Monday, May 19, 2008

No Boys Needed

I wanted to read outside when I got home from work. I thought to myself:

Wouldn't it be lovely to read out in the backyard? Aha! We have a hammock in the shed! Oh, but Mike is not home, so I have to wait for him to put it together... Wait! No I don't!! I don't need no stinkin' man! I can do it myself! Hoorah!

So I went into the shed and pulled out all of the big metal pipes that hold up the hammock (it's free standing). It made no sense to me.

That was until I turned the base over so that I could actually put it together. Amazing how that works.

I was able to get it together just fine. I mean, I wouldn't put a famous baby in there or anything, but I believe that my engineering integrity will hold up.

Then I had to clean it. So I filled up a tupperwear with hot, soapy water, and brought a towel outside. I had to keep chasing Bonnie and Hannah away from it, because they really wanted to lick the bubbles, but I am a mean mama and said no.

So I started washing down the hammock. I realized that there are red dots splattered all over it. Probably just bug stuff... but then I remembered that one of the Gatti boys cracked his freaking head open on the hammock a couple of years ago.

Hmm... could it possibly be head blood splattered?

So I got some Hydrogen Peroxide and tried to clean it all off. It didn't work, but I figure at least it's all sanitized and stuff.

I don't like saying that my hammock is ugly because of some kid falling off and cracking his skull open... it's not exciting enough. So I've decided on this story instead:

Mike was chilling out when some dude who looked like Nick Cage came over and was like, "Yo, dude, can I have your roommates number?" And Mike was like, "Yo, Nick-Cage-Wannabe, she's my girl, not my roommate." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah", and then Mike karate chopped the other guys nose off with his Costa Rican machete. See, our hammock is all gross because Mike had to defend my honor...

Much cooler story.

WELL, I then had to wash the soap off, so I dragged the hose to the backyard, and sprayed the hammock. Again, I had to keep the dogs from licking all of the new bubbles, and Hannah kept trying to bite the water streaming from the hose... Bonnie was scared of it.

Then I had to find some way to attach the pillow thing to it... so I found an old locker lock and attached the pillow. Now Bonnie and Hannah can't attack it and take it to a land where nobody will ever find it, a fate many of my socks have suffered.

I am quite the genius.

Then I decided to fill up our fountain. At one point, we had some fish in there, but I think (hope) that they moved on to fishy heaven some time ago. Anyway, I put the hose in the fountain to fill it up. I turned around and saw Bonnie trying to catch the water droplets dripping from the hammock. Silly curly haired weirdo.

So I wanted to see if I could get the fountain to work. Well, I found a power thingy (technical term), but the power line was chewed through. So I'm thinking maybe I won't be able to fix it. But that doesn't stop me from thinking that maybe I'm looking at the wrong thingy, so I think of what Mike does. He picks some box thingy (another technical term) out of the fountain and unclogs it. So I thought, I'll just wait for Mike, because I don't want to get my hands gross and I am convinced that there was at one time a snake in there... and Mr. Snake could be back...

But I don't need no stinkin' man. So I stuck my pretty little hand in the yucky fountain and tried to pull seaweed (fountain weed) off of the thingy (and it looked just like a freaking snake, too).

And it...

didn't work. Oh well.