Monday, March 9, 2009

Un-Domestic Goddess

This morning I received a text from Mark that asked if I (or Mike) knew how to sew buttons onto clothes.

I promptly returned the text with a resounding, and honest, "I can't sew worth shit. Sorry, I fail."

I soon started thinking about why I don't sew or do any other crafty things.

I mean, I wish that I was like Mike's mom, who could probably make a beautiful wedding dress out of nothing but toilet paper and some human hair (I'm not sure why I immediately jumped to THAT combination... it makes her sound creepy... she actually makes INCREDIBLE things in RECORD time using completely NORMAL materials... as far as I know...).

And I would love it if I could put my adorable creations of my blog, like Miss Wishcake...

But I'm just not good at those sorts of things.

The first time I attempted to sew something was in my sixth grade Home Ec class...

I chose to make a little yellow ducky (so cute!), and remember bringing my half completed friend home to finish it over the weekend...

I was having some trouble, so I asked my mother to help me.

(That was my first mistake.)

I should probably FIRST explain that I come from a family where my mom has a stapler and a glue gun... NOT a sewing machine.

And, although my father can sew basic stuff so that it stays in one piece, his knowledge stems from sewing FLESH TOGETHER, not patterns to make stuffed animals.

(Did I mention he's a medical doctor... NOT that freak from Silence of the Lambs? I thought I should clear that up. So, Dad = doctor, NOT serial killer who sews skin together to make an outfit... got it? Good.)

So I didn't grow up with the whiz of the sewing machine in the background (though my mom DID sew me a poodle skirt in one night... ROCKSTAR... though I can't remember if glue was involved...).

Anyway! Asking my mother to help me finish my innocent yellow ducky was not the greatest of decisions.

The duck ended up HALF INSIDE OUT. Really? Really. His head was INSIDE OUT.

(It's not ALL her fault... though I was only 11... sorry, Ma... I can't really help you with that one...)

(Did I mention the amazing poodle skirt? Let's just focus on that.)

I was so embarrassed that I didn't even go back to reclaim him after the semester was over. (And I don't remember the grade I got... it's possible that I've blocked it from my psyche.)

The next semester a girl in one of my other classes informed me that the teacher had asked them to remind me to come pick my project up and then left the HALF INSIDE OUT creature ON HER DESK so that ALL of my classmates could STARE at him.

(Thankfully (sadly?), I was so un-popular that few people even knew that the Home Ec teacher was referring to me...)

I never went back for him.

As I got older, the craftiness gene never kicked in. My senior year of high school I took a "Fashion" class and had to make a winter hat (didn't even fit over the crown of my head) and a pair of boxer shorts. And the boxer shorts?? WERE HALF INSIDE OUT.

Don't ask me how. I blame aliens.

PS: After I responded that I couldn't sew a button, I received the following message: "You're not getting into heaven." Well, duh. Though I would say that sewing buttons is the LEAST of my problems. (See post about the vet, my shame, and epileptic dogs.)

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