I'm sick.
Me: Mike, I'm sick.
Mike: What are your symptoms?
Me: Well... are you ready? First, my head feels like it's being shoved through a garlic press.
Mike: That sounds pleasant.
Me: Oh, I'm just getting started. My nose is stuffy AND runny at the same time.
Mike: OK, what else?
Me: My ears hurt.
Mike: Like pressure, maybe from your sinuses?
Me: No... like a needle kind of pain... like someone is poking the inside of my ear with a needle.
Mike: Nice.
Me: My teeth hurt, too.
Mike: Like when you bite down?
Me: Yes, but ALSO when I talk or just sit here quietly... that can't be good, can it?
Mike: No, probably not. Anything else?
Me: Hell yes! I have sores in my mouth. One in the back of my mouth. And OH! There's one on the top of my mouth!
Mike: So sores are popping up while we have this conversation?
Me: Yes! It's very serious. AND... the bottom of my feet are hot.
Mike: I don't believe you.
Me: Seriously... would I JOKE about hot, tingly FEET? Here.
(I take off my sock and shove my hot and tingly foot at him.)
Mike: It's lukewarm are best.
Me: Well it feels BURNING hot from the inside, so that's not good. AND my eyes are glassy... I think.
Mike: You think? You can't tell.
Me: Well no. My eyes are watering too much for me to know if they're glassy and not just watery.
Mike: You're not crying?
Me: Noooooo... my eyes are watering UNCONTROLLABLY... although your lack of sensitivity regarding my hot and tingly feet did hurt my feelings.
Mike: Well, I apologize. Please tell me that's it.
Me: Nope... my hair is greasy.
Mike: Ally... I don't think that that's a VALID symptom of DISEASE.
Me: Are you kidding me? That's by far the most important of my symptoms. When I was a child, my mom always said that she knew when I was ACTUALLY sick (aka, not faking it) because my HAIR would ALSO get sick... are you DOUBTING my MOTHER... you better hope I don't rat you out.
Mike: No... I'm not doubting your mother's ability to diagnose you and your weird diseases... I just don't know if your symptoms would hold up to a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL.
Me: So you're saying I might not be able to find "hot on the inside of my feet" or "greasy hair" on WebMD?
Mike: I'm going to go with "no".
So I just looked up my symptoms on WebMD and the stupid site doesn't have any options for "hot on the inside of my feet" or "greasy hair". They did have a symptom for "numbness or tingling feet" so I clicked on that and now it's telling me that I have a myriad of horrible diseases of the neurological persuasion, so I unclicked that because it's not really a real description of what my feet feel like...
So, without that symptom I could have a migraine, sinusitis, nasal polyps (WHAT?), swimmers ear, or caffeine withdrawal.
So I'm going to take some aspirin, blow my nose, get out of this here swimming pool, and drink a latte.
And I washed my hair so it's not so greasy.
And I put on some socks... and uncrossed my legs... so the tingling has essentially stopped...
But the headache and runny slash stuffy nose is still here... damn.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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Symptomatic
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