(Damn dog.)

I tell myself that it was an accident.

(In other news I got a haircut that I hate and it's making me so depressed that even squirrel sex can't make me feel better.)

(That sounded sad... and like I usually enjoy squirrel sex... which I don't.)

(Really... I'm not some squirrel loving freak...)

(Seriously.)

Fit or Fail: Let's Just Move on Edition

You know how I've been on a role with all of these FIT weeks...

Well...

This week? Not so much.

It started off pretty well; lots of exercise, riding bikes instead of driving, and eating pretty well.

And then I hit a wall.

And that wall was a big wall with a lot of Thai and Indian food on it.

And I decided to climb that wall and eat a whole lot of curry and noodles and naan.

(Mmm... naan.)

And then I got a cold. And I don't want to go to the gym when I have a cold (although I apparently have no problem going to a new Thai restaurant with a cold).

So I pretty much lost at this whole FIT or FAIL game this week. Especially in the last three days.

But I got my butt out of bed this morning (early afternoon) and went to the gym and walked for an hour on the treadmill (with hills and everything).

Hopefully that's a sign and I'll have a better time this week.

But we all need a few FAILs once in awhile, especially if the FAIL involves Pad Thai, Basmati Rice, and Saag Paneer.

Because those things make it totally worth it... at least every now and then.

(PS: If you read this on Sunday, Care.Com is having their last day of their Free Weekend, so be sure to take advantage.)

(PPS: I found a super cute purse for $4.98 today... I know that has nothing to do with fitness, but I'm so proud and excited that I'm giving myself a FIT for it anyway...)

Don't Say I Never Gave you Anything...

I read all sorts of blogs and a lot of them have special offers or free things to give away.

They are way cooler and nicer than me.

But then I got an email from the wonderful people at Care.Com.

The email said that they had a very special offer coming up this weekend and wanted me (and you all) to be a part of it.

(Why? Because you are all AWESOME... or something like that...)

Care.Com is a site that lists caregivers by zip code for their members to look up and use. There are babysitters, tutors, housekeepers, and even care for your elders.

So I looked at the site and was all "I don't have human children... And when I do have kids I'm going to hire me a very attractive male nanny to live with us. So why would I need a babysitter?"

(Don't worry, Mike. The attractive male nanny will be gay...)

But then they pointed out that they have a whole section for pet sitters, and they actually saw my blog and are therefore aware that I have two dogs...

(Which made me feel special... and a little silly for telling everyone about my future hot gay manny.)

Well, I usually just ask a friend or family member to stay with Bonnie and Hannah if we're out of town.

But sometimes our usual sitters are busy.

Or are also out of town.

Or are going out of town WITH us.

Or just had double-knee replacement surgery.

(Can you say "selfish"?)

So I could see how using this site would be extremely helpful.

Plus, it's super easy.

You just join the site and then enter your zip code.

Then, pages of caregiver profiles come up on the screen. These profiles include a picture, a biography, past experience, education levels, any qualifications or hobbies that would apply to watching your pet, and some even have references.

You can also request a (FREE) background check.

(Which is just fun to do... it makes me feel powerful... like the President... or the President's secretary, because I doubt that the President has to request his own background checks... I assume that they do that before the President enters the equation... at least I would HOPE so, because really, the President has more important things to do than to request his dog walker's background check...)

The profile also includes the days that they are available and what they are willing to do (take your dog for walks, administer medication, or even spend the night).

So, if I can't convince someone to stay with the dogs during our next trip, I will totally be using this site.

And guess what? If you visit Care.Com from midnight (PST) on Friday, April 24th to 11:59 PM on Sunday the 26th you can have FREE premium access to the site and you can see what I've been talking about.

So, if you think that this site might be useful for you and your pets (or your human children), you might as well go check it out.

And don't ever say that I never did anything for you...

Fit or Fail: Inspiration Edition

My friend Jeannie is totally making me look bad.

(She just can't help it...)

And it's not just because of the usual reasons (she's smart, pretty, and ALWAYS happy)...

First, you need some background.

Jeannie has two arthritic knees and a blood clot in her leg. These problems have lead to a lot of physical and emotional pain.

But she still manages to be positive and happy.

And you know what she did on Friday?

Ran six miles.

Me: Wait a second... SIX miles... non-stop?

Jeannie: Well, I walk for about 5 minutes in the middle, you know, to try and get the feeling back in my foot... but yeah... six miles.

Me: What the fuck, Jeannie? How is that even possible?

(I'm not a complete asshole. Seriously. I have just been a witness to many painful breakdowns because of her myriad of leg related health problems.)

Jeannie: I don't know... but I'm fine doing it. I go really slow, though.

Me: Jeannie, I just made it to 30 minutes on the elliptical, and I can't run for more than 3 minutes at a time... and I have FAKE arthritis in my knees!

(I told the doctor that I think that I have arthritis because my knees hurt. She told me I was just lazy... awesome.)

So Jeannie is officially AMAZING and I am... well... not.

Seriously, the girl never gives up. And she's never let some stupid blood clot keep her from participating in life.

(Sure, that 5K we did made her bed-ridden for 48 hours, but she still kicked ass at it.)

Later we were talking about The Biggest Loser.

Me: I don't like it because instead of being inspirational it just makes me sad because all of those 300 pound people can do more than me.

Jeannie: NO! When I'm on the treadmill I think, "If that 400 pound guy can run for HOURS, then I can go another mile..."

Me: Fine... so when I'm on the treadmill I should just think, "If Jeannie can run six miles, SO CAN I!"

Jeannie: EXACTLY!

Me: Great. You are officially my 400 pound dude.

Jeannie: YES!

So I tried it...

(Despite my feelings about running...)

I went to the gym the next morning and got on that treadmill.

(I asked Jeannie how she started this whole super routine and she said she started by running a mile...)

(Seemed a little ambitious to me... but oh well.)

So I started the treadmill (after warming up on the trusty elliptical) and ran... for three minutes.

Then I walked for three minutes.

Then I ran for three minutes.

And I continued until I reached a mile.

And the whole time I just kept reminding myself that I could do it. I could be like my awesome, wonderful friend Jeannie.

(I might have also cursed her name a few times... but that's the lack of oxygen talking...)

I'm not there... but someday we're both going to be going for the same "I love Edward Cullen" t-shirt and I will have be faster than her.

So I'll keep trying.

And I am VERY proud of you, Jeannie.

(I'm also proud of myself because I was going to make a bunch of jokes about how Jeannie is from Kansas and people from Kansas only run when the cows get out of the corral... but I didn't... because I'm respectful.)

(Wait a sec...)

(I know this wasn't a normal Fit or Fail post... but I'm hoping it will lead to some more FITs for my future lists...)

It's Still Raining so I am Here to Help...

It's still raining here in good ol' Boulder, CO...

As I am now an expert in passing time during rainy/snowy days, I have decided to share with you some of my wisdom...

(I'm kind of like Mother Teresa...)

And so, here are Ally B's Rainy Day Activities!

1) Read Ally B Speakin... so if you're already here, you're off to a great start... and you're pretty...

2) Watch the Lifetime Movie Network. Before you know it, it's Saturday...

3) Dance in the shower. Why "in the shower"? Because you probably haven't showered in a few days. Also, your house might be on the chilly side, and dancing in the warm water (as long as the warm water stays on) will help you out. Finally, dancing can cause you to sweat (if you're doing it right), so dancing in the shower allows you to do so without having to worry about sweating, because your cleaning as you dance. So grab your iPod stereo (or radio or tape deck or portable record player), place it in the bathroom, turn it on to your favorite song, and dance away... (Added bonus: if you pick a song that you like but your boyfriend doesn't it will get stuck in his head and he will sing it all morning... fun for you, annoying for him...)

4) Finish a book. Have you had a book sitting around that you have been meaning to finish for three weeks now? Tell yourself that you will not be getting out of your chair until that book is done. Sit down. Shut up. And read. And, again, you can't get up until it's done. Even if you have to pee. (Having to pee can actually help speed up your reading. You'll realize you have to pee but you'll only have 20 pages left, so you'll read those last 20 pages really really fast so that you can go pee. Before you know it, you're done! Of course, you probably won't remember what you read because the entire time you'll be thinking "have to pee, have to pee, 12 pages left, have to pee...") When you finish the book you'll have physical proof that you accomplished something during these rainy days... (You might also have a urinary tract infection... but at least you finished that damn book!)

5) Encourage your dogs to attack each other play together. Egg them on by pushing one into the other and then throwing toys in between the two of them so that they must fight for who gets the best toy... This may sound cruel, but I assure you, it's awesome. The dogs have been stuck in the house for awhile and they need to get some of their energy out. Also, you get to use your funny voices by exercising your sports commentator skillz:

"Thank you for joining us today on this beautiful rainy day... in one corner we have Bonnie "The DESTROYER" McWiggles and in the other corner we have Hannah "BONECRUSHER" McWrinkles. Bonnie is playing it cool, acting like she doesn't care. Uh-oh, Hannah is taking a major risk here, going in with a swipe of the paw to Bonnie's face... Bonnie is ignorin- OH! Bonnie just pounced on Hannah and is now going for the rope toy! But Hannah is there with a mighty roar! This match is still wide open!..."

You get the picture... especially since I do it in a British accent (that sort of sounds Jamaican). (I was going to post a video, but my camera is broken... I would blame Mike, but I think that the dogs are sick of being exploited on the internets, so they took matters into their own paws...) I want you to know that know dogs were hurt while entertaining me... Round one is over (it was a tie) and they are now curled up together on the floor... no doubt planning their next attack strategies.

6) Hide crackers around the house and then have the dogs find them. This is an excellent way for them to carbo-load for their next match.

7) Try a new hair-do. I curled my hair (not on purpose... it was wet when I sat down to finish my book and since I wasn't allowed to get up to brush it it ended up curly... well, half of it did... my hair is weird like that...) so I tried many different hairstyles. My favorite was when I put it all into a high ponytail and walked around so that the curly ponytail bounced and I felt like a cheerleader... which leads me to my next tip:

8) Make up cheers. "Give me a "R"! Give me an "A"! Give me an "I"! Give me a "N"! What does that spell? RAIN!! It's RAINING!! And I am B-O-R-E-D!! BORED!! Mike! Pay attention to M-E! ME!!"... it's just a little something I'm working on... it's much better than my first cheer where I spelled out some choice phrases that reflected how I felt about this damn rain... I'll spare you, though...

9) Get a hair stuck to the roof of your mouth... the further back you get it, the more time it will take you to remove it. This is a fun little game to play anytime because when you think you finally got it... you feel it back there again... tricky little bastard... but man does it pass the time!

10) And finally, if you just can't stand the rain and cold anymore: check the weather. It's supposed to be in the 60s and 70s next week... thanks, Colorado.

So there you have it! I should also point out that you can do any and all of these activities with or without the rain... so if it's sunny where you are, please do not hesitate to try one of these AWESOME suggestions!

And please share yours, too...

(PS: All of these become exponentially more fun with alcohol... though you all probably could have guessed that.)

(PPS: But no alcohol for the dogs... that's not cool... you can be drunk, but they can't... it's just a good rule of thumb...)

(PPPS: You're welcome...)

Would this be Called Row or Sain?

Apparently Colorado is having an identity crisis in the weather department.

It rained ALL DAY yesterday.

And today it's half raining and half snowing... so basically buckets of slush are pouring from the sky.

I don't mind the precipitation or the cold... I've lived in Colorado my whole life, so I'm used to it snowing well through the spring.

But this is NOT normal Colorado snow. It's heavy. And soggy. And squishy. It's just bizarre. And we don't get whole days of rain. It's just not our style...

But, again, I don't really mind.

(This is probably because I am unemployed and therefore don't have to go anywhere in this weather... if I were at an office right now, I would probably be pissed.)

Mike, on the other hand, does NOT like this weather.

It makes him Mr. Cranky-Pants.

(At least I'm blaming the weather... he might actually be Mr. Cranky-Pants because of something I did, but I refuse to believe that I could induce crankiness, so I shall blame the weather.)

One big reason for his mood is probably because he can't ride his new bike...

He got a super-sexy road bike. It's all black and shiny (which I really appreciate because he keeps his bike next to the front door in the house and the new bike looks much better with our decor... and that's really all that matters...) and it looks awesome.

Plus, his last bike is failing apart at the seams, so it's safer.

(Which also matters to me... pretty and safe: check.)

We're trying to come up with a name for his bike (because that's what our people do).

My beautiful bike is named Miranda, and she is adorable.

His is NOT an adorable bike. It is manly and sexy and sleek and belongs in some kind of commercial for hair gel or deodorant (not really sure why... but that's just what I picture...).

So we're thinking a sexy foreign manly name. The best we've come up with is Sven... but we're still thinking about it.

This is very important stuff...

(I lead a very busy and exciting life.)

I Usually have Better Taste than this...

It is no secret that I am lazy. I'm the first to admit it. And I accept it.

But yesterday's laziness was not entirely my fault.

I was going to blog, workout, finish reading my book...

It was rainy and therefore the perfect day to do all of those things...

But did I do anything even slightly productive? No.

And why?

Lifetime Movie Network.

What the hell is it about the Lifetime Movie Network that drags you in and keeps you there for HOURS?

I sat down to see if anything was good on TV and three hours later realized that I had FORGOTTEN TO EAT...

What is it about made-for-TV movies that are "ripped from the headlines" about serial killers and sex addicts? (Separate shows... though I'm sure they have something about Sex Addicts who Murder...) And why do they have an entire station dedicated to these movies?

I've always thought that Lifetime Movies existed to prolong the career of 80s teen stars like Tori Spelling and Molly Ringwald (don't get me wrong... every other commercial featured either Spelling, Ringwald, or Alyssa Milano.)

But did I realize I would spend an entire day glued to LMN? No...

And yet, there I was. Curled up on the couch on a rainy day, forgetting basic human needs like lunch, engrossed in crappy TV movies...

Well, if I were single and owned two-dozen cats, we'd have a problem. But I'm not, so I'll just enjoy.

There's a Lack of Duct Tape in the House

When Mike and I moved in together we became the proud parents of two adorable puppies.

They were friends from the beginning!

Was taking care of two brand new puppies difficult? Sometimes.

(Especially the potty training times.)

But would we go back and change it? Hell no.

With the two puppies came a new place and some new furniture... including my parent's old leather couch.

There was a tiny rip in one of the cushions (the product of other puppies from our family's past), but otherwise it was perfect.

And, apparently, perfectly delicious.

(For a more detailed description of the destruction of said couch, please read my first ever post on this here blog.)

We did our best to make the couch as disgusting as possible, but those puppies are persistent (and they eat dead animal and poop... so "disgusting" is a relative term), so our couch eventually turned into this:

We are classy...

On Saturday, it went to the dump. And even though I love our new couch... it was hard to say "so long" to our duct tape couch.

Sure, there were pieces of fluff and foam flowing freely from the cushions.

Yes, we have black sticky marks all over our clothes from sitting down to watch TV.

And yeah, one of the cushions (aka: the center one in the above picture) was so badly torn apart that it no longer actually fit into the couch, so it would slowly slope off of the frame to the floor about 13 times a day...

But it was OUR couch.

Our FIRST couch.

It was destroyed by OUR FIRST puppies...

So it was a little sad to see it loaded into a truck and taken to the dump.

(I tried to help get it into the truck, but ended up rolling a section of it into the tree in our front yard... so I was asked to just go inside... it's the effort that counts...)

(I feel the need to point out that Mike wanted to chop the couch up with a machete and then put a little bit of the debris into the trashcan every week until it was all gone... When I asked him where we would keep the couch during this whole process he said "the living room... duh" to which I said "not gonna happen... duh." I know relationships are about compromise... but no.)

Goodbye to our duct tape couch... you were a good couch for us... and we hope you realize that you are more at home in the dump than you were in our living room...

I had to get one last snuggle in before it left...

Fit or Fail: Non-Denominational Edition

I posted a status update on Facebook about me having to stay away from Cadbury Creme Eggs (because me being around those little ovals of amazingness could only result in a FAIL), and someone reminded me that it's still Passover, and I had to remind him that I'm pretty sure Cadbury Creme Eggs are non-denominational...

ANYWAY... Fit or Fail?

No huge FAILs this week (I could have drank more water and eaten less food on some days... but nothing too exciting or horrible...)

But I did do a couple of FIT things (on top of my regular workout schedule).

FIT: I walked to campus (almost) everyday for the Conference on World Affairs.

It brought back so many memories... me as a student... waking up early... to take the bus up to campus... because walking there SUCKS.

It's all up-hill.

And up-hill + 5400 feet above sea level + my very serious tiny-lung syndrome = lots of sweat and wheezing... but I did it!

FIT: I rode my bike up to campus! Actually, that's not really true. I tried to ride my bike up to campus but the tires were flat... so I had to walk my bike up to campus (still FIT).

I still wore my helmet though (safety first!) because me around bikes pretty much means danger.

(I would actually prefer to wear a helmet for most activities... but the people at the gym said I was "making a scene" when I insisted on wearing my helmet on the stationary bike... and the elliptical... and the "vagina destroyer"...)

Anyway, it's a FIT because I could have just driven it up there, but I didn't!

FIT: We moved all of our living room furniture. And even though Mike supported more of the weight on the big items, I still get a FIT for participating.

(By the way, when you say "lift with your legs", I have no clue what you're saying to me. I mean, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure my ARMS are lifting the television... NOT my legs. I would guess that lying on the ground to use my legs to lift the couch would be a bad idea... This is probably why I was told to carry the couch cushions instead of the actual couch...)

Otherwise, I just continued to eat as well as possible and work out a few days a week. Overall it was a FIT week...

(In fact, there are VERY few red FAILs here... it's a little bland... where are my damn Cadbury Creme Eggs?)

Noted

Note to self:

When the laundry begins to actually jump out of the hamper (I'm finding clothes on the other side of the room... and the dogs SWEAR it wasn't them...) it just might be time to suck it up and do the laundry.

Otherwise you'll end up having to consider re-wearing dirty socks, and then the gravity of the situation will sink in.

Note to self:

The same goes for the dirty dishes in the sink... without the dirty socks revelation.

Note to self:

Hannah is TERRIFIED of toddlers on Big Wheel bikes.

If she sees one she will not walk within ten feet of it, she will attempt to walk between your legs (causing you to almost fall on said toddler and Big Wheel), and then she will continue to throw horrified puppy glances over her shoulder for at least two blocks, lest the evil creature sneaks up on her...

So, add "Toddlers on Big Wheels" to your Excel spreadsheet on all of the things your Golden Retriever is scared of... right after the noise the iron makes when it releases steam.

And, if at all possible, avoid such encounters in the future.

Note to self:

Cleaning in the spring is a complete WASTE OF TIME.

You will work very hard to sweep and vacuum and dust and as soon as you finish and are just starting to feel pretty proud of yourself a crazy Aussie Shepard named Bonnie will come inside and there will be mud EVERYWHERE.

(Seriously, people... I'm going to have to start charging guests for spa treatments when they come and sit on the couch...)

Note to self:

Don't wear cute clothes around the house for the same reason (this sort of explains the laundry situation...)

Trust me... you'll put on a really cute outfit and be all excited to go to your boyfriend's birthday party and then that same Aussie Shepard named Bonnie will come inside and decide that she must remind you just how adorable she is by SITTING ON YOUR CHEST.

And when you feel that slimy mud covering her paws and you scream for her to GET OFF she will think that your screaming is a demonstration of JOY and she will get excited and start trying to lick your ears.

And then you will also have to redo your makeup because you have a muddy nose print smudged under your right eye...

Note to self:

STOP leaving the house in your workout clothes with no makeup and dirty hair.

Before you know it you'll be standing in front of 100 people saying "Oh shit" and you'll suddenly say to yourself: "DAMMIT... I don't even have mascara on... and is that a muddy paw print on my yoga pants?"

Note to self:

Cherish the things that make you laugh and smile...

My thoughts are with some fellow bloggers, Heather and Mike, who lost their beautiful little girl, Maddie, yesterday.

Coming Out

This week is the awesome Conference on World Affairs at CU Boulder.

It's pretty much just a gathering of hundreds of experts in all sorts of subjects from all over the world who sit on panels about all sorts of topics.

(It also draws an amazing amount of senior citizens... who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to yell about those "damn skateboarding college punks"... which just isn't safe... seriously, I almost walked into about a dozen of them... and these people are not very stable... they would go down like a bag of... old person... anyway...)

It's free and open to the public (enter dangerous senior citizens...), and because nobody wants to hire me I'm taking some time off, I finally have the time to go to some of the panels.

I've been to panels about literature, journalism, and writing.

Some were good, others were so-so.

(Meaning some kept my attention for over an hour... and I politely ducked out of others.)

But today I went to a WONDERFUL panel called "Geek Culture: Sci-Fi, Superhero Movies and Comic Books". The panel included Jim Emerson, Robert George, and Andy Ihnatko.

(Self-admitted SUPER-GEEKS from the film, journalism, and technology worlds.)

I went on a whim because I heard Andy speak in an earlier panel and really enjoyed what he had to say...

(Aka: he made me laugh.)

I also went because I was curious.

I've previously written about how I love superhero movies and how I encountered an identity crises after reading and loving The Watchmen.

So the title spoke to my inner-geek.

Well... I loved it. The panel was engaging, fun, and informative. I found it pretty crazy just HOW much I enjoyed it. I started to ask myself just how much of Ally B is considered to be "geek".

So I got up (in front of about 100 people) and asked the following question:

"I read The Watchmen and I loved it. But I sort of had an identity crises. I was like, 'Oh shit! Does this mean I'm a geek?' So, what defines someone as a geek? And is that definition expanding with technology and the internet because I get called a 'geek' for blogging and twittering... do you have to reach some level before your admitted to 'The Club'?"

During my question Robert George said that he loved "geek coming out stories" and Andy Ihnatko started a round of applause to "welcome me to the club".

(I felt like a superstar...)

Andy then said that being a "geek" is about being passionate about something - anything - and NOT CARING if people think your odd or "geeky" for that passion.

He then said, "You're in, babe."

(SUPERSTAR!!)

So I started thinking that maybe I truly am a "geek".

I love superhero movies and the graphic novels I've read have been extremely entertaining...

I get giddy talking about social media (Twitter, Facebook)...

I'm in love with a literary vampire...

I am a participant/host of a weekly screening of LOST...

I created my own superhero with a super STICK as my super weapon... (although that's not geeky... it's just logical...)

AND... I ran home to blog about this...

Yeah... I think I'm a geek.

So... I'm out of the closet. I'm free! I am a geek...

And I'm honored.

PS: When I got home I found that someone had Twittered this: "Girl read watchmen and liked it, and thought, oh shit now I'm a geek." Awesome...

PPS: Dad - When I mentioned the senior citizens I was NOT talking about you... you're not dangerous... you're cool...

Fit or Fail: World of Pain Edition

A very brief assessment of how I did on this past week's goals:

Eat healthier

• FIT: for the most part, I was very good! I ate NO Thin Mints!!

Work out four times

• FIT

Increase the weight of my strength training

• I tried to do at least one rep at a higher weight than I normally do... so FIT.

Interval train for my cardio

• This referred to the times that I went on the elliptical. I did interval training the first to times, but not today... you will soon learn why that was IMPOSSIBLE... so I'm calling this a FIT because I would have interval trained today if MY LEGS WORKED... again, more on that soon.

Eat on a more regular basis (aka, avoid that fainting feeling if at all possible)

• I'm still working on this one... I'm still learning the most appropriate way to spread my food out throughout the day... so it's a work in progress... but also a FAIL.

Move on my non-workout days (even if it's inside)

• I missed Wednesday. We were in the hospital all day, but it still makes it a FAIL. But the rest of the days I did very well, so I'm not beating myself up over it.

Convince Mike that me shoveling the snow really doesn't help ANYONE and that the job should either be his or outsourced to a teenager...

• The conversation hasn't come up... yet. Maybe I'll make a video about it...

Also, I get a FIT because I didn't make a whole birthday cake for Mike, and therefore didn't eat a whole birthday cake... we did have a treat (three cheers for donuts!), but I factored it into my daily calorie budget, so I'm not counting it as a fail...

NOW… the reason that was so brief is because I have something else VERY important to write about.

I am here to tell all of you to STAY AWAY from this machine:


Or it's cousin:
These are the hip abductor and adductor machines.

They should be torn apart and burned.

They should have a warning on them with a big picture of a crying vagina on them.

That's right... I said it.

In fact, I am now naming these machines the "VAGINA DESTROYERS"... complete with capital letters and angry red font.

(I know I could just say that these machines are responsible for intense groin pain... but I'm taking it to the next level because that's how I roll…)

So I used these horrible torture devices a couple of days ago and now I can't walk without looking like a duck... who was shot in the groin.

Seriously. This machine is pure evil.

It was probably invented by Lord Voldemort.

Or the Volturi.

Or republicans.

If I ever return to these damn machines (I'll have to gain function back in my lower extremities first...) I'll have to perform some sort of ritual with a burning sage stick, big drum, and possibly a medicine man, all in an effort to ward off all of the bad, vagina-hating spirits that obviously haunt them.

So, consider this my Public (Pubic?) Service Announcement...

(Goals for this week are to continue along the same path as last week. It seems to be working.)

(But with less duck walking... hopefully...)

(AND I should mention that I get a HUGE FIT for going and working out today, even though I could barely make it onto the elliptical machine...)

(I'm kind of amazing...)

Happy Birthday, Mike! (My Directing Debut)

Dear Mike!

Happy 24th Birthday!

I was going to write you another letter... but everything I write is really bland and boring. And it really can't compare to the eloquence of Scott's post about your birthday...

So, to make it less bland and boring, I made a video of you and me talking about your birthday!

PS: You can't understand it that well... just pretend we're drunk... but trust me... it's awesome.

PPS: That's a lie. It's actually REALLY lame... And not funny at all... and kinda creepy... but I can't think of anything else to do...

PPPS: Happy birthday. I love you.



PPPPS: Apparently April fourth is a very popular baby birthing day. Happy birthday, Mark! And Robert Downy, Jr!

PPPPPS: You can make your own text-to-movie video here. But why you would try to top my AMAZING job at video making is BEYOND me...

PPPPPPS: Thanks to The Bloggess for the link... her video is hilarious (of course)...

In the Waiting Room...

Mike's dad is getting his knees replaced right now, so we're all at the hospital in Denver waiting.

I had this whole plan to ask him these life altering questions before he went into surgery, you know, to make him think about what's really important in his life, but it took TWO HOURS to get here.

(We didn't get lost... we just weren't going to right way...)

(I kept having to call my dad to ask him to be my IPhone and tell me where I was.)

(I want an IPhone.)

ANYWAY... I was not able to practice my amazing interview skillz, so I will ask Mike the questions that I wrote down, instead.

Question: Would you prefer to be a zombie or a werewolf?
Mike: A vampire because then you'd actually pay attention to me.

Question: What flavor of Jell-O would you be?
Mike: Lemon-Lime because I'm a little sour and a little sweet... even though those are both sour.

Question: A train is traveling at 60 miles per hour going west and another train is going 67 miles per hour east... what do you order for dinner?
Mike: Insufficient information is provided.
Me: Sorry, we were looking for Chicken Cordon Bleu as your answer. You fail.

Yeah... so it's a real shame that I wasn't able to ask his dad... maybe I'll ask him later... while he's on drugs.

In other news... I really don't like hospitals. They smell weird. And feel weird. And you have to be quiet. And they're boring.

Like, I really want to go find the "On-Call Room" because I watch Grey's Anatomy and Scrubs so I know that all of the hot doctors "play doctor" with each other in there... but every time I try to sneak around and find said room the old ladies who volunteer at the information desk give me dirty looks.

So I tried to army crawl past them and was hit by a wheel chair and the old ladies were like "what are you doing, young lady?" and I was like "looking for the hot doctors who are gettin' it on" and they said "where are your parents, young lady" and I was like "you sickos, I'm not going to see hot doctor sex with my PARENTS!"

Some people are SO rude...

So they asked me to leave and so I'm wandering around listening at all of the doors that look particularly romantic...

The doctor just came out and said that Mike's dad is doing great and has two new knees...

I wanted to ask him if he is now considered a cyborg or robot... but I'm already on thin ice with these people.

But I'm going to assume that yes, he is a robot now...

(Did I mention hospitals bore me?)