There's a Lack of Duct Tape in the House

When Mike and I moved in together we became the proud parents of two adorable puppies.

They were friends from the beginning!

Was taking care of two brand new puppies difficult? Sometimes.

(Especially the potty training times.)

But would we go back and change it? Hell no.

With the two puppies came a new place and some new furniture... including my parent's old leather couch.

There was a tiny rip in one of the cushions (the product of other puppies from our family's past), but otherwise it was perfect.

And, apparently, perfectly delicious.

(For a more detailed description of the destruction of said couch, please read my first ever post on this here blog.)

We did our best to make the couch as disgusting as possible, but those puppies are persistent (and they eat dead animal and poop... so "disgusting" is a relative term), so our couch eventually turned into this:

We are classy...

On Saturday, it went to the dump. And even though I love our new couch... it was hard to say "so long" to our duct tape couch.

Sure, there were pieces of fluff and foam flowing freely from the cushions.

Yes, we have black sticky marks all over our clothes from sitting down to watch TV.

And yeah, one of the cushions (aka: the center one in the above picture) was so badly torn apart that it no longer actually fit into the couch, so it would slowly slope off of the frame to the floor about 13 times a day...

But it was OUR couch.

Our FIRST couch.

It was destroyed by OUR FIRST puppies...

So it was a little sad to see it loaded into a truck and taken to the dump.

(I tried to help get it into the truck, but ended up rolling a section of it into the tree in our front yard... so I was asked to just go inside... it's the effort that counts...)

(I feel the need to point out that Mike wanted to chop the couch up with a machete and then put a little bit of the debris into the trashcan every week until it was all gone... When I asked him where we would keep the couch during this whole process he said "the living room... duh" to which I said "not gonna happen... duh." I know relationships are about compromise... but no.)

Goodbye to our duct tape couch... you were a good couch for us... and we hope you realize that you are more at home in the dump than you were in our living room...

I had to get one last snuggle in before it left...

Fit or Fail: Non-Denominational Edition

I posted a status update on Facebook about me having to stay away from Cadbury Creme Eggs (because me being around those little ovals of amazingness could only result in a FAIL), and someone reminded me that it's still Passover, and I had to remind him that I'm pretty sure Cadbury Creme Eggs are non-denominational...

ANYWAY... Fit or Fail?

No huge FAILs this week (I could have drank more water and eaten less food on some days... but nothing too exciting or horrible...)

But I did do a couple of FIT things (on top of my regular workout schedule).

FIT: I walked to campus (almost) everyday for the Conference on World Affairs.

It brought back so many memories... me as a student... waking up early... to take the bus up to campus... because walking there SUCKS.

It's all up-hill.

And up-hill + 5400 feet above sea level + my very serious tiny-lung syndrome = lots of sweat and wheezing... but I did it!

FIT: I rode my bike up to campus! Actually, that's not really true. I tried to ride my bike up to campus but the tires were flat... so I had to walk my bike up to campus (still FIT).

I still wore my helmet though (safety first!) because me around bikes pretty much means danger.

(I would actually prefer to wear a helmet for most activities... but the people at the gym said I was "making a scene" when I insisted on wearing my helmet on the stationary bike... and the elliptical... and the "vagina destroyer"...)

Anyway, it's a FIT because I could have just driven it up there, but I didn't!

FIT: We moved all of our living room furniture. And even though Mike supported more of the weight on the big items, I still get a FIT for participating.

(By the way, when you say "lift with your legs", I have no clue what you're saying to me. I mean, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure my ARMS are lifting the television... NOT my legs. I would guess that lying on the ground to use my legs to lift the couch would be a bad idea... This is probably why I was told to carry the couch cushions instead of the actual couch...)

Otherwise, I just continued to eat as well as possible and work out a few days a week. Overall it was a FIT week...

(In fact, there are VERY few red FAILs here... it's a little bland... where are my damn Cadbury Creme Eggs?)

Noted

Note to self:

When the laundry begins to actually jump out of the hamper (I'm finding clothes on the other side of the room... and the dogs SWEAR it wasn't them...) it just might be time to suck it up and do the laundry.

Otherwise you'll end up having to consider re-wearing dirty socks, and then the gravity of the situation will sink in.

Note to self:

The same goes for the dirty dishes in the sink... without the dirty socks revelation.

Note to self:

Hannah is TERRIFIED of toddlers on Big Wheel bikes.

If she sees one she will not walk within ten feet of it, she will attempt to walk between your legs (causing you to almost fall on said toddler and Big Wheel), and then she will continue to throw horrified puppy glances over her shoulder for at least two blocks, lest the evil creature sneaks up on her...

So, add "Toddlers on Big Wheels" to your Excel spreadsheet on all of the things your Golden Retriever is scared of... right after the noise the iron makes when it releases steam.

And, if at all possible, avoid such encounters in the future.

Note to self:

Cleaning in the spring is a complete WASTE OF TIME.

You will work very hard to sweep and vacuum and dust and as soon as you finish and are just starting to feel pretty proud of yourself a crazy Aussie Shepard named Bonnie will come inside and there will be mud EVERYWHERE.

(Seriously, people... I'm going to have to start charging guests for spa treatments when they come and sit on the couch...)

Note to self:

Don't wear cute clothes around the house for the same reason (this sort of explains the laundry situation...)

Trust me... you'll put on a really cute outfit and be all excited to go to your boyfriend's birthday party and then that same Aussie Shepard named Bonnie will come inside and decide that she must remind you just how adorable she is by SITTING ON YOUR CHEST.

And when you feel that slimy mud covering her paws and you scream for her to GET OFF she will think that your screaming is a demonstration of JOY and she will get excited and start trying to lick your ears.

And then you will also have to redo your makeup because you have a muddy nose print smudged under your right eye...

Note to self:

STOP leaving the house in your workout clothes with no makeup and dirty hair.

Before you know it you'll be standing in front of 100 people saying "Oh shit" and you'll suddenly say to yourself: "DAMMIT... I don't even have mascara on... and is that a muddy paw print on my yoga pants?"

Note to self:

Cherish the things that make you laugh and smile...

My thoughts are with some fellow bloggers, Heather and Mike, who lost their beautiful little girl, Maddie, yesterday.

Coming Out

This week is the awesome Conference on World Affairs at CU Boulder.

It's pretty much just a gathering of hundreds of experts in all sorts of subjects from all over the world who sit on panels about all sorts of topics.

(It also draws an amazing amount of senior citizens... who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to yell about those "damn skateboarding college punks"... which just isn't safe... seriously, I almost walked into about a dozen of them... and these people are not very stable... they would go down like a bag of... old person... anyway...)

It's free and open to the public (enter dangerous senior citizens...), and because nobody wants to hire me I'm taking some time off, I finally have the time to go to some of the panels.

I've been to panels about literature, journalism, and writing.

Some were good, others were so-so.

(Meaning some kept my attention for over an hour... and I politely ducked out of others.)

But today I went to a WONDERFUL panel called "Geek Culture: Sci-Fi, Superhero Movies and Comic Books". The panel included Jim Emerson, Robert George, and Andy Ihnatko.

(Self-admitted SUPER-GEEKS from the film, journalism, and technology worlds.)

I went on a whim because I heard Andy speak in an earlier panel and really enjoyed what he had to say...

(Aka: he made me laugh.)

I also went because I was curious.

I've previously written about how I love superhero movies and how I encountered an identity crises after reading and loving The Watchmen.

So the title spoke to my inner-geek.

Well... I loved it. The panel was engaging, fun, and informative. I found it pretty crazy just HOW much I enjoyed it. I started to ask myself just how much of Ally B is considered to be "geek".

So I got up (in front of about 100 people) and asked the following question:

"I read The Watchmen and I loved it. But I sort of had an identity crises. I was like, 'Oh shit! Does this mean I'm a geek?' So, what defines someone as a geek? And is that definition expanding with technology and the internet because I get called a 'geek' for blogging and twittering... do you have to reach some level before your admitted to 'The Club'?"

During my question Robert George said that he loved "geek coming out stories" and Andy Ihnatko started a round of applause to "welcome me to the club".

(I felt like a superstar...)

Andy then said that being a "geek" is about being passionate about something - anything - and NOT CARING if people think your odd or "geeky" for that passion.

He then said, "You're in, babe."

(SUPERSTAR!!)

So I started thinking that maybe I truly am a "geek".

I love superhero movies and the graphic novels I've read have been extremely entertaining...

I get giddy talking about social media (Twitter, Facebook)...

I'm in love with a literary vampire...

I am a participant/host of a weekly screening of LOST...

I created my own superhero with a super STICK as my super weapon... (although that's not geeky... it's just logical...)

AND... I ran home to blog about this...

Yeah... I think I'm a geek.

So... I'm out of the closet. I'm free! I am a geek...

And I'm honored.

PS: When I got home I found that someone had Twittered this: "Girl read watchmen and liked it, and thought, oh shit now I'm a geek." Awesome...

PPS: Dad - When I mentioned the senior citizens I was NOT talking about you... you're not dangerous... you're cool...

Fit or Fail: World of Pain Edition

A very brief assessment of how I did on this past week's goals:

Eat healthier

• FIT: for the most part, I was very good! I ate NO Thin Mints!!

Work out four times

• FIT

Increase the weight of my strength training

• I tried to do at least one rep at a higher weight than I normally do... so FIT.

Interval train for my cardio

• This referred to the times that I went on the elliptical. I did interval training the first to times, but not today... you will soon learn why that was IMPOSSIBLE... so I'm calling this a FIT because I would have interval trained today if MY LEGS WORKED... again, more on that soon.

Eat on a more regular basis (aka, avoid that fainting feeling if at all possible)

• I'm still working on this one... I'm still learning the most appropriate way to spread my food out throughout the day... so it's a work in progress... but also a FAIL.

Move on my non-workout days (even if it's inside)

• I missed Wednesday. We were in the hospital all day, but it still makes it a FAIL. But the rest of the days I did very well, so I'm not beating myself up over it.

Convince Mike that me shoveling the snow really doesn't help ANYONE and that the job should either be his or outsourced to a teenager...

• The conversation hasn't come up... yet. Maybe I'll make a video about it...

Also, I get a FIT because I didn't make a whole birthday cake for Mike, and therefore didn't eat a whole birthday cake... we did have a treat (three cheers for donuts!), but I factored it into my daily calorie budget, so I'm not counting it as a fail...

NOW… the reason that was so brief is because I have something else VERY important to write about.

I am here to tell all of you to STAY AWAY from this machine:


Or it's cousin:
These are the hip abductor and adductor machines.

They should be torn apart and burned.

They should have a warning on them with a big picture of a crying vagina on them.

That's right... I said it.

In fact, I am now naming these machines the "VAGINA DESTROYERS"... complete with capital letters and angry red font.

(I know I could just say that these machines are responsible for intense groin pain... but I'm taking it to the next level because that's how I roll…)

So I used these horrible torture devices a couple of days ago and now I can't walk without looking like a duck... who was shot in the groin.

Seriously. This machine is pure evil.

It was probably invented by Lord Voldemort.

Or the Volturi.

Or republicans.

If I ever return to these damn machines (I'll have to gain function back in my lower extremities first...) I'll have to perform some sort of ritual with a burning sage stick, big drum, and possibly a medicine man, all in an effort to ward off all of the bad, vagina-hating spirits that obviously haunt them.

So, consider this my Public (Pubic?) Service Announcement...

(Goals for this week are to continue along the same path as last week. It seems to be working.)

(But with less duck walking... hopefully...)

(AND I should mention that I get a HUGE FIT for going and working out today, even though I could barely make it onto the elliptical machine...)

(I'm kind of amazing...)

Happy Birthday, Mike! (My Directing Debut)

Dear Mike!

Happy 24th Birthday!

I was going to write you another letter... but everything I write is really bland and boring. And it really can't compare to the eloquence of Scott's post about your birthday...

So, to make it less bland and boring, I made a video of you and me talking about your birthday!

PS: You can't understand it that well... just pretend we're drunk... but trust me... it's awesome.

PPS: That's a lie. It's actually REALLY lame... And not funny at all... and kinda creepy... but I can't think of anything else to do...

PPPS: Happy birthday. I love you.



PPPPS: Apparently April fourth is a very popular baby birthing day. Happy birthday, Mark! And Robert Downy, Jr!

PPPPPS: You can make your own text-to-movie video here. But why you would try to top my AMAZING job at video making is BEYOND me...

PPPPPPS: Thanks to The Bloggess for the link... her video is hilarious (of course)...

In the Waiting Room...

Mike's dad is getting his knees replaced right now, so we're all at the hospital in Denver waiting.

I had this whole plan to ask him these life altering questions before he went into surgery, you know, to make him think about what's really important in his life, but it took TWO HOURS to get here.

(We didn't get lost... we just weren't going to right way...)

(I kept having to call my dad to ask him to be my IPhone and tell me where I was.)

(I want an IPhone.)

ANYWAY... I was not able to practice my amazing interview skillz, so I will ask Mike the questions that I wrote down, instead.

Question: Would you prefer to be a zombie or a werewolf?
Mike: A vampire because then you'd actually pay attention to me.

Question: What flavor of Jell-O would you be?
Mike: Lemon-Lime because I'm a little sour and a little sweet... even though those are both sour.

Question: A train is traveling at 60 miles per hour going west and another train is going 67 miles per hour east... what do you order for dinner?
Mike: Insufficient information is provided.
Me: Sorry, we were looking for Chicken Cordon Bleu as your answer. You fail.

Yeah... so it's a real shame that I wasn't able to ask his dad... maybe I'll ask him later... while he's on drugs.

In other news... I really don't like hospitals. They smell weird. And feel weird. And you have to be quiet. And they're boring.

Like, I really want to go find the "On-Call Room" because I watch Grey's Anatomy and Scrubs so I know that all of the hot doctors "play doctor" with each other in there... but every time I try to sneak around and find said room the old ladies who volunteer at the information desk give me dirty looks.

So I tried to army crawl past them and was hit by a wheel chair and the old ladies were like "what are you doing, young lady?" and I was like "looking for the hot doctors who are gettin' it on" and they said "where are your parents, young lady" and I was like "you sickos, I'm not going to see hot doctor sex with my PARENTS!"

Some people are SO rude...

So they asked me to leave and so I'm wandering around listening at all of the doors that look particularly romantic...

The doctor just came out and said that Mike's dad is doing great and has two new knees...

I wanted to ask him if he is now considered a cyborg or robot... but I'm already on thin ice with these people.

But I'm going to assume that yes, he is a robot now...

(Did I mention hospitals bore me?)