One of *Those* Days

I had some very simple goals today.

Get up, get dressed, work at a coffee shop, and go grocery shopping for a nice dinner.

(We're having a nice dinner because JIM AND PAM ARE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT!!)

(Yes, I realize that I'm cooking in celebration of the marriage between a fictional couple but ohmygodit'sJimandPam'swedding!!)

(Moving on.)

So I went to a coffee shop, unloaded my stuff, and went to buy a hot chocolate with... my forgotten wallet.

I forgot my god damn wallet.

So I re-packed my stuff and drove home and got my god damn wallet.

Then I went back and drank my hot chocolate and worked for a couple of hours, and then I went to the grocery store.

I walked in, grabbed my wallet, and grabbed my... non-existent grocery list.

I lost the god damn grocery list.

So I stood in the corner and tried to remember everything that I need for tonight.

Chicken? Check.

Veggies? Check.

Milk? Check.

Hot chocolate because wow it's cold outside? Check.

I got it all, came home and looked at the recipe and... got back in the car because I forgot a god damn key ingredient.

But, being the positive gal that I am, I decided it was a blessing because I also forgot to get my Count Chocula.

(Very important diet staple, people.)

So I went in, got the key ingredient for my celebration dinner of a fictional marriage and... they were out of Count Chocula.

The hell? It's OCTOBER, store! You know? The month of HALLOWEEN! It's the prime season for Vampire related chocolate-y-marshmallow-y goodness!

Seriously?!?!

So I got the Magically Delicious variety of dried marshmallow cereal instead...

(Maybe I'll pour some of that hot chocolate mix in there?)

Now I am home and in my comfy pants because, let's face it, it's where I'm obviously supposed to be.

PS: Bonnie was far too excited to see me in my comfy pants. She's just finished her 37th lap around the house all while thinking (I assume) "Mama's home! First she left! Then she came back! Then she left! Then she came back! Then she left! Then she came back! And now she's in comfy pants so she must be staying and it's so exciting because ohmygod I missed her!!" That, or she's high.

PPS: No, I don't get my dog high, you psycho. I'm just saying that it's a possibility since she's acting all crazy excited. If she is high it's totally not my fault... I blame the media.

PPPS: While driving to the store for the second time I realized that Bonnie's Halloween costume is a bee... which is sad. That's sorta like dressing a kid who's allergic to peanuts... as a peanut...

PPPPS: Yes, the dogs have Halloween costumes. Bonnie has a wildly inappropriate bee costume and Hannah has a flower costume... We. Are. Awesome.

Yes, I do Write Letters to my Dogs

Dear dogs,

The other day we went for a walk, and you did really well.

You didn't freak out when that old dog who sleeps in his front yard barked at you because you were within 27 feet of his territory.

And you didn't try to eat any bees.

(Can you say "progress"?)

Of course, you did start to freak out when that old man was walking several yards behind us, because you were JUST NOT HAPPY he was there.

But that's okay, because it's good to have you protect me.

And then you were all excited because you got to see Grandma and Grandpa because you love them and they give you those big bones that we don't let you have anymore at home because the vet told us you were c-h-u-b-b-y.

But then... we were driving home and there was a tiny little dog in the car next to us at a stop light and you...

ATTACKED THE DOOR.

Seriously??? WTF, girls?

-Mama

PS: Yesterday you gave me your famous sad eyes and forced me to take you out in the rain to roll around in the grass.

I will be expecting my "Mama of the Year" plaque any day now.

Laugh

After I spoke at my grandmother's memorial two weeks ago, I was approached by several people who all said the same thing:

"You should do stand-up comedy."

I know... it's a weird thing for someone to say to the granddaughter of the deceased. But I guess I was flattered.

I managed to make people laugh during a pretty shitty situation, and that's always cause for celebration, huh?

But I didn't stand up there intending to make people laugh. My grandma was just a funny person (the woman wrote jokes in her will, people), and so I just spoke about what I thought she'd want to hear.

(Which just happens to include telling everyone in the room to vote Democrat, because if they didn't, she'd know.)

I could say a lot more about the past two or three weeks... but it's just not gonna happen.

The Importance of Good Goals

The other day Mike and I were watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and I decided to explain to Mike that one of my favorite names of all time is Mariska Hargitay.

Seriously, say it.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

MARISKA HARGITAY!!

Don't you feel awesome?

I believe that now is the time to tell all of you (including an representatives of Ms. Hargitay, because they totally read my blog) that I do not have any unnatural feelings for or against the actual Mariska Hargitay.

Just her name.

Really, I'm not a stalker.

So I'm telling Mike that Mariska Hargitay is a great name and really we should get some sort of pet and name it Mariska Hargitay.

Like a goldfish... or a ferret... or a TURTLE.

Then I went through a whole scenario where we live in our house with Bonnie, Hannah, and Mariska Hargitay the Turtle. We spend our days lounging around, feeding Mariska Hargitay the Turtle lettuce leaves and telling Hannah to "PUT MARISKA HARGITAY DOWN!!"

Then I told Mike about how I've been reading a lot of blog posts about the importance of goals, and how one of them suggested writing your goals down as a statement with a date, rather than a desire with no set time. This means that instead of saying "I want to eat 37 hot dogs in an hour", you say "In July 2013 I have eaten 37 hot dogs in an hour".

SO, I told Mike that this seemed like a good idea, so I have a turtle named Mariska Hargitay in December 2011.

(Christmas present, anyone?)

Then Mike told me to shut up and watch the rest of the show.

Well, THEN I saw one of those police officers break down a door with one of those long door-breaker-downer-thingys (technical term) and decided that I wanted to do that. So I have a door-breaker-downer-thingy in 2o12.

THEN I started thinking that it would be REALLY cool if we had a turtle named Mariska Hargitay who fought crime. So I came up with a whole scenario where I would break down the doors and then send in Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and we would play the theme song from Law and Order and we would be FAMOUS.

THEN I started thinking that we probably shouldn't be fighting any really scary criminals because in all honesty Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and I wouldn't be the *fastest* of crime fighting teams.

(And that's not necessarily because Mariska Hargitay the Turtle would be the slower of the two of us.)

So I decided that we will need a niche in the crime fighting world. And that niche should be to go after people with unpaid parking tickets. But even those people have the potential to be scary. So we're going to go after people with unpaid parking tickets who are addicted to marijuana, because, really, what's more harmless to me and a turtle than stoners who don't pay their parking tickets.

(Why yes, I am a genius.)

So, in September of 2014 (I figure we need some time to train), Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and I are breaking down doors to fight criminals who have not paid their parking tickets and who are high.

There's really nothing more important than goals.

Birthday Wishes?

Time: 1:15 PM MST

Call to: Ally's Father

Conversation as follows:

Dad: Hello?

Me: I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALL AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY!!

Dad: OK, hang on. *hangs up*

Time: 1:16 PM MST

Call from: Ally's Father

Conversation as follows:

Dad: *The Happy Birthday Song*

Me: WOW! Thanks... that was completely unexpected.

Time: 1:18 PM MST

Call to: Ally's Mother

Conversation as follows:

Mom: Hello?

Me: I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALL AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY!!

Mom: Well, I was being respectful.

Me: Respectful of what?

Mom: I wanted to let you sleep in on your birthday morning.

Me: MOM!? It's one o'clock in the freakin afternoon... how late do you think I sleep?!

Mom: Well, then I got busy. Retirement makes me a very busy woman. Plus, I'll see you in a couple hours. I'll call you soon.

Time: 1:21 PM MST

Call from: Ally's Mother

Conversation as follows:

Me: Hello crazy woman.

Mom: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUNSHINE!

Me: You saw my tweet, didn't you? You're just trying to make up for it so that I retract my tweet, aren't you?

Mom: Oh, let me guess, you wrote about how unloved you are?

Me: No... that's what my blog is for.

Then she went on to tell me about what an adorable outfit she's wearing today.

Awesome.

My brother didn't even pick up the phone... he is probably hiding. BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE MESSED UP.

PS: I did get a call from my Grandma... she said she forgot the words to Happy Birthday...

PPS: If you sent me a note or email or text or sky writing message: thank you. I appreciate it. You are awesome. My parents and brother should be ASHAMED.

PPPS: Not really... I forgive them... because I am now a GROWN UP, people.

PPPPS: Mike said that my birthday presents are on the bed and that I am NOT allowed to go in there. So I threw some cereal in there so that Hannah would go after it and then maybe retrieve the presents "by accident"... it didn't work. *Golden Retriever FAIL*.

PPPPPS: And now we're out of cereal. Damn.

ATTACK

My mom and I went camping with a whole gaggle of girls this past weekend.

And by "camping" I mean we took two amazing RVs up to a lake less than an hour away where we ate cheese and crackers and had root beer floats and an amazing variety of alcoholic beverages... and I got to sleep in a feather bed.

(VERY important when it comes to sleeping in the great outdoors.)

Then, on the first night, while I was brushing my teeth, my mom decided to set up the coffee pot for the next morning.

Mom: Um, that's weird... wait... what?... OH MY GOD!!!

Me: What are you whining about?

Mom: ANTS! In the coffee pot!!

Me: Ants? *Walks over and expects a few ants* HOLY SHIT! *Sees a SWARM of ants pour from a large coffee pot in a flood of moving back GROSSNESS*

Mom: KILL THEM!

What followed was several minutes of my mother and me smashing insects and trying to drown them in the sink (with a very small supply of RV water).

Then, just to be sure, my mother decided to send an array of cleaning chemicals down the drain... a concoction of 409, Windex, and Easy Off Foaming Oven Cleaner seemed to do the trick.

(And caused my eyes to water and my throat to swell shut... but DIE ANTS DIE!!)

Then we cleared off the entire counter, my mom pointing at anything that moved and me spraying the offending creature with my pistol of 409 spray.

(All while screaming KILL THE FUCKERS and OhmygodOhmygod-we're-going-to-die.)

This is why we don't camp.

PS: At one point one of the little dogs went into another room (yes, this RV has ROOMS), and my mother promptly screamed that the ants had taken the dog away... THAT'S HOW MANY ANTS THERE WERE... (and how freaked out my mother was by this event). (Logic has never been her strong suit in a traumatic event.)

PPS: If you're part of some Ant-Loving organization and find the mass murder of these ants offensive... screw you.

PPPS: I am currently in Florida with my grandmother, mother, cousins and great aunts... the sentence "We're not dysfunctional, just funny" has been spoken... It's going to be a LOOOOONG, very humid week.

Devil Kitty

I have written about my lack of love for cats before.

Well, Lightning Legs went and got herself a little bitty kitty, so I had to re-evaluate my feelings about cats. I mean, a cat is now a part of the family, so I have to get over my fear that a cat will rip out my throat when I'm not looking.

(Or at least make my peace with it.)

So I went to the store and got a whole bunch of cat toys to appease the devil kitty.

(BTW, cats toys? Look exactly like sex toys. What the hell is up with that?)


I also made Marlin (that's the devil kitty's name) a card...

When we showed up at the house, I immediately ripped open all of the toys and scattered them across the floor.

(Keep the kitty distracted from your neck = number one rule in devil kitty survival.)

Soon, I had Marlin attacking everything in site (EXCEPT my vital organs), and he had no interest in me:


While I was trying to appease the devil kitty with my offering, Mike told me that I was doing pretty well for someone who hates cats.

I explained that regardless of how I feel about cats in general (DEVIL!!), Marlin is so freaking cute it hurts... I then compared the kitty to Dexter: he's adorable, and I love him, but at the end of the day, he's still a serial killer.

I'm very happy that Lightning Legs has Marlin... but I won't be sleeping over at her house anytime soon...