Tuesday, October 7, 2008

To Atone or Not to Atone: Now THERE'S a Mother Effin' Question

Thursday is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

Jews really enjoy celebrating guilt.

That's all I really know about Yom Kippur (I know, I'm a bad Jew)... so see here for more info...

On this most guilty of all holidays (except for Valentine's Day... I often feel guilty on Valentine's Day), Jews are supposed to fast.

Mom: I'm staying home on Thursday because I'm fasting.
Me: Why do we fast?
Mom: To atone for our sins. I have quite a few, but you probably have a grand total of two... so you probably don't need to fast.
Me: Well, I don't know about that... I did accuse a co-worker of poisoning JJ... that's pretty sinful.

OK, maybe I should explain that.

As of yesterday, I launched an investigation against a co-worker who I think is poisoning JJ.

JJ thinks that she is having stomach problems because she is allergic to dairy.

I don't think that it's that simple.

Nope, I think that either she has some rare rain-forest disease that only affects poultry, or she is in the center of a work-related conspiracy.

How did I come to this theory?

Its customer service appreciation week (how about Bonnie and Hannah's mommy appreciation week, huh? That's my next project). Some of the managers were going around the office and passing out treats as part of their appreciation. One of those treats was hot apple cider topped with caramel sauce and whipped cream.

About 10 minutes after we drank it, JJ started to feel sick.

JJ: I think that it's the whipped cream...
Me: Or... Betty (not her real name... I cannot reveal her name until my investigation is complete and cleared through the FBI... but she does look like a Betty...) is poisoning you.
JJ: You think?
Me: Listen to the professional, JJ. Look at the evidence. Who gave you the thing that made you sick? Betty. Let's examine all of the evidence before having you give up ice cream.

And so my investigation began. I told her that she should NOT accept ANYTHING from Betty without someone else testing it first. (I would do that myself, but what would happen if I, too, was poisoned... who would carry out justice?)

And so, if I am wrong about Betty, then I guess accusing someone of poisoning a co-worker under the guise of customer service appreciation week, might be considered a sin.

And so we are back to the question: should I fast?

I've never done it before. I don't really believe that fasting atones for anything... I don't really believe in sins in the first place. I believe in right and wrong. It's wrong to poison someone... but would not eating your morning Eggo make up for that? Probably not.

Mike thinks that I would just fast to loose weight, but I am fully aware that one day of not eating will do absolutely nothing for my bodacious (flabby) body.

No, that's not why I'm considering it.

I could take that day to at least think about things that have happened in the past year that I have done that I would like to stop doing...

But I wouldn't necessarily have to fast to think, though. Actually, fasting would probably hinder my thinking abilities.

Part of me wants to do it because I've never done it before, but I'm not sure if I could do it. I have little to no control when it comes to food... and I am very sensitive to hunger. I get panicky and queasy and shaky...

But I also wonder if I could overcome all of that. If I could have enough self-control to do it.

But there is a VERY good chance that I would commit some sort of crime while hungry... and therefore I would be sinful... and then my atoning would be all screwed up...

Quite a predicament...

And now I'm hungry.