No Boys Needed

I wanted to read outside when I got home from work. I thought to myself:

Wouldn't it be lovely to read out in the backyard? Aha! We have a hammock in the shed! Oh, but Mike is not home, so I have to wait for him to put it together... Wait! No I don't!! I don't need no stinkin' man! I can do it myself! Hoorah!

So I went into the shed and pulled out all of the big metal pipes that hold up the hammock (it's free standing). It made no sense to me.

That was until I turned the base over so that I could actually put it together. Amazing how that works.

I was able to get it together just fine. I mean, I wouldn't put a famous baby in there or anything, but I believe that my engineering integrity will hold up.

Then I had to clean it. So I filled up a tupperwear with hot, soapy water, and brought a towel outside. I had to keep chasing Bonnie and Hannah away from it, because they really wanted to lick the bubbles, but I am a mean mama and said no.

So I started washing down the hammock. I realized that there are red dots splattered all over it. Probably just bug stuff... but then I remembered that one of the Gatti boys cracked his freaking head open on the hammock a couple of years ago.

Hmm... could it possibly be head blood splattered?

So I got some Hydrogen Peroxide and tried to clean it all off. It didn't work, but I figure at least it's all sanitized and stuff.

I don't like saying that my hammock is ugly because of some kid falling off and cracking his skull open... it's not exciting enough. So I've decided on this story instead:

Mike was chilling out when some dude who looked like Nick Cage came over and was like, "Yo, dude, can I have your roommates number?" And Mike was like, "Yo, Nick-Cage-Wannabe, she's my girl, not my roommate." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah", and then Mike karate chopped the other guys nose off with his Costa Rican machete. See, our hammock is all gross because Mike had to defend my honor...

Much cooler story.

WELL, I then had to wash the soap off, so I dragged the hose to the backyard, and sprayed the hammock. Again, I had to keep the dogs from licking all of the new bubbles, and Hannah kept trying to bite the water streaming from the hose... Bonnie was scared of it.

Then I had to find some way to attach the pillow thing to it... so I found an old locker lock and attached the pillow. Now Bonnie and Hannah can't attack it and take it to a land where nobody will ever find it, a fate many of my socks have suffered.

I am quite the genius.

Then I decided to fill up our fountain. At one point, we had some fish in there, but I think (hope) that they moved on to fishy heaven some time ago. Anyway, I put the hose in the fountain to fill it up. I turned around and saw Bonnie trying to catch the water droplets dripping from the hammock. Silly curly haired weirdo.

So I wanted to see if I could get the fountain to work. Well, I found a power thingy (technical term), but the power line was chewed through. So I'm thinking maybe I won't be able to fix it. But that doesn't stop me from thinking that maybe I'm looking at the wrong thingy, so I think of what Mike does. He picks some box thingy (another technical term) out of the fountain and unclogs it. So I thought, I'll just wait for Mike, because I don't want to get my hands gross and I am convinced that there was at one time a snake in there... and Mr. Snake could be back...

But I don't need no stinkin' man. So I stuck my pretty little hand in the yucky fountain and tried to pull seaweed (fountain weed) off of the thingy (and it looked just like a freaking snake, too).

And it...

didn't work. Oh well.

How Far Would YOU Walk for a Booger Thing?

I took Hannah to the Dog Park today so that she could play in the (really gross) pond there. She attempted to spend the whole time in between my legs, but was drawn out into the water by ample amounts of tennis balls.

She even tried to get two balls in her mouth at a time while she was in the middle of the lake, but ended up just getting one ball and a couple of lung-fulls of yucky pond water.

The other dogs would bully her, because she is that kid on the playground who just screams wuss. She would be swimming back from the center of the pond with her ball and some Rottweiler or Poodle or Schnauzer would stare her down, causing her little eyebrows to go into a worried arch and prompting her to drop her hard earned ball at their feet. They would take the ball, and run away, leaving me with having to wade in and get another filthy ball to throw for her.
The water was gross...
She smells bad now...
So do I.

I then decided that I wanted a Boba Tea. Boba Tea is milk tea with little balls of tapioca stuff at the bottom. It comes in millions of flavors. I like the more traditional (and yummy) chocolate or vanilla bean. There are also a lot of fruit flavors, like watermelon, mango, and cherry. There are also more obscure flavors, like jasmine, rose, starfruit, and I even saw the flavor "smoke".

I know... what kind of freak drinks smoke flavored tea? And is it like a fire smoke flavor, or smoky BBQ flavor, or a flavor from the cigarette variety?


Anywho, it usually comes as an iced milk tea, but today I got a frozen one. The tapioca balls are incredibly disgusting and gross me out (they have the consistency of a booger), but I am completely entranced with them. I hate them, but I love them. They are just plain interesting, creating a party in my mouth (much like my famous toothbrush). You get this wide mouth straw so the boba can come up with the liquid. Again, gross, but awesome.

Well, Boba Tea, especially a chocolate flavored frozen one, is not exactly Weight Watchers approved, so I decided that if I wanted it, I had to earn it. So I put on my headphones, started a playlist, got my floppy sun hat (that makes me look like an old Jew from Florida... sorry... first image I got), and hit the road.

The boba place is on The Hill, which is about 1.8 miles one way (I Google mapped it). So, I decided that making the trip on foot was well worth a Boba treat. I also decided to bring my book, which is almost 700 pages, and I think that counts as some sort of weight lifting.

It was very nice walking up there. I probably should not have worn flip flops, as my right foot is spontaneously falling asleep now, but all was good. It's fun to be on campus when it is empty.

Of course, the university takes this time to spray poison all over the lawns, so I couldn't lie in the grass... or frolic while singing Sound of Music at the top of my lungs...

Oh well.

I read a little, and cooled down in the UMC fountain. There are a lot of people who come over the summer to check out the place with their prospective students. I wonder if they look at me with my Boba Tea and old lady hat and say: "This looks like a great place to send Jimmy".

Or if they see me and think: "Damn hippie, avert your eyes Jimmy".

Now that's something to ponder...

My Life is NOT Depressing... Well, Sorta.

I have one of those battery powered toothbrushes. I like it, because it's more interesting than regular toothbrushes. It's like a party in my mouth.

Michael says that I depress him because I have no hobbies. Well, after reading the above blurb about my super cool toothbrush... I agree. That is depressing.

I don't have any real hobbies. I never have. I get bored easily. The fact that I have kept up this blog has surprised us all. I am quitter. As my dad once told me: "Ally, you come from a long line of quitters."

Wise man, that dad guy.

I just don't have a lot of passion... or a strong work ethic (wisdom that my mother gave me when I was 12). Plus, I don't really know what I like. I think that that is one reason why the whole question of what my future holds is a mystery to me. I just don't know. Do I really have to know right now? I don't think so, but it would be nice if I did. I'll start small. In August, I will begin looking for a new job. Between now and then, I will keep working at WOG, and I will go to Vegas and Greece.

Sounds good to me. Baby steps to the future... baby steps to the future.

Speaking of Vegas, we get to go see Dane Cook at Caesar's Palace. A woman at work asked if he's as raunchy in his stand-up as she's heard. As far as I know, he's worse:

HER: Well, you know, there's something kinda cute about a hot guy who's raunchy. It's kinda hot. Not like when someone, like Robin Williams, is raunchy. Although it's hilarious, it's not sexy. Williams is still a hairy beast. But Dane Cook is like a bad boy, and that's sexy."
ME: I agree...

Random ramble: You know how the show Family Guy is created and written and stuff by Alex Bornstein. Quick: picture Alex Bornstein.

Alex is a chick.

I think that it is interesting, because I assumed that Alex Bornstein was a dude. Even with all that I've learned about assuming making you a douche (...wait... or is it an ass out of you and me... I get it!), I still have my preconceived notions about things.

Family Guy is on right now... that's why I bring it up.

Back to my toothbrush. I have this weird problem with brushing my teeth. I think that it is because I have more teeth than the average gal. Not really, but my dad says that it looks like I do, because of the sheer size of my teeth and all.

Again, wise.

Anywho, I produce an amazing amount of toothpaste foam. It gets all over my lips and my toothbrush, and the mirror, sink, and ceiling (I assume... I've never actually checked the ceiling). It is really annoying, and messy. I am not sure why this happens, as it does not happen to other people that I have had the pleasure of brushing my pearly whites with.

I also get heartburn from toothpaste. Not all the time, but enough times to make me check to see if spicy food or anti-freeze are ingredients in Colgate Total.

I know... weird... and depressing.

Another weird thing about my abnormally huge teeth is that they hurt when the weather is a certain temperature. Like if I'm smiling when there is a breeze, or breathing hard outside. My freaking teeth hurt so bad, like they are breaking.

I think my mouth needs therapy.

At least there's an exciting toothbrush in the picture, now.

A Gentle Walk

I took the girls on a walk when I got home from work. I had to get Bonnie a new gentle leader, and she completely hates me for it. Whenever I bring it over to her, she bows her head and gives me her Bambi eyes.

I don't fall for it. Instead I tell her that if she wasn't such a brat on walks, we could do without it.

I think my kids are going to hate me.

I think that she assumed that once she was able to chew through her last one, she would be free and clear. But, alas, I got her another one. This one is harder to chew on, though, so instead she takes her frustration out on poor Hannah. She chews on her sister's gentle leader instead. So Hannah has to walk down the sidewalk with an Aussie Shepard attached to her head collar.

It's very sad. Poor pumpkin doodle ding dong.

I took them over to a church that has a lot of grass in front of it. There is a big rock in front of the church that Bonnie likes to climb up. Hannah can get up after a few tries, but freaks out as soon as she gets on top and realizes how high it is.

I call it "THE ROCK OF GOD" (all caps)...

Hannah reminds me of AJ (even though Bonnie has his hair) when he was little. I can just hear her saying "don't-like-it-don't-like-it-don't-like-it" on top of the rock (or when the ironing board is out).

Mike had an interview today... he looked very handsome.

School's out For...ever

I went to see Grandma today with Dad and Mel. That was fun. My grandma is so funny, and the typical grandma. Not the kind that bakes cookies and pinches cheeks, but the kind that says things that make your jaw drop and laugh out load.

She made a list of all of the people she would give money to if, no WHEN, she wins the lottery.

She also wants to have a mock funeral, with her sitting in the back so nobody sees her, so she can see who comes and hear what they say... We said that at the end she could pop out of the coffin and scream SURPRISE!!! Then we could laugh and have a glass of boxed White Zinfandel.


We ordered Chinese food. There is something about Chinese food that keeps me from abiding by the rules of portion control. I just can't help but eat half my body weight in China's finest. I must admit, of all meat, I miss Sesame Chicken more than most.

ME: I don't eat meat.
GRANDMA: Well, eat this Sesame Chicken... it's good.
ME: I know it's good, but it's not the taste that makes me a vegetarian.
GRANDMA: But it's good....

Silly Grandma.

I haven't had a good nights sleep in quite a few days. Between the craziness of graduation and family and having to get up early for work, I have not been able to get enough rest. Saturday night I could not sleep. It was weird. I usually don't have a lot of trouble getting to sleep, but that night could not turn off my brain. I also had really bad heart burn, which makes my chest feel like it is simultaneously on fire and freezing. So I did what any recent graduate would do... I watched half a season of Sex and the City DVDs. And ate cookies, because I assume that marshmallow and chocolate graham cracker cookies are the perfect antidote for heart burn.

They're not.

I ended up staying awake until four am. Since then, I have not really caught up. So last night I decided to go to be early. So I sat down with my book at 9:45 and planned on reading until I fell asleep. Well, I ended up reading the rest of the god damn book. Needless to say, I was up late, again. Then I was so upset by the ending, that I sat awake for another 45 minutes contemplating if it really had to end that way, or if the author just hates me (because it's all about me).

I'm now starting The Host by my hero, Stephanie Meyer. OK, she's not really my hero, but The Twilight Saga are some of my most favorite books of all time. I started The Host tonight, but knowing that I'll probably become addicted, I've decided to put it down before I become too engrossed and end up reading all 700 pages tonight.

So instead, I'm rambling here. Apparently I just cannot go to bed at a reasonable time. DAMN SELF-DESTRUCTION!!

It is nice to be out of school and able to read what I want.

I keep thinking that I should be doing homework. Then I think, But it's summer. Then I realize it's not just summer... this is the rest of my life. Work, then whatever, then work...

But I'll still enjoy the fact that it is summer.

The Heckled becomes the Heckler

The last few days have been a complete blur... I don't really want to go into super detail about all of it, but I'll do a recap.

Thursday was the day of my ceremony. I was super nervous before I got there, but it was alright. We only had 16 undergrads, so it was nice and small. Amazingly, though, I didn't know/recognize a good half of the women in my Senior class. I know... pathetic.

The other thing that was pathetic was that I was informed that I am the only one who was a single major in Women and Gender Studies. Everyone else is a double major... and able to do it in 4 years. I was also one of a handful who didn't get a cord or sash or cool scarf to wear.

Oh well... moving on with my life.

The ceremony was beautiful. Mike sums it up well. I had to be the first to walk in line. I hate being first. What if I trip and then the next person falls on me and then the next until we are just a pile of graduating feminists in our caps and gowns crushed to the sound of African drummers... I made it, though. But my ENTIRE family was waiting outside. "Oh crap" were the words I muttered, if I remember correctly. It was fine, until someone (I will name no names) yelled "Nice hat, Ally!" The women behind me we shocked, and I am now known as "the girl with the family that heckles her".

It's a lovely legacy... really.

The professor who gave me my diploma book gave me a hug. It was very sweet, but I don't know who the hell the crazy bastard was.

The woman who sounds like the priest from The Princess Bride spoke for a long time and I guess my brother and dad cracked up. That is why I love them. I'm sorry... wuv them.

After dinner we went to Rincon Del Sol. I tried to get the Kohn Zone and the Carrillo Clan to mesh and interact... but that didn't work too well. They pretty much split, except for Mike, Dustin and Dave, but that was more of a fluke. Thanks guys...

I decided that it was my graduation, and I always wanted one of the fish bowl sized margaritas. So I ordered a 32 oz frozen mango margarita.

I got down about 30 oz of it.

I almost threw up. I didn't though... I did lie on the floor of my house talking to the doggies... but I don't need margaritas to do that.

Neither do Mike or Dave, for that matter.

We then had Mark, Gordon, my cousin Derek, and Scott over and watched LOST. I was drunk... but it was still fun and exciting.

Friday we spent the afternoon on Pearl Street, then went to party at the Big House. It was a ton of fun. People were very nice and excited, and the magician was AMAZING (actually, his name is the Amazing Lamont, so I expected nothing less). After he performed, I had lots of people tell me that they thought that he would be totally lame, but really enjoyed him...

Have we EVER put on a bad party? Seriously people.

My little cousin, Hayden, who is 3 (4?) was so freaking cute. He sat at the table and kept holding his hands up and slapping his cheeks Home Alone style. When Lamont messed up a trick, I said that it was all my fault. Hayden informed me that I did indeed mess it up, and that I could not have any cake. Way to make a gal feel worse, kid.

Today Mike's family had us all over for an indoor BBQ. The girls got to come and were so happy to play in the backyard and get some attention and eat ice cubes from the cooler. Cutest picture is located here. I am very grateful to Mike's family for hosting my whole crazy family, on top of their whole crazy family... they must be crazy themselves.

Tonight we went to Grammy's to play a game. We didn't play one, though, but it was nice to hang out for a while.

Favorite thing that happened:
Mike was explaining how hard it is to eat cheese and crackers: "You try and spread the cheese, but the cracker keeps crackin." He didn't even realize it was funny... which makes him all that much cuter.

Graduation Affirmation

Today is graduation and it will be a good day.
I will not worry about the future, just have fun in the present.
I will not worry about last night. I will not worry at all.
I will be happy to be with my family.
I will have a margarita the size of a fish bowl tonight.
I will be happy, because I deserve it!