Does this Hard Hat Make me Look Fat?

I told some people at work a little story, and I have decided to share it with the masses. (That's you).

Kayla is a sweet Kansas girl that I went to Vegas with. When she first got to Colorado we all went out to eat at the California Pizza Kitchen (I got the BBQ Chicken Pizza, with no Chicken). She was telling us about a recent conference she attended for her job as a tax auditor.

I know what you are thinking: "How exciting can a conference for tax auditors be?"

Well, apparently it's quite the party. Especially when it comes to the activities they were able to partake in between all of the conferencing about the taxes.

One such activity, and the focus of my little story, was a trip to the Kansas Underground Salt Mine Museum.

I know... wow... I now want to be a tax auditor, too.

She said that you had to go into an elevator shaft, in the dark, down 600 feet into the Earth's core.

I can already feel Mom hyperventilating.

You also have to have emergency oxygen with you at all times, and then you take little golf carts through the mine to the museum area.

Now, all of this sounds interesting enough. Hell, even educational. But then she told me the best part:

Kayla: Yeah, it's one of the 8 Wonders of Kansas.
Me: *Pause* *Swallow Chicken BBQ without the Chicken Pizza* Wait... there are 8 Wonders in Kansas?
Kayla: I guess so.
Me: The freakin' world only has 7... how the hell did Kansas, of all places, get 8??

Kayla and Jeannie then tried to figure out what the 8 could be. There is, obviously, the Giant Ball of Twine, as well as the Garden of Eden and the "In Cold Blood House" (creepy), plus a really big barn in their home town of Colby...

That salt mine was starting to sound pretty darn cool.

Then Kayla said the next thing:

Kayla: They were really excited because they'd just had their first wedding there.
Me: *Pause* *Choke on piece of Chicken BBQ without the Chicken Pizza* You're kidding me.
Kayla: Nope, they hold wedding receptions... it's in their brochure.
Me: Where? In the mine itself.
Kayla: Yeah, in the museum part. There's even a dance floor.

OK, first of all, I want you to know that Kayla and Jeannie, as proud of their home state as they are, were just as shocked about all of these things as I was, and thought it all just as ridiculous... they are semi-normal.

But who the hell has their wedding in a salt mine 600 feet underground?

How do you write an invitation for that?

Please join us for the joyous wedding ceremony of Billy Bob Joe and Betty Joe Bob. RSVP necessary, as we need to know how many trips the elevator shaft must make. Oh, and hard hats required... we provide emergency oxygen tanks.

If the meal is bland, can you just walk over to the wall and scrape off some extra salt?

I guess it's better than having your reception at the In Cold Blood House.

I told Mike we should put our name on the list... and see the other 7 wonders for our honeymoon.

Don't worry, Mom, we'll get you a paper bag that will match your dress.

Here's a link to all of the 8 Wonders of Kansas, and notice that the Giant Ball O' Twine is a runner-up... shocker it didn't beat the "Big Well".

One for Ma

I am all alone for lunch today, so I am here, posting my lonliness on the world wide web.

A couple of days ago my mom asked me to post about a specific topic that pisses her off. The only reason that I have agreed to do so is because this issue also pisses me off.

She came around the corner looking all angry, and said "Will you please blog about idiots who talk on their cell phone in the bathroom?"

Well, sure, ma.

I hate idiots who talk on their cell phone in the bathroom. Maybe not to the extent as Mom, who sat there flushing the toilet a few extra times to bug the person in the next stall having the offensive conversation (passive aggressive, are we?).

It is annoying, though, to be in a public bathroom, minding my own business, and hear someone in the next stall doing her buisness, while chatting about last night's episode of CSI: Miami.

I mean really, is the conversation so important that you cannot wait the 2 minutes to call back?

Does the person on the other end really not care that you are on the freakin toilet while talking to them?

Plus, public bathrooms tend to echo. Those little stall doors are in no way sound proof. In fact, I would argue that the tile and porcelin causes sounds (and conversations) to be louder.

The bathroom is a place of privacy, but, let's face it, there is nothing really that private about an echoing room with doors that have two foot gaps on the bottom and top. It's only private in one's own home... and even then it creeps me out when people talk on the phone while doing... stuff... on the toilet.

If you want to make a phone call, go somewhere else... as long as it's not the stall next to me (or Mom).

I bet this person also talks in the bathroom. Grr...

I'm getting really excited for Greece. I just want to go go go!! I feel like it's hard to really start planning out my life-post-WOG before I go. I keep getting distracted thinking about the beach and the city and the food... mmm... food.

Mike said that he is going to shave the dogs today. He keeps saying that the girls better sit still, otherwise they will be the stupid ones walking around with only a few shaved streaks down their backs.

I informed him that I don't think that the girls will see it the same way.

He said that Bonnie is very into her looks. Hannah is more of a free spirit, so she'd probably think that she was being "progressive" or something.

I think Hannah and Bonnie will be scared to death of the crazy noise making monster giving them bald spots...

But that may just be a difference in opinions... only time will tell.

Lunch is over soon...

And I'm still hungry.

I will Blind you with my Awesomness

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been tired and uninspired.

What's happened over the last few days?

Well, for one thing, Kung Fu Panda kicks ass. It was flippin' fantastic.

Another thing... work is hard. It's hard to sit in one place all the live long day. But, at the end of the week, it feels pretty cool to see all of those hours on my time card. It will feel even cooler seeing my paycheck on Friday. Plus, I am working my way toward a fun time in Greece. I mean, making money equals not sleeping in the dumpster in Athens or having to ride a piece of rubbish across the ocean to Crete... although that would make a cool blog entry.

It is weird to think that this work thing is what my life will be for the next three or four decades.

And it's also kind of depressing.

I went shopping with J and J yesterday. We were walking, and this cute little boy saw us and jumped/fell of a bench and ran over to me. He smiled, and grabbed me around the knees and gave me a big hug.

I'm thinking he thought I was someone else, like his aunt or sister or something, but it's still nice to get hugged by a toddler with a huge smile on his face.

Today we went on a bike ride. I almost died.

But I am proud of myself. I was ready to quit about 13 minutes into it, but decided to push myself. So Mike asked me what my goal was, and we decided to make it all the way to the Kohn's house. It took forever, especially because I was in gears 1:1 and moving at a snails pace... but I did it!

I collapsed on the front lawn as soon as we got there. A little while later, Dave came out of the garage with a dolly and asked if I wanted to hop on so he could roll we into the house.

Thanks, Dave.

Dave and Mike then decided to come up with the most logical way to get to the Big House by bike.

I finally broke up their little pow-wow by telling them that there was no way that I was going to ride my broken butt all the way to the Big House. Grr...

So we drove there instead.

We got the girls, got Joey Carrillo, and headed to the Big House for a play date. The street lights were out all along Valmont Road, so we decided to be good Samaritans and call the Boulder PD. Mike told them that there was no emergency, but all of the street lights were out. She told him that they were aware of the issue... and then hung up on him.

So much for being thankful for awesome citizens like us.

The power was also out at the Big House. This means that when I went to have a relaxing read in the massage chair... it was just a stupid regular chair. No nice massage. Only stupid chair...

Tonight we went to Rincon Del Sol. It was fun, as it always is to eat with my parents. They are funny people. Dad looked up the words to the theme to Mr. Ed.

It's now stuck in my head... of course.

Short and Sweet

I love my family.

They are weird and hilarious and sweet and inappropriate and wonderful.

We had family dinner tonight. We haven't had a family dinner, just the four of us, in a really long time. It's fun to laugh with them, and eat really good food (thanks mom), and feel loved.

I really cannot think of anything else to say...

I have to go take a nap because me and the boys are going to a midnight showing of Kung Fu Panda.

I'm a pathetic child and can't stay up that late.

I'm not really sure why we are, but I'm sure it will be a blast.

I'm too Sexy for my Yard Work

A couple of days ago I was mowing the lawn, because I don't need no stinkin man.

Anywho, I was mowing, and all of these people were staring at me as they drove/walked/skateboarded/biked/ran by. I was wondering why they were staring at me.

And I mean really staring at me. Like, watching me as they pulled up, and then continuing to watch me as they sat at the light, and then still watching me as they turned the corner.

It was weird.

Now, it was pretty obvious to me, as I'm sure it is to you all, why this was happening.

All of these people were drawn to me because of my intense and amazing beauty. My looks must have been calling- no, screaming to these poor, helpless folks.

Especially with sweat dripping down my face and my stained t-shirt and tree branches sticking out of my hair (the tree attacked me while I was trying to mow under it).

Then I thought, "well maybe it's not my beauty".

Then I was thinking that maybe something was wrong with me. Like a big booger or a big rip in the back of my shorts.

I checked... multiple times... and nothing.

Is it because I'm a girl mowing the lawn? Well, that would be stupid.

It must be the beauty.

When I mow the lawn, I have trouble being pretty about it. By this I mean that I have trouble making the lawn all even and nice looking while I do it.

There's always a lot of those silly little long grasses that end up all alone after I do a strip with the mower. Or I mean to do a straight line, and end up with some sort of zig-zag design on the lawn.

In fact, I ended up with a big circle in the middle of the lawn... and no clue how it got there.

It was some sort of crop circle thingy... I blame aliens.

Sex and the Stupid Lady

I saw Sex and the City: The Movie today, and it was pretty awesome. It was cheesy, overdone, and cliche; but lots of sweet fun.

I went by myself, which was actually kind of fun. I was the first in the theater, and got that perfect seat: in front of the railing, dead center, with no seat in front of me, and the railing to rest my feet on.

I was sitting there, reading, when a single guy in his early 40s (I would guess) walked in by himself and sat behind me. He was making little small talk, which was nice. He asked lots of questions, like who my favorite character is (Big), and if I've seen every episode (yes), and if I've read the book (yes).

He was in Paris on the 28th, which is the day that the movie was released in France. He said that he tried to go see it open, but said the line was around the block an hour before the show. So he decided to just see it open in Boulder. When he showed up an hour early to that show, though, it was sold out. So, he went to the first showing today.

He spent the whole time acting like he wasn't really a fan... just curious.

I didn't buy it... but I think that it's cool that he was there, by himself, because he enjoyed it.

Then there was the bitch next to me.

There were maybe 30 people in this whole, big theater. I'm lounging in my perfect seat, and this woman, alone, with her large popcorn, sits down in the seat right next to me.

There were at least 6 seats to my right and 7 seats to my left, and this woman chooses to sit right next to me. I was practically lying in that seat, and she just sat there. I thought that it was weird. I mean, we're in the United States here. We don't like that kind of closeness with strangers.

At least I don't. At least when it's totally not necessary.

And she chewed really loudly, which just added insult to stupidness.

Then I came home and worked out.

My workout guy gave me a killer routine, and told me not to throw up.

I didn't, but I wanted to. I don't hurt... yet. But I should be strong enough to kick some major ass someday soon.

To warm up for my weights, I walked around the block for about 15 minutes. It is extremely hot today, so I put my big hat and cut-off pants on and went for my stroll.

I looked like an idiot.

Seriously. I thought that I looked cute. But I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a car window, and it's official...

I looked like an idiot.

But Mike pointed out that at least I'll be a sunspot and cancer free idiot.

I guess that is the silver lining.

Whistle While you Complain... I Mean... Work.

I've only got 8 minutes (to save the world?) before my lunch break is over.
What can I do in 8 minutes?

I know!

Complain!

You know those people who think that when they are on the phone nobody can hear them? Those people who get a personal call, in their open cubical, and talk as if they are at a rock concert and they are trying to tell a story over the screaming crowd?

We have one of those at work.

Except this time, she actually got up and went into another room. Unfortunatley, this was an empty conference room that created an echo effect when she started yelling. This meant that all of us could hear here telling a story about god knows what.

But it included the line: and he grabbed her boobs...

Um... we are still at work? Right? Isn't that a conversation that should be had... not at work. Or at least not in an echoing room that allows this whole side of the building to hear her.

I was writing something down, and I stopped, closed my eyes, and said What. The. Hell.

In other musings, a woman brought chocolate chip cookies today. BUT, these were made with whole wheat flour and applesauce in place of butter. ALAS, they are healthy for you. That knocks off two food groups right there. Three if, like me, you consider chocolate an essential part of your dietary needs.

Uh-oh... one more minute left and I haven't found a picture... better get some more health cookies and start posting.

I have offensive loud telephone calls to pretend to ignore for the remainder of my day...