Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Are you There, Zeus? It's me, Ally B

Dear Zeus,

So, I know that I've been complaining a lot about it being freezing and all. And I understand that you may have been a little upset about my whining, but seriously, dude, what is up with the wind?


Is it totally necessary to send hurricane force winds down on Boulder that causes my patio furniture to fly across the backyard?

Is it totally necessary to make it so windy that the dog door flips open so far that a small child could crawl through off of the street?

(This is my biggest fear about having a dog door. Not that a raccoon, coyote, fox, mountain lion, or burglar will crawl into the house. Nope. Small needy children scare me the most.)

And do you really have to make it so windy that I can't sleep without bolting upright every hour because the neighbors trashcans are being thrown against their wall outside of my bedroom window?

I have had enough wind to last me another year. While we were in NZ, you send a crazy-ass-hurricane down on us when we stayed in Milford Sound.

Sleeping in the parking lot of a campground, in a very unstable RV, in said hurricane was, like, the worst night ever!! I stayed awake all night afraid that we were going to roll over onto the car next to us and then be swept away by a flood.

(Poor Mike... I clung to him like a spider monkey the whole night whimpering...)

And so, please cut it out.

I live in Boulder, Colorado, not Kansas.

My name is Ally B, not Dorothy.

I have no desire to wake up in Oz... even if it is in Technicolor.

And I would like to be able to drive down the highway without fear of another truck bed flying through the air at oncoming traffic.

(Seriously. It happened today. Saw my life flash before my eyes.)

So, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, please quit it. The wind does NOTHING for anyone... and I will sleep better knowing no babies will be crawling into my house.

Sincerely yours,

Ally B Hatin' the Wind

PS: Feel free to send a new puppy through the dog door, though. Just take some precautionary steps to make sure Bonnie doesn't eat it before I wake up.

(Picture from seemikedraw.wordpress.com)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Quote from a New Vampire

From You Suck: A Love Story by Christopher Moore (2007).

"I'll always be the same?"
"Just like I am now?"
"As far as I know," Jody said.
"But I was going to start working out. I was going to be buff. I was going to have abs of steel."
"No, you weren't."
"I was. I was going to be an awesome hunk of muscular man-meat."
"No, you weren't. You wanted to be a writer. You were going to have little stick arms and get winded when you hit the back-space key more than three times consecutively..."
"What about the writer thing? Will my brain always be like this? I mean, will I get any smarter, or is that stuck in time, too?"
"Well, yeah, but that's because you're a man, not because you're a vampire." (pg 8)

I feel like this is the type of conversation Mike and I would have if we were to join the undead.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Christmas Story

Ally B went to a very busy store on Christmas Eve Eve.

She didn't want to go, because said store has a TERRIBLE parking lot, and it being Christmas Eve Eve, Ally B did not want to deal with the parking lot from hell and about 40 billion people Christmas and Hanukkah shopping at said store.

But a Christmas present needed to be gotten, as it was for Lightning Legs, and she would be sad if Ally B did not brave the hellish parking lot and throngs of people.

And because Ally B is selfless (sometimes), she went.

(Ally B also didn't want Lightning Legs to keep Ally B's present as ransom... so it just made good sense to get it... I said I was only selfless sometimes.)

Ally B went to the store with a note in hand from Kevin. It had the product name written out, so Ally B decided to just ask for help rather than wander around the store like a lost puppy for a good hour before caving and asking for help.

She approached not one, but two salesmen having a conversation, and politely interrupted them:

Ally B: I need help.

Salesman 1: What do you need.

AB: I need a Footprint for a two person Hubbaxll tent, please.

S1 looks to Salesman 2 and rolls his eyes. S2 does the same.

S1: A what?

AB: A footprint.

S1: Yeah, I got that... but a Hubbaxll?

AB: Oh I'm sorry, is it pronounced Hubb-uh-xll?

S1: Um... (looks to S2, who is busy trying not to laugh).

AB: Here. (I show him the note, which clearly says Hubbaxll).

S1: Do you mean a Hubba Hubba?

AB: I don't know. (I mean seriously, if I knew that that's what I meant, would I really put myself through all of this?)

S1: Well, I'm guessing that it's a Hubba. How many people in the tent, three?

AB: No, two. (It was the one thing that I actually got right, and he couldn't even remember... sheesh.)

S1: Oh! Maybe the note means "Hubba times 2".

AB: Oh! How smart you are! That's exactly what my crazy boyfriend wrote! Thank you for clearing that up! (OK, I didn't say that... I think I said: Oh, thanks.)

S2 is laughing hysterically in the background. I'm so glad that I could bring him some Christmas joy.

S1: We're out of it.

So I went through all of that just to have to go get a crappy gift certificate so Lightning Legs can go get it herself.

And if you think that it was a rookie mistake to not clearly see that the note said Hubba x II... I kept the note as evidence.

And now for a really fascinating, albeit morbid, music video. I think that I'll practice dancing while lying down... I wonder if Wii has a game for that...


I have a real post that I'm working on, but first:

I'm sorry about the whole Comment Moderator thing. It just means that when someone comments, I get an email that shows me the comments and then allows me to "publish" or "reject" it.

I had to do it because I was getting some really weird comments that didn't really make sense (I suspect aliens... or Bonnie), and rather than deleting them after the fact, I've decided to review them.

When you comment, there is a notice that comes up at the top of the page: Your comment has been saved and will be visible after blog owner approval.

So, as long as your comment makes sense or isn't really mean, I'll publish it.

You just have to be patient...

Friday, December 26, 2008


I hope all of you had a loverly holiday.

I sure did! We got to have two Christmas mornings, ate lots of food, and got some AWESOME stuff from Santa!!

And I would now like to introduce you to my new bestest friend:

Say hello to my new new MacBook Air: Edward. 

(Yes, he is named after this Edward... and yes, I am crazy... and no, I don't care!)

He's smooth, sleek, shiny, and oh so sexy.

He's also smart, sophisticated, and cool.

Of course, I have NO FREAKIN IDEA how to use the stupid thing.

I just don't get it.

But he's pretty, so that's really all that matters.

I'll probably figure him out sometime soon, but Edward is a complicated fellow, and it's going to take a little while to get to know him.

So we'll see how that goes.

I did get him a pretty case today.

(This thing is so thin I feel like I might snap it in half, so I went and got it protection asap.  Plus, I love me my accessories.)

It's purple, of course, because Edward deserves to have the most beautiful things.

But the Apple Store is kinda a stupid place.  They had seven thousand people walking around to "help", but the minute I said that I wanted to pay cash, they suddenly weren't able to accommodate me.  Apparently people who pay cash are worthless, and so they have ONE cash register.  And it's in the back corner, probably to keep us lowlifes out of view from those paying with credit.

And when I was finally able to get to the back corner where only really sad people go, I had to wait there for a good twenty minutes while the guy in front of me paid for an IPhone in small bills.

So, Edward and I are a little miffed at the Apple Store infrastructure, to say the least, but at least he is clothed in purple plushness.  

Beauty is key, baby.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Frozen on the Sun

I don't really mind the cold... that much... I guess.

No, what I mind is when the sun is shining, and it looks all pleasant, but it's only 20 degrees outside.

I believe, that if it's going to be so freakin cold, it might as well be cloudy, at the very least.

I don't need snow or rain, I would just appreciate it if it didn't look all pretty and lovely outside, thus luring me out to take the doggies for a w-a-l-k.

See, even though I can look online and see that, yes, it's below freezing, Bonnie assumes that the sun being out means that we should be out and about and tearing up the town. And like a sucker who is wrapped around her tiny little paw, I fall for it, and think maybe it's not actually that cold outside... the sun will make it warmer...

So we set out, and it wasn't terrible... at first.

Then I started to loose feeling in my fingers and toes.

And then the wind started ripping through my clothes and making my whole torso shake like a leaf.

So we hauled it to the ROCK OF GOD, and I let the girls make doggie angels in the snow while I tried to thaw out my thumbs (stupid me, I didn't wear gloves because I assumed that the sun would keep them from turning black and falling off).

Then we booked it back to the house, and I've been hiding under a couple of blankets all day.

No, first I had to wrap the rest of the Christmas presents. Of course, I'm out of wrapping paper and tape, so I had to use newspaper, duct tape, and one of those huge black trash bags that you use for yard work and stuff (it's a pretty big and odd shaped gift...). And I had to wrap them well, because Mike informed me that he has no problem peeking.

Of course, how did he wrap my gift?

He kept the thing in the shipping box, wrapped duct tape around it a dozen times, and left it on the kitchen counter.

And he didn't even have the decency to cover up the big, bold letters on the back that say COAT CARRIER.

Hmm... I wonder what Santa will be bringing me this year...

(OK, that's not completely fair... I actually picked the coat out... but still, is there no such thing as mystery anymore?)

Friday, December 19, 2008

I Know it's Stupid... but I Just Can't Resist

If you've been living under a rock, you should probably watch the real one first:

Good, clean, Twilight fun...

Jim is my Muse (pun!)...

I thought I'd post the video for the song that I CANNOT get out of my head today...

Which is hard, since I don't really know all of the words and my voice doesn't get as high as his...

The dogs keep leaving out the back door, throwing death glares at me.

(Well Bonnie is... Hannah is still in that infatuation stage with her ball...)

Otherwise, my life has been more of the same.

There is literally nothing very exciting to talk about.

Except that I really have a craving to get the new Blackberry Storm... but in all honesty, I'm pretty positive that I only want it because of Jim's voice on the commercials...

OK... I don't know if there's really anything else I can write about... but at least that awesome song and gorgeous picture are here.

I'll write again if I think of anything, though...

Oh my gosh! Another Blackberry commercial! What are you doin' to me, Halpert?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hannah is in Love...

In all of the excitement and pandemonium that is Momma returning home (even if I've only been gone for 20 minutes), Bonnie and Hannah have to bring me their toys.

Today, I walked into the house and the dogs went crazy, as usual, but had no toys to bring me.

Which means that I became the chew toy.

Then Hannah brought me a blanket.

That's right, Hannah has turned to bringing Momma linens as a greeting present.

"Where are your toys? Shall we look outside?"

They immediately ran out the dog door. I followed (through the human door), and was greeted by Hannah violently trying to shake the ice and snow off of Boris.

ALL of their toys are buried in the snow.

(I also should mention that this is EXACTLY why Boris is an INSIDE toy. But do Bonnie and Hannah get that? Obviously not.)

"Hannah, drop Boris."

He instantly falls out of her mouth and lies hollow and frozen on the ground. I love him, but he is NOT going to thaw in the house.

Somehow, I can't see a tennis ball anywhere in the backyard.

So I found a couple of new tennis balls stuck in a cabinet somewhere (a secret, emergency stash).

I threw them out onto the floor and now Hannah is completely and utterly gaga over her new tennis balls. She carried both in her mouth at once (not an easy thing), and wouldn't even put them down to get a treat.

Now THAT is true love.

She hasn't stopped playing with them. She's chewing on them, and kissing them, and every so often she'll throw them against the wall and run after them.

If only we could all have something we loved so much.

Monday, December 15, 2008

It's Begining to Look a Lot Like... a Freezer

What a beautiful Monday morning in Colorado!

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, Bonnie is barking...


(Actually, with the wind chill, it's NEGATIVE FIFTEEN).

Yeah, there is NO WAY that Ally B is going out in this cold. Nope, nada, screw it.

Bonnie has been acting out because she wants to go for a W-A-L-K, but how do you explain to a doggie that Momma will have boogers freeze in her nasal cavity if she goes strolling down the block? Not to mention the fact that Bonnie has a nasty habit of pulling Momma down the sidewalk, and when it's frozen solid, that just leads to a Christmas disaster...

So, I will be here. Drinking hot cocoa (with Irish Whisky... after 5 PM, I mean), reading Twilight (again), and contemplating whether or not to drug sweet Bonnie.

If I get bored I will sit at the window and laugh at the poor suckers in their beannies and Uggs who have to wait outside my driveway for the bus to take them to their Fall Finals.


And if you throw that whole Ally-B-Unemployed thing in my face...

Then YOU have to take Bonnie out for a W-A-L-K.

Friday, December 12, 2008


At my most recent job, we had an email for us all to send "kudos".

These are verbal high-fives for our co-workers.

You know: "Ally is my most favorite person, she's SUCH a hard worker and this company would just fall apart without her."

(OK, I never got that kudos... actually, I never got any kudos... dammit...)

(That really sucks, especially since they started handing out actual Kudos snack bars...)

These kudos are then read aloud at company-wide staff meetings.

So, on my last day I decided to write a kudos.

I found out at the company party last night that people really enjoyed my kudos, so I've decided to copy it here for the whole internets to enjoy...

Oh, some things you should know.

1) My job was to scan documents... that was IT for the last month or two of my job. Scan, scan, and then scan some more.

2) I name inanimate objects.

3) Darrick is the COO, aka: head-honcho.

I sit here, in my bare and empty cubicle. The calendars have been tossed, useless documents have been sent to the shredder (at least I hope they were useless), and I have managed to carve my initials into my desk. I sit here and I am struck by an immense wave of gratitude. Gratitude to the most important partner that I have had while here. And this partner deserves a huge “kudos”.

And so I say, with all my heart, kudos to Samantha. For those of you who do not know who Samantha is, well boy have you missed out! Samantha is my scanner, my confidant, and above all, my friend. She’s like the kid-sister I never had (nor wanted). She’s a sweet lady, and a little sassy. Like all of us, Samantha has had her good days, and her bad. But always, she is there for me. Even after we’d had a fight, or after a certain manager threw a penny down her throat, or after she choked to death (almost) on a staple, she was still here when I came in the next day. Sitting, waiting, and always willing.

I will miss her. But I know she is in good hands.

And so, goodbye Samantha, and God Speed.


PS: Although she deserves it, please do not give Samantha an actual Kudos bar… not only is she watching her figure, but I’m pretty sure that she has a gluten allergy.

PPS: Don’t worry, Darrick, I clocked out before I composed this amazing, award-winning-worthy Kudos.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Ally B Textin

First, I would like to post the video that I was searching for to go with my last post. I just found it, thank you MTVmusic.com, so here you go.

(Just pretend that you are still reading the post it was supposed to be on: The Joys of Giving.)

And now we shall move on:

Last night I received an email from Lightning Legs.

It had a website that she had used that has a questionnaire about your interests and skills. The site then generated a list of career options based on how you answered.

Her second email said that one of her Top 50 Career Options was a Dude Ranch Operator.

What follows is a transcript of our conversation.

(Is it still a "conversation" if we didn't actually verbally converse? I shall instead call it a transcript of our textathon.)

(BOLD is my commentary-in-hindsight.)

Text from Ally B: PLEASE say that you will at least consider becoming a dude ranch operator.

Text from Lightning Legs: Oh for sure! I'll be gettin' me some shit kickers and a straw hat. What does it suggest for you?

AB: I haven't been able to do it yet, but I will! You'd look so pretty in a hat, and lassos are SO in this season.

AB: One of my top 50 is magician... can I work on your dude ranch? (SERIOUSLY!! MAGICIAN!!)

LL: HAHAHA! Perfect! We'll need talent like that on my ranch to entertain the guests. (Seriously, I about died laughing at your text!)

AB: Well it better have made you laugh... one of my other options was stand-up comedy. (SERIOUSLY!! STAND-UP COMEDY!!)

LL: That's so funny! All of mine were like doctor-type things with random dude ranch operator and engineer and astronaut stuff thrown in. And I took it twice... (Smarty-Pants show off! I'm sitting here with magician, comedy, oh, and greeting card designer.)

AB: Mine are all performance and artistic or being in charge of others (it said that I could be a employee training manager. When I clicked on it to find out what that was, it had a cartoon with a guy demonstrating the correct way to flip a burger... great)... it was actually pretty interesting. Mike is taking his now.

LL: Dustin's (their little brother) second one is a boat captain!

AB: Oh my GOD! When I took one of these in high school I got sailor as my first! (True story) Dustin and I are like long-lost twins...

AB: Mike's first one is dolphin researcher. (Perfect for us COLORADO residents... the reservoir is just full of dolphins this time of year.)

LL: Haha! Dolphin researcher is on both mine and Dustin's but not the first one. (Wait a sec... what kind of family produces THREE dolphin researchers?) Dust said his first from an earlier test was a brew master. (That should come in handy while researching dolphins.)

AB: Mike's are all engineers and designers and scientists... (Of course... another smarty-pants. SHOW-OFF!! But maybe this is a good thing. If he becomes some amazing bio-chemist/dolphin researcher, then maybe he can support me and I can sit at home and blog all day. It pays to be in love with a smarty-pants...)


So watch out world! The Great Ally B will be performing at a hotel bar and casino near you!

Don't forget to tip your waitress!

They just don't make videos like that anymore... it's a shame, really... well, sort of...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Joys of Giving

It's that time of the year again.


And Christmas!!

That's right internets! Miss Ally B swings both ways.

OK... I know what I just said.

Moving on.

I am a very lucky Ally B since my family celebrates BOTH holidays.

(Can you say awesome, albeit slightly spoiled, childhood?)

Growing up we would get little gifts (think socks and such) for those eight crazy nights, and then presents on Christmas morning.

And then we would go to the movies and get Chinese food with all of the other Jews.

(There was a time when it was only Jews at the movie theater Christmas day... now you have to buy your tickets in advance... I yearn for simpler times... if for nothing else than not having to stand in line for my popcorn.)

Well, things change as we grow up.

First, since the family is no longer together for all eight nights, we just get together one night and get some little surprises.

(Last year was a whole box of groceries! The Hanukkah fairy ROCKS!!)

Also, Mike and I are living together, and this year I have decided that after six Christmases, we are actually going to get to spend the whole day together (usually we split up for our separate family activities, and then meet mid-day).

And finally, my brother is on the other side of the globe, so this year will be very different without him.

(I'm very sad about that. Every year for the past 20 years we have spent Christmas Eve night together playing games and watching movies. I may have to convince him to play Scrabble with me using IChat...)

But perhaps the biggest difference from being little is having to buy gifts for others.

Let me change that. I used to buy gifts for my family when I was little (I know... perfect little angel...), but I just got a twenty from Mom and Dad and went shopping!

Yeah, that doesn't really work anymore.

I usually LOVE to buy presents. I love seeing the look on people's faces when I give them their gifts.

(I am a very talented present-picker-outer... hmmm... note to self: check CraigsList for any "present-picker-outer" listings.)

And even though I have a (pretty) strict budget this year, I'm still very excited to go Christmas shopping.

That is, for some people.

Some people will be getting some kick-ass gifts.

But OTHER people are driving me crazy because I have no idea what to get them.

SOME people have no ideas for themselves.

Or if they do have an idea, it's for something HUGE that I cannot afford.

(I mean really, if I could, I would get you a new road bike, or that camera lens... but I can't... maybe if I ever get a book deal, then we'll talk. Hell, if I get a book deal, you all can have a camera lens! On sale... of course.)

But the biggest problem is this:

SOMEONE rationalizes himself out of every gift. Let's just call this someone (for total anonymity) Kevin. What I mean by this is that every time I think of something, Kevin comes up with a rational reason for why he doesn't need it.

"No, I don't need a stereo for my car... I can sing to myself."

"No, I don't want a pass to the climbing gym... I don't have health insurance."

(OK, that was actually a good one... maybe I should just get him things that will help him avoid having to deal with that whole health insurance issue. Knee pads and helmet anyone?)

"No, I'll never wear that."

"No, my current Ipod may have a bum battery, but it's usually fine."

And on and on and on.

I really want to get Kev something nice. Looking back, most of the presents that I have gotten for him in the past are sitting somewhere covered in dust.

(Actually, everything in the house is covered in dust... but that's beyond the point. Note to self: add "cleaning service" to Holiday Wish List. JUST KIDDING SANTA and THE HANUKKAH FAIRY!)

I want to get him something great, because he's great, and he deserves it.

So, if Kevin is out there reading this (and he BETTER be), please start thinking of something that you want, or stop rationalizing every possibility out there so that I can feel comfortable enough to find something.

And no, Kev, an XBOX 360 is not an option... I have rationalized that the XBOX induced arguments are not worth the money...

We can have other arguments for free.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Book Nerd

As I try to figure out what the next step in my life is, I think that it is important to try and budget a little.

(My understanding is that you can't spend whatever you want if you don't have a, you know, income.)

I'm actually pretty good about not spending too much, but it's probably a good idea to evaluate what's allowed right now.

I have to have enough money for the essentials: shelter, groceries, electricity, and the medicine for the doggies (I keep telling Hannah that she's the one with the allergies, so she should really stop being lazy and get a job to pay for them).

And I have to cut out the non-essentials: eating out (at least I need to cut back), makeup, and professional eyebrow waxes (which means I might end up looking like Bert from Sesame Street, or I'll turn into one of those ladies who has to draw on her own eyebrows with a crayon... either way, please don't point and laugh).

Again, I don't waste my money, but my biggest downfall are usually accessories (sure, they're usually from Target, but they add up), but I CANNOT get any new purses (like this, or this).

(Which will make Mike very happy, as I lost the ability to house any more purses in our closet about a year ago... although I'm sure I could make space, Santa.)

Ok, the point of all of this is that I ran into some trouble when breaking purchases down into "essential" and "non-essential".


I know that I should stop buying new, beautiful, exciting books. I know that I should just go to the library, or borrow books from friends and family, or, you know, read the dozens of unread books that are already on the bookshelf.

But I have this thing where I LOVE having my own books. I don't mind buying used books; as long as I can keep the book when I finish it, then I'm happy.

And everytime I finish a book, there are about three new books that I want to read.

I love being able to look at my beautiful bookshelf (designed and built by Mr. Michael) and seeing all of my little accomplishments lined up in a nice, alphabetized row.

I love being able to write the month and year that I finished a book on the first inside page (I think that libraries frown on such a thing).

I love seeing all of the series that I love lined up on the bottom shelf, with their corresponding covers looking so pretty in a group together.

I love being able to have a favorite book at my fingertips, ready for me to read again (and again... and again).

So: do I keep buying books? Do I dare to keep entering into the bookstores, knowing very well that I really won't leave without at least one purchase?

Well, yes.

I think that you have to treat yourself once in awhile. Sure, I'll limit myself, but I figure that buying books is a way better vice than purchasing designer shoes or lattes everyday.

All of this speaking about books makes me want to tell you all about a couple of AWESOME books that I read in New Zealand. I didn't get to read as much as I usually do on vacation. I guess Dad and AJ like to actually, like, do stuff rather than sit around reading. This is very different than what Mike and I do on vacation. Maybe that's because Mike and I usually can't afford to really do anything when we travel on our own... or maybe we're just nerds... lazy nerds.

I'm not complaining, though. It was nice to be able to actually get up and see the country!

Anywhozit, I had the privilege of reading some books that are now new favorites.

But first, some books that I read that were good, but did not make it to the coveted "favorite list".

I read the third and fourth books in the Sookie Stackhouse Series by Charlaine Harris. They were good, very entertaining. I really like the series, so that's good (though none of them are as good as the first book in the series: Dead Until Dark ... and in terms of vampire series, The Twilight Saga is still the best... obviously).

I also read A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin. Truth be told, I didn't really like this book (sorry AJ, since it's one of his faves). I mean, it's just not my kinda style or story. The thing that I find fascinating about these kind of books, though, is how much creativity the author has to create a story like that. It's a fantasy, and the first book in a series, so she had to create so many names and places and creatures, and I find that incredible. So I'm glad that I read it so that I could see how an author creates a story (always learning!).

Now, I said that I read some AMAZING books that are now on my all time favorite list.

First is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I read about this book on Stephenie Meyer's website (I check it everyday because I am an obsessed loser... and kinda a stalker... not really... I think). She loved it so much that she posted her review of it on her homepage, so I went and bought it. It's been sitting on my self for awhile, and I decided to finally take it with me on this trip.

This was the BEST BOOK EVER. It was crazy good. Like I couldn't stop reading it. And I thought about it long after I finished it. It was an extremely well written story about growing up in the most horrific of circumstances.

Seriously, so good!!

Oh, and you should be warned that the book is classified as "young adult". Don't let the label discourage you - some of the BEST books ever written are in that section (enter The Twilight Saga and Harry Potter ). Plus, that means they're easy as pie, which we all need once in awhile.

The other book that is now on my favorite list is called Slam and it is by the one and only Nick Hornby. He is by far one of the best writers out there (High Fidelity, anyone?), and Slam did not disappoint. I actually found this book at the bookstore with my dad. He too is a Hornby fan, so in an effort to secure my spot as winner of the Best Daughter of All Time award, I got the book for him. Of course, this was with the understanding that I could read it after him...

The book is hilarious and touching and you feel like you really are in the mind of a 15-year-old British kid.

So, those are my reviews and suggestions for the holiday season. If you follow my advice and read The Hunger Games and Slam, I hope you enjoy them. And if you don't follow my advice... then you suck.

Not really.

Well... only kinda.

(See how I was able to write another (long) post without actually writting about my trip? Don't get me wrong, it was an awesome trip and I want to share, but, as I said yesterday, it's a bit overwhelming to write about 16 days of activity... but soon, I promise.)

Friday, December 5, 2008

Getting Back to Business...

And by business, I mean finally getting to see Twilight

Sure, I just returned from the magical land of Kiwis and sheep, but there's just so much to write about that experience, so I'm just going to talk about Twilight

(It's called an "artistic process"... also known as "procrastination".)

If you don't know what The Twilight Saga is, or you know what it is, but don't care, then don't read this.

Instead, just go buy the damn books and then go see the movie.

And then read this.



Actually, really, if you don't like Twilight, then this post is pretty worthless to you.

And now that I have alienated most of my readership, let us continue.

I've heard pretty dreadful things about the movie. Most of my friends emailed me in NZ to tell me that the movie was a total let down. (And by "most of my friends", I mean two... which means all of my friends emailed me about it... *tear*.)

Therefore, my expectations were pretty darn low going into the theater.

I mean, I never expected the movie to be AWESOME. It's like the Harry Potter movies. NONE of them are GREAT (though they are getting much better... and the sixth one looks extremely promising...), but I love them. They're entertaining as hell, and they're fun. I always laugh and cry and forget about all the shit going on in the world during those hours in the theater... And isn't that what movies are supposed to do... let you escape?

But, because of the crappy reviews and all, I walked in thinking it would be pretty awful... maybe even painful. I was scared that the film would be SO BAD that it would just end up ruining one of my most favoritist books of all time.

Well... in a nutshell...

It was not THAT BAD. It was even, dare I say, good. Like, I really liked it.

Maybe it's just because my expectations were SO low, but I thought that it was really fun and entertaining and way better than I thought it would be.

Sure, it's not going to win any awards.

Sure, some of it was really cheesy and all, but if you stop and think about it, it's a cheesy-ass story anyway.

Sure, it wasn't as good as the book, but that never happens (except for maybe High Fidelity... both the movie and the book are amazing). I think that they actually did a very good job putting together a nice and cohesive movie out of a 500+ page novel.

And sure, the acting was kinda iffy. But, overall, I think that the actors did very well.

Robert Pattinson was, um, gorgeous, and I think that he did a good job portraying Edward in all his smoldering-crazy-overreacting-Godlike-glory.

Kristin Stewart was actually a very good Bella. Yes, she was kinda aloof in some scenes, but overall, she was much better than I thought she would be.

And the other characters did pretty well (especially Bella's friends at school and Charlie). EXCEPT for Alice and Jasper. They were just weird and awkward and funny looking (these are supposed to be the most amazingly beautiful creatures on the planet, and they were just... not...).

So, overall, I was not disappointed.

And yes, I'll probably see it again.

And yes, I'll buy it on DVD.

So, for those of you who don't have any idea what I am talking about... you should. But if you really have no interest in this stuff, then you'll be happy to know that I actually have "real" stuff to write about later.

I do have a life.

Sure... it's schooless and jobless and, lately, has revolved around my obsession with a fictional vampire man... but I promise I'll write about other stuff.

Important stuff.

Like how super cute Bonnie and Hannah are.

And Michael's beard.

And said beard's implications and consequences in our relationship.

And how I need a job... during a recession...

And how I'm considering bangs.

See... very important stuff.

All in good time, my friends... all in good time.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Free Internets = Stupid Post from NZ

I am sitting in a snazy little hotel in Christchurch on our last night in NZ.

This is the first place that has FREE internets. So I am taking advantage and hording the computer from other guests (Mike... and maybe a German couple) to write this short little post to warn you all that I have more posts to write.

I know that seems weird, but as I am bored and have free internets I decided to tell you all that since I am now unemployed and am going to return from my epic family vacay in the Southern Hemisphere, I will most likely have a lot to write about...

But I can't write it all now because even though this internet is free, it is on a crappy computer and I am being surrounded by eager internets users (Mike... the Germans returned to their room...).

But I shall return, so you should probably just keep your computer on my blog at all times, refreshing every five and a half seconds, so that you don't miss a bit of my amazing tales.

Of course I won't be posting until the following happens:

- I cuddle with the doggies

- I see Twilight (I know that it will probably suck and can never live up to the book... but that won't stop me from seeing it, even if I'm totally jet lagged)

- I find out who America's Next Top Model is

- I figure out if Katie really has left Tom (it's all over the Kiwi Tabloids)

- I catch up on The Office and Grey's Anatomy

So, even though I have a lot of amazing posting to do... it might be a couple more days. But remember: refresh.

Oh, and I'm sick. And my travel companions have told me to stop complaining (about everything... not just about being sick)... so you can expect me to have A LOT to complain - I mean write- about on that subject...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Music and Murder = My Kinda Movie

I watched Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street tonight on HBO.

Here are the reasons why I love that movie:

  • Two words: Johnny Depp
  • Two more words: Johnny singing
  • And two more words: Johnny's kick-ass hairdo...

Ok, that was more than two words, but I was on a role.

  • It's a musical and a horror film. It's violence with a live soundtrack. I've always said that the one thing missing from Texas Chainsaw Massacre was singing... and the one thing missing from Rent was bloody murder. I mean sure, West Side Story had gang fights and murder... but it wasn't all blood and guts and stuff, so it doesn't count. The dancing really got in the way of the whole horror thing... damn pirouetting Puerto Ricans.

I wish we all sung more.

I sing a lot...

To the dogs...

Is it a bad sign that they try to attack me?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

On to New Things...

I will miss the house that I grew up in.

We sell it tomorrow.

I don't want to say goodbye to it.

It's been such a busy week, and I'm entering another equally busy week, so it hasn't really hit me that "The Big House" is not going to be ours anymore.

I'm sad...

But I have to look at this as the beginning of things... new and exciting things for all of us.

And then it doesn't seem like such a sad thing...

But I will miss it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I Can't Help it...

I'm officially obsessed... bear with me...

I heart Edward Cullen... and chicks who can rock out.

New Beginnings

I'm supposed to be working... but the connection to my work computer is going about as fast as I run... so that's not going to happen.

So here I blog.

The past few days have brought a lot of things to my mind.

Between the election, the juice fast, and my tenure at my job coming to an end, I have been thinking a lot about the future.

So first, let me tell you all about my juice fast.

The first day was easy. I was so scared that it would be really hard, but I was able to pull it off with minimal discomfort.

The second day was harder. I had to help dad pack up the kitchen and load the truck with drywall, so my body started to feel the strain of low caloric intake.

Plus, my dad made me go to one of my favorite breakfast places with the family... and he made spaghetti. That was really hard to get through without, you know, eating.

Thankfully my dad covered the spaghetti in animal carcass so that I wouldn't want to eat it...

The third day was the hardest. I was really hungry, and I had to go into the office. The office is my downfall. I eat all day. There is food everywhere (including leftover Halloween candy).

By the end of the third day, I started to feel really slugish, no matter how much juice I drank, so I decided to start eating again. I went to Whole Foods and made a huge salad.

It was weird, salad was something that I craved the whole time I was fasting.

That and potatoes...

So, what did I learn from all of this?

My goal was to get through those situations where I usually consume more food than most professional football players.

And I did it!

It was so empowering to sit through a breakfast and not clean my plate.

And it was amazing to be at the office and not snack on chips and candy all day.

I was able to get through those situations without giving in and giving up.

It was pretty sweet.

So probably the most important lesson that I learned was that I can do anything I set my mind to.

The other important thing that I learned was that I am in control when it comes to food.

I don't have to eat. At least not as much as I usually do, and at least not as much crap as I usually do.

I've convinced myself that I am completely out of control when it comes to eating. I've convinced myself that I have to constantly eat.

But I learned that I do have control and that I don't have to eat all of the time.

If I change the way that I eat, and what I eat, and how I view food and myself, then I can become healthier.

And that's why I did this whole thing. To learn these things and to prove to myself that I could do it.

So I've been changing how I eat.

For one, I'm only eating things that will actually make me feel good.

That pack of Easy-Mac just isn't gonna cut it.

I don't need that mini-chocolate bar... at least not 5 times a day...

I will only have it if I really want it.

Like, really want it. Not like when I convince myself that I need it or my heart will explode...

I'm also trying to only eat when I'm actually hungry. I realized that I was rarely actually hungry when I was doing my juice fast. I was just craving food... craving the act of eating. And once I pushed that feeling back, I was just fine.

So, I've been eating healthier food, and only eating when I actually get hungry. And stopping when I'm full.

Yesterday I actually left french fries on my plate...

I know... unbelievable, yet it happened.

I don't know... it's really nice to know that I can accomplish anything, no matter how much I had originally doubted myself.

And now that I've learned all of that... maybe I can actually start thinking about what I want to do with my life.

Or maybe I'll just think about that later...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Call me Irrational Now, Bitch!

I am so happy right now.

For the first time in my life... I am PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

Today is not just historic for African-Americans... it is historic for all of us.

Today is not just important for African-Americans... it is important, so important, for all of us.

It fills my heart to see the crowd waiting for Obama in Chicago.

There are so many different people there.

They are America.

I believe in this man.

I believe in his amazing wife.

I believe that this country did an amazing thing.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Fast and the Furious

I'm doing it...

I am officially on a juice fast.

A juice fast?

Ally B?

The girl who can eat her body weight in simple carbohydrates?

The girl who can out eat a professional athlete? (And by "professional athlete", I mean Mike's 17 year-old brother who plays baseball with his co-workers sometimes... but still...)

Yes, I am doing it.

Now, as this could end badly (as in me committing murder because I am craving mashed potatoes and someone (Mike) gets in my way...), I want to say that I love you all and will miss you while I am in prison.

No... that was a little dramatic.

I don't love all of you...

But AJ says that I can do this. It's all in my head. Hunger is not a sickness. I can control myself.

So, I am putting my faith in AJ, who has faith in me... Ergo, I have faith in myself.

And so far it's been ok.

I've been up for 4 and a half hours and I'm actually fine. I've been drinking juice all day, I have a Jamba smoothie, and I even managed to run some errands and talk the dogs out for a walk.

(This, incidentally, leads me to a small tangent: don't go for a walk the morning following Halloween, especially in a college neighborhood... two words: vomity sidewalk. Enough said.)

So, I will keep everyone updated over the next few days as to how my exploration in self-control is going.

And now I have to pee, because an all-liquid diet is hell on my tiny bladder.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Fun Run

What is up with people who run for exercise... or worse... for fun?

If I'm running, you better be sure that someone is chasing me.

Actually, scratch that.

Here are several reasons why I would ever be seen running (note, none of these reasons include "for fun"):

  • Mike started the car and is driving away without me.
  • I dropped Bonnie's leash and she is now chasing a toddler on a Spider-Man bike.
  • Hannah is chasing after a lit firecracker (true story).
  • The ice-cream truck just turned the corner.
  • That shoe sale ends in 5 minutes.
  • I have a bet that I will clock-in before 9 AM every morning this week, and I just locked my car doors... and it's 8:59.
  • I forgot to set the TIVO for America's Next Top Model and it starts in 2 minutes.
  • I just saw someone I hate at SuperTarget.
  • My shoes hurt so badly that running will get me to a seat faster.
  • Something is burning.
  • Someone really is chasing me... and by someone, I probably mean Bonnie...
  • Something is about to start burning.
  • I'm going from my bedroom to the shower... naked... and all of the blinds are up...
And the number one thing that I will always be running from:
  • Responsibility.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Pros and Cons of a Pop Culture Phenomenon

I held out for a long time.

My freshman year, it was all the rage.

Nobody could stop talking about it.

It was so popular and "cool", but still, I held out.

And then I was peer pressured into it.

And I have since made others take the plunge...

I am, of course, talking about Facebook.

Now, I had a lot of reasons for remaining an outsider, but I'm here to write about the few reasons why I have changed my tune.

One: It has connected me to several blood relatives that I never see. Last week I became "Friends" with 3 cousins that I have not seen nor communicated with in the past 6 years. Now, we haven't exactly become amazing buddies yet, but I have seen pictures of their wives and offspring... and that's a big step. Plus, at any moment in time I can look on Facebook and see that this cousin is studying, that cousin is in love, and another is attending "PotFest 2009" next April 20th.

Second: I've been able to learn things about people that I probably would never have known otherwise. I can congratulate people on getting jobs, getting married, passing a chem final, or finishing their court mandated community service. Recently, I was able to hear some great news about one of my cousins on the East coast that I would probably never have gotten to hear (not because they wouldn't want me to know, but because they would tell my mom, and she would completely forget to pass on the news... she's becoming less and less reliable in her older years).

Third: I get to look at pictures of people that I love (and people that I don't love) doing fun things without me. I get to coo over people's cute kids and dogs, laugh at their naked waterfall pictures (OK... that was only on my brother's profile), and judge people for their drunken mistakes (as in "What the hell was she thinking wearing that"... Or "Red wine will never come out of those pants").

Which leads me to the Fourth, and most important, reason why Facebook is useful: the stalking. I get to see what the ex is up to, what that girl that I hate-but-am-actually-incredibly-jealous-of is doing, and I know who is voting for Obama (and therefore deserving of 100 cool points).

I won't join MySpace, though. I'm still convinced that it's just for pedophiles and rock stars.

In other news, I scanned my ass off today at work.

Not literally... that would suck...

So I listened to my IPOD all the live long day.

The new Rachael Yamagata CD is on heavy rotation, especially this song:

I just realized that I heard her sing this song acappella at The Fox a few months ago. After the show I cornered her for an autograph and told her that her CD, Happenstance, is one of the best CDs in the world, and that I would choose it as one of the 5 CDs that I could bring with me on a deserted island (actually, I think I said "Your CD is a CD in the top CDs that I would bring to a dessert island"... I was really nervous).

I think her exact words were: "Oh girl, you are too sweet".

That's right, her and I are bestest friends... and not in the fake Facebook way...

(Well, at least not yet... she has to accept my Friend Request first.)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Battle Scars (Mental and Physical)

Today I heard some very disturbing things.

My boss said that her aunt can't believe that Obama is allowed to run for president... because he is not a US citizen.

That's right, she didn't think that Hawaii was in the United States.

Scarier still: her aunt was a public school teacher for 35 years.

Um yeah... that pretty much sums up why I stay up late at night nursing the ulcer that this election has given me.

Because this country is full of stupid people.

Now if only I could convince one of those stupid people to buy my damn Madonna tickets... preferably for more than their worth.

Oh, my elbows hurt from holding my books up to read.

Yep... I am reading so much that I am sustaining injuries...

This must be how people with old football injuries feel...

And AJ suggested that I get a hobby... and then suggested archery.

Dude, if I suffer from "reader's elbow", I'm thinking I should probably stay away from bows and arrows.

Actually, weaponry of all kinds should probably be off-limits.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lie in a bathtub full of ice...

Friday, October 17, 2008

UPDATE: Why my Hydration Mechanism Kicks Ass

I decided that I wanted to replace my favorite water bottle.

The last one had carcinogens and shit in it, so I had to toss it.

Me: Daddy! I drank poison!
Daddy: WHAT?
Me: Well, not really... I drank from a dangerous water bottle full of carcinogens.
Daddy: Jesus... that's not poison.
Me: But there's a foggy film on the bottom of it which has caused psycho-somatic throat swelling...
Daddy: That's probably just bacteria... that'll just make you really really sick.
Me: Oh...

So that sucker was tossed.

So I went to the store to get another one. I thought that I would just get another blue one, or maybe a pretty pink one. But then I saw it:

An argyle one...

Yep, argyle.

Now, I'm not some huge argyle fan, but someone I love very much has a love affair with the pattern, and it made me think of him.

And miss him...

A lot.

So, baby brother, I now have a memento that reminds me of you... and reminds me to drink water... carcinogen-free water...it's really a win-win situation.

Crying Babies make me Panic...

I just got out of my yearly exam (aka yearly molestation).

I was scared that I would have to pee in a cup, so I chugged a whole lot of water right before I went in.

I didn't have to pee into a cup, but I went anyway (not in a cup, though), just to show that I was prepared.

I was sitting there, in a waiting room that smelled like poopy diapers with pregnant women everywhere, chugging my water, waiting to get this crap over with.

The OB/GYN offices are right next to the pediatrics offices, so there were a lot of screaming babies and angry children.

I was sitting there, trying to read, and this baby was crying bloody murder, and I was gritting my teeth trying not to throw my book against the wall, when I started to wonder what these ladies who were preggers were thinking about in the waiting room.

Were they so wrapped up in thinking about their little bun in the oven that they weren't thinking about the screaming child?

Or were they FREAKING OUT because they are about to have their own banshee pop out?

When a woman gets preggers, does she forget about all of those terrible things and just focus on the end goal?

Or does the sound of an angry child with an ear infection who has just finished receiving their first round of shots make her break out in cold sweats and have heart palpitations?

The woman sitting closest to me kept her face completely impassive and looked very calm as she got up and waddled away when the nurse called her.

Or was she just keeping the rising panic to herself?

I have a feeling I am not the one she would have confided in... so I'll never really know.

The other thing that I noted about the waiting room: free samples for pregnant ladies. There were vitamins, and books, and even a first trimester journal (I almost took one because I like pads of paper...) all just sitting in baskets for them to take.

Were there any free samples those of us who are without child?

Not in the waiting room... but there were open boxes of tampons in the bathroom...

Good thing I went pee, or else I would have totally missed out on the free swag.

(Note that I am referring to "free stuff"... I just looked swag up on Urban Dictionary to try to link to, and apparently swag also means "low grade marijuana". No, I did not find "low grade marijuana" in the bathroom of the OB/GYN offices... they only carry high quality shit.)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

To Atone or Not to Atone: Now THERE'S a Mother Effin' Question

Thursday is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

Jews really enjoy celebrating guilt.

That's all I really know about Yom Kippur (I know, I'm a bad Jew)... so see here for more info...

On this most guilty of all holidays (except for Valentine's Day... I often feel guilty on Valentine's Day), Jews are supposed to fast.

Mom: I'm staying home on Thursday because I'm fasting.
Me: Why do we fast?
Mom: To atone for our sins. I have quite a few, but you probably have a grand total of two... so you probably don't need to fast.
Me: Well, I don't know about that... I did accuse a co-worker of poisoning JJ... that's pretty sinful.

OK, maybe I should explain that.

As of yesterday, I launched an investigation against a co-worker who I think is poisoning JJ.

JJ thinks that she is having stomach problems because she is allergic to dairy.

I don't think that it's that simple.

Nope, I think that either she has some rare rain-forest disease that only affects poultry, or she is in the center of a work-related conspiracy.

How did I come to this theory?

Its customer service appreciation week (how about Bonnie and Hannah's mommy appreciation week, huh? That's my next project). Some of the managers were going around the office and passing out treats as part of their appreciation. One of those treats was hot apple cider topped with caramel sauce and whipped cream.

About 10 minutes after we drank it, JJ started to feel sick.

JJ: I think that it's the whipped cream...
Me: Or... Betty (not her real name... I cannot reveal her name until my investigation is complete and cleared through the FBI... but she does look like a Betty...) is poisoning you.
JJ: You think?
Me: Listen to the professional, JJ. Look at the evidence. Who gave you the thing that made you sick? Betty. Let's examine all of the evidence before having you give up ice cream.

And so my investigation began. I told her that she should NOT accept ANYTHING from Betty without someone else testing it first. (I would do that myself, but what would happen if I, too, was poisoned... who would carry out justice?)

And so, if I am wrong about Betty, then I guess accusing someone of poisoning a co-worker under the guise of customer service appreciation week, might be considered a sin.

And so we are back to the question: should I fast?

I've never done it before. I don't really believe that fasting atones for anything... I don't really believe in sins in the first place. I believe in right and wrong. It's wrong to poison someone... but would not eating your morning Eggo make up for that? Probably not.

Mike thinks that I would just fast to loose weight, but I am fully aware that one day of not eating will do absolutely nothing for my bodacious (flabby) body.

No, that's not why I'm considering it.

I could take that day to at least think about things that have happened in the past year that I have done that I would like to stop doing...

But I wouldn't necessarily have to fast to think, though. Actually, fasting would probably hinder my thinking abilities.

Part of me wants to do it because I've never done it before, but I'm not sure if I could do it. I have little to no control when it comes to food... and I am very sensitive to hunger. I get panicky and queasy and shaky...

But I also wonder if I could overcome all of that. If I could have enough self-control to do it.

But there is a VERY good chance that I would commit some sort of crime while hungry... and therefore I would be sinful... and then my atoning would be all screwed up...

Quite a predicament...

And now I'm hungry.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

How the Hell did I end up Looking for Kylie Minogue Videos on YouTube Tonight???

I don't drink... so I guess that I just don't get the appeal of getting really trashed and then stumbling up and down my street screaming profanities by oneself...

Again, since I don't really drink, I just must not be cool enough to understand the freaking awesomness of what multiple people have done all the live long night.

And what is it about football that brings the most self-respecting people to drink themselves into oblivion?

Now, I could understand if you had to drink to keep yourself from dying of boredom during the game... or to get over the fact that you were virtually molested in the nacho line by drunk freshmen... but I get the impression that this is not the reason behind said drunkeness/stupidness.

I sound bitter.

Well, why would I sound bitter? It's only 1:30 in the AM on a Saturday night... and I am here, writing my second post of the day (third if you include Leo's Vote Video) while watching season 10 of FRIENDS on DVD...

And why would I sound bitter after my most exciting event of the night was giving Boris a bath after Hannah possibly peed on him (I'm not sure if she actually did pee on him, but is it really something that you want to take a chance on?)... and then chasing Hannah away from the drying rack as he drip-dried for the rest of the night...?

At least I was able to relax (except when the frat kids were yelling and pushing each other in front of oncoming traffic in front of my house), unlike Mike, who had to serve a whole bunch of hungry Texas fans.

But at least he made mad money.

Nope, not bitter at all.

So maybe I should have a drink...

But what if someone calls me and asks me to please come pick them up from some bar...

So I should probably not drink that whole bucket of frozen margs in my freezer.

I always thought that I didn't drink because I was raised to not... but my brother would be out at some house party kicking ass at beer-pong if he were here right now... so that's not it.

Nope, I'm just completely weird.

And kinda pathetic.

But so not bitter.

I just ate a crappy quesadilla because apparently I am STARVING at 1:30 AM.


Grr... my tummy is going to eat itself soon... and then move onto other vital organs and ligaments.

So I just opened a hundred calorie pack.

Hmm... I am choc full of life and vitality now.

And now, for NO apparent reason, I have a Kylie Minogue song stuck in my head.

Why god? Why?!?!?

Aren't I suffering enough?!?

And I am too hungry/bitter/tired to appreciate the irony that the song that I can't get out of my head is called Can't Get you Outta My Head.


Well, if I have to suffer, so do you:

Saturday, October 4, 2008

I Really Hope at Least 5 People Read This Blog...

I wish I had a Birthday Every Month... Without Getting Any Older, Of Course...

Yesterday was one of those uber exciting and exhausting days.

It was my fake-birthday!

Happy fake-birthday to me!

My birthday present from Mikey was a day in Denver. So, we got tickets to the Last Comic Standing tour for last night, and dedicated the whole day to couple activities.

So we slept in, then went to Lucille's. It was Friday morning and there were a million people there. It was a 40 minute wait. "Why are all of these people here on a work day?" I asked myself... is it everyone's fake birthday today? Don't you people have jobs? (Side note: Yes, I have a job, but I was responsible and took PTO... it's my fake-birthday people.)

And then we heard them talk. Turns out most of them are Texans (dundunduh!) in for the game with CU. Who travels for a college football game? Do you seriously have enough time and money to infest our cute little city with your families?

It makes no sense to me...

Maybe I'm a little bitter, because they all got in the way of me and my food.

And that is so not OK.

So we finally battled it out with the Texans (dundunduh!) and were seated. And ate WAY TOO MUCH. I have this problem where I can't not eat too much. I think that it is a psychological/physical condition that should be listed in medical books. They could call it the Ally B Over-eatin syndrome...

They should do an episode of Grey's Anatomy about me...

So I ate beignets and giant biscuits and potatoes and eggs and grits and jam and spiced tea...

And my tummy hurt really badly.

But it was SO good.

The waitress kept asking if we wanted half-orders of our stuff.

Silly waitress... I am practically a professional at eating a lot.

Half-orders are for small-stomached sissy boys....

Then we walked along Pearl Street to try to work off some of the 5500 calories that I had just consumed.

I was able to get my ring cleaned, since I'm pretty sure small creatures were living in the setting and grits were stuck to the gems...

Then we went home where Mike studied google maps for about 30 minutes so that we could avoid any fist fights while trying to get to Denver.

It was really fun: we drove in circles looking for free parking... we went to the Denver Art Museum... Mike acted like a child and stuck his face about two inches away from the paintings, causing security guards to follow us around exhibits (for his explanation about why he does this, see this)... my blood sugar dropped so I started to panic and we had to run to Mad Greens to get some food in me before I passed out... then we walked all the way to Tattered Covers bookstore (about a mile).

I know it sounds like I'm complaining about it... but it really was A LOT of fun!

Now, we love bookstores, and from what I've heard, Tattered Covers is the best one around. But both Mike and I were left wanting more. It was cool and all, but they had NONE of the books that I wanted... or the books that Mike wanted... so their selection was crappy, to say the least.

Then we both had really bad tummy aches... I wonder why?

So we went and had tea and muffins for dinner before the show.

Then the security guards at the theater made us chug said tea out on the street because it was not allowed inside. They also told me I couldn't bring our muffin in, so I had to stuff it in a zippered pocket and cover it with tampons so that the male security guard would get uncomfortable and not ask any questions...

We got the muffin in.

The show was fun. We laughed a lot. I was sitting next to a woman who was there with her
twenty something daughter and her daughter's boyfriend. The woman kept turning to her daughter every thirty seconds and yelling, "What did he say?" or "I don't get it"...

It wasn't annoying at all... nor was the fact that she was a heavy mouth breather...

Then we came home and I collapsed in bed...

All in a fake-birthday's day...

Thanks, Kev... it was wonderful (picture a smiley face icon... I would do one, but it looks stupid...).

Monday, September 29, 2008

Lessons Learned

I just had to give Hannah a harsh lesson in reality.

I had to tell her: "If you love him, don't disembowel him."

I hope to pass this lesson onto my human daughter someday.

Thankfully, I was able to salvage Boris, her teddy bear, aka: love of her life and creature being disemboweled.

He's now emptied of most of his stuffing, but still full of Boris-loving-excitement.

We can only hope that this destruction does not become a habit.

For the sake of teddy bears everywhere...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Please Form a Queue and Let me Fix You...

(Hehe... my title rhymes...)

I have a problem...

OK... lots of problems, but there's a specific one that's bugging me.

I have this impulse to give my opinion on things.

More than that, I have a huge desire to help people.

When someone is hurt, I yearn to fix it. I have imaginary conversations in my head where they ask for my advice and I (finally) get to dispense all of this pent of wisdomness onto them.

And then that person thanks me profusely and wishes that they had just sucked it up sooner and asked for my opinion in the first place.

(Or I imagine opening a can of whoop ass on someone and shaking them because they are being stupid... but we all have that fantasy... right?)

But this rarely/never happens (either scenario).

It doesn't help that I have these urges to help people who I have very little business in helping.

They don't want my help.

And they might press charges/disown me if I kicked their ass...

I've been the person who stuck her nose in other people's business... and I've been emotionally pounded for it.

So I'm trying to stay out of other people's lives, unless invited.

Except when it comes to Kevin... it's my job to stick my nose in his life... sorry dude.

And Bonnie and Hannah. I had to give some serious trauma counseling to Bonnie after the deer incident.

And the fam... most of the time.

But with other people, I have to be very careful. I don't want to overstep my boundaries.

So now I just sit here... worrying...

And I wish I didn't. But I've been worried my entire life...

When I was little, I worried about my baby brother. (I still worry about him, but I keep it to myself... for the most part. At some point you just have to let the little bugger climb glaciers and jump out of airplanes...)

As I grew up, I worried about my friends.

When my parents split, I wasn't worried about me... I was worried about them.

When I was younger, my dad would tell me not to worry so much, or else I would get an ulcer.

Then I worried that I had an ulcer...

And those are just the other people that I worry for...

The smell of the inside of airplanes still gives me panic attacks.

Waiting in line gives me panic attacks.

Shopping (believe it or not) gives me panic attacks.

Low blood sugar gives me panic attacks.

And feeling out of control, or that I did something stupid, makes me panic, too.

Granted, it's a whole lot better than it used to be. I don't let it take over my life... and that is a very good thing.

But it's this sick feeling in my tummy that is the problem... the sick feeling when someone else is not doing well.

That's why I don't know if I can be a social worker. I know that it would be interesting, but I have a very hard time drawing the line between other people's feelings/problems and my own.

I don't know how it would all transfer into my own happiness.

Maybe I should just go back to being an ice cream scooper.

Although there is some worry in the ice creaming business... I would imagine that it's fairly less than in social work.

So, do I care too much?


Thinking about it, it may not be a "problem" (at least not in the same way that global warming or poverty are "problems"), but it sure does blow.

Not that I'm looking for sympathy...


I'm just sharing.

So don't worry about me.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Flip-Flops and a Fun Run... Take That Adventurous AJ!

While my baby brother is off climbing glaciers and mountains and swimming naked in New Zealand’s finest waterfalls, I am here.

Watching TV.


With my clothes on.

I walked a 5K on Sunday, though.

And in under an hour (59 minutes and 47 seconds, to be exact).

Mike walked the whole thing in flip-flops, which pretty much sums up why boys are silly.

The 5K was for the Boy’s and Girl’s Club of America, so there were a whole lot of kids there.

They all beat me.

We walked with some co-workers, and one of them brought her two little boys. Her four year old kicked our collective ass. Granted, he got to ride in a stroller for half of the race, while flip-floppy and I had to walk the whole thing, but the kid flat out ran the last half mile.

The plan was to stay behind him until the last little bit and then sprint in front, pushing him to the ground if need be, to finish before him…

But he was way faster than us, so that whole plan sort of failed.

Her one year old even beat us. But he was in the stroller the whole time, and only beat us because his pusher was hauling… but still.

There are always a lot of sponsors at these things, and they usually hand out free stuff. This is why I participate. Sure, the organization is a good one and all. And sure, the walking can only help my tiny-lung syndrome (Hey! We should have a 5K to benefit my condition! Sort of like a Rabies Fun Run…), but it’s really all about the free crap.

I got a few of those reusable grocery bags, which I love. I always forget them in the car when I go to the grocery store… but it’s the thought that

I also got two water bottles, one from Sports Authority, and from Westwood College.

Me: Mike, do you want a water bottle from Westwood College?
Mike: Nah, we have enough water bottles at home.
Me: Yes, but these have a number 1 on the bottom… ours all have 7s on the bottom and are slowly killing us from the inside.
Westwood College Rep: Well, at least you’re hydrated.
Me: Yes, we may be infertile and we may die, but at least we’ll die well hydrated.

I also took my fair share of free samples of Lara Bars and smoothie drinks.

They were also handing out bike helmets for free to kids. I tried to get Mike one, but he has a man head (read: large), and they didn’t fit.

One of the other free things was a magic eight ball. In an effort to not bring too much useless crap home with me, I left that there, but the speedy little four year old got one. He kept asking it if he would win the race, and asking his mom what it said.

When it kept saying to ask again later, he lost interest.

Oh, for a visual of said kid, see here.

And by the way, we walked the whole thing around a lake, and did I have any desire to take my clothes off and jump in? No.

Would my baby brother?

Not only would he have the desire… he would flat out do it.

Even after the four year old told everyone that he was pretty sure that there were alligators in there.

Again… boys = silly/kinda disturbing individuals.