Friday, May 1, 2009

Paranoia in Run-On Sentences

You know when your significant other is out working late and then hanging out with his friends even later and your at home because you have to get up really early and your watching TV and then you fall asleep on the couch and then you hear your dog pacing back and forth and back and forth because you've taken up the whole couch and she/he just can't seem to realize that sometimes dogs have to sleep on the floor?

Then you think that maybe she/he has to pee and you're afraid that she/he will pee in the house because she/he has an over-active bladder problem so you drag yourself off of the couch and take her/him outside and you tell her/him to "go pee" and so she/he sits down and... spends about 45 seconds scratching her/his ear.

So you wait because you really don't want her/him to pee inside and you're freezing so you sort of scream at her/him to "GO PEE" and so she/he brings you a tennis ball and then sits down and... scratches the other ear for 35 seconds.

So you say "fuck it" and go inside and decide you might as well just go to bed so you turn off all of the lights and climb into bed and the dogs fall asleep immediately on their dog beds and you close your eyes and are ready to go to sleep because you have to get up in 5 hours.

And then you hear all of these weird noises.



Bizarre scratching noises.

So you open your eyes and listen really carefully and the dogs don't move so you assume that it must be nothing.

Then you keep hearing weird noises and even though you tell yourself that it's nothing you're actually thinking that there is a zombie burglar outside and you get a little nervous but you keep saying that if the dogs aren't barking or freaking out then it must be nothing but THEN you start thinking that your dogs are either deaf or at the very least COMPLETELY USELESS.

So you start imagining what would happen if a burglar got into the house and if the dogs would attack the crook or if your dogs would sleep through it or if your dogs would just kiss the asshole and you start resenting your dogs for not protecting you.

Then you hear a car door and you hold your breath because you think that it's probably your significant other but what if it's a burglar or rapist who's just really noisy and then you hear the keys in the door and the dogs get up and bark a lot and you're thankful that they're not deaf and then you hear your significant other and you jump out of bed and run into the wall because it's dark and you don't have your glasses on and you got a head rush from jumping out of bed but that doesn't stop you from running to him/her and screaming "THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME! THERE ARE SCARY NOISES!!"

And he/she looks at you like you're kind of pathetic and he/she clearly feels a little sorry for you because you have obviously lost your mind.

So you go back to bed because you have to get up in less than 4 hours and you close your eyes and suddenly... all of the scary noises stop.

So you realize what this means... your significant other obviously has magic powers.

Thank Brad.

(True story.)

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