Sq-worm

The other day I spent some time pulling weeds. It had been raining, so it was easy to get the little buggers out of the ground. But with the soft, wet ground, came gross, slimy worms.

I just don't like them. They're all creepy and crawly and they come out of nowhere. Like when I pulled a large clump of dandelions from the ground and a herd? gaggle? pod? family? of worms came pouring out of the dirt. There were billions bunches 5 of them, and I was not pleased.

So I ran to the door and calmly asked Mike how he felt about worms, because I care about his emotions and all. He informed me that he didn't like them, which really fucked up my plan to pretend to care about his emotions when really I just wanted him to come outside and pull the weeds from the worm infested area. So I told him there were millions of worms crawling out of the ground and I needed his help and he asked what I needed help with and I said picking the weeds from the danger zone... and helping to save the worms.

Mike: Wait... save them from what?

Me: The concrete. They're all displaced in the sun and they're all going to burn up and die so get out here and help me save them.

Mike: But you don't like them!

Me: True, but I'M NOT A MONSTER!!! I may not be fond of them but I respect their purpose on this planet, and I don't want to be responsible for a worm massacre. WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

Mike: So let me get this straight: You want me to go outside and re-bury them?

Me: Well, just get them back onto the grass and they can... burrow?

Mike: Yeah, no.

Me: Miiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkeeeeee.

*Mike put his headphones on which I'm pretty sure means he wants to listen to music while talking to me, which is sort of rude but also kind of understandable, so I screamed.*

Me: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE. YOU DON'T WANT THIS ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!!

*Shockingly, that didn't work.*

So I did what needed to be done and got a stick and proceeded to pick up the squiggly bastards with the end of the stick and placed them in some dirt and covered them up so the sun wouldn't dry their slimy little bodies out because I'm a wonderful person.

And I've made my peace with the cluster of weeds sitting in that part of the yard.

It's decorative.

Public Service Announcement

The first (and only) time that I've gotten a cavity I was about nine. And I was ashamed. I thought that I had done something terrible; that I had messed up. I hid in my room and was afraid for my daddy to come home.

(I had issues.)

(I still have issues.)

Of course, my dad didn't care. He told me it was okay and it happens and no worries, we'd get it fixed and be better about taking care of my teeth.

Even though it made my shame dissipate a little, I still hated the feeling like I had screwed up.

Well, I felt that same tooth related shame this week. I decided to make an appointment for the dentist because I hadn't been in a while.

Or, you know, four years.

FOUR GOD DAMN YEARS.

Yeah... my dentist was not pleased. And neither were my gums.

My poor, poor gums.

Which leads me to the main part of this blog post:

YOU NEED TO FLOSS.

Seriously. Floss like a mother fucker.

Thankfully, my problems can all be reversed with floss, regular visits to my dentist (like, you know, NOT every four years), and brushing my teeth for the recommended two minutes.

And now I'm telling you to floss, because otherwise your dental hygienist will scrape your gums with an instrument that looks like it belongs in the arsenal of someone responsible for getting top secret information out of a very stubborn war criminal.

(And today my mouth was the war criminal and my poor gums didn't have any information to tell.)

So there. I've passed along my advice. Because I care.

(I also visited the eye doctor and was told that your actually not supposed to wear your contact lenses for 4 months at a time, because they're kind of supposed to be replaced every two weeks. Apparently that's a bad thing...)

(I think I need some sort of professional care... I obviously can't take care of myself.)

PS: You know who doesn't need to go to the dentist? Bonnie. And you know how she showed me that her teeth are totally strong and healthy? By using those teeth to bite through her gentle leader on her walk today.

I am? Crafty.

Yesterday I was at the drugstore and I saw Advent Calendars.

I was immediately flooded with images of my childhood: anxiously waiting for dinner to end so that my brother and I could open the little cardboard door for that date and find the little, delicious chocolate treat.

Me: AJ!! I found Advent Calendars! Do you remember those? When did Mom and Dad stop giving us those?

AJ: Probably at the appropriate age to stop being so excited about Advent Calendars.

Me: Asshole.

Last night I was so excited to open the little door labeled "1".

I opened it up, removed the little piece of chocolate shaped like a little present, and...

...it tasted like crap.

Seriously... it crumpled in my mouth, tasted like glue, and burned going down my throat.

Stupid childhood memories bought for $1.50.

BUT, instead of being sad and throwing away my dreams about having an advent calendar this year, I got my creativity on.

Ally B Speakin' Presents:

ALLY B'S AWESOME SOLUTION TO HER CRAPPY ADVENT CALENDAR

Step 1: Get crappy advent calendars for 2 for $3.

Mine:

Mike's:

Step 2: Gather your supplies. You'll need some new, edible candy to replace the crappy shit. You'll also need some tape.

All I have on hand are generic semi-sweet chocolate chips... so be it.

Step 3: Remove crappy candy.

Dispose of the crappy candy responsibly, like in your leftover breakfast.

Step 4: Put good candy (or generic semi-sweet chocolate chips) in the empty spaces.

It's important to keep a sense of excitement and surprise, so mix up how many chocolate chips you put in each space.

But make it more that one chocolate chip, because if you open it up and see only one lonely chocolate chip... well, that's a sad day for everyone.

Step 5: Close them back up. It's preferable to use clear tape because duct tape is just stupid looking... and super glue probably isn't the best idea.

There, I just saved your holiday memories.

You're welcome.

The Winner!

I know, I know.

I took a long time to do this, but that's because I needed to get my hands on (my mother's) camera so that I could do a video blog documenting picking the winner of my first blog contest!

Below you'll find four videos of us picking a winner...

That's right.

FOUR.

For some reason, I kept pushing the "stop" button... it was instinct! And, therefore, the videos are all separate.

And some of them are only 11 seconds long...

I don't know why I kept doing that.

And I didn't realize I sounded like that.

And I know that my filming is shaky... so shut up.

(You're probably wondering why I just didn't re-shoot everything... but the process was already IN MOTION... FATE was already working... and I'm not messing with FATE... it wouldn't have been fair to the winner.)

You might as well just watch them...

Blog Contest Part I from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

This is where I realize that I've started a new video...

Blog Contest Part II from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

Classy, huh?

Blog Contest Part III from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

(I just realized that I sort of snapped "Michael grab her"... I'm sorry, Mike... you were a fabulous (and beautiful) assistant... being a director/camera woman is stressful...)

And, finally, a winner is announced!

Blog Post Part IV from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

So congratulations to Mark! I think that Hannah picked it on purpose, because Mark is one of her favorite people... and Bonnie has a major crush on him, so she probably rigged it...

Sorry about that.

You can see Mark's photoblog here.

(OH! Are you in Colorado? Are you getting married? Do you want an amazing photographer? Mark (and his partner in crime, the majestic Scott) are your best bet! Seriously... they're awesome...)

Thanks to all of you for participating. It means so much to me that you took the time to comment, to officially follow, and to just READ what I have to say.

If I could, I would give all of you a gift certificate to Amazon.

(Except not really... If I had that money, I'd put it towards a much needed iPhone...)

(But it's the thought that counts...)

Oh, and Mark, I forgot... there's one little "catch" to this little game...

You have to use the ten bucks to buy me a present...

Or buy me an iPhone...

Did I forget to mention that?

I am Not Above Bribing You

We're going to play a game.

And it is going to be awesome.

(Well... not really, but let's be enthusiastic, yes?)

I have a TEN DOLLAR gift certificate to Amazon.com that I am going to give to one of my readers.

Yes. You read that right.

TEN DOLLARS.

TEN BIG ONES.

TEN. AMERICAN. DOLLARS.

(I know ten dollars isn't a lot, but it's all I have, so shut up and enjoy.)

TEN DOLLARS TO AMAZON.COM!!

Woo-hoo!

So, instead of using this AMAZING gift for myself, I'm giving it to one of you. But you have to work for it.

Each time you do one of the following things you are entered to win the gift card. The more things you do, the better chance you have.

Ready?

First, follow this site (officially). You do this by clicking the "follow" button in that Google box thingy over there →.

(You need a Google, Yahoo, AIM, NetLog, or OpenID username and password to do this. If you don't have any of these accounts, and don't want to sign up for one, then email me at allyb [at] allybspeakin [dot] com and tell me, and we'll figure something out.)

If you're already a follower, you're already entered once. (But you'll totally want to do these other things so that you can have better odds, right? Right.)

Second, leave a comment on this post (read this if you don't know how to do that). The comment can be about anything, but sending me notes about how awesome I am will get you bonus points.

(Not official bonus points... hypothetical bonus points that actually mean nothing.)

Oh, and don't leave an anonymous comment because I won't be able to contact you if you win!

Third, you can follow me on Twitter: @AllyBSpeakin.

(If you're already following me on Twitter, say so in your comment and I'll enter you for that.)

(If you're not on Twitter... tough luck.)

Sound great? Yeah, I know it does.

(Again, I know ten dollars isn't a lot, but it's all I have to bribe you all to actually follow/comment/tweet me.)

SO, if you follow me here and then leave a comment and then follow me on Twitter you will be entered THREE times to win!

This contest ends on Friday, May 29th, at noon (Mountain Time, because I'm in charge).

So go forth and show this blog some love.

Don't Say I Never Gave you Anything...

I read all sorts of blogs and a lot of them have special offers or free things to give away.

They are way cooler and nicer than me.

But then I got an email from the wonderful people at Care.Com.

The email said that they had a very special offer coming up this weekend and wanted me (and you all) to be a part of it.

(Why? Because you are all AWESOME... or something like that...)

Care.Com is a site that lists caregivers by zip code for their members to look up and use. There are babysitters, tutors, housekeepers, and even care for your elders.

So I looked at the site and was all "I don't have human children... And when I do have kids I'm going to hire me a very attractive male nanny to live with us. So why would I need a babysitter?"

(Don't worry, Mike. The attractive male nanny will be gay...)

But then they pointed out that they have a whole section for pet sitters, and they actually saw my blog and are therefore aware that I have two dogs...

(Which made me feel special... and a little silly for telling everyone about my future hot gay manny.)

Well, I usually just ask a friend or family member to stay with Bonnie and Hannah if we're out of town.

But sometimes our usual sitters are busy.

Or are also out of town.

Or are going out of town WITH us.

Or just had double-knee replacement surgery.

(Can you say "selfish"?)

So I could see how using this site would be extremely helpful.

Plus, it's super easy.

You just join the site and then enter your zip code.

Then, pages of caregiver profiles come up on the screen. These profiles include a picture, a biography, past experience, education levels, any qualifications or hobbies that would apply to watching your pet, and some even have references.

You can also request a (FREE) background check.

(Which is just fun to do... it makes me feel powerful... like the President... or the President's secretary, because I doubt that the President has to request his own background checks... I assume that they do that before the President enters the equation... at least I would HOPE so, because really, the President has more important things to do than to request his dog walker's background check...)

The profile also includes the days that they are available and what they are willing to do (take your dog for walks, administer medication, or even spend the night).

So, if I can't convince someone to stay with the dogs during our next trip, I will totally be using this site.

And guess what? If you visit Care.Com from midnight (PST) on Friday, April 24th to 11:59 PM on Sunday the 26th you can have FREE premium access to the site and you can see what I've been talking about.

So, if you think that this site might be useful for you and your pets (or your human children), you might as well go check it out.

And don't ever say that I never did anything for you...