Birthday Wishes?

Time: 1:15 PM MST

Call to: Ally's Father

Conversation as follows:

Dad: Hello?

Me: I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALL AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY!!

Dad: OK, hang on. *hangs up*

Time: 1:16 PM MST

Call from: Ally's Father

Conversation as follows:

Dad: *The Happy Birthday Song*

Me: WOW! Thanks... that was completely unexpected.

Time: 1:18 PM MST

Call to: Ally's Mother

Conversation as follows:

Mom: Hello?

Me: I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALL AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY!!

Mom: Well, I was being respectful.

Me: Respectful of what?

Mom: I wanted to let you sleep in on your birthday morning.

Me: MOM!? It's one o'clock in the freakin afternoon... how late do you think I sleep?!

Mom: Well, then I got busy. Retirement makes me a very busy woman. Plus, I'll see you in a couple hours. I'll call you soon.

Time: 1:21 PM MST

Call from: Ally's Mother

Conversation as follows:

Me: Hello crazy woman.

Mom: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUNSHINE!

Me: You saw my tweet, didn't you? You're just trying to make up for it so that I retract my tweet, aren't you?

Mom: Oh, let me guess, you wrote about how unloved you are?

Me: No... that's what my blog is for.

Then she went on to tell me about what an adorable outfit she's wearing today.

Awesome.

My brother didn't even pick up the phone... he is probably hiding. BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE MESSED UP.

PS: I did get a call from my Grandma... she said she forgot the words to Happy Birthday...

PPS: If you sent me a note or email or text or sky writing message: thank you. I appreciate it. You are awesome. My parents and brother should be ASHAMED.

PPPS: Not really... I forgive them... because I am now a GROWN UP, people.

PPPPS: Mike said that my birthday presents are on the bed and that I am NOT allowed to go in there. So I threw some cereal in there so that Hannah would go after it and then maybe retrieve the presents "by accident"... it didn't work. *Golden Retriever FAIL*.

PPPPPS: And now we're out of cereal. Damn.

ATTACK

My mom and I went camping with a whole gaggle of girls this past weekend.

And by "camping" I mean we took two amazing RVs up to a lake less than an hour away where we ate cheese and crackers and had root beer floats and an amazing variety of alcoholic beverages... and I got to sleep in a feather bed.

(VERY important when it comes to sleeping in the great outdoors.)

Then, on the first night, while I was brushing my teeth, my mom decided to set up the coffee pot for the next morning.

Mom: Um, that's weird... wait... what?... OH MY GOD!!!

Me: What are you whining about?

Mom: ANTS! In the coffee pot!!

Me: Ants? *Walks over and expects a few ants* HOLY SHIT! *Sees a SWARM of ants pour from a large coffee pot in a flood of moving back GROSSNESS*

Mom: KILL THEM!

What followed was several minutes of my mother and me smashing insects and trying to drown them in the sink (with a very small supply of RV water).

Then, just to be sure, my mother decided to send an array of cleaning chemicals down the drain... a concoction of 409, Windex, and Easy Off Foaming Oven Cleaner seemed to do the trick.

(And caused my eyes to water and my throat to swell shut... but DIE ANTS DIE!!)

Then we cleared off the entire counter, my mom pointing at anything that moved and me spraying the offending creature with my pistol of 409 spray.

(All while screaming KILL THE FUCKERS and OhmygodOhmygod-we're-going-to-die.)

This is why we don't camp.

PS: At one point one of the little dogs went into another room (yes, this RV has ROOMS), and my mother promptly screamed that the ants had taken the dog away... THAT'S HOW MANY ANTS THERE WERE... (and how freaked out my mother was by this event). (Logic has never been her strong suit in a traumatic event.)

PPS: If you're part of some Ant-Loving organization and find the mass murder of these ants offensive... screw you.

PPPS: I am currently in Florida with my grandmother, mother, cousins and great aunts... the sentence "We're not dysfunctional, just funny" has been spoken... It's going to be a LOOOOONG, very humid week.

Devil Kitty

I have written about my lack of love for cats before.

Well, Lightning Legs went and got herself a little bitty kitty, so I had to re-evaluate my feelings about cats. I mean, a cat is now a part of the family, so I have to get over my fear that a cat will rip out my throat when I'm not looking.

(Or at least make my peace with it.)

So I went to the store and got a whole bunch of cat toys to appease the devil kitty.

(BTW, cats toys? Look exactly like sex toys. What the hell is up with that?)


I also made Marlin (that's the devil kitty's name) a card...

When we showed up at the house, I immediately ripped open all of the toys and scattered them across the floor.

(Keep the kitty distracted from your neck = number one rule in devil kitty survival.)

Soon, I had Marlin attacking everything in site (EXCEPT my vital organs), and he had no interest in me:


While I was trying to appease the devil kitty with my offering, Mike told me that I was doing pretty well for someone who hates cats.

I explained that regardless of how I feel about cats in general (DEVIL!!), Marlin is so freaking cute it hurts... I then compared the kitty to Dexter: he's adorable, and I love him, but at the end of the day, he's still a serial killer.

I'm very happy that Lightning Legs has Marlin... but I won't be sleeping over at her house anytime soon...

Best. Night. Ever.

My personal goal for BlogHer 2009 was to meet Jenny the Bloggess and confess my undying love for her.

(I also had work goals... and goals to not panic... all accomplished!)

(But THIS is the important one.)

(And the most entertaining.)

If you don't know who The Bloggess is... you and I really shouldn't be friends. But I'll fill you in...

Jenny is the most HILARIOUS woman out there. Seriously. And, I can now say, one of the sweetest women too.

When I found out that I was going to this conference, I was thrilled for a lot of reasons. Yes, it would be great to be able to go for my job, and yes, it would be great to meet all of these awesome people, and I got to see some old family friends in Chicago.

But, let's face it, the fact that Jenny was there was at the top of my list of "GREATEST THINGS ABOUT GOING TO BLOGHER!!"

So, the first night I went to a party that she would be at. And I knew that she'd be in the bathroom...

(I should probably explain that Jenny has a major panic disorder, so she doesn't like big crowds (I can relate), so she hides out in the bathroom...)

I went to the party, started talking to a girl (also named Ali, and she is awesome), and I soon found out that she actually KNOWS JENNY. Holy shit, y'all... it was fate.

So we decided to hunt her down, and we checked the bathrooms.

And there she was!

In the bathroom! Talking to some people! Looking hot as hell in her confidence wig!

Her sticker has a picture of her and says, "It's only offensive to assholes."

I was so excited. She is a blogging celebrity, and a personal hero of mine, so I was VERY happy to have found her in the 5th floor bathroom outside of ballroom B at the Sheraton in Chicago.

Then... This woman walked in.

Yes, those are empty prescription bottles that she's using as hair rollers. According to her, it's "really fucking hard to get those fucking labels off of these fucking bottles".

And she screamed "WHAT'S UP MY BITCHES?"

And then she offered me her water bottle... which was filled with straight vodka. (I politely declined.) She had the water bottle filled with straight vodka because she "wasn't gonna pay 9 fucking dollars for a fucking drink".

(I have to agree with that.)

THEN, she pulled out her "Judy Garland Trail Mix":

That is totally real, people. There is a warning label saying that there is an alarm on there and if you take anything the bottle will "fuck you up".

THEN she pulled out a file half an inch thick that had all of her prescriptions in it, to show that it was ALL LEGAL...

THEN she made her way over towards Jenny and said "It's my Bloggess!" I have to admit, all of us were a little worried. I mean... Jenny has anxiety and she hangs out in the bathroom so that she can stay away from people who will make her nervous...

But then this woman kissed Jenny on the cheek, and Jenny said, "Have you met my friend, Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal."

Jenny's hat says "Raised by Wolverines". Nancy's says "Jesus Christ".

Now, if you don't read The Bloggess, that means nothing to you. (You should read this to understand the HUGENESS OF THIS SCENARIO!) But if you do follow her, you would have joined me and Ali in our wash of understanding over what had just happened...

"OOOOOOOHHHHH!! That's Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal!"

Nancy sends these OUTRAGEOUS emails to Jenny and Jenny posts (edited versions) of them on her site. They're hilarious, and many people are convinced that Nancy is actually NOT REAL because WHO WOULD BE THAT CRAZY?

Well, I am here as a witness. Nancy IS that CRAZY. But she is also that AWESOME.

(Seriously, Nancy was so freaking sweet, and gave me the biggest hug ever.)

Me and Nancy...

(She also said that I was hot and she would fuck me (her words), which is always nice to hear.)

So, I spent the whole first night with Jenny and Nancy. And it was awesome. Seriously, best night ever.

I love that Jenny included me and let me follow her around... and she called me awesome... which is also always nice to hear.

ME AND JENNY!! YAYAYAY!

(To see different sizes of these pictures (you know, so you can inspect exactly which pills are in the "Judy Garland Trail Mix"), go here.)

To BlogHer and Back

I thought that I'd give everyone fair warning that I'm headed to Chicago tomorrow to attend a huge blogging conference.

So if I post about something scary in Chicago or something funny in Chicago or something that's neither scary nor funny but more about how I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR in Chicago... that's why.

You can follow my tweets of the event here.

Or here.

And I'll be posting some stuff over here.

And maybe here, too...

But those posts that are panic-induced and/or alcohol related? Well, I promise to post those pieces of shit awesomeness right here.

Overall... I'm nervous about going to Chicago. I mean, excited, yes, but the buildup is a tad nerve racking...

And if I was positive that Bonnie and Hannah wouldn't go all "Old Yeller with rabbis" on some child, I would totally bring them and pretend that they were service dogs...

Or my personal bodyguards hired by some government agency to protect me...

Or search and rescue (if what you needed rescued were socks and/or tennis balls).

But I don't think that's going to work... which kinda sucks... because I already had fake "service dog" t-shirts made for them... and gave them code names.

It looks like Hannah, aka "The Destroyer", and Bonnie, aka "Joan", will have to stay home.

Sad.

I am Still Alive

I know, I've been missing from this blog for awhile.

But you know what? It's because I'm lazy busy.

I have a job (wootwoot!) with an awesome online company called Zwaggle, which is done entirely on the internet. Therefore, when I'm done for the day, typing on a blog is not at the top of my list of things to do.

(Y'all should totally check out Zwaggle.com. Especially if you love me have children in your life... We're also on Twitter and Facebook, so check it out - if for no other reason than because I manage them.)

(Seriously.)

I also haven't really had that much to say. I made a deal with myself that I would *try* not to put total crap up anymore (seriously, some of my old posts make me cringe), so I only post when I have something interesting, weird, or hilarious to write about.

And nothing that interesting, weird, or hilarious has really happened lately.

I mean... I have a bug bite the size of a decent sized strawberry on my ankle that has caused me to abstain from wearing shoes that have a back on them because my foot won't fit.

And I got an iPhone... but my vocabulary regarding it has been mostly squeals of delight and drooling over its awesomeness... plus, after saying "HELL YES SUCKAS" about two dozen times, I ran out of things to say about it.

(It's great, by the way, and I'm sure I'll write a full post about it soon... after the drooling stops.)

And I went to a child's birthday party where my 2 year old cousin made me feel bad about myself because I couldn't touch my nose with my tongue.

See? Nothing really worthy of a longer blog post. SO...

I started a Tumblr blog to post little tidbits on.

This is where I'm posting those little things that I want to tell the world (like how I have to pee in coffee shops, like, 15 times in an hour... you know, important stuff) that just don't warrant a long blog post.

(Plus, there's an App for Tumblr so I can post anywhere... which is helpful.)

Therefore, if you need some more frequent Ally B Speakin fixes, visit www.allybspeakin.tumblr.com. I post there more often, sometimes with pictures from Regina (that's my iPhone's name... duh...).

I also sometimes post on Zwaggle's blog, so be sure to check that out.

(Though I can't cuss or talk about peeing on there quite as much... but it's still fun...)

(PS: If any of you bloggers out there would be interested in writing a blog post about how awesome Zwaggle is, contact me at ally [at] zwaggle [dot] com!)

(PPS: If you're not a blogger, but still want to write about how awesome Zwaggle is... get a blog... or some spray paint and a blank wall...)

(PPPS: Or just tell your friends.)

(PPPPS: And strangers...)

Obsessed

You might be a tad obsessed with Harry Potter if:

1) Your boyfriend asks you where you want to walk the dogs and you say, "We should take Hannah to the Quidditch field to run around".

2) You start calling your Golden Retriever "Hermione"... by accident. (True story.)

3) You break people into two different categories: "Friends" and "Slytherines".

4) You watch the last 20 minutes of "The X-Files: I Want to Believe" so that you won't miss a minute of the premier of "HBO's First Look: Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince".

5) You say "Lumos" whenever you flip the lights on.

If you are showing any or all of these symptoms...

You are awesome.

PS: There was no Fit or Fail post last week because my brother returned from a year abroad, and celebrating that was way more important that Fit or Fail.

PPS: There won't be a Fit or Fail post tomorrow as I have spent the last week SICK, therefore my workouts this past week have been loading the dishwasher and taking a shower. (Both of these activities resulted in a massive jump in my heart rate and a subsequent nap...)