On My Own: Part Four (A Little Less Drama)

Odd things about this hotel:

1) The guide says 24 Hour Room Service. But when I call the front desk at 12:24 PM I am told that I have to go downstairs because Room Service is not, well, in service. Which was fine, except that they had (maybe) 3 people working the restaurant right when 250 (hungry) female bloggers showed up. Thankfully someone took pity on me and let me sit with them.

2) The only vegetarian thing on the menu was grilled cheese. (Not that I'm complaining... grilled cheese is practically its own food group in our house...) Even the salads had meat, and I was not about to start arguing with one of the two waiters about it, because odds are that if I ordered a salad it would still come out with bacon. The grilled cheese, though, was on the kid's menu (what's up with that? Grilled cheese is totally an acceptable item for an adult) so they charged me an extra two dollars as I am, in fact, over the age of twelve. I was so desperate for food that I didn't fight that either. (Side note: interesting that I had to order off of the kid's menu as I am the youngest one here... besides the babies... there are LOTS of babies... but they don't have to order off of the kid's menu as they're still on the boob...)

3) They have a "Spiritual Menu" in my room. I can call down and ask for any book of faith that I choose. Including the Book of Mormon, The Koran, Tao Te Ching (?), and The Torah (I wonder if it's a big one like from Bar Mitzvahs and if a Rabbi has to bring it up... I'm a bad Jew.) I think I'll go for the collection of books on Scientology... that should help calm my nerves.

4) I already told you about Desmond George McFishy. I was afraid that he would die if housekeeping didn't come soon because they feed him... I think. Thankfully my room is clean, so I'm hoping the fact that he's stationary on the bottom of the bowl means that he's full of yummy fishy food... and not slowly dying. (If this fish dies I am SO going to give them a bad review on Expedia.) (Do fish like cherry sours?)

5) There is a really snazzy ice bucket in the room (candy apple red... goes very well with bag of cherry sours), but the plastic liner that goes into the bucket is not the correct size, so when I filled it the ice went everywhere but into the plastic bag. Now, I assume that the plastic bag is in there as some sort of sanitary device... like maybe there is a history of people peeing in these buckets, or using them are receptacles for their dirty needles, and the plastic liner is there to protect me from hepatitis... so, needless to say, I fear that I am chewing on unsanitary ice. (I have to chew on the ice to get the taste of cherry sours out of my mouth...)

6) They have a little card on the bed that talks about how the hotel is trying to "be green". The card is there to give you a choice between wanting new sheets and towels (bad) and wanting to conserve by saving your sheets and towels. One side says "yes - conserve", the other side "no - do not conserve". So if you want to get clean towels... you feel like a douche for saying "don't conserve".

So the conference is going pretty well. I made the mistake of going to an intro session about Social Media because I had NO idea what Social Media was... yeah, it's Twitter and Facebook. And as I Twitter more than I talk to people, I sort of think I have that down. Since I was far too lazy to gather up all of my stuff and move over to the other panel (and I didn't want to be rude...), I just tried to get the most out of it.

I did learn some new things, and I'm meeting people and have a bunch of new people to follow, which is good.

All in all, much better than my mental breakdown yesterday... and it probably only has a teensy little bit to do with the fact that I took some anti-anxiety medication.

Yay for abusing prescription drugs!

(No... abuse would be a pill with a margarita chaser... and stupid room service wouldn't bring me one... 24 hours my ass.)

On My Own: Part Three (100th POST!!)

Oh my Brad... this is my 100th post!!

WooHoo!

I am blogtastic!

(That will be my opening line tomorrow when I meet all of the other bloggers. I should have brought a marker so that I could add it to my business cards...)

(Damn.)

So I gathered up my stuff and went downstairs and ran into this blogger and her adorable baby, and she told me that a bunch of people from the conference were putting together swag bags down the hall.

She was super sweet and said I could tag along, so I walked into the room with her and was greeted with about 2 dozen fellow bloggers.

Needless to say, although she was really nice to invite me, I just couldn't do it.

I froze up and spent the next 10 minutes wandering around the lobby trying to summon enough courage to go back into the conference room... but I ended up deciding to try and find some food, instead.

So I walked around outside and realized that the only business nearby is a Kaplan Career Services building.

(I figure that if I have some extra time on my hands I can swing by there and have them decide what I should do with my life...)

So I decided to be a coward and go back to my room to order room service.

(Apparently the only vegetarian meal that they have here in Tennessee is Eggplant Parmesan. Although it's a vegetable, I'm pretty sure deep frying the eggplant negates all health value.)

(But as a girl who has only eaten raisins and cherry sours all day, I'm not one to start lecturing the room service peoples...)

(And eggplant is pretty much only worth eating fried.)

When the room service man came in he said that I didn't have a lava lamp or a pet fish.

I was all, "um yeah... I left 'em at home... (*nervous laughter*)".

He then informed me that I could call the front desk and order a lava lamp or a pet fish.

So, as soon as he left I called Mike (for the 12th time in 3 hours... but this was the first time that I wasn't crying... so progress...) and told him that I could get my own lava lamp or rent-o-fish!

He asked me what I was going to get and I informed him that I didn't really feel comfortable ordering a lava lamp without a black light to go with it...

So I hung up and called the front desk.

Front Desk: This is Chad at the Front Desk, how may I help you?

Me: I was just informed that I could order a pet fish. (I sort of expect him to laugh at me and tell me that it was just a joke that the service staff play sometimes: Convince the Hotel Patrons to ask for Ridiculous Things - CTHPTAFRT for short.)

Front Desk: A pet fish? I'll check to see if we have any available and I will send one up. (How many other people in the hotel are as desperate for company as I am that their rent-o-fish supply is on backorder?)

I was SO excited that they weren't playing a prank on me and that I would have a new pet.

Soon, a nice lady delivered "George" to me.

He's a betta fighting fish (Mike informed me that they don't actually fight and I told him that if they had any extra I'd put them together to test the theory... maybe I'm not quite responsible enough to take care of George...) and red and so pretty. Honestly, "George" just doesn't quite cut it as the perfect fish name for such a beautiful creature.

Especially if he's mine (at least until Sunday).

He needs a sexy name... a little exotic...

Edward! Oh wait... this computer's name is Edward, so that doesn't work (don't want to cause any sort of Mac vs. fish rivalry)...

So I decide to name him "Desmond" because Desmond is one of the best LOST characters and he has a sexy accent... duh.

So I took a bunch of glamor shots of Desmond George McFishy (complete with feather boa) and was all excited to introduce him to the world (slash 25 people who read this blog)... when I noticed that the ONE computer component that I left at home was my camera card reader!

(Seriously? I bring my external hardrive, but I forget this...)

So, his true unveiling will have to wait.

(I think that the fried eggplant is helping... I feel much better. Plus there are reruns of Friends on the TV, which REALLY helps.)

On My Own: Part Two from TN

So when I woke up this morning I was SUPER nervous about this trip.

I was also SUPER angry at myself for not packing last night and instead watching LOST.

(Totally worth it, though.)

So I got up early to pack and was cussing out my bag because I couldn't fit all of my "essentials" in there.

Mike then repacked it and fit everything in there by pointing out that I did NOT need my three pound day planner...

(Smarty-pants.)

He then drove me to the airport where I cried for no apparent reason except for the fact that I realized that I was ALL BY MYSELF.

It didn't help when I forgot to take the liquids out of my bag (rookie mistake) thus forcing an old man security guard to search my stuff.

(Thankfully he became convinced that I was a law abiding citizen before he went through all of my undies...)

I then had to go to stupid Concourse A which does not have the sandwich place that I like on Concourse B. So I bought 800 calories worth or trail mix and cherry sours as my breakfast.

When I got on the plane the flight attendant scolded me for having an oddly shaped bag that was not regulation size.

(Which is something you think someone could have told me at the half dozen checkpoints I had to go through since leaving the car...)

And then crazy lady sat across the aisle from me.

To avert any crisis (like me attacking crazy lady with my bag of cherry sours), I quickly asked the mean flight attendant if I could sit in the seat in front of me with the empty seat next to it.

(It wasn't all that necessary, as the woman sitting on the other side of the crazy lady was way more overtly rude than me, thus shutting crazy lady right the eff up.)

(Mean girls are sometimes good for something.)

Then, about half way through the flight the sleeping old man in my row offered me a stick of gum.

I thought how nice, and quickly stuck the stick-o-mint in my mouth.

Then I remembered that you are never supposed to take candy from strangers.

(See... I'm not meant to travel alone...)

So I started to think about if gum counts as candy... I mean, I never sit there and crave a nice, rich piece of gum to melt in my mouth... but it is sold in the candy section of the store.

During all of this I realized that I wasn't foaming at the mouth or anything else that might happen if I was being poisoned, so I just enjoyed my gum and went to sleep.

When I got to the airport I was looking for the shuttle to the hotel when a couple of nice men pointed out that I had to actually call the shuttle to have them pick me up.

So I called and was instructed to wait for a silver car. The same men who originally helped me pointed out what my ride was going to look like. They said it would be a silver van and it would have the hotel's name on it.

Well, at first I was a little offended. I mean, I'm competent and all, I could probably figure out which car was mine... right?

Well, I'm actually quite grateful because soon a silver SUV pulled up in front of me and had those men not just told me exactly what my van looked like I would have jumped up and climbed in the back of this poor man's Explorer.

Which would be awkward.

Especially when I would tell him to "step on it, already".

I finally get to the hotel and get into my room and... I completely lost it.

So I called Mike up blubbering like a baby about being completely overwhelmed and he calmed me down and told me it was OK.

Then I got off of the phone and had to physically restrain myself from ordering Twilight off of the in-room movie service to make myself feel better.

(Because Edward Cullen would totally help...)

So instead I decided to blog (which is just fine... I am at a blogging conference).

I should probably take Mike's advice and go to the front desk to find out a good place to eat.

I think I feel like this because of today's diet of yogurt, trail mix, and cherry sours.

And that can't be good.

On My Own: Part One

So I'm on my way to Nashville for BlissDom 09.

I have never been ANYWHERE all by myself, so I'm kind of freaking out.

But I'm distracting myself by blogging about this crazy lady sitting near me.

First, there are two men in the vicinity with a likeness to Santa Claus.

This woman has decided to tell EVERYONE about this (like we can't tell for ourselves)... including her husband, whom she called on the phone to have him talk to the Santa Claus look-alike. Seriously... she made this poor man with a beard talk to her husband on her cell phone.

Dear Lady,

He's not really Santa.

Sorry.

And then she told the people next to me that she is "sorta starting menopause so I'm all over the place with my hot flashes".

COMPLETE STRANGERS.

I think she just said that she's a therapist.

Brad help her clients.

Must board plane.

More when I get to TN.

Good, Bad, and Just Plain Ugly

The Good:

My friend Mark asked me to help him with his latest photography project.

Because I am such an awesome person, I said yes. (Well... what else was I going to say? "I don't have school... a job... a life... I'm just too swamped"?... no...)

So he said that he needed me to make some fake blood for a suicide scene (I know... artists are bizarre).

So I immediately thought about how I would have to go out to the shed to try and find some camouflage clothes and some night vision goggles so that I could stalk a squirrel or raccoon and therefore just use their blood...

Then Mark told me that it had to be vegetarian blood.

(Yeah... that is so not as challenging and why would I wear night vision goggles to make vegetarian blood?)

(And then I realized that I'm also a vegetarian... so it probably would have sucked to kill a squirrel... and I don't even have night vision goggles... just Mike's huge flashlight... which isn't quite as cool...)

So I looked up the ingredients on wikiHow (you can find anything on this here internets) and got a few bottles of corn syrup, food coloring, and chocolate syrup... and made a big tupperwear full of awesome (delicious smelling) fake blood.

(Sometimes it sort of looked like blueberry syrup... but it looks good on camera.)

Photo from Mark's Blog

So, it wasn't quite as exciting as procuring some real blood, but it still turned out cool.

And now I have a new super cool skill to add to my resume.

The Bad:

In an effort to make Mike feel better, I got some Betty Crocker mix for Banana Walnut muffins. I don't bake a lot (at all), so I was very excited when they didn't explode.

(Well... some of them came out raw in the center... and the box clearly said it made TWELVE muffins, and I only got TEN out of the batter... and I did NOT eat two muffins worth of batter... I think...)

Anyway, I was so excited and the ones that were fully cooked tasted delicious.

Then I went out the next day and came home to an empty plate on the counter. So I put it in the dishwasher and... wait a minute... weren't there a half-dozen (beautiful) muffins wrapped in tin-foil on that plate?

So, my terrible doggies managed to get the tin-foil covered muffins off of the plate (without breaking it... stealthy little criminals), and ate it all (including most of the foil).

(On a side note: how did they split the muffins between the two of them? Did they decide to get the muffins down as a team, or did one just go for it? Did one get more than the other? Who was the brains behind the operation (Bonnie), and who decided how the muffins should be split between the two of them?)

(It certainly makes you think... and makes you move everything off of the kitchen counter when you leave the house...)

That night I was woken up by a strange gurgling noise that I soon found out was coming from Bonnie's tummy:

AllyBSpeakin: Up since 4:30 with a certain dog who has an upset tummy from stealing her Momma's muffins... this is motherhood.

dailypicture365: Next thing you know you'll be nursing your 16 year old after it stole your stash of heroin...at least you are practicing.

AllyBSpeakin: Excuse me? My kid will NOT do heroin... By the time I have a kid there's gonna be some super drug that ninjas stole from the govt. My kid is going to be cool... so he'll/she'll be in to that... not old school heroin.

(Just so you know... Bonnie and Hannah are just fine... except for the fact that they are currently playing on the couch and Hannah has managed to get her head stuck in a blanket while Bonnie chews on her ear... that can't be good.)

And The Ugly:

We went to a Super Bowl party at the restaurant where Mike works.

As part of the shenanigans, the restaurant gets a whole bunch of free stuff to give to the employees.

All of the stuff is promotional crap (I mean awesome products) from alcohol companies.

So, among all of the t-shirts, hats, and keychains, what does my boyfriend grab?

A metal picture of a bottle of Jagermeister...

Which he put up on the wall...

In the kitchen.

Yes... we are now those people.

And so, if any of you need some fake blood, badly behaved dogs, or a metal picture of booze (with the caption "Urban Legend")... contact me.

Please.

PS: To see Mark's project (and my awesome blood), and you are on a Windows machine, you can click here. If you're on a Mac, you have to go here (you may have to download something, but it's worth it...).

Pimp My Blog

Mike totally rules...

My pretty blog, with it's custom header, totally kicks ass...

Isn't it beautiful!?!

So, all of you computer programmers out there looking to hire some young talent: hire my boyfriend... now.

We're running out of food.

The electricity is going to be turned off.

The only thing I have to feed to the dogs is dead squirrel.

We need money.

(OK, not really. We do need money, but the electricity is still going strong, the dogs are fine (they have real food to eat... they just prefer dead animals), and the only reason we're out of food is because I'm just too lazy to go to the store...)

(But I'm trying to pull at the heart strings of computer programmers looking to hire...)

(And please note that I realize that we are VERY lucky to NOT have those problems, as there are many, MANY people out there who actually don't have electricity and whose doggies are starving.)

(If you are one of those people and you are a computer programmer, I hope you get a job soon...)

(Right after Mikey.)

So PLEASE hire him.

Because this blog is now certifiably sexy.

(Oh! I should so have Mike put that on his resume...)

Death from Ear Shock

So I haven't written in awhile.

Why?

Because I've spent the last week in the house taking care of my sick boyfriend and being all around "domestic".

(Not that I'm complaining. I love Mike and I love taking care of him...)

(Plus, since I was so nice to him, he's going to take me out to dinner... bonus for Ally!)

So I really had nothing to write about other than the copious amounts of phlegm and tissues in my life (both of which were not mine).

(See... aren't you happy that I spared you?)

Unfortunately, we've just started leaving the house again, so I still don't have a lot to write about.

Other than the fact that I think that my headphones are trying to kill me.

While I was walking the dogs today, it felt like something flicked my ear. I thought it was some mutant insect flying into the side of my head, so I let it go.

But then it happened again...

And again...

And again.

And every time it happened I would jump up in the air, bang the side of my head, and scream "What the fuck?", causing the other people who were out for a walk to cross to the opposite side of the street.

(Which is fine with me... Bonnie has a history of biting strangers...)

(Bad Bonnie.)

So I'm convinced that these headphones are trying to kill me by shocking my ear, thus sending an electrical current through my ear canal to my brain, thus ending my life.

Now... who would construct such an elaborate plan to end my life? These headphones didn't used to do this. My family is all traveling the world (without me), so I can't blame them (not that I would... it just gives them a mighty fine alibi).

And since I haven't left the house in several days, there can only be a few suspects.

So, if you have entered my house in the last week... you are under investigation.

(I can't blame Mike... he barely had the energy to stand up to take a shower, let alone get my headphones and alter them into death machines... plus, after this last week, I think that I've thoroughly convinced him that he couldn't possibly survive without me.)

And don't try to blame it on Bonnie.

(Hannah wouldn't be capable of such treachery... for one thing, if she got her paws on my headphones, she'd just eat them, not corrupt them.)

Bonnie may bite strangers... but she loves her Momma.

(I think.)