Thursday, July 30, 2009

Best. Night. Ever.

My personal goal for BlogHer 2009 was to meet Jenny the Bloggess and confess my undying love for her.

(I also had work goals... and goals to not panic... all accomplished!)

(But THIS is the important one.)

(And the most entertaining.)

If you don't know who The Bloggess is... you and I really shouldn't be friends. But I'll fill you in...

Jenny is the most HILARIOUS woman out there. Seriously. And, I can now say, one of the sweetest women too.

When I found out that I was going to this conference, I was thrilled for a lot of reasons. Yes, it would be great to be able to go for my job, and yes, it would be great to meet all of these awesome people, and I got to see some old family friends in Chicago.

But, let's face it, the fact that Jenny was there was at the top of my list of "GREATEST THINGS ABOUT GOING TO BLOGHER!!"

So, the first night I went to a party that she would be at. And I knew that she'd be in the bathroom...

(I should probably explain that Jenny has a major panic disorder, so she doesn't like big crowds (I can relate), so she hides out in the bathroom...)

I went to the party, started talking to a girl (also named Ali, and she is awesome), and I soon found out that she actually KNOWS JENNY. Holy shit, y'all... it was fate.

So we decided to hunt her down, and we checked the bathrooms.

And there she was!

In the bathroom! Talking to some people! Looking hot as hell in her confidence wig!

Her sticker has a picture of her and says, "It's only offensive to assholes."

I was so excited. She is a blogging celebrity, and a personal hero of mine, so I was VERY happy to have found her in the 5th floor bathroom outside of ballroom B at the Sheraton in Chicago.

Then... This woman walked in.

Yes, those are empty prescription bottles that she's using as hair rollers. According to her, it's "really fucking hard to get those fucking labels off of these fucking bottles".

And she screamed "WHAT'S UP MY BITCHES?"

And then she offered me her water bottle... which was filled with straight vodka. (I politely declined.) She had the water bottle filled with straight vodka because she "wasn't gonna pay 9 fucking dollars for a fucking drink".

(I have to agree with that.)

THEN, she pulled out her "Judy Garland Trail Mix":

That is totally real, people. There is a warning label saying that there is an alarm on there and if you take anything the bottle will "fuck you up".

THEN she pulled out a file half an inch thick that had all of her prescriptions in it, to show that it was ALL LEGAL...

THEN she made her way over towards Jenny and said "It's my Bloggess!" I have to admit, all of us were a little worried. I mean... Jenny has anxiety and she hangs out in the bathroom so that she can stay away from people who will make her nervous...

But then this woman kissed Jenny on the cheek, and Jenny said, "Have you met my friend, Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal."

Jenny's hat says "Raised by Wolverines". Nancy's says "Jesus Christ".

Now, if you don't read The Bloggess, that means nothing to you. (You should read this to understand the HUGENESS OF THIS SCENARIO!) But if you do follow her, you would have joined me and Ali in our wash of understanding over what had just happened...

"OOOOOOOHHHHH!! That's Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal!"

Nancy sends these OUTRAGEOUS emails to Jenny and Jenny posts (edited versions) of them on her site. They're hilarious, and many people are convinced that Nancy is actually NOT REAL because WHO WOULD BE THAT CRAZY?

Well, I am here as a witness. Nancy IS that CRAZY. But she is also that AWESOME.

(Seriously, Nancy was so freaking sweet, and gave me the biggest hug ever.)

Me and Nancy...

(She also said that I was hot and she would fuck me (her words), which is always nice to hear.)

So, I spent the whole first night with Jenny and Nancy. And it was awesome. Seriously, best night ever.

I love that Jenny included me and let me follow her around... and she called me awesome... which is also always nice to hear.


(To see different sizes of these pictures (you know, so you can inspect exactly which pills are in the "Judy Garland Trail Mix"), go here.)

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