Sunday, April 5, 2009

Fit or Fail: World of Pain Edition

A very brief assessment of how I did on this past week's goals:

Eat healthier

  • FIT: for the most part, I was very good! I ate NO Thin Mints!!
Work out four times
  • FIT
Increase the weight of my strength training
  • I tried to do at least one rep at a higher weight than I normally do... so FIT.
Interval train for my cardio
  • This referred to the times that I went on the elliptical. I did interval training the first to times, but not today... you will soon learn why that was IMPOSSIBLE... so I'm calling this a FIT because I would have interval trained today if MY LEGS WORKED... again, more on that soon.
Eat on a more regular basis (aka, avoid that fainting feeling if at all possible)
  • I'm still working on this one... I'm still learning the most appropriate way to spread my food out throughout the day... so it's a work in progress... but also a FAIL.
Move on my non-workout days (even if it's inside)
  • I missed Wednesday. We were in the hospital all day, but it still makes it a FAIL. But the rest of the days I did very well, so I'm not beating myself up over it.
Convince Mike that me shoveling the snow really doesn't help ANYONE and that the job should either be his or outsourced to a teenager...
  • The conversation hasn't come up... yet. Maybe I'll make a video about it...
Also, I get a FIT because I didn't make a whole birthday cake for Mike, and therefore didn't eat a whole birthday cake... we did have a treat (three cheers for donuts!), but I factored it into my daily calorie budget, so I'm not counting it as a fail...

NOW… the reason that was so brief is because I have something else VERY important to write about.

I am here to tell all of you to STAY AWAY from this machine:

Or it's cousin:
These are the hip abductor and adductor machines.

They should be torn apart and burned.

They should have a warning on them with a big picture of a crying vagina on them.

That's right... I said it.

In fact, I am now naming these machines the "VAGINA DESTROYERS"... complete with capital letters and angry red font.

(I know I could just say that these machines are responsible for intense groin pain... but I'm taking it to the next level because that's how I roll…)

So I used these horrible torture devices a couple of days ago and now I can't walk without looking like a duck... who was shot in the groin.

Seriously. This machine is pure evil.

It was probably invented by Lord Voldemort.

Or the Volturi.

Or republicans.

If I ever return to these damn machines (I'll have to gain function back in my lower extremities first...) I'll have to perform some sort of ritual with a burning sage stick, big drum, and possibly a medicine man, all in an effort to ward off all of the bad, vagina-hating spirits that obviously haunt them.

So, consider this my Public (Pubic?) Service Announcement...

(Goals for this week are to continue along the same path as last week. It seems to be working.)

(But with less duck walking... hopefully...)

(AND I should mention that I get a HUGE FIT for going and working out today, even though I could barely make it onto the elliptical machine...)

(I'm kind of amazing...)