Saturday, March 29, 2008

Wind is the Devil

I decided to take my beautiful bike (Miranda) out today. It's a really pretty day... warm, with a slight breeze. Spring to its fullest. I had to go get stamps, and rather than ride down the block to the grocery store, I decided to go to the post office. I was able to take the Creek path, and pretty much avoid all major roads. I got there, got my stamps, and then got back onto my bike. I thought that I could go to the bank on my bike too. I was on a role (no pun intended).
Then THE WIND began.
That nice, comfortable breeze had turned into a freaking fury of blowing force field that was zoned in right on Miranda and me. I could not move. I pedaled, and pedaled, and huffed and puffed, and that wind threw me around like a freaking plastic bag. I honestly thought that I was going to blow away and end up in Oz or something. At one point, while I was trying to get Miranda and me up a hill, I was pedaling and NOT MOVING!!! I was literally pedaling in place. I swear, the prairie dogs were laughing their little asses off in their wind-resistant holes. I was literally cussing the wind, and my legs, and was starting to have flashes of my life. I considered holing up in an underpass and calling 911: "Hello? I need help. My bike and I are trapped in a tree next to the creek because this freak wind storm has attacked me. Yes, I know it's a beautiful day, but it's a freaking hurricane out here! HELP! The prairie dogs have started to gather... and they look hungry... entertained, but hungry."
So, I threw my bike down. Actually, I gently placed my beloved cruiser down, but a stupid gust caused us to stumble to the ground. I sat there, watching the ducks and geese fight the waves that were forming on the creek, wishing that the wind would STOP STOP STOP!!! Well... it didn't, so after deciding that I WOULD SURVIVE, dammit, I got up, and pedaled my little legs off. It took forever, and I thought I might die, but WE MADE IT. Poor Miranda... a pretty little cruiser like her is NOT made for this!
This means that I burned extra calories... right?
PS: This picture isn't of my dogs... I got it off of google. But that's how I felt... and probably looked. Plus, it's a Joey dog.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Our Couch

It started with a rip. Just one... on one cushion. That's it.
Mike's aunt said, "Don't worry about it... you can just cover it up with a blanket!" The girls had just started to eat the couch. The rip had been there for years, started by former family dogs when I was a child.
It began with that one cushion.
When the stuffing began to poke through the leather, we covered it with shiny silver duct tape.
Then... it started to spread.
Corners were chewed on. Seat cushions were slashed by sharp puppy canines. The back of the couch began to be clawed at. We would come home and clouds of fluff would be all over the floor, in the backyard, and stuck in their teeth. Duct tape was found tangled in their fur that had to be cut out with scissors.
Duct tape covered the tears. They were reopened again and again. The edges started to peel, and suddenly we found ourselves re-taping the original tears. Buying duct tape in bulk from Costco.
We bought Bitter Apple spray. The cartoon on its bottle has a puffball of a puppy with a disgusted sneer on its face. We would spray it on the duct tape and leather and it would pool in puddles, or run down the sides. It actually worked a few times. We came home, and the couch was still intact (at least as intact as when we left it a few hours before). But it stopped working. Did they get used to the taste? Did they start to adapt, or actually start to like the bitter liquid? Did it become like salad dressing to them: a little more flavor to a naturally bland meal?
I stopped wasting my money.
When we lean back, our clothes stick, leaving black marks that are impossible to erase. Hair is pulled out after lying down. Skin has to be peeled away slowly, leaving the glue in strips along the backs of our legs and arms.
Now, more than half of the couch is a faded silver. Dirt, hair and skin cells are stuck to it. But it's our couch.
I guess we're gonna need a bigger blanket.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

For Those of You New To The World 'O' Blogs

New to Blogs?

It's come to my attention that many of my readers are new to this whole blog thing. So here are a few things to help you navigate Ally B Speakin:

  • If you like something (or hate something), and want to tell me about it, click on the link at the bottom of the post you want to comment about that says "_ People Said Something". When you're there, you can sign in with your Gmail account, or just use your name. I moderate my comments, so I have to approve it before it's posted publicly... and I reserve the right to NOT publish mean comments, though I will read them and curse your name listen to your criticism. COMMENTS RULE... so SPEAK UP!
  • Follow me! Now anybody with a Google account can follow me by clicking the "Follow" button (duh) under the section labeled "Adoring Fans". If you follow me, I will love you forever and send you a birthday present. (OK, not really... I'm a blogger, I have no money - HIRE ME to change this - but I totally would if I could.)
*Commenting and Following are SUPER important, because it tells me HOW MANY readers I have and WHO my readers are... I NEED to hear from you; it keeps me motivated... so join the fun!*
  • Each post has "labels" attached to it. You can see these at the bottom of each post. If you find yourself enjoying certain posts, and want more about the same subject, go to the section in the sidebar called "Organization Rules!" and click on the label that you want more of. You will be brought to ALL of the posts with that label, with the most recent post about that subject at the top.
  • If you like what you read and just CAN'T get enough of lil' ol' me, check out the archives! These are located at the bottom of my sidebar (called "Previously on Ally B Speakin...") and ALL of my posts are listed there by month.
  • And finally, my mother keeps asking me, "What the HELL is TWITTER!?!" According to "Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?" In my own words: Twitter is literally people telling the world what they are doing. If you go to my Twitter page, you can see me leave brief tidbits about what I'm doing/thinking/talking about. You can also see me having conversations with other Twitter people (my Tweeps) by using an @ symbol. If you want to see my updates, or "Tweets", they are streamed live into my sidebar (called "Snapshots"), and if you are on Twitter, you can follow me: @AllyBSpeakin.
Here's a video from the CEO of Twitter, Evan Williams, about Twitter. It should help clear it all up, too.

If you have other questions, please feel free to comment on this post, or send me an email at AllyB [at] AllyBSpeakin [dot] com.

All About Ally B

My Philosophy:

Sometimes you just have to look at the more mundane things in life... and sometimes you just have to laugh out loud... and sometimes you just have to be a little bit (OK... a-lot-o-bit) bitchy... and sometimes you just have to blog about it...

Who is Ally B?

Well, for starters:

I am from Boulder, Colorado... so I rule.

I graduated from CU Boulder in May of 2008.

I have two AMAZING (slash naughty) dogs.

I have an AMAZING (slash naughty) boyfriend who I have been since 2002.

I look at the world through a "how can I make this offensive/sarcastic/funny?" lens.

My middle name is the letter "B"... no period... hence the "Ally B" in "Ally B Speakin"

I want to write (SO HIRE ME).

My Warning:

Although I love to have people READ my stuff... I write for me. I write to practice. I write to be "creative". I write to "find my voice" (and yes, my "voice" like to cuss...). So, if you enjoy what you read here, THANK YOU! If you don't... there are TONS of blogs out there, and I suggest you find one that suits you better. (Please see my blogroll for some awesome suggestions.)

Sharing the Love

I read/love/envy/obsess over the following:


A Life in Translation @jamievaron

A Southern Fairytale @sthrnfairytale

Adventures in Babywearing @babysteph

All & Sundry @Sundry

Ashalah @ashalahblogs

Attack of the Redneck Mommy @redneckmommy

Blessed Treehouse @alihooper

Caligater @caligater

Capuchio Designs

Chelsea Talks Smack @ChelsTalksSmack

Cynical Nymph

Doniree @doniree

Ex Hot Girl @ExHotGirl

FaintStarLite @FaintStarLite

Good Mom / Bad Mom

Gwen Bell: Big Love in a Small World @gwenbell

Her Bad Mother @herbadmother

Jennsylvania @altgeldsgrugged

Life Without Pants: Perspective On Life Less Restricted

mark's feelings diary? @Marrrrrrk

moosh in indy @mooshinindy

More is Better @nicoleisbetter

Motherhood Uncensored @mublogger

Mr. 5280 @Mr5280

Mrs. FussyPants @alliworthington

No Sense of Time @GeorgeGSmithJr

Okay, Fine, Dammit

Pleasure Notes @emmajames

rhymes with milk @rhymeswithmilk

Rochelle's Blog ::: Subtitles Included @rochellescott

scottlawan @herolawan

Secret Agent Mama @secretagentmama

Small Hands, Big Ideas @gracekboyle

Stratejoy: Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis

Tall Tara

The Bloggess @thebloggess

The Bloggess: Ask the Bloggess on PNN

The Bloggess on SexIs

The Demoiselles @TheDemoiselles

The Run-a-Muck @amberrunsamuck

The Spohrs Are Multiplying @mamaspohr

The Stiletto Mom @thestilettomom

To Think Is To Create @ToThink

tout-est-des-roses @sarasophia

Toy With Me @toywithme

Velveteen Mind

Violence UnSilenced

Whiskey in my Sippy Cup

World's Strongest Librarian

your wishcake. @yourwishcake