Fit or Fail: Squats are not for Sissies Edition

Mike decided that he would try the same strength moves as me.

The moves that caused me to waddle around like a broken down duck for a week straight.

When we did the squats, push-ups, and other death moves, Mike said that he was surprised that it was so difficult, but he seemed to do okay.

But soon...

HE was the one with the waddle.

HE was the one who almost threw up his protein shake.

HE was the one who whimpered every time he bent down to fill up the dog's water bowl.

(Though he did get over it much faster than me... and honestly, he didn't bitch NEARLY as much... and then he went and climbed a mountain...but still...)

And even though I would NEVER wish that pain on the man I love... it still felt kinda awesome.

In other news, I've continued the same workout program as last week and I'm getting better. I'm still sore, but not immobile. I'm sure it will get worse once I add weight and different moves, but for now I'm happy I can get into my car without weeping.

Selective Hearing

Over the last few days I've thought that there's something wrong with Bonnie.

She's been shaking her head, scratching her ears, and not coming in the house when I call her.

I cleaned out her ears, but none of the gunk that comes with ear infections was there.

I asked Mike if something was wrong with her.

She was sitting on the back of couch (where she is NOT allowed), staring outside, head perked up and eyes darting over the street, guarding her precious house.

"Bonnie?"

No response.

"Bonnie!"

No response.

Uh-oh. What do we do with a deaf dog? Can I teach her sign language? Are there classes for dogs like this?

Then a dog (three houses away) barked.

And Bonnie jumped off the back of the couch and outside, barking and growling the whole way.

She heard THAT just fine.

So yeah... she doesn't need sign language... she needs obedience lessons... damn dog.

Fit or Fail: Open Letter Edition

Dear Muscles,

What did I ever do to you?

Yes, I've let you go soft over the years. No, I haven't used you to your fullest abilities. And maybe I haven't done my best to give you the nutrients that you need.

But, seriously.

WTF??

I decided to get you all strong and stuff, so I asked an expert what to do and he told me to get this book. And because he's an expert, I went out and got it. And read it. And did the first two workouts.

And now? I can't walk... or bend... or lift anything.

Although it would be easy to blame said expert, or said book, I am going to say that it's not their fault.

It's YOUR fault, muscles.

You have conspired against me. You hate me. You have decided that I am some evil dictator in a world war and so you are going to take me down from the inside out (sort of like that Nazi Tom Cruise played... with the eye patch...).

You are trying to kill me.

(I'm ESPECIALLY talking to you, quads!)

But, I'm not stopping. That's just what you want, and I'm not going to give in.

I'm going to keep working on you so that you get bigger, stronger, and rue the day that you tried to take me down.

So, buck up, because I could really use your help.

In extreme pain,

Ally B

**********************************************************************

Dear Book,

Might I suggest packaging this book with a heating pad, and possibly a prescription for Vicodin?

In Serious Need of Hard-Core Pain Medication,

Ally B

**********************************************************************

Dear Expert,

Thanks for the suggestion and help, but I can't help but wonder if you're actually not only a fitness expert writer, but also trained in torturing people.

If you don't watch LOST, then you won't understand why, but I think I'm going to call you Sayid.

(He's a super nice guy that just happens to be an expert in torturing enemies for information... and he's a trained killer... but otherwise, he's a real stand-up sorta dude.)

I'm just saying that I don't think you would recommend these workouts if you didn't have some other agenda...

I just don't know what you want from me.

Thankful and in Pain,

Ally B

The Winner!

I know, I know.

I took a long time to do this, but that's because I needed to get my hands on (my mother's) camera so that I could do a video blog documenting picking the winner of my first blog contest!

Below you'll find four videos of us picking a winner...

That's right.

FOUR.

For some reason, I kept pushing the "stop" button... it was instinct! And, therefore, the videos are all separate.

And some of them are only 11 seconds long...

I don't know why I kept doing that.

And I didn't realize I sounded like that.

And I know that my filming is shaky... so shut up.

(You're probably wondering why I just didn't re-shoot everything... but the process was already IN MOTION... FATE was already working... and I'm not messing with FATE... it wouldn't have been fair to the winner.)

You might as well just watch them...

Blog Contest Part I from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

This is where I realize that I've started a new video...

Blog Contest Part II from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

Classy, huh?

Blog Contest Part III from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

(I just realized that I sort of snapped "Michael grab her"... I'm sorry, Mike... you were a fabulous (and beautiful) assistant... being a director/camera woman is stressful...)

And, finally, a winner is announced!

Blog Post Part IV from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

So congratulations to Mark! I think that Hannah picked it on purpose, because Mark is one of her favorite people... and Bonnie has a major crush on him, so she probably rigged it...

Sorry about that.

You can see Mark's photoblog here.

(OH! Are you in Colorado? Are you getting married? Do you want an amazing photographer? Mark (and his partner in crime, the majestic Scott) are your best bet! Seriously... they're awesome...)

Thanks to all of you for participating. It means so much to me that you took the time to comment, to officially follow, and to just READ what I have to say.

If I could, I would give all of you a gift certificate to Amazon.

(Except not really... If I had that money, I'd put it towards a much needed iPhone...)

(But it's the thought that counts...)

Oh, and Mark, I forgot... there's one little "catch" to this little game...

You have to use the ten bucks to buy me a present...

Or buy me an iPhone...

Did I forget to mention that?

Fit or Fail: But not Really Edition

It's 11:16 PM on Sunday, and I JUST realized that I hadn't written a Fit or Fail post! So here I am... but I don't really have much to say...

I'm working on getting my workout routine turned up a notch (enter weight training) (enter pain) (enter tears), so that's a FIT...

I'm having trouble with eating only good stuff... so FAIL.

So we're one and one!

(Looking on the bright side, people...)

Other than that... we'll just have to see for this week.

Also, I am totally going to post the winner from last week's contest. I want to do it as a video (so y'all can't accuse me of cheating or being unfair... and so you can see Bonnie and Hannah's terrible haircuts), and I just borrowed a working camera, so I'll post it soon!

Otherwise, since this is so lame... here:



You're welcome...

Bandits (Now with Bad Haircuts)

Our dogs are mutants.

Freaks of nature.

Apparently capable of things that we didn't think canine-ly possible.

We left the dogs alone for eight hours last weekend and I totally expected to find certain items out of place.

It's common enough to find a blanket outside or a coat lying on the floor when we leave the dogs by themselves for an extended period of time.

I get it. They're pissed.

But we did NOT expect to come home and find the doors wide open to both bedrooms.

Nor did we expect to find the dog beds shoved under our bed, clothes from the third shelf of the closet shoved under my hamper, or my slippers wedged between the wall and the dresser.

We also didn't expect to find a Costco pack of toilet paper torn open and all of the rolls thrown under the desk in our guest room. Or the rug in that room pushed into a corner, even though it had 45 pounds worth of weights on it.

No... all of this was a complete shock.

(So much so that Mike worried that we had been robbed. I pointed out that all of our possessions were still there, and that I doubt there's a criminal on the loose re-arranging dog furniture.)

But even MORE shocking. Coming home the next night (after far less time alone) to the door to the bedroom open, even though there was a TERRIFYING vacuum cleaner in front of it.

Or coming home last night to the door open (and dog beds rearranged) even after we left an elaborate blockade which included one hamper, an ottoman, a mop, and a broom...

So I can't help but picture that scene in Jurassic Park when the woman's like, "The raptors can't get out, unless they learned how to open doors" - and then it jumps to the raptor OPENING THE FUCKING DOOR!!

(I hid behind the couch the first time I ever saw that scene and I still fight the urge to do so again.)

So, yeah. Our dogs are EVOLVING.

(Since they don't destroy anything while they're in the bedroom, we've just decided to just leave the damn door open when we leave. They OBVIOUSLY have something very important to do in that room, so we might as well try and save the door (which now has a fair amount of the paint scratched off... apparently getting the door open takes a few swipes first...).)

PS: To punish them we gave them haircuts.

PPS: It wasn't punishment, it was just their summer hair cutting time.

PPPS: But it might as well have been punishment because we are not groomers and our dogs now look like: A) They have mange, B) We let them groom each other, or C) They've had a run-in with a weed-whacker. I told them that even when the other neighborhood dogs laugh and point they should hold their little bald heads high.

PPPPS: You have less than twenty hours to enter the contest for a gift certificate to Amazon.com. So you better get on that...

I am Not Above Bribing You

We're going to play a game.

And it is going to be awesome.

(Well... not really, but let's be enthusiastic, yes?)

I have a TEN DOLLAR gift certificate to Amazon.com that I am going to give to one of my readers.

Yes. You read that right.

TEN DOLLARS.

TEN BIG ONES.

TEN. AMERICAN. DOLLARS.

(I know ten dollars isn't a lot, but it's all I have, so shut up and enjoy.)

TEN DOLLARS TO AMAZON.COM!!

Woo-hoo!

So, instead of using this AMAZING gift for myself, I'm giving it to one of you. But you have to work for it.

Each time you do one of the following things you are entered to win the gift card. The more things you do, the better chance you have.

Ready?

First, follow this site (officially). You do this by clicking the "follow" button in that Google box thingy over there →.

(You need a Google, Yahoo, AIM, NetLog, or OpenID username and password to do this. If you don't have any of these accounts, and don't want to sign up for one, then email me at allyb [at] allybspeakin [dot] com and tell me, and we'll figure something out.)

If you're already a follower, you're already entered once. (But you'll totally want to do these other things so that you can have better odds, right? Right.)

Second, leave a comment on this post (read this if you don't know how to do that). The comment can be about anything, but sending me notes about how awesome I am will get you bonus points.

(Not official bonus points... hypothetical bonus points that actually mean nothing.)

Oh, and don't leave an anonymous comment because I won't be able to contact you if you win!

Third, you can follow me on Twitter: @AllyBSpeakin.

(If you're already following me on Twitter, say so in your comment and I'll enter you for that.)

(If you're not on Twitter... tough luck.)

Sound great? Yeah, I know it does.

(Again, I know ten dollars isn't a lot, but it's all I have to bribe you all to actually follow/comment/tweet me.)

SO, if you follow me here and then leave a comment and then follow me on Twitter you will be entered THREE times to win!

This contest ends on Friday, May 29th, at noon (Mountain Time, because I'm in charge).

So go forth and show this blog some love.