Regression

I just finished The Watchmen.

That's right. I read a comic book.

Sorry... it's called a "graphic novel"...

(Don’t want any hate mail from men who live in their mother’s basements.)

(OK… bring the hate mail on…)

(Though who are we kidding? It's a comic book.)

And you know what?

It was AMAZING.

See, I’m a fan of superhero movies.

Batman? Too cool.

The X-Men movies? 100% bad-ass.

And you can bet that I’ll be there the day Wolverine opens.

So, I was very excited to see the previews for The Watchmen:



Now, even though I love the movies, I’ve never read the comic books slash graphic novels slash I don't care what you call them.

But The Watchmen intrigued me because it is on Time Magazine's 100 Best English-Language Novels from 1923 to the Present.

(That's kind of a long title for a list.)

(I would change it to: Read This Because We’re Time Mother-Fucking Magazine and We Said So…)

(Which I see is a tad longer than the original.)

(But I find my title way more evocative.)

(Note that Harry Potter didn't make it on the list... bad Time Magazine...)

So I decided to read it.

And I LOVED it. Seriously… it was like totally AWESOME-O.

And I can’t wait to see the movie.

But reading a "graphic novel" makes you evaluate yourself.

I mean, I was reading a book that has an audience of mostly twelve-year-old boys.

So I have decided that since I enjoyed it so much I must actually be a twelve-year-old boy.

And therefore, I should embrace this and accept myself as the pre-pubescent teenage male that I obviously am.

So I’ve decided to do other “twelve-year-old-esque” things…

I’ve started hiding dirty magazines under my mattress.

I put up a picture of Ashley Tisdale on the ceiling above my bed, because she is, like, as hot as Superman's laser vision.

SHIIIIIIIIIIT, she is HOTTTTT...

And I hate my parents because they JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!!

And I only eat Hot Pockets because, um, it is like, uh, a meal in a pocket.

And when The Watchmen comes out I’m going to tell my folks that I’m going to Jimmy’s house, and Jimmy is going to tell his parents that he’s going to my house, and then we’re going to go to the movie theater on our bikes and we’ll buy tickets for Hotel for Dogs because we’re not old enough to buy tickets for The Watchmen but then we’ll sneak into The Watchmen and if they try and ask us where our tickets are we’ll say that we lost them and if they ask for our IDs we’ll go all ninja on their asses.

It’ll be SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.

OK.

Later, yo.

I May Be Single After This...

*UPDATE!* This post was accepted at DivineCaroline.com! You can see it on that site here! My quest for world domination is well on its way...

Dear Mike,

It’s been awhile, huh?

(OK, you only left for work about 3 hours ago… but I wanted to start this letter like that because I felt it was all literary and shit so shut up.)

So, I was loading the dishwasher and thinking to myself about how you are so going to yell at me because I’m just shoving dishes in there and you think that there is a “right” way to load the dishes and according to you I only do it the “wrong” way.

But, you know what? There is NO RIGHT WAY TO LOAD THE DISHES INTO THE GOD DAMN DISHWASHER.

(OK, that’s not completely true. I’m now picturing all of these ways that would obviously be the WRONG way to load the dishwasher. Like if I put the dishes in there face-down instead of in the little plate slots… or if I decided to put all of the dishes in with my feet… both are excellent examples of the WRONG way.)

(But I don’t do either… though I’m now looking forward to trying…)

There may be a more effective way to load it… but the way I’m doing it isn’t hurting anybody, so you shouldn’t yell at me about it.

Now, I’m not going to be one of those women who say, “Just realize that I’m always right, honey, and your life will be a lot easier.”

Because, honestly, there will probably be PLENTY of times where I actually DO do something wrong.

Like, if I accidentally put our baby’s diaper on his head instead of his butt… feel free to tell me that I am doing it wrong.

(If it’s NOT an accident, though, I expect you to laugh your ass off at my hilarious joke because I’ll probably be all crazy hormonal and will KILL you if you don’t.)

(Fair warning.)

And if I get so damn lazy that I start walking around with the baby like this:

(From FailBlog.org)

...THEN you may rip me a new one.

Or, if I get the brilliant idea to clean the bathroom by flooding it with soapy water and then siphoning it out through some elaborate system I will invent in the future… you might have the right to slap me around verbally.

(Unless it works, in which case you will BOW DOWN TO ME as I will most certainly be the winner of some amazing invention or peace award and therefore your Sugar Momma...)

So, I guess I’m trying to tell you that there will be PLENTY if opportunities to yell at me… so maybe you should consider choosing your battles a tad more carefully.

We’re in it for the long haul… and someday you’ll look back and realize that the whole dishwasher thing was JUST THE BEGINNING.

Can't wait...

Love,

Ally B

PS: I may or may not have tried to get Hannah to carry some plates and silverware in her mouth so I wouldn’t have to carry them, which probably qualifies as the WRONG way to load a dishwasher. You may yell at me for that.

PPS: Can you please pick up some new dishes on the way home? She failed and broke them all when she rounded the corner… bad Hannah.

Dirty Mouth?

I know I complain about the wind a lot...

But COME ON?!?!

The wind today is out of control.

Like... it's just not safe.

Street lights are down, and although one would think that it would be clear that one must adopt the whole 4-way stop system in such a situation, many people adopt the whole "let's just gun it through the light as fast as possible at any moment that we choose" system.

And I don't appreciate that after walking through a parking lot to my car I realize that I am chewing ON DIRT because the wind blew DIRT PARTICLES into my mouth and now when I clamp my jaw down I hear gravel crunching.

And when I walk in the door the wind is so strong that SOMEHOW the trapdoor to the attic BLOWS OPEN.

Not cool...

Bad, Colorado wind... bad.

In fact? Bite me... or should I say, blow me?

(Hehehe.)

PS: I just realized that President "Kick-Ass" Obama is in Denver today signing the Stimulus Bill... I hope the Secret Service totally has some sort of "Save the President for Deadly Winds" plan.

PPS: Shit! Something just slammed into the side of the house, causing me to run around screaming "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Save the President!"

PPPS: It was a patio chair, so we had to take all of the cushions off so we could stack the chairs and the cushions were dripping water all over the place but I thought it was Hannah peeing so I started yelling "Hannah is peeing!", but then Mike pointed out that it's the cushions so I screamed "Hannah didn't pee! Hannah didn't pee! Save the President!".

PPPPS: I just added the tag "In Need of Professional Help" to this post.

PPPPPS: I have more dirt in my mouth after the whole chair slash cushion slash Is Hannah Peeing? fiasco.

A Well Balanced Meal

This morning I didn't want to move... at all.

I wanted to curl up in bed, close my eyes, and just sleep.

Just for a little longer.

But then Mike started yelling about how he left a whole bunch of hot sauce packets from Taco Bell on the table and now only a few are left and who did I think had taken them?

(Hannah.)

(And I would like to point out that it is a testament to my patience (slash sleepiness) that I didn't point out that it was pretty dumb to leave hot sauce packets on the coffee table... just saying...)

And then Mike came in and was talking about what internet server company he should use and how much it will cost and asking me for advice on something that I have no idea about.

(Seriously, he knows that I'm really only good for Friends trivia and snarky comments about... well, anything.)

(I think he really just needed someone to talk to... and I have to say it's nice to still be that person... even if I have to talk about the pros and cons of different internet servers...)

So, needless to say, I decided that more sleep just wasn't going to happen.

(Though I did manage to play a full game of Tetris on my phone before tearing myself out of the bed... so some laziness accomplished.)

Anyway, when I get up, I always have a tough time with breakfast food.

When I was younger, I HATED breakfast.

(It may or may not have had something to do with the fact that I was always SO nervous about going to school that I was nauseous every morning and the idea of any food made it worse... or I was just picky...)

But as I've matured (slash became less neurotic... kinda) I've discovered that breakfast food is awesome.

And anything with hollandaise sauce is Brad's gift to humanity.

But I don't have a stash of hollandaise sauce around the house. And anyway, it doesn't really go well with oatmeal or Cheerios... so I prefer eating breakfast out.

But I can't do that everyday (sad).

So... it takes awhile for me to figure out if anything is appetizing in the morning here at home.

So I spend the first hour or so of my day catching up on my favorite blogs and twitters and such.

This morning Mike was testing his new email addresses through his new server (which one did he decide on? no idea), and he asked me to send him some test emails.

Test email one:

You make me smile... I want to eat the rest of my box of Valentine's Day chocolates for breakfast.

(Don't judge me... if it was in a muffin or pancakes or a croissant, nobody would mind if I were eating chocolate for breakfast. And without the carbs, I'm really being MORE health conscious.)

Mike's response (verbally... we're not total dorks that we sit right next to each other emailing one another... though Mike has discovered that you can send text messages from Gmail... so that's been interesting...):

Although you are very cute... no, you cannot have the rest of your Valentine's candy for breakfast.

Test email two:

Seriously? Can I at least have the chocolate rose?

Mike's response:

Ugh... yes. Eat the flower, you weirdo...

Test email three:

Thank you for my flower. It is delicious and lovely and makes me happy.

(It really was good... it was one of those fake roses that is a hollow piece of milk chocolate... hells yes.)

Mike's response:

You're welcome... now let me have a piece.

So, all in all, I found an excellent breakfast... and now I must go work out...

...............

PS: I sent one more test email:

Final test email:

Dear Daddy,

Can we go for a w-a-l-k with you today? We love you.

Sincerely,

McWiggles (Bonnie) and McWrinkles (Hannah)

It worked, too, because he took the dogs to Grandma and Grandpa's and I'm now able to do the Wii Fit without the two of them jumping on me and trying to steal the Wii Remote while I'm doing the Tree Pose.

(Ooh... click on that link to the Yoga website... the cartoon really creeps me out. Not sure why, but he does.)

(Notice how I'm NOT on the Wii Fit, and am instead writing (rambling) about chocolate for breakfast in an effort to brag about how cute Mike and I are..?)

(Procrastination: it's an art.)

You're in my Domain, Now...

Hello all!

Exciting news! I (finally) got my own domain set up, so I now own and operate www.allybspeakin.com.

(So pretty!)

So, please help a sister out and change all of your bookmarks and such to this address.

If you type in my former web address (allybspeakin.blogspot.com), though, it will redirect you to this new address automatically... because the internets are pretty smart...

But isn't it way cooler to change your bookmarks to this new, awesome, one?

The Fast Track to Thin

*Somehow this ended up on MommyBlips.com. I don't know why, or how, but I'm very happy to be there!*

I feel that it is my responsibility and duty to offer insight and tips to the world... well, at the very least to all of you, my avid readers. And so, I have decided to share my advice on a subject that I feel very strongly about.

I, like many other women in the world (and some men, I would guess), am always looking for a super quick way to drop some pounds.

Sure, I know the equation: move more + eat less = lose weight... but I want results NOW.

(Plus I am the laziest person on the planet and I LOVE to eat... which really makes the above equation... well... useless to me.)

Also, I would prefer to do without ordering frozen meals from those companies on television... I don't care how good that fettuccine is, or that you can have chocolate every day, and I really don't care how much weight Marie Osmond lost. Plus, if I'm paying for something to be delivered to my door, it'll be a pretty new purse, not frozen dinners, thankyouverymuch.

So, to ponder my desire to be thin, I headed over to my favorite Chinese restaurant because sometimes you just need some fried rice.

(I know going to a restaurant to eat fried rice is kind of counter-intuitive if you want to ponder weight loss... but just go with me.)

(And I had already gone to the gym that day!)

(Plus, they have awesome Soy Beef with Broccoli.)

(That's right. SOY beef... holla to the vegetarians!)

So I'm sitting there, enjoying my meal and reading Confessions of a Shopaholic, when I realize that I'm actually getting quite full.

And I've been sitting there for about ten minutes and all of my food is NOT already gone. In fact... I have more than half of my rice still on the plate!

(I should probably point out that I tend to finish meals in about five or so minutes... did I mention that I like food?)

Anyway, I'm wondering why this is happening... and then it hits me: I'm using chopsticks.

And I suck at using chopsticks.

And I've read that it takes your brain a few minutes to actually register that it's full, so if you slow down you're supposed to eat less...

And the chopsticks are definitely making me slow down... and therefore my brain is actually registering that I'm full!

And it ended up taking so long to eat that I had to pack it up to take home!

(Though that was only half because I was full... it's also super boring eating by yourself, even with a good book, so I wanted to leave. But the point is still the same: it took a long time to eat.)

And so, my valuable advice to all who want to drop some weight?

Eat with chopsticks! And not just your Chinese food or your sushi... EVERYTHING!

Pizza would be harder to eat if you had to use chopsticks, thus making you eat less... or at least making you take more time to eat, and therefore allowing your noggin to register that you're satisfied.

Ice Cream would be tough, too.

And Oreos! Think about trying to pull the cookies apart to lick the cream out with two sticks!

Ah well... just an idea.

Someone tell me if it works... I really don't have the patience to try it myself.

Oh, and if you grew up using chopsticks or you're really good at it... then this might not work as well for you as it is for someone like me, who is chopstick challenged. Maybe try eating with some limp spaghetti noodles for the same benefits.

Also, I feel that I should share with all of you that I just found out that I graduated 5th in my major's class. Sure, it's out of only 28 kids... in the easiest major... but it probably explains why I have such fabulous and smart ideas like this.

For the Love of Jen

I made it through BlissDom '09!

For those of you who don't know, BlissDom was a conference for women who blog and was held in Nashville, TN.

(This means about 300 women (mostly Mommy Bloggers) descended on one tiny hotel in Nashville... and half of them were either preggers or holding a new baby... so hormones were a-flyin.)

(I felt left out and wanted to carry Desmond George McFishy around with me, but the hotel did not have a stroller for him... which is just sad...)

To read all about my adventures there, please click here.

The experience taught me a lot about blogging and increasing readership, but it taught me more about myself.

Like how I CAN go somewhere all by myself. (Even if I do call my boyfriend seventy-billion times... sometimes sobbing... oh well...)

Like how I CAN face my fears over meeting people. (Especially with the help of pharmaceuticals! Woohoo!)

Like how I CAN do something that terrifies me. (Again... thank you drugs!)

(See... don't you want to know what I'm talking about? Then you should have clicked there.)

But, most of all...

It taught me that Jen Lancaster kicks even more ass than I originally thought.

Jen Lancaster is one of my favorite authors.

Why?

Because she's hilarious and she isn't afraid to tell it like it is... and she drops the f-bomb a lot, (which I'll admit pretty much guarantees her a little piece of my heart).

She started as a blogger (which she continues today), and then turned her story into three memoirs (her fourth is released this spring).

So I love her even more because she has done what I can only hope to do at some point in my life.

Jen was on a panel at the conference about how to get a book deal, and she gave a fabulous keynote speech.


What I loved most was how gracious and patient she was. She stopped to talk to every single person who wanted an autograph, picture, or to just say hi. And she didn't just shake your hand and walk off, she was very engaging and willing to talk.

It was very exciting to see how down-to-earth she is...

And it makes me feel a little silly for spending so much time at the conference stalking her.

It wasn't scary stalking or anything... it was more me trying to work up the balls to actually go and talk to her.

And involved taking secret pictures of her...


(That's her on the right... upper-right... the one with only her nose and hair showing... I never said they were GOOD stalker photos. I was afraid that if I actually pointed the camera at her she'd see me and then I'd... throw my drink at her and run away...)

(It's always a possibility...)

ANYWAY... I love her... a lot.

And you will too.

So order her books now.

I'll even make it easy for you:

(Her titles are amazing, so I've included them as further enticement for you to get the books...)

Bitter is the New Black : Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office



Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?


Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer



Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomanical, Self-Centered Smart Ass Phase (out this Spring)



Seriously. Go. Order them. And laugh your ass off. Because couldn't we all use a laugh once in awhile?

(I mean... other than from this blog...)

(Oh, and I'm not the official president of Jen Lancaster's fan club or anything (though that would be AWESOME...), but I really enjoy her writing and want to spread the love. Plus, I think that it's important to support bloggers-turned-authors, even if they are already famous.)