I am? Crafty.

Yesterday I was at the drugstore and I saw Advent Calendars.

I was immediately flooded with images of my childhood: anxiously waiting for dinner to end so that my brother and I could open the little cardboard door for that date and find the little, delicious chocolate treat.

Me: AJ!! I found Advent Calendars! Do you remember those? When did Mom and Dad stop giving us those?

AJ: Probably at the appropriate age to stop being so excited about Advent Calendars.

Me: Asshole.

Last night I was so excited to open the little door labeled "1".

I opened it up, removed the little piece of chocolate shaped like a little present, and...

...it tasted like crap.

Seriously... it crumpled in my mouth, tasted like glue, and burned going down my throat.

Stupid childhood memories bought for $1.50.

BUT, instead of being sad and throwing away my dreams about having an advent calendar this year, I got my creativity on.

Ally B Speakin' Presents:

ALLY B'S AWESOME SOLUTION TO HER CRAPPY ADVENT CALENDAR

Step 1: Get crappy advent calendars for 2 for $3.

Mine:

Mike's:

Step 2: Gather your supplies. You'll need some new, edible candy to replace the crappy shit. You'll also need some tape.

All I have on hand are generic semi-sweet chocolate chips... so be it.

Step 3: Remove crappy candy.

Dispose of the crappy candy responsibly, like in your leftover breakfast.

Step 4: Put good candy (or generic semi-sweet chocolate chips) in the empty spaces.

It's important to keep a sense of excitement and surprise, so mix up how many chocolate chips you put in each space.

But make it more that one chocolate chip, because if you open it up and see only one lonely chocolate chip... well, that's a sad day for everyone.

Step 5: Close them back up. It's preferable to use clear tape because duct tape is just stupid looking... and super glue probably isn't the best idea.

There, I just saved your holiday memories.

You're welcome.

It Must be the Shoes...

(I don't know why I'm still writing about Lady Gaga... apparently my life now revolves around the woman...)

Lady Gaga |MTV Music

Me: I have been working all day to learn the dance from the "Bad Romance" video, and I just can't do it!! You know, the dance she does during the chorus? In 5 inch heals? Maybe that's my problem: flat feet.

Mike: I'm so sorry.

Me: I know, right? I wouldn't think that it would be so hard, but I guess I'm just not cut out to be a Lady Gaga dancer...

Mike: Ally, stop it. You can be anything you want to be. You are amazing. Keep at it, and your dreams will come true.

Me: That's quite possibly the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Mike: Well, I mean it. And once you learn the dance... you can teach it to me.

So THIS is a goal that he's behind 100 percent, but the whole Mariska Hargitay (MARISKA HARGITAY!!!) crime fighting turtle thing was just too "out there".

Sometimes, I just don't understand him.

Fighter

I learned something today.

When you send out a tweet or status update about attacking people, soon all you can do is think about attacking people.

I sent this out this afternoon:

Woman across from me at coffee shop has her pepper spray on the table. My plans to attack her have been destroyed. Today is a total waste.

Followed by this tweet 5 minutes later:

Not that I *wanted* to attack anyone, but now it's a little sad that the option isn't even there... #atleastImakemyselflaugh

And now it's been half an hour and I've spent the whole time staring at people wondering if I could take 'em out in a fight.

(I blame this on the fact that I just re-read The Twilight Saga (again) and have super strong vampires on the brain, and therefore wish that *I* was super strong... and possibly a vampire... shut up.)

(PS: IloveEdwardCullenOhMyGOD.)

(Don't tell Mike that... he's fairly annoyed with my undying love for a fictional vampire whose biggest fault is that he cares too much.)

(... MUST FOCUS...)

I have come to the conclusion that the majority of the patrons here would probably overtake me. Except for that 5 year old over there crying because his mom won't get him a cupcake (bitch)... or that dude in the over-sized cowboy hat. Either would probably be a fair match in a fight.

Maybe I should start putting my pepper spray on the table? And nunchucks... and at least one ninja throwing star (two would be tacky).

Then that 5 year old wouldn't stand a chance.

(Word of advice? Don't listen to Lady Gaga in public. It makes you dance and then your lethal aura is totally screwed. No amount of nunchucks and throwing stars can make up for a Lady Gaga performance (no matter how kick ass it is) in public.)

(I'm pretty sure no vampire would make that mistake.)

(You think I'm a loser for listening to Lady Gaga? Come on over here... I'll show you my nunchucks up close.)

(That was mean... if you're reading this blog I wouldn't attack you. I love you.)

(Wait?! I'm not a loser for loving Lady Gaga, but I am one for being madly in love obsessed appropriately interested in Twilight? I will DESTROY YOU.)

(Wow. That was totally uncalled for. I'm so, so sorry... sorta.)

(I think the five year old and the guy in the cowboy hat are plotting against me... or it's the caffeine affecting my judgment... hard to tell.)

(Or maybe they like my Poker Face performance? I think I need to leave.)

Lady Gaga |MTV Music

One of *Those* Days

I had some very simple goals today.

Get up, get dressed, work at a coffee shop, and go grocery shopping for a nice dinner.

(We're having a nice dinner because JIM AND PAM ARE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT!!)

(Yes, I realize that I'm cooking in celebration of the marriage between a fictional couple but ohmygodit'sJimandPam'swedding!!)

(Moving on.)

So I went to a coffee shop, unloaded my stuff, and went to buy a hot chocolate with... my forgotten wallet.

I forgot my god damn wallet.

So I re-packed my stuff and drove home and got my god damn wallet.

Then I went back and drank my hot chocolate and worked for a couple of hours, and then I went to the grocery store.

I walked in, grabbed my wallet, and grabbed my... non-existent grocery list.

I lost the god damn grocery list.

So I stood in the corner and tried to remember everything that I need for tonight.

Chicken? Check.

Veggies? Check.

Milk? Check.

Hot chocolate because wow it's cold outside? Check.

I got it all, came home and looked at the recipe and... got back in the car because I forgot a god damn key ingredient.

But, being the positive gal that I am, I decided it was a blessing because I also forgot to get my Count Chocula.

(Very important diet staple, people.)

So I went in, got the key ingredient for my celebration dinner of a fictional marriage and... they were out of Count Chocula.

The hell? It's OCTOBER, store! You know? The month of HALLOWEEN! It's the prime season for Vampire related chocolate-y-marshmallow-y goodness!

Seriously?!?!

So I got the Magically Delicious variety of dried marshmallow cereal instead...

(Maybe I'll pour some of that hot chocolate mix in there?)

Now I am home and in my comfy pants because, let's face it, it's where I'm obviously supposed to be.

PS: Bonnie was far too excited to see me in my comfy pants. She's just finished her 37th lap around the house all while thinking (I assume) "Mama's home! First she left! Then she came back! Then she left! Then she came back! Then she left! Then she came back! And now she's in comfy pants so she must be staying and it's so exciting because ohmygod I missed her!!" That, or she's high.

PPS: No, I don't get my dog high, you psycho. I'm just saying that it's a possibility since she's acting all crazy excited. If she is high it's totally not my fault... I blame the media.

PPPS: While driving to the store for the second time I realized that Bonnie's Halloween costume is a bee... which is sad. That's sorta like dressing a kid who's allergic to peanuts... as a peanut...

PPPPS: Yes, the dogs have Halloween costumes. Bonnie has a wildly inappropriate bee costume and Hannah has a flower costume... We. Are. Awesome.

Yes, I do Write Letters to my Dogs

Dear dogs,

The other day we went for a walk, and you did really well.

You didn't freak out when that old dog who sleeps in his front yard barked at you because you were within 27 feet of his territory.

And you didn't try to eat any bees.

(Can you say "progress"?)

Of course, you did start to freak out when that old man was walking several yards behind us, because you were JUST NOT HAPPY he was there.

But that's okay, because it's good to have you protect me.

And then you were all excited because you got to see Grandma and Grandpa because you love them and they give you those big bones that we don't let you have anymore at home because the vet told us you were c-h-u-b-b-y.

But then... we were driving home and there was a tiny little dog in the car next to us at a stop light and you...

ATTACKED THE DOOR.

Seriously??? WTF, girls?

-Mama

PS: Yesterday you gave me your famous sad eyes and forced me to take you out in the rain to roll around in the grass.

I will be expecting my "Mama of the Year" plaque any day now.

Laugh

After I spoke at my grandmother's memorial two weeks ago, I was approached by several people who all said the same thing:

"You should do stand-up comedy."

I know... it's a weird thing for someone to say to the granddaughter of the deceased. But I guess I was flattered.

I managed to make people laugh during a pretty shitty situation, and that's always cause for celebration, huh?

But I didn't stand up there intending to make people laugh. My grandma was just a funny person (the woman wrote jokes in her will, people), and so I just spoke about what I thought she'd want to hear.

(Which just happens to include telling everyone in the room to vote Democrat, because if they didn't, she'd know.)

I could say a lot more about the past two or three weeks... but it's just not gonna happen.

The Importance of Good Goals

The other day Mike and I were watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and I decided to explain to Mike that one of my favorite names of all time is Mariska Hargitay.

Seriously, say it.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

MARISKA HARGITAY!!

Don't you feel awesome?

I believe that now is the time to tell all of you (including an representatives of Ms. Hargitay, because they totally read my blog) that I do not have any unnatural feelings for or against the actual Mariska Hargitay.

Just her name.

Really, I'm not a stalker.

So I'm telling Mike that Mariska Hargitay is a great name and really we should get some sort of pet and name it Mariska Hargitay.

Like a goldfish... or a ferret... or a TURTLE.

Then I went through a whole scenario where we live in our house with Bonnie, Hannah, and Mariska Hargitay the Turtle. We spend our days lounging around, feeding Mariska Hargitay the Turtle lettuce leaves and telling Hannah to "PUT MARISKA HARGITAY DOWN!!"

Then I told Mike about how I've been reading a lot of blog posts about the importance of goals, and how one of them suggested writing your goals down as a statement with a date, rather than a desire with no set time. This means that instead of saying "I want to eat 37 hot dogs in an hour", you say "In July 2013 I have eaten 37 hot dogs in an hour".

SO, I told Mike that this seemed like a good idea, so I have a turtle named Mariska Hargitay in December 2011.

(Christmas present, anyone?)

Then Mike told me to shut up and watch the rest of the show.

Well, THEN I saw one of those police officers break down a door with one of those long door-breaker-downer-thingys (technical term) and decided that I wanted to do that. So I have a door-breaker-downer-thingy in 2o12.

THEN I started thinking that it would be REALLY cool if we had a turtle named Mariska Hargitay who fought crime. So I came up with a whole scenario where I would break down the doors and then send in Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and we would play the theme song from Law and Order and we would be FAMOUS.

THEN I started thinking that we probably shouldn't be fighting any really scary criminals because in all honesty Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and I wouldn't be the *fastest* of crime fighting teams.

(And that's not necessarily because Mariska Hargitay the Turtle would be the slower of the two of us.)

So I decided that we will need a niche in the crime fighting world. And that niche should be to go after people with unpaid parking tickets. But even those people have the potential to be scary. So we're going to go after people with unpaid parking tickets who are addicted to marijuana, because, really, what's more harmless to me and a turtle than stoners who don't pay their parking tickets.

(Why yes, I am a genius.)

So, in September of 2014 (I figure we need some time to train), Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and I are breaking down doors to fight criminals who have not paid their parking tickets and who are high.

There's really nothing more important than goals.