Friday, March 6, 2009

Lumpy McGee is NOT Gwen Stefani

*NOTE: Bonnie is fine... so no worries.*

A few days ago Mike felt a bump above Bonnie's front leg.

(Is that an arm? I don't know... at the time I said it was an arm... but now I fear I am really wrong...)

We decided to give it a few days to see if it went away.

Then, a few days later, we found a scab in the vicinity of the (still very much existent) lump.

What went through my head?

SOMETHING HAS BURROWED UNDER HER SKIN AND IS SUCKING HER BLOOD AND EATING HER FOOD AND OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO GET IT OUT AND OH MY GOD DID IT JUST MOVE AND WHAT IF IT WANTS TO COME OUT... and so on.

So we I called the vet the next day...

(Oh, I used to work at my vet as a receptionist, so I know the people who work there fairly well.)

Sara the Receptionist: Indian-Peaks-Vet-Hospital-this-is-Sara-how-may-I-help-you? (I used to answer my cell phone like this by accident... awk-ward...)

Me: Hi, Sara, it's Ally.

Sara: Hey, Ally, how's it going? (Her voice is noticeably less perky... I assume that it's because she doesn't have to pretend to be happy with me because I've been-there-done-that and therefore know very well that she's not that perky and happy to be at work answering phones... or maybe she just ISN'T happy to hear from me...)

Me: Um... I have a question... well, not really a question as much as some information to share with you... although I could use some advice...

Sara: Let's hear it.

Me: So we found a lump on Bonnie and there is a scab in the general area and I'm a tad worried that there is, you know, something LIVING in her that, you know, burrowed INTO her... so I'm thinking that maybe we should have a professional look at her, you know?

Sara: Um... yeah... I would say I agree with you.

So we took Bonnie to the vet and had to sit in the room for awhile waiting for the doctor while Bonnie tried to sniff EVERYTHING and Hannah (who was there for a very traumatic nail-clipping and for moral support) hid under the bench where we were sitting.

Then the doctor came in and apologized for being late and told us it was because a dog was having a seizure in the other room... and that just made me feel bad about posting that video the other day... and then I felt even worse because I got the damn "Song for Epileptic Dogs" (see video) stuck in my head and I started humming it and I'm pretty sure I am one step closer to securing my spot in HELL.

While I was thinking about all of that Mike and the doctor held Bonnie down and the doctor took a sample of Bonnie's lumpy cells with a needle.

(I could hear Hannah thinking "if that bastard comes anywhere NEAR me with that poky thing I am biting him and THEN I will pee on him".)

Then we left and I spent the rest of the day waiting for the doctor to call to assure us that the lump was just a lump and not the "c" word.

(No... not THAT "c" word... you dirty freak.)

And then we got the call that she was fine and he thanked me again for being patient when he was late; so I kissed Bonnie, crowned her "Lumpy McGee", and bellowed the "Song for Epileptic Dogs" for all to hear.

PS: Bonnie does not yet respond to Lumpy McGee. I shouted for Lumpy McGee and nobody came.

PPS: I just shouted for Bonnie and nobody came either... either there actually IS something burrowed in her that is SUCKING HER HEARING AWAY... or she has NO RESPECT.

PPPS: Apparently she was able to hear a squirrel land on a branch two houses down which caused her to bark her lumpy-self into a barking-induced coma... so I think it's pretty clear that she has no respect at all.