Friday, February 20, 2009

I May Be Single After This...

*UPDATE!* This post was accepted at! You can see it on that site here! My quest for world domination is well on its way...

Dear Mike,

It’s been awhile, huh?

(OK, you only left for work about 3 hours ago… but I wanted to start this letter like that because I felt it was all literary and shit so shut up.)

So, I was loading the dishwasher and thinking to myself about how you are so going to yell at me because I’m just shoving dishes in there and you think that there is a “right” way to load the dishes and according to you I only do it the “wrong” way.


(OK, that’s not completely true. I’m now picturing all of these ways that would obviously be the WRONG way to load the dishwasher. Like if I put the dishes in there face-down instead of in the little plate slots… or if I decided to put all of the dishes in with my feet… both are excellent examples of the WRONG way.)

(But I don’t do either… though I’m now looking forward to trying…)

There may be a more effective way to load it… but the way I’m doing it isn’t hurting anybody, so you shouldn’t yell at me about it.

Now, I’m not going to be one of those women who say, “Just realize that I’m always right, honey, and your life will be a lot easier.”

Because, honestly, there will probably be PLENTY of times where I actually DO do something wrong.

Like, if I accidentally put our baby’s diaper on his head instead of his butt… feel free to tell me that I am doing it wrong.

(If it’s NOT an accident, though, I expect you to laugh your ass off at my hilarious joke because I’ll probably be all crazy hormonal and will KILL you if you don’t.)

(Fair warning.)

And if I get so damn lazy that I start walking around with the baby like this:

fail owned pwned pictures

...THEN you may rip me a new one.

Or, if I get the brilliant idea to clean the bathroom by flooding it with soapy water and then siphoning it out through some elaborate system I will invent in the future… you might have the right to slap me around verbally.

(Unless it works, in which case you will BOW DOWN TO ME as I will most certainly be the winner of some amazing invention or peace award and therefore your Sugar Momma...)

So, I guess I’m trying to tell you that there will be PLENTY if opportunities to yell at me… so maybe you should consider choosing your battles a tad more carefully.

We’re in it for the long haul… and someday you’ll look back and realize that the whole dishwasher thing was JUST THE BEGINNING.

Can't wait...


Ally B

PS: I may or may not have tried to get Hannah to carry some plates and silverware in her mouth so I wouldn’t have to carry them, which probably qualifies as the WRONG way to load a dishwasher. You may yell at me for that.

PPS: Can you please pick up some new dishes on the way home? She failed and broke them all when she rounded the corner… bad Hannah.

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