Are you There, Zeus? It's me, Ally B

Dear Zeus,

So, I know that I've been complaining a lot about it being freezing and all. And I understand that you may have been a little upset about my whining, but seriously, dude, what is up with the wind?

Really?!?!

Is it totally necessary to send hurricane force winds down on Boulder that causes my patio furniture to fly across the backyard?

Is it totally necessary to make it so windy that the dog door flips open so far that a small child could crawl through off of the street?

(This is my biggest fear about having a dog door. Not that a raccoon, coyote, fox, mountain lion, or burglar will crawl into the house. Nope. Small needy children scare me the most.)

And do you really have to make it so windy that I can't sleep without bolting upright every hour because the neighbors trashcans are being thrown against their wall outside of my bedroom window?

I have had enough wind to last me another year. While we were in NZ, you send a crazy-ass-hurricane down on us when we stayed in Milford Sound.

Sleeping in the parking lot of a campground, in a very unstable RV, in said hurricane was, like, the worst night ever!! I stayed awake all night afraid that we were going to roll over onto the car next to us and then be swept away by a flood.

(Poor Mike... I clung to him like a spider monkey the whole night whimpering...)

And so, please cut it out.

I live in Boulder, Colorado, not Kansas.

My name is Ally B, not Dorothy.

I have no desire to wake up in Oz... even if it is in Technicolor.

And I would like to be able to drive down the highway without fear of another truck bed flying through the air at oncoming traffic.

(Seriously. It happened today. Saw my life flash before my eyes.)

So, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, please quit it. The wind does NOTHING for anyone... and I will sleep better knowing no babies will be crawling into my house.

Sincerely yours,

Ally B Hatin' the Wind

PS: Feel free to send a new puppy through the dog door, though. Just take some precautionary steps to make sure Bonnie doesn't eat it before I wake up.

(Picture from seemikedraw.wordpress.com)

Quote from a New Vampire

From You Suck: A Love Story by Christopher Moore (2007).

"I'll always be the same?"
"Yes."
"Just like I am now?"
"As far as I know," Jody said.
"But I was going to start working out. I was going to be buff. I was going to have abs of steel."
"No, you weren't."
"I was. I was going to be an awesome hunk of muscular man-meat."
"No, you weren't. You wanted to be a writer. You were going to have little stick arms and get winded when you hit the back-space key more than three times consecutively..."
...
"What about the writer thing? Will my brain always be like this? I mean, will I get any smarter, or is that stuck in time, too?"
"Well, yeah, but that's because you're a man, not because you're a vampire." (pg 8)

I feel like this is the type of conversation Mike and I would have if we were to join the undead.

A Christmas Story

Ally B went to a very busy store on Christmas Eve Eve.

She didn't want to go, because said store has a TERRIBLE parking lot, and it being Christmas Eve Eve, Ally B did not want to deal with the parking lot from hell and about 40 billion people Christmas and Hanukkah shopping at said store.

But a Christmas present needed to be gotten, as it was for Lightning Legs, and she would be sad if Ally B did not brave the hellish parking lot and throngs of people.

And because Ally B is selfless (sometimes), she went.

(Ally B also didn't want Lightning Legs to keep Ally B's present as ransom... so it just made good sense to get it... I said I was only selfless sometimes.)

Ally B went to the store with a note in hand from Kevin. It had the product name written out, so Ally B decided to just ask for help rather than wander around the store like a lost puppy for a good hour before caving and asking for help.

She approached not one, but two salesmen having a conversation, and politely interrupted them:

Ally B: I need help.

Salesman 1: What do you need.

AB: I need a Footprint for a two person Hubbaxll tent, please.

S1 looks to Salesman 2 and rolls his eyes. S2 does the same.

S1: A what?

AB: A footprint.

S1: Yeah, I got that... but a Hubbaxll?

AB: Oh I'm sorry, is it pronounced Hubb-uh-xll?

S1: Um... (looks to S2, who is busy trying not to laugh).

AB: Here. (I show him the note, which clearly says Hubbaxll).

S1: Do you mean a Hubba Hubba?

AB: I don't know. (I mean seriously, if I knew that that's what I meant, would I really put myself through all of this?)

S1: Well, I'm guessing that it's a Hubba. How many people in the tent, three?

AB: No, two. (It was the one thing that I actually got right, and he couldn't even remember... sheesh.)

S1: Oh! Maybe the note means "Hubba times 2".

AB: Oh! How smart you are! That's exactly what my crazy boyfriend wrote! Thank you for clearing that up! (OK, I didn't say that... I think I said: Oh, thanks.)

S2 is laughing hysterically in the background. I'm so glad that I could bring him some Christmas joy.

S1: We're out of it.

So I went through all of that just to have to go get a crappy gift certificate so Lightning Legs can go get it herself.

And if you think that it was a rookie mistake to not clearly see that the note said Hubba x II... I kept the note as evidence.

And now for a really fascinating, albeit morbid, music video. I think that I'll practice dancing while lying down... I wonder if Wii has a game for that...

Adele |MTV Music

Clarify

I have a real post that I'm working on, but first:

I'm sorry about the whole Comment Moderator thing. It just means that when someone comments, I get an email that shows me the comments and then allows me to "publish" or "reject" it.

I had to do it because I was getting some really weird comments that didn't really make sense (I suspect aliens... or Bonnie), and rather than deleting them after the fact, I've decided to review them.

When you comment, there is a notice that comes up at the top of the page: Your comment has been saved and will be visible after blog owner approval.

So, as long as your comment makes sense or isn't really mean, I'll publish it.

You just have to be patient...

Introducing...

I hope all of you had a loverly holiday.

I sure did! We got to have two Christmas mornings, ate lots of food, and got some AWESOME stuff from Santa!!

And I would now like to introduce you to my new bestest friend:

Say hello to my new new MacBook Air: Edward. 

(Yes, he is named after this Edward... and yes, I am crazy... and no, I don't care!)

He's smooth, sleek, shiny, and oh so sexy.

He's also smart, sophisticated, and cool.

Of course, I have NO FREAKIN IDEA how to use the stupid thing.

I just don't get it.

But he's pretty, so that's really all that matters.

I'll probably figure him out sometime soon, but Edward is a complicated fellow, and it's going to take a little while to get to know him.

So we'll see how that goes.

I did get him a pretty case today.

(This thing is so thin I feel like I might snap it in half, so I went and got it protection asap.  Plus, I love me my accessories.)

It's purple, of course, because Edward deserves to have the most beautiful things.

But the Apple Store is kinda a stupid place.  They had seven thousand people walking around to "help", but the minute I said that I wanted to pay cash, they suddenly weren't able to accommodate me.  Apparently people who pay cash are worthless, and so they have ONE cash register.  And it's in the back corner, probably to keep us lowlifes out of view from those paying with credit.

And when I was finally able to get to the back corner where only really sad people go, I had to wait there for a good twenty minutes while the guy in front of me paid for an IPhone in small bills.

So, Edward and I are a little miffed at the Apple Store infrastructure, to say the least, but at least he is clothed in purple plushness.  

Beauty is key, baby.

My Gift to You...

Frozen on the Sun

I don't really mind the cold... that much... I guess.

No, what I mind is when the sun is shining, and it looks all pleasant, but it's only 20 degrees outside.

I believe, that if it's going to be so freakin cold, it might as well be cloudy, at the very least.

I don't need snow or rain, I would just appreciate it if it didn't look all pretty and lovely outside, thus luring me out to take the doggies for a w-a-l-k.

See, even though I can look online and see that, yes, it's below freezing, Bonnie assumes that the sun being out means that we should be out and about and tearing up the town. And like a sucker who is wrapped around her tiny little paw, I fall for it, and think maybe it's not actually that cold outside... the sun will make it warmer...

So we set out, and it wasn't terrible... at first.

Then I started to loose feeling in my fingers and toes.

And then the wind started ripping through my clothes and making my whole torso shake like a leaf.

So we hauled it to the ROCK OF GOD, and I let the girls make doggie angels in the snow while I tried to thaw out my thumbs (stupid me, I didn't wear gloves because I assumed that the sun would keep them from turning black and falling off).

Then we booked it back to the house, and I've been hiding under a couple of blankets all day.

No, first I had to wrap the rest of the Christmas presents. Of course, I'm out of wrapping paper and tape, so I had to use newspaper, duct tape, and one of those huge black trash bags that you use for yard work and stuff (it's a pretty big and odd shaped gift...). And I had to wrap them well, because Mike informed me that he has no problem peeking.

Of course, how did he wrap my gift?

He kept the thing in the shipping box, wrapped duct tape around it a dozen times, and left it on the kitchen counter.

And he didn't even have the decency to cover up the big, bold letters on the back that say COAT CARRIER.

Hmm... I wonder what Santa will be bringing me this year...

(OK, that's not completely fair... I actually picked the coat out... but still, is there no such thing as mystery anymore?)