Reverb 10: Wonder

December 4: Wonder

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

In the last few months, I've allowed myself to wonder.

About the future.

About what's next.

About what I want/need/can see myself doing.

I've returned to school. I'm learning new things. I'm going to keep it up.

It felt good to wonder.

And it feels good to begin to act on it.

Reverb 10: Moment

I wanted to go to bed and write today's Reverb 10 post tomorrow. My head is feeling stuffy, my body aches from being on my feet all day, and I've got a very fluffy pillow in my eye line.

BUT.

I realized that today's prompt doesn't need to be long. It doesn't need a lot of description (even though it explicitly asks for it).

It just needs to be answered.

Short, sweet, to the point.

December 3: Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year.

Describe it in vivid detail (textures, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Hospital waiting room, surrounded by people who care about my family, waiting waiting waiting.

My mom is out. She's doing great. And so now we're waiting for the BIG NEWS.

The BIG ANSWER.

The phone rings. My aunt answers. It's the nurse in the operating room.

"The kidney is in, and it's working perfectly."

Reverb 10: Writing

It's Day 2 of the Reverb 10 project and I'm still doing it. I deserve a cookie.

December 2: Writing.

What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?

(DISCLAIMER: I fully intended to write about why this question is bullshit and ended up answering the stupid fucking thing. Touche, Reverb 10 team. You sneaky little ninjas.)

I'm looking at this prompt from two different perspectives. If the question is asking, "What do you do that doesn't contribute to your story", then my answer is EVERYTHING contributes to the story, and nothing should be eliminated.

HOWEVER, I didn't take the prompt that way at first. I've taken it to be asking what it is we do that keeps us from physically writing each day. You might take it differently. I'm just making that clear up front because it's important to have context before reading my overly dramatic rant that follows.

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It seems like most of the participants of Reverb 10 aren't happy with this prompt.

And I'm one of them.

I think that my first problem with it is that it assumes that we're all writers or want to be writers. It excludes those who want to participate as a means to reflect on their year, but don't want to write on a regular basis.

Another reason I don't really like this prompt is that it's obvious. Whether we're going to admit it or not, we all know the answer.

It's us.

WE get in our own way.

WE make excuses.

And, of course, that doesn't "contribute".

We do that for EVERYTHING we want or need to do. We don't do things (whether it be writing or exercising or learning to play the ukulele) because WE come up with reasons to avoid shit.

And even if you blame it on lack of time or lack of money (ukuleles ain't free) or too much Facebook or TV, the only thing really holding you back is YOU.

So even of you take the "writing" part out of the prompt, and add something else that you should or could be doing that you don't, you're still left with the same obvious answer.

And you know what? That's ok. I don't want to write if I'm not burning with the desire to actually do it. And truth be told, I don't want to read your stuff if you were only writing it because you HAD to.

If you have the luxury of not having to do something everyday unless you really want to, enjoy it. Don't make yourself feel like shit for not doing it.

(Unless the thing holding you back is something like fear or a lack of confidence. I encourage you to try and figure that out, especially if it's holding you back from something really important, like doing the things you care about or taking risks.)

(At least that's what my therapist mom keeps telling me.)

So maybe some people hated this prompt because they don't want to admit that they are the reason they don't write everyday, but I don't like it because there's no variety in the answers.

Like I said, the answer is obvious.

PS: I don't expect to like every prompt. That's fine and I still love the project. BUT, rather than just answer the prompt and not express my feelings about it, or ignore it all together and just post a blurry picture of my dog holding a cereal box in her mouth (aka: my first draft), I decided to answer honestly. I'm not meaning to offend anyone or be disrespectful.

PPS: If you wrote a post today saying that you're the thing standing in the way of your writing or you're the only thing holding you back - in other words: the "obvious" answer - thank you for your honesty. I'm not trying to downplay your answer at all. The answer is obvious because it's universal, and there's nothing wrong with that. The thing I have an issue with is the actual question, not your answer.

PPPS: Does this prompt make anybody else NEVER WANT TO WRITE AGAIN? I don't understand what's happened. I should have just put that stupid picture of the dog up...

PPPPS: I just saw tomorrow's prompt. I like it a lot. My emotions and opinions are impossible to keep up with.

And So I'm Trying

(I feel the need to warn you that this is a weird post. In fact, you should probably just go read about shoes and true love and procrastination instead.)

So... What do you want to do with your life?

I hate this question.

It makes me panicky, and queasy, and

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME.

Because really,

truly,

I'm not sure.

I don't know.

And don't tell me that "nobody knows".

I've spent the past two years asking people about

what they want,

observing people when they

speak to me about their lives,

listening

to what people say when they talk about

what they love and

where they want to

go.

And the vast majority of them know. Or at least have an idea.

They have a clue.

They may not know how to get there, or have all of the specifics figured out, but the majority have a direction to go.

(I'm aware that, sadly, many of them will never get where they want to go.)

I have no direction.

I have no clue.

I am blank.

Yes, I know that I'm not

completely alone.

But this isn't about everybody else. Saying "but Ally, nobody knows" doesn't make me feel any better. That's like telling somebody who's just had a really painful root canal, "tons of people have horrifying dental surgery at some point", and expecting that to make it ok.

A few weeks ago, my mom said:

At some point, you have to move forward.

You have to make a decision.

You have to be an adult...

(Moms, right?)

I've spent the past two years

stuck.

Lost.

I've been stuck

because

I'm stuck.

[And probably because I'm scared. Of what? Not sure.]

Not because I'm lazy. Not because I don't care. Not because I want to stay a reckless, irresponsible kid.

(I've never been a reckless, irresponsible kid.)

Now, finally, I'm starting to move forward. I'm starting to push outside of my

very

comfortable

comfort zone.

And I'm trying to answer those scary questions. The WHATs and WHENs and WHEREs and WHYs that make my tummy hurt.

I'm trying not to run away from them.

I'm trying to let those scary questions, those

GROWN UP BIG GIRL decisions,

sit on my plate for awhile.

I'm not throwing them away and ignoring them as soon as they come up.

I'm trying.

Call it a quarter-life crisis if you want.

My priorities - and the people I love - are still the same.

[Those things aren't changing.]

But I suppose it's time to move forward.

To do

something.

I'm trying.

Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal

Today Jenny wrote that her close friend Nancy W. Kappes passed away last week.

I met Nancy in Chicago last year, at BlogHer 2009. I was scared and overwhelmed and Nancy made me laugh so hard that I almost pulled a muscle.

She had an impact on me. She made me smile. She laughed at my jokes. She looked me in the eyes and told me I was beautiful. She offered me vodka out of a water bottle.

She made me feel like I belonged in that bathroom.

Like I belonged with those people.

She had the balls to say whatever was on her mind, even though most of it was totally fucked up and made people uncomfortable WHICH IS WHY SHE WAS AMAZING.

She was totally irreverent, completely inappropriate, and unconditionally herself.

Pretty much awesome in every way.

I feel so lucky to have spent a night with her, to have hugged her, to have politely declined heavy duty pharmaceuticals from her.

I'm so sorry for her family and friends. Someone with a personality like hers leaves a huge void.

But I want them to know that she mattered, even to lil' ol' me.

Thank you, Nancy.

Now I'm going to go get drunk and possibly partake in some Nancy W. Kappes style arts and crafts.

I suggest y'all do that too.

*For Nancy.*

This is Why the Geeks Matter

So I was going to write this whole post about turning 25 last week and how I said I'm in my "quarter-life crisis" and my dad said, "Ally, that's ridiculous. The chances of you living to 100 are slim, so 'quarter-life' really isn't accurate."

(Thanks, Daddy.)

And I was also going to write about how my amazing, beautiful mother will be donating her kidney to my amazing, beautiful father on Monday, September 13th. The short story: he needs a kidney, my mom has a kidney, she's been through every test you can imagine to make sure she can give said kidney, and now it's happening. Little bit more info: they're divorced, which apparently makes this whole thing weird to some people.

Want the long story? I'm totally going to be a bitch and make you wait because my mom and I are publishing it on our site, She Thinks, on the day of the surgery. SO, be sure to check out She Thinks this upcoming Monday to get my thoughts on this whole thing, and my mom's side of the story (which will probably be way more fascinating than mine). I'm also going to be tweeting from the waiting room with the hashtag #divorcedkidneys, so follow along if you're so inclined.

Which brings us to why I'm not writing those posts at the moment.

Something happened on Monday, September 6th, in Boulder County, just west of the city.

It caught on fire.

Like for reals.

So I took that picture from my backyard and then wrote an extremely eloquent message and posted it to Twitter, because that's what us geeks do.

And then something happened. A LOT of us started tweeting.

People from all over Colorado started posting pictures, telling what roads were closed, and where the flames were.

And some dedicated people started listening to the police scanners and tweeting everything that was said.

And the news agencies used us to tell the public what was happening.

Because we were the ones who knew, and who needed to know.

And the community started taking care of each other. Restaurants tweeted that they wanted to offer complimentary meals to those displaced. People started offering up their spare bedrooms and couches to people who couldn't go home, or no longer had a home. Strangers tweeted offers to house pets while displaced owners figured out a place to stay.

It was incredible.

On Wednesday tweets started coming out that the firefighters needed protein bars and energy drinks to keep up their strength. Since they were defending my city, and specifically the house where my brother is currently living (he's fine, his house is fine), I decided to reach out to a couple of Boulderites who have a far more impressive reach than I do.

First, using Facebook and Twitter, I wrote to Sean Foreman from 3OH!3, who Mike and I graduated high school with. He immediately started tweeting about what was needed and where to bring it.

Then I decided that the people who have Costco packs of Powerbars might just be following someone who works as an editor at Men's Health Magazine. And thankfully I happen to know an editor at Men's Health Magazine. And he happens to be a CU graduate who loves Boulder as much as I do. So I asked Adam to tweet to his followers that we needed help.

Soon after Adam's tweet, companies started stepping up. Detour Bar reached out to me asking where they could send products to. (I honestly never, ever expected that to happen.) Adam got in touch with Team Optimum and today I received SIX HUNDRED protein bars which I brought to the Boulder Reservoir, where hundreds of firefighters are camped out.

And it felt awesome.

Hannah was obviously overwhelmed with excitement.

So the next time you hear about twitter or bloggers or those damn kids who can't stay off of their ridiculous smart phones, remember that it can be useful and amazing and a force to be reckoned with. Sure, most of the time it's silly and narcissistic, but sometimes, when it matters, the geeks online get shit done.

****************

The fire isn't out, yet. As of this moment, 169 homes have been confirmed as destroyed, and several of those houses belonged to firefighters. There are lots of ways to help, if you're so inclined. Click here for more information.

On BlogHer and a New Project

Her: Why are you going to New York City?

Me: To see my friends.

BlogHer is this week and I'm so freaking excited. I'm excited to see the people that I only get to see once, maybe twice, a year. I'm excited to run around Manhattan with Mike. I'm excited to eat and drink and shop and OHMYGOD people I just want to GO already.

It's easy to get caught up in the drama of the conference. To get obsessed with free shit and private parties and who's who and where the cool people are. I'm trying desperately to stay away from it all. I'm trying to control my knee jerk reaction to grab everything handed to me (I DON'T NEED ANOTHER FLASH DRIVE), or to try to get into every party there is.

Because? It's not worth it. I'm not going for all of that. Hell, I'm not really going for the conference part at all. I'm going because I just want to see some amazing women who I love dearly. (And I'm so sad that some of them won't be there.)

I'm going because most days I feel completely lost, but when I'm with these people, I feel like maybe I get it. Maybe it'll be okay. Maybe...

And for that? I'll put up with muggy New York City in August.

Alright, enough with the sappy BlogHer crap. Onto bigger and bloggy-er things:

My mom and I started a new blogging project together. It's called She Thinks and it's now live. Every week we take a topic submitted by our readers and we each write about it and post it on www.SheThinks.com. We already have 3 posts up, and every Monday there will be a new one, so tell us what you think. We're also on Twitter and have a Facebook page, if you're into that sort of thing.

Otherwise, I'll see you in NYC.

Thank You Notes: Blissful Edition

(This post is sappy, personal, and ridiculously lovey. Not your thing? Read my first Blissdom post instead.)

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Dear Esther,

Thank you for being my friend, not just online, but in person.

Thank you for making me think, for sharing your stories, for sharing your insight,

for being you.

Thank you for checking on me when I got locked out of my hotel room, and thank you for *not* making me feel like a total idiot when I pocket dialed you (twice) and left you messages of me discussing the best cookie choice with the sales girl in the hotel lobby.

(It was white chocolate cherry, in case that wasn't clear from my message.)

(Sorry 'bout that.)

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Dear Casey,

Thank you for hugging me when I shared one of my biggest fears with you,

for getting it,

for getting me.

Thank you for telling me to "do it" when I said I might cry. (Not in a mean way (DO IT), but in an encouraging way... I thought I should clear that up.)

Thank you for stopping me when I was leaving the party the first night, for talking to me instead of allowing me to wander around by myself.

Thank you for telling me I'm awesome, for being awesome yourself, for being my new found lobster.

********************

Dear Mary Anne,

I hereby dub you my Fairy Blog Mother.

Thank you for hugging me, telling me you were proud of me,

being my safety net.

Thank you for telling me which side of the stage to stand on to get my picture taken with Harry Connick, Jr. You're basically the best Fairy Blog Mother ever.

********************

Dear Steph,

Oh Steph. Thank you thank you thank you for hanging out with me.

For letting me essentially stalk you.

You are stuck with me now, my dear,

because I adore you so.

Thank you for saying hello, for dancing with me, for letting me hold that beautiful tiny dancer of yours.

Thank you for inspiring me.

(Seriously, Ivy is so freaking cute she makes my uterus hurt).

******************

Dear Alli,

You throw one hell of a party.

I am forever in awe of you.

Thank you for letting me be a part of it,

for including me,

for stopping to hug me whenever you saw me,

for being amazing.

Thank you for saying "Ally B Speakin'" with the best southern accent ever... it makes me smile every time.

******************

I met more women than I can thank here. They all deserve it, though, and I thank them too.

Seriously, ladies, if we talked, hung out, danced, hugged, or even rode an elevator together,

thank you.

New Directions

I recently decided to take a class at CU. I want to go to grad school, but I'm not positive what I want to study.

My background is in Women and Gender Studies, but I'm not interested in going back for another degree in that or Sociology. I decided to look for something that made me excited, and to take an intro undergrad class in that subject.

I decided on Speech, Language and Hearing Sciences, so I'm taking an Intro to Human Communication Sciences this semester. So far, I love it. I belong in school, and I'm happy to be learning something totally new and different.

Going back to school now is very different than being an undergrad. I'm there because I want to learn something. I want to possibly start a new career. I want to soak it up. I'm not there for the grade, for the credit, or to fill a spot. I'm there for me.

Which is awesome.

(PS: Even though I'm really enjoying this and all, I still wait until the last possible second to do my homework. Because I love to procrastinate... I'm really good at it, and you gotta play to your strengths.)

(PPS: One thing I've learned being back on campus: wearing leggings as pants is totally acceptable. Especially when it's 39 degrees.)

(PPPS: I guess that's probably okay since it's also super awesome to wear Uggs with said pant-leggings, therefore keeping you nice and warm?)

(PPPPS: I am learning *so* much.)

Best of 09: Laugh

December 29th: Laugh. What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?

If you haven't already figured it out, my entire family is completely insane. Earlier this year my grandma said, "This family is not dysfunctional, we're funny."

I'm very lucky because I'm surrounded by hilarious people. We're so completely insane that we laugh all the time. It's the way we are.

(I've actually had people say that they would buy tickets just to observe our Thanksgiving dinner...)

My friends constantly make me smile and fall over with laughter.

My relationship with Mike is built on total hilarity... we make each other laugh every single day. (I truly believe that it's the number one reason we've been together for nearly 8 years (so far).)

Even my dogs have a sense of humor (when I'm having a bad day, I swear they do shit just to make me smile).

Some people think that I have a cynical, dark, sense of humor, but I don't see it that way. I think laughing at the twisted, disturbing stuff makes living easier, better, and fun. I've learned that you have to laugh at the dark stuff because it's the only way to get through it all.

Some of the funniest people that I've met have lived through unimaginable tragedy - the loss of a child, horrible disease, terrible accidents - but they keep laughing and they keep making other people laugh.

Laughter makes you happy to be alive, it makes it easier to get up in the morning, it allows you to cope when something bad happens.

It's survival.

It's the only way to live.

PS: You know what's really funny? This post is about the biggest laugh of my year and it's turned out to be a ridiculously serious commentary...

PPS: Shit... I feel bad about that. Here:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

You're welcome.

Best of 09: Project

This is my 200th post! Throw streamers! Glitter! Presents all around!

(Except not.)

(But yay.)

December 21st: Project. What did you start this year that you're proud of?

Honestly? This. This crazy, month long Best of 2009 Blog Challenge.

This past year I've gone back and forth between writing several times a week and writing once or twice a month. This is the first time that I've not only committed to blogging everyday, but actually done it. The prompts from Gwen help immensely, but the fact that I've written something - anything - even when I really didn't feel like it or want to... that's pretty cool.

Instead of saying "maybe later" or just ignoring the many, many tweets about this project, I actually joined in. And that isn't something that I usually do.

The posts might not always be amazing or inspiring or hilarious, but at least they're here... and I'm proud of that.

Best of 09: Rush

December 14th: Rush. When did you get your best rush of the year?

I would say the biggest rush I had this year was speaking at my grandmother's funeral.

I didn't think that I could do it. I didn't really want to do it. But I felt so much better after I did.

I felt relieved that it was over.

I felt proud that I had stood in front of 60 plus people and spoken coherently.

I felt happy that I was able to make people laugh instead of cry.

In it's own way, that experience was "a rush".

And, if I'm going to be completely honest, I got a rush when they sang "Somebody to Love" on Glee:

Best of 09: Moment of Peace

Best of 2009 Blog Challenge prompt for today:

December 8th: Moment of Peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?

Ironically, this question has been stressing me out.

I don't have a lot of peaceful moments. Believe it or not, my mind is a very busy place (even if my body is, well, not.)

One moment that keeps coming up for me is when my grandma was dying. My mom, brother and I had been at her house for 24 hours. A nurse and social worker from our local Hospice Care came to talk to us. They explained the process of dying, explained what was happening, how to keep my grandmother comfortable, and assured us that she wasn't in pain. We had spent the previous day terrified that we were doing everything wrong. We were afraid that we weren't doing enough (whatever that means). We were afraid that we couldn't leave her alone. That we couldn't relax.

But they took away all of our fears. They told us that we couldn't do anything wrong. She would go when she was ready.

It was like they flipped a switch in us. We relaxed, we breathed, we let ourselves smile. We ended up having a great night. We watched TV, we ate junk food, we laughed. The people from Hospice Care told us that the sounds of us having a good time would probably be reassuring to my grandmother. Even her dog, Rachael, who hadn't left her side in days, came out and sat with us for awhile.

The nurse had told us that it would probably be a few more days before she went, but, of course, she passed away that night. (She never was one to play by the rules.)

It's a little weird to think about, but that night was a good night. My brother, mom and I bonded. My grandma was able to hear us having a good time in the other room. It was... peaceful.

Now, enough about my sweet dead grandma and let's get back to me.

(If that offends you, you obviously didn't know her, because she'd think that was hilarious.)

Yesterday I saw that the weather was supposed to get even colder today, so I decided to buck up and take Bonnie and Hannah to a park a block away. I put on a ridiculous amount of layers, shoved my pants into my boots, and wore my 75 cent gloves from Target.

(Those gloves weren't warm *at all*... shocking.)

We got to the park and started to run around and, sure enough, the dogs started limping with frozen paws.

I TOLD THEM SO.

I fought the urge to rub that fact in their little doggy faces (because I'm mature), and we headed home. When we got to the front yard the girls started to make doggy angels, so I figured maybe they were fine and could handle a little more outside time. Then they started to walk on three legs again, so we scratched that idea.

APPARENTLY Bonnie has forgotten this whole experience because she has spent much of the 5 degree day sitting in the backyard, staring at the kitchen window. I think that she knows I'll see her there, and she's trying to convince me that she's tough enough for a walk.

She then comes inside, burrows under my blanket, and spends the next 15 minutes licking the ice off of her paws.

Yeah, nice try Bonnie. Nice try.

Laugh

After I spoke at my grandmother's memorial two weeks ago, I was approached by several people who all said the same thing:

"You should do stand-up comedy."

I know... it's a weird thing for someone to say to the granddaughter of the deceased. But I guess I was flattered.

I managed to make people laugh during a pretty shitty situation, and that's always cause for celebration, huh?

But I didn't stand up there intending to make people laugh. My grandma was just a funny person (the woman wrote jokes in her will, people), and so I just spoke about what I thought she'd want to hear.

(Which just happens to include telling everyone in the room to vote Democrat, because if they didn't, she'd know.)

I could say a lot more about the past two or three weeks... but it's just not gonna happen.

Love Letter

Dear Mike,

Thanks for not laughing or rolling your eyes when I called you as you were leaving work to ask if you would get me some frozen yogurt on your way home.

And thanks for thinking that it was totally normal that I wanted Cap'n Crunch as my topping.

And thanks for watching Michael Jackson videos with me and then listening to me ramble about how he was a freakin' genius and how he essentially changed pop culture as we know it.

And thanks for making me spit out my water when you said that you were named after him.

And thanks for checking the backyard to find out what that scary noise was. Some people might have thought you looked silly with your head through the dog door to see if our neighbors were murdering someone, but I felt very safe looking at your torso stuck half inside/half outside the house.

Loves,

Ally B

The King

I used to watch this video over and over again.

No, it's not "Thriller".

Yes, it's the most expensive music video of all time.

(I've always had amazing taste.)

And, yes, I kinda wish my brother and I had come up with more synchronized choreography in leather pants...

(It's too late now; my brother has broken knees and I can't fit into tight leather pants... oh, what could have been...)

Michael Jackson |MTV Music

Fit or Fail: Taking a Break Edition

Sometimes you need to take a break from counting calories and only eating the healthy items on the menu.

You need to take a break from drinking only diet and saying "no" to that awesome desert.

The next few days are my break.

I'm going to Las Vegas, and you can bet your ass that I won't be freaking out about diet and exercise.

Going to a buffet is no fun when you're watching what you eat.

(The whole point of a buffet is being able to mix Italian food with Chinese food and taking a bite of each version of pie and cake available.)

(Duh...)

And I don't want to spend the whole trip freaking out. I want to go have fun. I want to have some cookies. I want to have a couple (or more) drinks.

(And let's face it: the drinks that have all of those calories are ALWAYS more fun on vacation. Light beer is for BBQs at home. Something frozen with hard alcohol? For the pool.)

I can count and burn calories when I get home...

So this trip will not be about fit or fail... it's about fun.

(And eating... a lot...)

(Can I get a "hell yes"?)

(PS: I promise more blog posts are coming soon... the last week has been crazy, but I've got a whole lot to share with you all... when I get back from vacation, of course.)

Acceptance

So I sat down to write a post about people who have nothing better to do than to write mean comments to me, but it turned into some rambling gibberish with a whole lot of cuss words, so I thought it better to leave that in my private blog rather than force all of you to read it.

But apparently there's this person, "Anonymous" (I think he/she must be Greek... it sounds like a Greek name to me... NOT THAT IT MATTERS... please don't send me comments about how I'm mean to Greeks... it's just an observation), who really has nothing nice to say to me.

And it sucks to get mean comments.

It really sucks.

But, I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will agree with you.

I sure don't like everyone. And I sure as hell don't agree with everyone.

And since I opened up my blog to more people, I'm bound to get people who hate me and who just HAVE to share their two cents.

That's just part of the game.

So I should just let it go...

(Ha!)

This latest comment said: "I don't expect that you'll publish this."

And he/she expected correctly. I clicked delete, because this is a happy place, where only Ally B is allowed to be a total a-hole.

It's my right as an "artiste".

(I went through a brief moment where I was like, "oh I should so publish this", but that was AFTER I clicked delete so I would have had to go through all of this BS to try and get it published and I realized that nobody who tells me I'm a bad person is worth that much effort. If you're curious, they had a problem with this post. Something about me using "being a girl" as an insult... and therefore I can't be a feminist... I have a feeling Anonymous hates dead baby jokes, too... so it's not like we could be friends anyway.)

(Wait! What if Anonymous IS one of my friends who didn't have the guts to write his/her name... I'm going to have to investigate. All of you who are my so-called friends... please wait outside my house for an extensive lie-detector test followed by a beat-down from the dogs...)

(Though the majority of my friends are fans of dead baby jokes... hmm...)

(And don't send me a bunch of hate mail about how I hate babies!)

And so, to all you "anonymous" peoples out there who just can't help it:

It's okay. Sometimes I ask for it.

Sometimes I stick my foot in my mouth.

And sometimes I need to hear it.

But, you should know...

In the eloquent words of Ms. Tina Fey...

You can suck it.

On to New Things...

I will miss the house that I grew up in.

We sell it tomorrow.

I don't want to say goodbye to it.

It's been such a busy week, and I'm entering another equally busy week, so it hasn't really hit me that "The Big House" is not going to be ours anymore.

I'm sad...

But I have to look at this as the beginning of things... new and exciting things for all of us.

And then it doesn't seem like such a sad thing...

But I will miss it.

Guster |MTV Music

New Beginnings

I'm supposed to be working... but the connection to my work computer is going about as fast as I run... so that's not going to happen.

So here I blog.

The past few days have brought a lot of things to my mind.

Between the election, the juice fast, and my tenure at my job coming to an end, I have been thinking a lot about the future.

So first, let me tell you all about my juice fast.

The first day was easy. I was so scared that it would be really hard, but I was able to pull it off with minimal discomfort.

The second day was harder. I had to help dad pack up the kitchen and load the truck with drywall, so my body started to feel the strain of low caloric intake.

Plus, my dad made me go to one of my favorite breakfast places with the family... and he made spaghetti. That was really hard to get through without, you know, eating.

Thankfully my dad covered the spaghetti in animal carcass so that I wouldn't want to eat it...

The third day was the hardest. I was really hungry, and I had to go into the office. The office is my downfall. I eat all day. There is food everywhere (including leftover Halloween candy).

By the end of the third day, I started to feel really slugish, no matter how much juice I drank, so I decided to start eating again. I went to Whole Foods and made a huge salad.

It was weird, salad was something that I craved the whole time I was fasting.

That and potatoes...

So, what did I learn from all of this?

My goal was to get through those situations where I usually consume more food than most professional football players.

And I did it!

It was so empowering to sit through a breakfast and not clean my plate.

And it was amazing to be at the office and not snack on chips and candy all day.

I was able to get through those situations without giving in and giving up.

It was pretty sweet.

So probably the most important lesson that I learned was that I can do anything I set my mind to.

The other important thing that I learned was that I am in control when it comes to food.

I don't have to eat. At least not as much as I usually do, and at least not as much crap as I usually do.

I've convinced myself that I am completely out of control when it comes to eating. I've convinced myself that I have to constantly eat.

But I learned that I do have control and that I don't have to eat all of the time.

If I change the way that I eat, and what I eat, and how I view food and myself, then I can become healthier.

And that's why I did this whole thing. To learn these things and to prove to myself that I could do it.

So I've been changing how I eat.

For one, I'm only eating things that will actually make me feel good.

That pack of Easy-Mac just isn't gonna cut it.

I don't need that mini-chocolate bar... at least not 5 times a day...

I will only have it if I really want it.

Like, really want it. Not like when I convince myself that I need it or my heart will explode...

I'm also trying to only eat when I'm actually hungry. I realized that I was rarely actually hungry when I was doing my juice fast. I was just craving food... craving the act of eating. And once I pushed that feeling back, I was just fine.

So, I've been eating healthier food, and only eating when I actually get hungry. And stopping when I'm full.

Yesterday I actually left french fries on my plate...

I know... unbelievable, yet it happened.

I don't know... it's really nice to know that I can accomplish anything, no matter how much I had originally doubted myself.

And now that I've learned all of that... maybe I can actually start thinking about what I want to do with my life.

Or maybe I'll just think about that later...

Sara Bareilles |MTV Music