Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I'm sick.

Me: Mike, I'm sick.

Mike: What are your symptoms?

Me: Well... are you ready? First, my head feels like it's being shoved through a garlic press.

Mike: That sounds pleasant.

Me: Oh, I'm just getting started. My nose is stuffy AND runny at the same time.

Mike: OK, what else?

Me: My ears hurt.

Mike: Like pressure, maybe from your sinuses?

Me: No... like a needle kind of pain... like someone is poking the inside of my ear with a needle.

Mike: Nice.

Me: My teeth hurt, too.

Mike: Like when you bite down?

Me: Yes, but ALSO when I talk or just sit here quietly... that can't be good, can it?

Mike: No, probably not. Anything else?

Me: Hell yes! I have sores in my mouth. One in the back of my mouth. And OH! There's one on the top of my mouth!

Mike: So sores are popping up while we have this conversation?

Me: Yes! It's very serious. AND... the bottom of my feet are hot.

Mike: I don't believe you.

Me: Seriously... would I JOKE about hot, tingly FEET? Here.

(I take off my sock and shove my hot and tingly foot at him.)

Mike: It's lukewarm are best.

Me: Well it feels BURNING hot from the inside, so that's not good. AND my eyes are glassy... I think.

Mike: You think? You can't tell.

Me: Well no. My eyes are watering too much for me to know if they're glassy and not just watery.

Mike: You're not crying?

Me: Noooooo... my eyes are watering UNCONTROLLABLY... although your lack of sensitivity regarding my hot and tingly feet did hurt my feelings.

Mike: Well, I apologize. Please tell me that's it.

Me: Nope... my hair is greasy.

Mike: Ally... I don't think that that's a VALID symptom of DISEASE.

Me: Are you kidding me? That's by far the most important of my symptoms. When I was a child, my mom always said that she knew when I was ACTUALLY sick (aka, not faking it) because my HAIR would ALSO get sick... are you DOUBTING my MOTHER... you better hope I don't rat you out.

Mike: No... I'm not doubting your mother's ability to diagnose you and your weird diseases... I just don't know if your symptoms would hold up to a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL.

Me: So you're saying I might not be able to find "hot on the inside of my feet" or "greasy hair" on WebMD?

Mike: I'm going to go with "no".

So I just looked up my symptoms on WebMD and the stupid site doesn't have any options for "hot on the inside of my feet" or "greasy hair". They did have a symptom for "numbness or tingling feet" so I clicked on that and now it's telling me that I have a myriad of horrible diseases of the neurological persuasion, so I unclicked that because it's not really a real description of what my feet feel like...

So, without that symptom I could have a migraine, sinusitis, nasal polyps (WHAT?), swimmers ear, or caffeine withdrawal.

So I'm going to take some aspirin, blow my nose, get out of this here swimming pool, and drink a latte.

And I washed my hair so it's not so greasy.

And I put on some socks... and uncrossed my legs... so the tingling has essentially stopped...

But the headache and runny slash stuffy nose is still here... damn.

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