Ally B Speakin

Reverb 10: It's Not (Just) Because I'm Lazy

2010-12-07T15:49:00.002-07:00

I've been missing the last couple of days, which has really put a damper on this whole "post everyday" thing.

The truth is, I haven't been very inspired about the prompts. They're incredibly introspective, and I have a wall built around me when it comes those things. It's not that they're bad prompts, just that they're not making me excited to write.

Plus, I've got this crazy thing called a job.

(!)

And I'm applying for this other crazy thing called graduate school.

And I have a class that I'm about four chapters behind in (and hey! finals are next week).

So, if I'm going to put time and energy into a post, I'm going to want to be in love with the topic.

I'm going to want to feel the need, the desire, and the pull to write.

And so, if I'm moved to answer one of the prompts, then I shall. If not?

Well... I'll be curled up in the corner, trying to survive the holiday season in retail and my academic induced panic attacks.

(Please: send me pretty things.)

Reverb 10: Wonder

2010-12-04T18:06:00.003-07:00

December 4: Wonder

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

In the last few months, I've allowed myself to wonder.

About the future.

About what's next.

About what I want/need/can see myself doing.

I've returned to school. I'm learning new things. I'm going to keep it up.

It felt good to wonder.

And it feels good to begin to act on it.

Reverb 10: Moment

2010-12-03T22:22:00.003-07:00

I wanted to go to bed and write today's Reverb 10 post tomorrow. My head is feeling stuffy, my body aches from being on my feet all day, and I've got a very fluffy pillow in my eye line.

BUT.

I realized that today's prompt doesn't need to be long. It doesn't need a lot of description (even though it explicitly asks for it).

It just needs to be answered.

Short, sweet, to the point.

December 3: Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year.

Describe it in vivid detail (textures, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Hospital waiting room, surrounded by people who care about my family, waiting waiting waiting.

My mom is out. She's doing great. And so now we're waiting for the BIG NEWS.

The BIG ANSWER.

The phone rings. My aunt answers. It's the nurse in the operating room.

"The kidney is in, and it's working perfectly."

Reverb 10: Writing

2010-12-02T16:47:00.007-07:00

It's Day 2 of the Reverb 10 project and I'm still doing it. I deserve a cookie.

December 2: Writing.

What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?

(DISCLAIMER: I fully intended to write about why this question is bullshit and ended up answering the stupid fucking thing. Touche, Reverb 10 team. You sneaky little ninjas.)

I'm looking at this prompt from two different perspectives. If the question is asking, "What do you do that doesn't contribute to your story", then my answer is EVERYTHING contributes to the story, and nothing should be eliminated.

HOWEVER, I didn't take the prompt that way at first. I've taken it to be asking what it is we do that keeps us from physically writing each day. You might take it differently. I'm just making that clear up front because it's important to have context before reading my overly dramatic rant that follows.

******************

It seems like most of the participants of Reverb 10 aren't happy with this prompt.

And I'm one of them.

I think that my first problem with it is that it assumes that we're all writers or want to be writers. It excludes those who want to participate as a means to reflect on their year, but don't want to write on a regular basis.

Another reason I don't really like this prompt is that it's obvious. Whether we're going to admit it or not, we all know the answer.

It's us.

WE get in our own way.

WE make excuses.

And, of course, that doesn't "contribute".

We do that for EVERYTHING we want or need to do. We don't do things (whether it be writing or exercising or learning to play the ukulele) because WE come up with reasons to avoid shit.

And even if you blame it on lack of time or lack of money (ukuleles ain't free) or too much Facebook or TV, the only thing really holding you back is YOU.

So even of you take the "writing" part out of the prompt, and add something else that you should or could be doing that you don't, you're still left with the same obvious answer.

And you know what? That's ok. I don't want to write if I'm not burning with the desire to actually do it. And truth be told, I don't want to read your stuff if you were only writing it because you HAD to.

If you have the luxury of not having to do something everyday unless you really want to, enjoy it. Don't make yourself feel like shit for not doing it.

(Unless the thing holding you back is something like fear or a lack of confidence. I encourage you to try and figure that out, especially if it's holding you back from something really important, like doing the things you care about or taking risks.)

(At least that's what my ~~therapist~~ mom keeps telling me.)

So maybe some people hated this prompt because they don't want to admit that they are the reason they don't write everyday, but I don't like it because there's no variety in the answers.

Like I said, the answer is obvious.

PS: I don't expect to like every prompt. That's fine and I still love the project. BUT, rather than just answer the prompt and not express my feelings about it, or ignore it all together and just post a blurry picture of my dog holding a cereal box in her mouth (aka: my first draft), I decided to answer honestly. I'm not meaning to offend anyone or be disrespectful.

PPS: If you wrote a post today saying that you're the thing standing in the way of your writing or you're the only thing holding you back - in other words: the "obvious" answer - thank you for your honesty. I'm not trying to downplay your answer at all. The answer is obvious because it's universal, and there's nothing wrong with that. The thing I have an issue with is the actual question, not your answer.

PPPS: Does this prompt make anybody else NEVER WANT TO WRITE AGAIN? I don't understand what's happened. I should have just put that stupid picture of the dog up...

PPPPS: I just saw tomorrow's prompt. I like it a lot. My emotions and opinions are impossible to keep up with.

Reverb 10: One Word

2010-12-01T22:24:00.007-07:00

So remember last December, when I blogged every day as part of Gwen Bell's Best of 2009 Blog Challenge?

Remember how awesome that was?

Remember how it was just a handful of us at first?

Well, now it's called Reverb 10, it has its own website, and it has well over 1,000 people participating. And this time, it's not just about looking back, but also about looking forward.

How could I not do it again?

And the truth is, you should too. If you don't have a blog, do it somewhere else! Respond in a journal, post your answers on Facebook, discuss the prompts over the dinner table with your family, write it on the side of that abandoned warehouse in spray paint.

Really, it's up to you.

Read all about it here.

And now, for the first prompt, from Gwen herself:

December 1: One Word.

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word.

Now imagine it's one year from today. What would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I read the prompt at 7 AM this morning in bed. It may have been the sleep deprivation talking, but my first response was "fucking crazy". But, you know, it's not one word (unless you say it really fast: "fuckingcrazy"), and it's not very eloquent.

So I decided to change it to:

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

Important.

Important shit happened this year.

I met important people.

I made important decisions.

Important people donated/exchanged important organs.

I started flossing on a regular basis.

See? Important.

And? FuckingCrazy.

As for 2011? I sure hope it's AWESOMETASTIC because it's my favorite word and it would be awesometastic (see?) if the next year was great enough to be described as such.

So, what's your word for 2010? For 2011?

(PS: Tell me if you're doing this too, so I can ~~stalk~~ support you.)

I Like

2010-11-13T17:47:00.008-07:00

I like holding a hot cup of tea when my hands are cold.

I like to change the words to songs so that they include my dog's names.

I like to walk into my favorite coffee shop and ask the barista to make me his or her favorite drink.

I like to lie under 3 blankets instead of turning on the heat.

I like watching movies on my dad's couch.

I like to reread my favorite book series, in order, over and over.

I like hot chocolate from gas stations or football games.

I like to paint my nails with clear nail polish, just so I can pick it off.

I like to listen to sad music, even when I'm depressed, and even when I know that the sad music is making me more depressed.

I like Australian accents.

I like to think that dogs have accents. (Australian and other.)

I like to write in coffee shops, and not at home.

I like superfine tip pens.

I like dangly earrings.

I like soup with rice noodles.

I like tea with steamed milk and sweetener.

I like to have the TV on when I'm at home alone, even if I'm not watching it, because the noise and movement makes me feel more comfortable.

I like new wallets.

I like clicking the next button on my e-reader.

I like cake on a stick more than cake that's not.

I like when dogs wiggle or wag their tails so hard that they look like they might fall over.

I like when little kids giggle at stupid things.

(The last time I babysat, the kids laughed for 20 minutes when I said my shoes smelled bad.)

I like really long pants.

I like to eat the inside of breakfast burritos, but leave the tortilla.

I like flowers in bright colors.

I like wearing scarves indoors.

I like rain.

I like sleeping on the couch.

I like to watch reruns of sitcoms that I've seen 35 times.

I like pouring milk on chocolate ice cream.

I like this:

I like ordering Indian food at my mom's house.

I like vintage (or vintage looking) jewelry.

I like day planners and school supplies.

I like lying on the couch when I'm sick.

I like pomegranates, even though they stain my fingers when I eat them.

I like slipper booties.

I like women who write and sing music that's so amazing it makes my body hurt.

(There are oh so many.)

I like waking up on Christmas morning.

I like making chili when there are clouds in the sky.

I like the feeling when all of my clothes are put away from the dryer.

I like wearing sunglasses on cloudy days.

I like dancing with boys who wear glasses.

Sometimes it's nice to write what you like.

So what do you like?

And So I'm Trying

2010-10-15T13:51:00.012-06:00

(I feel the need to warn you that this is a weird post. In fact, you should probably just go read about shoes and true love and procrastination instead.)

So... What do you want to do with your life?

I hate this question.

It makes me panicky, and queasy, and

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME.

Because really,

truly,

I'm not sure.

I don't know.

And don't tell me that "nobody knows".

I've spent the past two years asking people about

what they want,

observing people when they

speak to me about their lives,

listening

to what people say when they talk about

what they love and

where they want to

go.

And the vast majority of them know. Or at least have an idea.

They have a clue.

They may not know how to get there, or have all of the specifics figured out, but the majority have a direction to go.

(I'm aware that, sadly, many of them will never get where they want to go.)

I have no direction.

I have no clue.

I am blank.

Yes, I know that I'm not

completely alone.

But this isn't about everybody else. Saying "but Ally, nobody knows" doesn't make me feel any better. That's like telling somebody who's just had a really painful root canal, "tons of people have horrifying dental surgery at some point", and expecting that to make it ok.

A few weeks ago, my mom said:

At some point, you have to move forward.

You have to make a decision.

You have to be an adult...

(Moms, right?)

I've spent the past two years
stuck.

Lost.

I've been stuck
because
I'm stuck.

[And probably because I'm scared. Of what? Not sure.]

Not because I'm lazy. Not because I don't care. Not because I want to stay a reckless, irresponsible kid.

(I've never been a reckless, irresponsible kid.)

Now, finally, I'm starting to move forward. I'm starting to push outside of my

very

comfortable

comfort zone.

And I'm trying to answer those scary questions. The WHATs and WHENs and WHEREs and WHYs that make my tummy hurt.

I'm trying not to run away from them.

I'm trying to let those scary questions, those
GROWN UP BIG GIRL decisions,
sit on my plate for awhile.

I'm not throwing them away and ignoring them as soon as they come up.

I'm trying.

Call it a quarter-life crisis if you want.

My priorities - and the people I love - are still the same.

[Those things aren't changing.]

But I suppose it's time to move forward.

To do

something.

I'm trying.

Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal

2010-10-04T13:48:00.006-06:00

Today Jenny wrote that her close friend Nancy W. Kappes passed away last week.

I met Nancy in Chicago last year, at BlogHer 2009. I was scared and overwhelmed and Nancy made me laugh so hard that I almost pulled a muscle.

She had an impact on me. She made me smile. She laughed at my jokes. She looked me in the eyes and told me I was beautiful. She offered me vodka out of a water bottle.

She made me feel like I belonged in that bathroom.

Like I belonged with those people.

She had the balls to say whatever was on her mind, even though most of it was totally fucked up and made people uncomfortable WHICH IS WHY SHE WAS AMAZING.

She was totally irreverent, completely inappropriate, and unconditionally herself.

Pretty much awesome in every way.

I feel so lucky to have spent a night with her, to have hugged her, to have politely declined heavy duty pharmaceuticals from her.

I'm so sorry for her family and friends. Someone with a personality like hers leaves a huge void.

But I want them to know that she mattered, even to lil' ol' me.

Thank you, Nancy.

Now I'm going to go get drunk and possibly partake in some Nancy W. Kappes style arts and crafts.

I suggest y'all do that too.

*For Nancy.*

Kidney A-Go-Go Preview

2010-09-13T00:01:00.001-06:00

So today my mom donates a kidney to my dad, an event we've been calling "Kidney A-Go-Go".

To read all about how this happened, please visit the blog I write with my mom, She Thinks. We have a new post up where I talk about my amazing parents and my mom talks about why she's giving a vital organ to her ex-husband.

Also, I'll be tweeting from the hospital waiting room with updates labeled #divorcedkidneys. I wanted my dad to get me some scrubs so that I could sneak into the operating room and tweet from there, but I don't think it's gonna happen. It's a total shame because I think a picture posted to Twitter of a kidney would be kind of awesome and a huge step forward for social media and journalism in general.

Alas, you'll get tweets like "My mom is totally high on anesthesia so I'm making her give me money #divorcedkidneys", and "My dad thinks having a female's kidney will make him more attractive to the ladies #divorcedkidneys", and "This waiting room is freezing and they don't get MTV and they won't give me Xanax. Fuckers. #divorcedkidneys".

Shit. Now I'm just giving my best material away.

So go read She Thinks and if you want to check in or are just curious, follow along on Twitter.

PS: I asked my parent's permission to tweet about this. They said if it would keep me out of trouble to go ahead. I think that they're underestimating me and my multitasking abilities. I can totally tweet while searching for all of the hot doctors who have gratuitous sex in the on-call room. It happens on Grey's Anatomy all the time, and since I'll have some time on my hands, I'm totally gonna find them.

PPS: My She Thinks post about this is way more heartfelt than this one. And I don't call anyone "fuckers". I know, what's the fun in that? You should still read it, though.

PPPS: Actually, feel free to skip mine, but you NEED to read my mom's. For serious.

PPPPS: I'm writing all of this the night before the surgery. Tomorrow I fully expect to be super emotional and hopefully sedated.

This is Why the Geeks Matter

2010-09-10T15:52:00.008-06:00

So I was going to write this whole post about turning 25 last week and how I said I'm in my "quarter-life crisis" and my dad said, "Ally, that's ridiculous. The chances of you living to 100 are slim, so 'quarter-life' really isn't accurate."

(Thanks, Daddy.)

And I was also going to write about how my amazing, beautiful mother will be donating her kidney to my amazing, beautiful father on Monday, September 13th. The short story: he needs a kidney, my mom has a kidney, she's been through every test you can imagine to make sure she can give said kidney, and now it's happening. Little bit more info: they're divorced, which apparently makes this whole thing weird to some people.

Want the long story? I'm totally going to be a bitch and make you wait because my mom and I are publishing it on our site, She Thinks, on the day of the surgery. SO, be sure to check out She Thinks this upcoming Monday to get my thoughts on this whole thing, and my mom's side of the story (which will probably be way more fascinating than mine). I'm also going to be tweeting from the waiting room with the hashtag #divorcedkidneys, so follow along if you're so inclined.

Which brings us to why I'm not writing those posts at the moment.

Something happened on Monday, September 6th, in Boulder County, just west of the city.

It caught on fire.

Like for reals.

So I took that picture from my backyard and then wrote an extremely eloquent message and posted it to Twitter, because that's what us geeks do.

And then something happened. A LOT of us started tweeting.

People from all over Colorado started posting pictures, telling what roads were closed, and where the flames were.

And some dedicated people started listening to the police scanners and tweeting everything that was said.

And the news agencies used us to tell the public what was happening.

Because we were the ones who knew, and who needed to know.

And the community started taking care of each other. Restaurants tweeted that they wanted to offer complimentary meals to those displaced. People started offering up their spare bedrooms and couches to people who couldn't go home, or no longer had a home. Strangers tweeted offers to house pets while displaced owners figured out a place to stay.

It was incredible.

On Wednesday tweets started coming out that the firefighters needed protein bars and energy drinks to keep up their strength. Since they were defending my city, and specifically the house where my brother is currently living (he's fine, his house is fine), I decided to reach out to a couple of Boulderites who have a far more impressive reach than I do.

First, using Facebook and Twitter, I wrote to Sean Foreman from 3OH!3, who Mike and I graduated high school with. He immediately started tweeting about what was needed and where to bring it.

Then I decided that the people who have Costco packs of Powerbars might just be following someone who works as an editor at Men's Health Magazine. And thankfully I happen to know an editor at Men's Health Magazine. And he happens to be a CU graduate who loves Boulder as much as I do. So I asked Adam to tweet to his followers that we needed help.

Soon after Adam's tweet, companies started stepping up. Detour Bar reached out to me asking where they could send products to. (I honestly never, ever expected that to happen.) Adam got in touch with Team Optimum and today I received SIX HUNDRED protein bars which I brought to the Boulder Reservoir, where hundreds of firefighters are camped out.

And it felt awesome.

Hannah was obviously overwhelmed with excitement.

So the next time you hear about twitter or bloggers or those damn kids who can't stay off of their ridiculous smart phones, remember that it can be useful and amazing and a force to be reckoned with. Sure, most of the time it's silly and narcissistic, but sometimes, when it matters, the geeks online get shit done.

****************

The fire isn't out, yet. As of this moment, 169 homes have been confirmed as destroyed, and several of those houses belonged to firefighters. There are lots of ways to help, if you're so inclined. Click here for more information.

NYC, The Bloggess, and Dild0s. Yeah...

2010-08-23T11:34:00.009-06:00

I've been home from NYC and BlogHer for almost two weeks and I'm still having trouble digesting it all. The different parts of the trip have been bouncing around my head since I got home, and getting them all on the page has proven to be a challenge.

So I've settled for a list of my favorite highlights. Maybe you don't care and you won't find this entertaining at all, but for the sake of posterity I'm choosing to not really give a shit about that.

(If this doesn't appeal to you, might I suggest you head on over to my other blog with my mom, She Thinks? Today's topic: "Is there a correct answer to the question: 'Does my ass look too big for these jeans?'" Trust me, you want to check it out.)

And so I present:

Ally's Highlights from BlogHer '10 & New York City
or
What Ally Can Remember
(not because she was drunk (the whole time) but because NYC and BlogHer always tend to end up blurryish...)
("blurryish" is totally a real word.)

The hotel bathroom. If you read about my last BlogHer trip, you know why this is a highlight. As I walked toward the ballroom for a party, I saw the closest bathroom and immediately turned for it. Of course, my most favoritest writer/blogger/comedienne/crazypersonEVER, Jenny The Bloggess, was there. What's more, she remembered me. She hugged me. She was happy to see me. It made me feel like I mattered. And I never even made it into the actual party, because I was right where I ~~wanted~~ needed to be. Later she called me her personal Sarah Silverman (of the bathroom). My mom hates Sarah Silverman, but I'm pretty sure Jenny loves her (as I do), so I'm taking that as an amazing compliment. Or maybe Jenny hates Sarah too and I've completely misinterpreted our relationship.

Going to Bloomingdale's. My grandparents were New Yorkers through and through, no matter where they lived. Even though they loved Colorado, New York City was a huge part of their identity. And Bloomingdale's in NYC is a big fucking deal. So when Mike bought a pair of shoes, and they put them in that famous Brown Bag? It meant something to me. Especially since it was the day before my grandma's birthday, and I think she would have been thrilled.

Seeing some amazing girls from high school. Because Mike came with me, a pseudo-high school reunion happened in the city while we were there. One of his friends lives in Manhattan, another in Brooklyn, one came down from Boston, and another made a last minute trip in from St. Louis. I was a little nervous because I didn't actually know these ladies in high school. I knew who they were, but I never talked to them or hung out with them. (I suggest you read this to get an idea as to why I don't know many people in my graduating class.) I was afraid I wouldn't be comfortable with them. But the time spent with these girls were some of my favorite moments in NYC. We laughed our asses off. We drank our asses off. I felt like we were ALL old friends, which was wonderful.

Getting to spend time with Angela and Crystal (AKA Perckle). These ladies made me laugh and reminded me why I love to go to these blogging conferences.

I thought I saw Toby from The Office eating pizza by himself at 3 AM. Thankfully Mike convinced me it wasn't him before I asked Fake Toby if he wanted company and if he could sign my bra...

I decorated a dild0. (See how I spelled it with a zero? I'm being sneaky.) Yep, it totally happened. I fell in love the awesome girls from Eden Fantasys, and they hosted a dild0 decorating party on the last night of the conference.

I was going for "Lady Gaga" but ended up with "Drag Queen". (Yes, those are two different looks.) But trying to make a bubble dress on a sex toy is fucking hard - er, difficult - y'all. Crafts have never been my strength. This party also involved spending some more time with Jenny, Angela and Perckle, plus the awesome ladies from Twitarded. (In case you're wondering, being at a sex toy decorating party with Twilight freaks led to some interesting and awesome conversations.)

Eating with the lovely, amazing, AWESOMETASTIC Tara on the last night of BlogHer. We laughed, we walked through Times Square, and we made Mike feel uncomfortable with talks about pregnancy and vaginas. (Are you seeing a theme to my weekend?)

Seeing Wicked. This was my third time seeing it, and it's still amazing and magical.

Having dinner with my cousin and his fiance. It was the first time I've met his future wife, and it's nice to know I'll have a new cousin who I adore. Plus, we had cheese fries, which is always a big fat bonus.

Spending time with Mike. After all these years, he's still my favorite person to explore with.

On BlogHer and a New Project

2010-08-04T13:09:00.005-06:00

Her: Why are you going to New York City?

Me: To see my friends.

BlogHer is this week and I'm so freaking excited. I'm excited to see the people that I only get to see once, maybe twice, a year. I'm excited to run around Manhattan with Mike. I'm excited to eat and drink and shop and OHMYGOD people I just want to GO already.

It's easy to get caught up in the drama of the conference. To get obsessed with free shit and private parties and who's who and where the cool people are. I'm trying desperately to stay away from it all. I'm trying to control my knee jerk reaction to grab everything handed to me (I DON'T NEED ANOTHER FLASH DRIVE), or to try to get into every party there is.

Because? It's not worth it. I'm not going for all of that. Hell, I'm not really going for the conference part at all. I'm going because I just want to see some amazing women who I love dearly. (And I'm so sad that some of them won't be there.)

I'm going because most days I feel completely lost, but when I'm with these people, I feel like maybe I get it. Maybe it'll be okay. Maybe...

And for that? I'll put up with muggy New York City in August.

Alright, enough with the sappy BlogHer crap. Onto bigger and bloggy-er things:

My mom and I started a new blogging project together. It's called She Thinks and it's now live. Every week we take a topic submitted by our readers and we each write about it and post it on www.SheThinks.com. We already have 3 posts up, and every Monday there will be a new one, so tell us what you think. We're also on Twitter and have a Facebook page, if you're into that sort of thing.

Otherwise, I'll see you in NYC.

Fight or Flight

2010-07-20T13:15:00.008-06:00

A few weeks ago Mike and I had to go downtown at 2 in the morning to help a friend with a flat tire.

(Because we're the best friends ever.)

We decided to take the dogs with us because we're also the best parents ever.

So while Mike was helping with the tire, I took the dogs out of the car so that they could roll around in the grass because rolling in the grass is apparently the best activity ever when you're a dog.

At one point I looked up and saw a deer running down the sidewalk. It was majestic and beautiful and then it turned and started to run (gallop?) right at me.

The deer was at least 6 feet tall and had fangs and foam coming from it's mouth.

(Mike tells me it was cute and little and possibly even a baby but I'm thinking he's just blocked the horrible image from his mind.)

The smart, reasonable part of my brain knew that this deer was way more scared of me and my two barking dogs than I was of it.

The other part of my brain, the part that thinks cute cuddly kittens are going to rip my throat out, was screaming THIS IS HOW YOU ARE GOING TO DIE, ALLY.

(I think I should point out that I had just seen this presentation at Ignite Boulder. Check out the whole video, but particularly the part at 2:08.)

(Thanks a lot, Josh.)

So I screamed. And Bonnie barked. And Hannah LUNGED FOR THE GOD DAMN DEER because she's cute but not exactly the smartest canine. And the deer stopped and stared because apparently that whole "deer in headlights" thing also applies to "deer being barked at while girl screams profanities".

So there I was, at 2 AM, trying to drag 100-plus pounds of dog away from Bambi on Steroids, screaming something eloquent like "HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT-MIKE-GET-IT-GET-IT-GET-IT."

He just stood there, yelled at me to run, and then laughed his ass off.

Really, Mike? If I have to get the spiders out of our house because you're busy hiding in the other room, then I think it's only fair that you take a more active role when I'm being run down by a predator.

Is that too much to ask?

(PS: I just Googled "are deer predators?" and all that came up were articles about the predators OF deer which totally isn't what I asked, Google. Apparently deer are pretty much at the bottom of the food chain and they just eat a whole lot of grass, BUT some deer consume meat when it's available. So really? I feel confident in saying that Bonnie, Hannah and I could have been eaten that night.)

(PPS: Mike tried to tell me that there are so many "deaths caused by deer" because of traffic accidents that happen when deer are in the road. Yeah, nice try buddy. You're just trying to explain why you didn't rescue us. I'd like to see how many of those deaths were caused because the victim was MAULED and then EATEN.)

(PPPS: OHMIGOD, don't Google "how many people are mauled by deer?".)

(PPPPS: And the results from searching "how many people are eaten by deer?" are really disappointing.)

I Shouldn't Be Allowed to Talk to Children

2010-06-21T14:40:00.010-06:00

Last week I went to a summit put on by Girls in Tech. It was all about mentoring and my mentor, the fabulous Tara Anderson, spoke. She talked about the qualities that make a good mentor, and though she left out the most important part of our mentoring relationship (booze), it was really interesting.

Part of her presentation involved an activity where each of us took a note card that had a picture of a character from a movie. Each of these characters was either a mentor or a mentee (?). So there was Harry Potter and Dumbledore, Yoda and whatshisname from Star Wars (I think the one with daddy issues), and others.

Including Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling.

Guess who I got?

So I walked around looking for who had Jodi Foster and what do ya know but my counterpart is one of the three 14 year-old girls that was there. And she had no idea who the fuck Hannibal Lecter was or what The Silence of the Lambs was about. So it fell to me to teach, or mentor, if you will, this poor soul.

This is what we were here for. To impart wisdom on bright young girls who need our guidance.

So I explained: "Silence of the Lambs is an award-winning film about this chick, Clarice Starling, who's in the FBI and she's trying to find this creepy guy who takes women and puts them in this hole and makes them put lotion on themselves so he can make a giant suit made out of their skin so he can dance around in front of mirrors and so Clarice goes to this other creepy guy named Hannibal Lecter who's in prison because he's kind of screwed up and really likes to eat people, which isn't really good, ya know? So anyway he has to help Clarice because really? What else is he gonna do with his time? And he's really smart, plus I think he kinda gets off on watching her struggle."

I paused to let the girl take it all in. She just looked at me like I was the weird one (even though she's the one who hasn't seen it), and then she decided to share what she thought a good mentor should be like.

She said that a mentor shouldn't just give their mentee (seriously, is that a real word?) the answers, but should support them and let them figure things out on their own.

Which is EXACTLY what Hannibal Lecter did for Clarice Starling, so I nodded my head and said, "You know what? You're just like Hannibal Lecter".

Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have compared her to a serial killer, but really? The resemblance in their mentoring philosophy was uncanny. It was like she was meant to be told about this shit by me, which is pretty powerful.

Basically, I'm the best mentor ever. Just think how good I'd be if there was alcohol involved.

Maybe next time...

If her mother ever lets me talk to her again.

PS: BUT REALLY? Isn't it better that she learns about this from someone like ME, in a safe environment, rather than some freak on the streets? Her mother should be thanking me.

Yay for YA

2010-05-25T13:34:00.006-06:00

Yesterday I confessed something on twitter, and I feel the need to share it here, too.

I love young adult fiction.

There. I said it.

(Though if you've been paying attention to this blog, it's not really a secret.)

Harry Potter , The Twilight Saga , Percy J ackson and the Olympians , and The Hunger Games: all of these novels make me swoon. Make me happy. Make me sit on the couch for hours reading and wishing that I was a wizard who's parent is a Greek God and who has a beautiful vampire who will save me from the evil government that is trying to kill me in the Hunger Games.

I know I'm not the only one. We all have a guilty pleasure that makes us question our sanity. We all have something that we love, something that we feel a little weird sharing with others.

I admit that I feel a tiny bit ashamed to say that I'd much rather read a book written for a 14-year-old than a Jane Austen novel (unless it has zombies).

Shouldn’t I be reading something that’s full of words that I don’t know? Shouldn’t I be struggling through something written by a famous guy who died two centuries ago? Shouldn’t I be reading something that’s teaching me things other than the politics of werewolves and vampires, or the magical charm for unlocking a door?

Sure, often times I'm happy to pick up a book that's little more intellectual, a little more complicated, a little more appropriate for my age. But the truth is that I like to read for fun. I like to read to escape. I like to read because it's entertaining. I like to read to imagine. A lot of young adult fiction has all of this, and a lot of young adult fiction is written by amazing storytellers. And there's nothing wrong with liking that.

(Right?)

So, I'm asking you: what is your guilty pleasure. Is it trashy reality TV? Romance novels? Tabloid magazines? Justin Bieber?

You don't have to be ashamed. I won't make fun of you.

(At least not to your face.)

PS: If your guilty pleasure includes drama and awesomeness in the female blogging community, check out She Posts. I have a huge bloggy crush on the editor, Esther, and I'm running their twitter account. So why wouldn't you check it out?

Sq-worm

2010-05-07T14:58:00.003-06:00

The other day I spent some time pulling weeds. It had been raining, so it was easy to get the little buggers out of the ground. But with the soft, wet ground, came gross, slimy worms.

I just don't like them. They're all creepy and crawly and they come out of nowhere. Like when I pulled a large clump of dandelions from the ground and a herd? gaggle? pod? family? of worms came pouring out of the dirt. There were ~~billions~~ ~~bunches~~ 5 of them, and I was not pleased.

So I ran to the door and calmly asked Mike how he felt about worms, because I care about his emotions and all. He informed me that he didn't like them, which really fucked up my plan to pretend to care about his emotions when really I just wanted him to come outside and pull the weeds from the worm infested area. So I told him there were millions of worms crawling out of the ground and I needed his help and he asked what I needed help with and I said picking the weeds from the danger zone... and helping to save the worms.

Mike: Wait... save them from what?

Me: The concrete. They're all displaced in the sun and they're all going to burn up and die so get out here and help me save them.

Mike: But you don't like them!

Me: True, but I'M NOT A MONSTER!!! I may not be fond of them but I respect their purpose on this planet, and I don't want to be responsible for a worm massacre. WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

Mike: So let me get this straight: You want me to go outside and re-bury them?

Me: Well, just get them back onto the grass and they can... burrow?

Mike: Yeah, no.

Me: Miiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkeeeeee.

*Mike put his headphones on which I'm pretty sure means he wants to listen to music while talking to me, which is sort of rude but also kind of understandable, so I screamed.*

Me: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE. YOU DON'T WANT THIS ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!!

*Shockingly, that didn't work.*

So I did what needed to be done and got a stick and proceeded to pick up the squiggly bastards with the end of the stick and placed them in some dirt and covered them up so the sun wouldn't dry their slimy little bodies out because I'm a wonderful person.

And I've made my peace with the cluster of weeds sitting in that part of the yard.

It's decorative.

Free Falling

2010-04-17T13:05:00.006-06:00

The Scene: the bus station in Denver, on our way to the bars to celebrate Mike and Mark's birthday.

I think to myself: if I continue to button up my coat while we climb these stairs I'm going to fall.

Then I fall.

Hard.

On my knee.

In front of a large group of people waiting to get on the bus for Boulder.

And, because the physical pain and the humiliation is causing me to get dizzy and nauseous, I PANIC, because I'm awesome like that.

When we finally get me off of the damn death stairs and get up to street level we notice that our connecting bus is waiting on the street. Mike tells me to run and I sweetly say "are you fucking kidding me?" so he tells me to hobble instead and starts to drag me to the bus. I take a seat and realize that I'm shaking uncontrollably. I take out my trail mix (which I have in my bag because I'm a child and require snacks when I leave my house), and begin to eat.

Me: Shit, there's bus station floor all over my hands!

Mike: Wipe them on your pants.

Me: There's bus station floor all over my pants!

Mike: I can't take you anywhere.

So I have a busted knee AND I probably have some sort of horrible bacterial infection from eating contaminated trail mix.

Jump to 5 days later:

The Scene: walking the dogs down my street.

I think to myself: there's a guy pushing a little girl on a Big Wheel across the street, so I have to stay on this side, because Hannah hates Big Wheel bikes. I'll just walk up half a block and then cut across the street, then home! Thank god because I have to pee.

So I rush up half a block, check over my right shoulder to make sure the Evil Big Wheel with the Evil Child with Evil Pigtails isn't near us... and I catch a glimpse of a guy walking behind us.

So I whip my head around because the last thing I need is for ~~Bonnie~~ somebody to go ape shit on some Evil Man walking near us and I then proceed to miss that all important step over the uneven concrete and as I begin to fall I say "You have GOT to be kidding me..."

So I jump up as fast as I can (because when you fall in public you get up super fast and act like nothing happened EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE BLEEDING FROM YOUR ELBOW) and I limped across the street and home.

So, if you're keeping track, that's me falling in public and hurting myself TWICE in less than a week. I have so many bruises and scabs that Mike says I look like a fifth grader. My mom says that I'm making up for the fact that I never fell or injured myself when I was a kid, and Mike thinks that I just need more agility training.

It's All About the Accessories

2010-03-31T14:45:00.008-06:00

So I got the following comment in response to my latest post with pictures of my dogs:

Oh dear...a cry for help. :'( I'm sorry to break it to you, but posting pictures of your pets on your blog or web site (no matter what species) officially makes you a "cat lady" (no matter what gender you are). No one's judging you...a common affliction of those dwelling in wintry climes. And you're not alone...I once did it. I even used a photo of my cat's face for a forum avatar. (Yes, I'm ashamed...but publicly admitting to almost being a member of the plastic curler-fuzzy slipper-flannel house coat set is part of the recovery.) Sorry to be this harsh...but it's necessary.

So, dear commenter, I have a response.

I think that the most important part of this whole thing is "the look". If I'm truly a "crazy cat lady (who actually has an innate fear of cats but I guess that's beyond the point)", then I need to update my look. But (BUT), I refuse to go with your regular run-of-the-mill plastic hair curlers and fuzzy slippers and house coat ensemble. No, I need something a little more...

AWESOME.

(Of course.)

The first step is the hair curlers. Now, I totally think it's possible to rock regular hair curlers (ahem, Jenny), but I want something that screams that I'm not your average chick who has an unhealthy obsession with my animals.

My first thought was to get some hair curlers like Lady Gaga in her most recent music video. See, she's modeling empty beer cans.

Photo found here.

They just scream AWESOME (and RECYCLING), so I thought I'd try that. Problem is that the only beer we have in the house is Pabst Blue Ribbon in glass bottles (because we're classy), and I just don't think I'll get the right curl with glass bottles. I mean, there's a reason Gaga went for aluminum, right?

(Plus, wearing glass bottles in my hair doesn't seem like the safest thing in the world.)

So I thought maybe I'd take a page from the awesome Nancy W. Kappes, (paralegal) and use empty prescription bottles as hair curlers. I got all excited and went to empty a bunch of pills when I realized that I get my medication from fucking Target, and Target decided to reinvent the prescription bottle so they're totally useless now.

This photo is from this article where the author praises all of the awesome things about it.
(Notice that using it as a hair curler is *not* on the list.)

Well, if I wanted zig-zag curls I would have kept my (kick-ass) hair crimper circa 1989.

(Shut up, it looked cool.)

Needless to say, that ain't gonna work either. Alas, I'm just giving up because I don't have beer cans and I don't have appropriate shaped prescription bottles and all of this disappointment has made me tired and I don't even want to think about the rest of my cat lady attire.

I'll just accept that I'm crazy and keep my hair and clothes the way they are, thank you very much.

(I could totally be persuaded to wear fuzzy slippers, though.)

PS: I understand that "wearing the curlers" and "actually curling one's hair" can be different. I don't know if crazy cat ladies even take out the curlers, or are worried if their hair holds the perfect curl, but (again), I'm not your average cat lady. I just figure if I'm going to all the trouble to get the damn beer cans to stay in my hair, I might as well have the end result look nice.

PPS: Comments make me happy.

What I do when it's Snowing

2010-03-19T15:54:00.012-06:00

First of all, I'm not dead, I just haven't had the "blogging bug".

(I'm sure it'll pass.)

But for now you get pictures of the dogs with sarcastic writing on them!

You're welcome.

I don't know which they like better: the snow, or the fact that several times a day they get dried off with a towel.

I tried to get Hannah to sit while holding the towel in her mouth, but she flat-out refused. I would accept that she wasn't in the mood, but after I took all of the pictures she walked around carrying a tennis ball for about 13 minutes straight.

Just a Couch (?)

2010-03-08T14:24:00.008-07:00

Our assignment from the Inspiration Workshop at BlissDom:

"In her amazing book, What It Is! writer/artist Lynda Barry shares (among other flashes of genius!) a simple exercise she learned from her college professor and mentor Marilyn Frasca. It's one I use all the time to get my mind in gear.

Here's how it goes: With pen and paper, make a list of ten couches you've known in your lifetime. (This also works with other words, but couches are my favorite because they are central to many moments in your memory.)

When you've made your list, take a deep relaxing breath and find the couch that has the most powerful emotional charge for you. Then begin writing about it...

Keep writing for three minutes until you've reached the end of the vignette. Keep the pen moving. Three minutes will seem like a long time. But don't stop. If you run out of words, doodle a little till they come again.

Don't edit! Keep the memory and emotion there in all its raw glory!"

****

There's really only one couch to write about.

One couch that matters.

That represents an entire chapter of my life.

It was covered in duct tape and chewed on by puppies.

It was sticky and gross and falling apart.

It was over my head and everywhere.

It was dirty.

It was a conversation piece.

It was important because it was ours. And it was sad when it was (finally) gone.

It was our

badge of honor.

It proclaimed to all the world that we were poor, sad college students getting useless degrees and we had this shitty couch to prove it, god damn it.

****

I wrote that down in three minutes.

(I don't write very fast, so it's not very long. Also? Three minutes isn't that much time.)

When I came to post it I edited certain things (even though the rules say not to) because I could make them sound better here (and because I'm a hard core bad ass who doesn't listen to rules)

.... then I went back and took the edits out, and wrote what I wrote on paper with pen.

Word for word.

(It was really hard to do.)

****

When they first told us about this assignment I laughed to myself.

The first post I ever wrote was about that same stupid couch.

Come play this game yourself here, or on your own, and let me know if you do...

So Not Pretty... At All

2010-02-26T15:52:00.008-07:00

When I brush my teeth, I get toothpaste everywhere.

I don't know why. I don't know how.

Somehow, toothpaste gets on the mirror, on my shirt, around the sink...

e-v-e-r-y-where.

And now it's even worse because my dentist insisted that I get an electric toothbrush, (you know, because apparently I am incapable of thoroughly cleaning my teeth the old fashioned way?) which means that the toothpaste is churned to the point of full on toothpaste froth.

When I brush my teeth, it looks like I'm a rabid dog.

It's not cute.

Mike isn't allowed to watch me as I brush my teeth because he just laughs and points.

Laughs and points.

Which makes me laugh, which means even more toothpaste ends up covering the bathroom walls and floor and ceiling.

He's also not allowed to watch me wash my face.

Because when I wash my face, water also gets

e-v-e-r-y-where.

The counter, my shirt (again), the floor...

And Mike says things like, "Ally, I know you're a smart person, but you do not look like it right now."

But this all works just fine because I just wash my face AFTER I brush my teeth, then the water just washes all of the toothpaste froth off of everything.

(Who's not smart, now, Michael?)

Except the mirror.

I have no idea how I get toothpaste on the mirror...

(PS: I'm trying out a new commenting system that's dynamic and shit (that's the technical term). All you need is a name and email, or you can sign up for a Disqus profile (so I can see your pretty little face next to your note) here, so please say "hi" to Bonnie and Hannah, because they don't think anyone cares about them.)

(PPS: That's a lie. Bonnie and Hannah don't even read this blog.)

(PPPS: Bitches.)

Blurg: It's how I feel.

2010-02-19T13:44:00.006-07:00

I am sick.

Have been since I got back from Blissdom.

That's almost TWO WEEKS.

(And I'm not the only one. Which means that there was obviously some sort of terrible germ bomb released during the conference.)

(Alert the officials.)

I lie in bed every morning, taking stock of how I feel, and think to myself "Today. Today I will feel better. Today I will walk the dogs. I will go to the gym. I will clean the house. I will be productive."

And then I realize that I can't breath through my nose.

So I take another shot of nasal spray.

(I should buy stock in the stuff.)

And then I sit up and cough up a lung.

And then I brush my teeth.

And then I have to lie down for a few minutes because standing up is hard.

And then I heat some water up for another cup of tea, pour another serving of orange juice, swallow another multivitamin, and watch a ridiculous amount of Law and Order: SVU.

(MARISKA HARGITAY.)

And although I am now qualified to solve some pretty fucked up crimes, I don't really think it's that productive.

(Depends on how you define "productive", I guess.)

(But really, if you need someone to solve some crazy-ass crime involving drag queens or strippers or guys with foot fetishes, I am ON IT.)

Yesterday I decided to not be sick anymore, so I took the dogs for a walk. This was partly to assert my control over this wretched illness, and mostly because Bonnie had that look in her eye that said "I know you're sick, mama, but if you don't get me out of here today, I will cut you."

And I went to class where I started to see dots because there is NO OXYGEN getting to my brain because my nose is trying to murder me through suffocation.

And I realized that I can't push it. I need to make peace with that fact that my body will heal in time.

But that's bullshit, so instead I'm sitting here, wallowing in self-pity, because that's how I role.

PS: I thought it would make me feel better to buy things, but I can't really leave the house. And I have no money. So I downloaded a million free books for my Kindle.

PPS: Most of the books that are $0.00 on Amazon for the Kindle are either classic novels or Christian romance novels.

PPPS: I don't know why either.

PPPPS: So I have a ridiculous amount of classic novels on my Kindle now. I may never read them, but I feel way smarter.

PPPPPS: Feeling "way smarter" does not make up for the fact that my right nostril has been stuffed up for 12 days, but today... my left is more stuffed up. The hell nose?

Romance-y

2010-02-15T14:25:00.006-07:00

I've never been fond of Valentine's Day.

The pressure (the pressure!) to be romantic, in love, nice, just sets couples up for disaster.

(Meaning, I usually overreact about something which ruins everything.)

(I take full responsibility.)

It never turns out like it's supposed to.

(The same goes for anniversaries and birthdays or any other "special occasion".)

Inevitably, someone will say something that causes their other half to role his or her eyes, to grit his or her teeth in frustration, to scream something regrettable.

The dishes will sit dirty. The trash won't be taken out. Something will go wrong.

Something starts the fight.

(And no, it's not because of PMS.)

(At least not completely.)

This year we made plans to go to dinner and then dancing Saturday night, and then for a massage on Sunday.

Lofty plans for someone who doesn't like Valentine's Day.

But, alas, I got sick, so Saturday was spent watching a crappy movie and ordering Chinese food, the nasal spray never far away.

(By the way, can you overdose on nasal spray?)

(I refuse to Google it because I know it's going to say "yes, you can overdose on nasal spray AND you're going to die".)

And the massage was postponed because nothing is less relaxing than dripping snot everywhere while lying naked and face-down on a massage table.

But with all of the canceled plans went all of the pressure. We just had a weekend together.

We saw the perfect romantic movie for Valentine's Day: Sherlock Holmes.

(The sexual tension between Jude Law and Robert Downey, Jr. was palpable.)

(There better be a make out session in the sequel.)

To be "valentines-y" we brought a heart-shaped box of chocolates into the movie theater.

(Eating a box of chocolates in a dark theater forces you to eat what you get rather than scouring that little chocolate treasure map under the lid that tells you exactly where the caramels are and how to avoid that weird coconut creme crap. This can either be exciting or stressful, depending on your various neuroses... and food allergies.)

(Also? If you bring a box of chocolates into a dark and quiet theater, maybe open it in the car beforehand because the amount of wrapping and ripping and noise involved in getting to said caramels and weird coconut creme crap is just astounding.)

(Especially since you're trying to be all covert and shit about smuggling Valentine's Day themed candy into the theater.)

Finally, we went to a crowded coffee shop where we drank tea and did the most romantic thing ever:

Mike taught me math.

(It was hot.)

And nobody fought over the dishes or the trash.

And it was good...

(AND I know how to do logarithms.)

(SCORE.)

What did you do? What didn't you do?
Do you know what log10 of 10 is?
Because I totally do.

Thank You Notes: Blissful Edition

2010-02-09T16:16:00.003-07:00

(This post is sappy, personal, and ridiculously lovey. Not your thing? Read my first Blissdom post instead.)

********************

Dear Esther,

Thank you for being my friend, not just online, but in person.

Thank you for making me think, for sharing your stories, for sharing your insight,

for being you.

Thank you for checking on me when I got locked out of my hotel room, and thank you for *not* making me feel like a total idiot when I pocket dialed you (twice) and left you messages of me discussing the best cookie choice with the sales girl in the hotel lobby.

(It was white chocolate cherry, in case that wasn't clear from my message.)

(Sorry 'bout that.)

********************

Dear Casey,

Thank you for hugging me when I shared one of my biggest fears with you,

for getting it,

for getting me.

Thank you for telling me to "do it" when I said I might cry. (Not in a mean way (DO IT), but in an encouraging way... I thought I should clear that up.)

Thank you for stopping me when I was leaving the party the first night, for talking to me instead of allowing me to wander around by myself.

Thank you for telling me I'm awesome, for being awesome yourself, for being my new found lobster.

********************

Dear Mary Anne,

I hereby dub you my Fairy Blog Mother.

Thank you for hugging me, telling me you were proud of me,

being my safety net.

Thank you for telling me which side of the stage to stand on to get my picture taken with Harry Connick, Jr. You're basically the best Fairy Blog Mother ever.

********************

Dear Steph,

Oh Steph. Thank you thank you thank you for hanging out with me.

For letting me essentially stalk you.

You are stuck with me now, my dear,

because I adore you so.

Thank you for saying hello, for dancing with me, for letting me hold that beautiful tiny dancer of yours.

Thank you for inspiring me.

(Seriously, Ivy is so freaking cute she makes my uterus hurt).

******************

Dear Alli,

You throw one hell of a party.

I am forever in awe of you.

Thank you for letting me be a part of it,

for including me,

for stopping to hug me whenever you saw me,

for being amazing.

Thank you for saying "Ally B Speakin'" with the best southern accent ever... it makes me smile every time.

******************

I met more women than I can thank here. They all deserve it, though, and I thank them too.

Seriously, ladies, if we talked, hung out, danced, hugged, or even rode an elevator together,

thank you.

Blissdom or Bust (on The Island)

2010-02-04T11:30:00.010-07:00

Remember last year at this time when I totally stepped out of my comfort zone and went to Nashville for a blogging conference and had an emotional break down which resulted in many tears and many anti-anxiety drugs and then I stalked Jen Lancaster and ended up having a great time and making lots of friends?

(No? Read about it here.)

Well, I'm back. Blissdom '10 is happening and I am happy to be a part of it. I would love to tell you about how I helped stuff swag bags, hung out with Carmen, and how I had an awesome evening with Esther (and how I love her so), but something else needs to be addressed.

I have entered an alternate universe, and it is called the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and Convention Center.

Yes... this is the INSIDE OF THE HOTEL... and it's NOT VEGAS.

I don't think that this is even really Nashville. I think this is some weird "in-between" place that has a smoke monster lurking and possibly an entrance through a wardrobe.

It's a giant atrium with different "islands" where the rooms and restaurants are.

(I'm in the ~~Swan Station~~ "Magnolia".)

*Totally* looks like Nashville, right?

The inside is basically a huge rain forest with palm trees and exotic flowers and PURPLE WATERFALLS.

The first thing I thought when I saw this purple waterfall? What animal was slaughtered there that has purple blood. My mind scares me.

I'm afraid The Others will get me if I stray too far away on my own.

(And by "The Others" I mean the people who are here for The National Tea Party Convention in the same hotel.)

(Sarah Palin is their keynote speaker... you decide which Lost character she is.)

With a hotel so big and filled with greenery, I have spent an enormous amount of time trying to find my way around. When I was packing I decided to wear cute shoes because this is a conference with 500 other women and cute shoes are very important when making a first impression with this many females. I figured that it didn't matter that these cute shoes are slightly uncomfortable because I'd just we walking around the hotel...

Well, after the fucking 5K that I've walked in the past 20 hours, my feet are in so much pain.

(So much pain that I flossed (you bet your ass I did) while sitting on the edge of the tub with my feet soaking in hot water.)

But I will persevere. Not because I'm so vain that cute shoes mean more to me than saving my feet, but because the only footwear that I have that would be comfy enough for walking through this crazy place are my slippers.

And I just won't go there... yet.

This map was not helpful *at all*... and Google Maps didn't help either.
(I tried.)

PS: You might be asking "Why would you buy shoes that were that uncomfortable in the first place?" Because I didn't expect to walk a marathon in them. Also? They're pretty.

Public Service Announcement

2010-01-29T13:57:00.005-07:00

The first (and only) time that I've gotten a cavity I was about nine. And I was ashamed. I thought that I had done something terrible; that I had messed up. I hid in my room and was afraid for my daddy to come home.

(I had issues.)

(I still have issues.)

Of course, my dad didn't care. He told me it was okay and it happens and no worries, we'd get it fixed and be better about taking care of my teeth.

Even though it made my shame dissipate a little, I still hated the feeling like I had screwed up.

Well, I felt that same tooth related shame this week. I decided to make an appointment for the dentist because I hadn't been in a while.

Or, you know, four years.

FOUR GOD DAMN YEARS.

Yeah... my dentist was not pleased. And neither were my gums.

My poor, poor gums.

Which leads me to the main part of this blog post:

YOU NEED TO FLOSS.

Seriously. Floss like a mother fucker.

Thankfully, my problems can all be reversed with floss, regular visits to my dentist (like, you know, NOT every four years), and brushing my teeth for the recommended two minutes.

And now I'm telling you to floss, because otherwise your dental hygienist will scrape your gums with an instrument that looks like it belongs in the arsenal of someone responsible for getting top secret information out of a very stubborn war criminal.

(And today my mouth was the war criminal and my poor gums didn't have any information to tell.)

So there. I've passed along my advice. Because I care.

(I also visited the eye doctor and was told that your actually not supposed to wear your contact lenses for 4 months at a time, because they're kind of supposed to be replaced every two weeks. Apparently that's a bad thing...)

(I think I need some sort of professional care... I obviously can't take care of myself.)

PS: You know who doesn't need to go to the dentist? Bonnie. And you know how she showed me that her teeth are totally strong and healthy? By using those teeth to bite through her gentle leader on her walk today.

New Directions

2010-01-26T17:13:00.003-07:00

I recently decided to take a class at CU. I want to go to grad school, but I'm not positive what I want to study.

My background is in Women and Gender Studies, but I'm not interested in going back for another degree in that or Sociology. I decided to look for something that made me excited, and to take an intro undergrad class in that subject.

I decided on Speech, Language and Hearing Sciences, so I'm taking an Intro to Human Communication Sciences this semester. So far, I love it. I belong in school, and I'm happy to be learning something totally new and different.

Going back to school now is very different than being an undergrad. I'm there because I want to learn something. I want to possibly start a new career. I want to soak it up. I'm not there for the grade, for the credit, or to fill a spot. I'm there for me.

Which is awesome.

(PS: Even though I'm really enjoying this and all, I still wait until the last possible second to do my homework. Because I love to procrastinate... I'm really good at it, and you gotta play to your strengths.)

(PPS: One thing I've learned being back on campus: wearing leggings as pants is totally acceptable. Especially when it's 39 degrees.)

(PPPS: I guess that's probably okay since it's also super awesome to wear Uggs with said pant-leggings, therefore keeping you nice and warm?)

(PPPPS: I am learning *so* much.)

Stop Being a Stalker Day

2010-01-14T11:29:00.007-07:00

Are you someone who reads blogs but never comments? Someone who follows people on twitter but never says anything? Yeah, you're a lurker.

(It's okay... I don't judge.)

(Except that I totally do.)

Well, today is Delurker Day, which means it's time to come out from the shadows and say hi.

Let me know you're there. Let me know what you think. Tell me your favorite color. What's your dog's name? Anything will do. I'd love to know who's out there, reading and judging me.

I want to hear from you, so stop stalking, and start talking.

(I totally just made that up. I should copyright it.)

(Because it's awesome.)

(I feel the need to point out that stalking is really serious and really bad, so don't do it.)

(Though I must also say that I'm going to Blissdom '10 in a couple of weeks where Harry Connick, Jr. will be and I will be following him around and I might take a lock of his hair.)

(Fair warning.)

(Don't worry, I totally won't take some of his hair. That's creepy. I'm just going to take his empty wine glass to harvest his DNA.)

(That's science.)

(Yes, I realize that I could harvest DNA from his hair, too. I'm just trying to plan strategy and I'm pretty sure that it would be a lot easier to pretend to be a waitress clearing the dirty dishes from his table than to steal a lock of his hair without him getting suspicious and then calling the cops.)

(These are the things I think about.)

(Leave a comment.)

(Please.)

PS: The color scheme and theme of this blog are slowly changing. The purple and paper are just the first steps. We're working on making it totally kick-ass. You just wait.

Welcome to the Future

2010-01-09T20:30:00.011-07:00

I know that ordering pizza on the internet is exactly brand new, but last night was the first time that I did it, so it's new to me.

(And it's all about me.)

Last night Mike and I wanted some Domino's Pizza (because we're classy). I decided to avoid human contact completely and use their online ordering system.

Holy shit, people, it's amazing. Really. Who needs flying cars and robots? This is the future.

My favorite parts?

Making your pizza is basically like being a PIZZA GOD.

But they totally ruin you're pizza making high.

But the best part? They have a progress tracker (see? FUTURE) that shows you when the order was taken, when your pizza is being prepared, baked, and checked over (to make sure no hair is on it?) (I actually appreciate that step), and when it leaves the store. It even tells you who's doing all of this.

Apparently "Hannah" took care of our order. As we were watching the little tracker thing, we started to get crazy hungry. ("Crazy hungry" occurs when you start screaming at your computer.) Soon we were yelling "BAKE IT FASTER HANNAH. TURN UP THE DAMN OVEN," and "HUSTLE UP HANNAH. WE NEED PEPPERONI STAT, WOMAN".

(Of course, this caused some problems for us. We had a very distraught golden retriever pacing back and forth wondering why the hell we were yelling her name so much.)

When the blinking light moved to "out for delivery", it told us that "John" was on his way. We proceeded to sit at the window calling "JOOOOOHHHHNNNNN" and wondering which car was his.

(Remember? Crazy hungry.)

It was awesome. I felt like I was in Star Trek or something.

(Actually, if it were Star Trek, my pizza would have appeared out of my computer.)

(Dude, they totally have a Wikipedia article about that machine that creates food in Star Trek.)

(Geeks are so organized.)

PS: The new Domino's pizza is actually really good.

PPS: FULL DISCLOSURE: Domino's didn't ask me to write anything and I didn't get anything to do so. I'm just a happy member of THE FUTURE.

PPPS: I don't think I actually have to disclose that, but it makes me feel fancy to do it.

PPPPS: OTHER DISCLOSURE: I'll gladly accept free pizza, though... just so you all know.

Palindrome Princess

2010-01-02T14:48:00.002-07:00

Happy Palindrome Day!

Today is 01/02/2010, or 01022010, front and back.

Which means? Hannah is the princess of today because her name is also the same front and back.

In honor of today and the princess, please honor Her Awesomeness by sending some of Hannah's most favorite things to her.

Like tennis balls.

And napkins.

And socks.

And toys that squeak.

And bananas.

Please:

Do NOT iron anything, as it scares her.

Do NOT touch her paws, because it makes her upset.

And finally, please do NOT chew on her back leg while she's trying to get through the dog door.

(I'M TALKING TO YOU BONNIE.)

(Obviously.)

PS: Even though Hannah also loves dead rodents, please don't send any of those. I'll just assume that you would if you could, and it's really the thought that counts.

Best of 09: Failed Resolution

2009-12-31T13:48:00.006-07:00

I made it!! I completed the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge!

(If you missed any, you can find them all here.)

Thanks, Gwen, for putting this all together!

December 31st: Resolution you wish you'd stuck with. (You know, there's always next year...)

It's all pretty cliche.

I wish I had gotten fit this year. I wish my house was organized. I wish I'd done a lot of things that I didn't actually do.

But I ended up doing a lot of stuff that I didn't think that I would do, which I figure makes up for it.

(Except for the whole not getting fit thing... going to Nashville doesn't really make up for that, does it?)

(Oh well.)

Here's to 2010!

(I've watched that video about twenty-seven times in the last three days... and thirteen more times since I embedded it in this post.)

(Who knew so many people used the word "down" this year?)

(I just searched my blog for the word "down" and it was used in 19 posts this year... given the crazy amount of times that the word was obviously used by pop stars in 2009, I feel like that's not nearly enough.)

(Resolution for 2010: use the word "down" more.)

(Shit... it'll probably be out of style by this time next year. What's the word of 2010? I'd really appreciate knowing *now* so that I'm not in this situation next year.)

(Because it's embarrassing.)

(I shouldn't have even pointed it out... fuck.)

(Maybe "fuck" will be the biggest word of 2010. I hope so, because I'm already on top of that one.)

(Also? I don't recognize more than half of those songs in the video. Another resolution for 2010: listen to more Top 40 radio...)

(I'm ambitious.)

(Down.)

(Fuck.)

Best of 09: Ad

2009-12-30T19:01:00.003-07:00

December 30th: Ad. What advertisement made you think this year?

This one made me think... mostly because I didn't get it the first time I saw it.

Awesome.

Best of 09: Laugh

2009-12-29T14:04:00.004-07:00

December 29th: Laugh. What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?

If you haven't already figured it out, my entire family is completely insane. Earlier this year my grandma said, "This family is not dysfunctional, we're funny."

I'm very lucky because I'm surrounded by hilarious people. We're so completely insane that we laugh all the time. It's the way we are.

(I've actually had people say that they would buy tickets just to observe our Thanksgiving dinner...)

My friends constantly make me smile and fall over with laughter.

My relationship with Mike is built on total hilarity... we make each other laugh every single day. (I truly believe that it's the number one reason we've been together for nearly 8 years (so far).)

Even my dogs have a sense of humor (when I'm having a bad day, I swear they do shit just to make me smile).

Some people think that I have a cynical, dark, sense of humor, but I don't see it that way. I think laughing at the twisted, disturbing stuff makes living easier, better, and fun. I've learned that you have to laugh at the dark stuff because it's the only way to get through it all.

Some of the funniest people that I've met have lived through unimaginable tragedy - the loss of a child, horrible disease, terrible accidents - but they keep laughing and they keep making other people laugh.

Laughter makes you happy to be alive, it makes it easier to get up in the morning, it allows you to cope when something bad happens.

It's survival.

It's the only way to live.

PS: You know what's really funny? This post is about the biggest laugh of my year and it's turned out to be a ridiculously serious commentary...

PPS: Shit... I feel bad about that. Here:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

You're welcome.

Best of 09: Stationery

2009-12-28T16:02:00.003-07:00

December 28th: Stationery. When you touch the paper, your heart melts. The ink flows from the pen. What was your stationery find of the year?

I don't collect "stationery", like for writing thank you notes on or anything, but I am a total whore for school supplies and journals.

I LOVE the look and feel and excitement of a new, blank notebook.

(It's the little things, people.)

(I think that I should go back to school so that I can get new supplies.)

(That may not be the *best* reason... but it's still appealing.)

(Does anybody else really want to make a trip to an office supply store? Just me?)

I found this journal the day after my grandma died, a time when I felt particularly c-r-a-z-y.

The cover says:

"My Dysfunctions:
A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they're all in mind-numbing denial."

It's filled with quotes from some of the most awesomely dysfunctional people in history and each page starts with "Why I Am Dysfunctional Today".

Needless to say, this journal really spoke to me.

(Not literally...)

(Really...)

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

Best of 09: Social Web Moment

2009-12-27T15:29:00.003-07:00

December 27th: Social web moment. Did you meet someone you used to know only from her blog? Did you discover Twitter?

2009 has been all about social web moments. I met my blogging hero, I became an active member of the social web community, and I even got a job in the social web.

Specifically, being featured on the Men's Health Blog, Working out the Details, was a great opportunity and a cool thing to be involved with.

Best of 09: Aha! Moment

2009-12-26T11:15:00.003-07:00

I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Mine was filled with laughs, family, food, and a Snuggie!

AND I was quoted in The Colorado Daily!

(My quote is the last line in the article... I actually said it's "too damn crowded", not "... crowded".)

(You know, because I'm classy.)

December 26th: Insight or aha! moment. What was your epiphany of the year?

That blogging is fun and that I could make friends doing it!

And that I should be a professional advent calendar maker.

That was a big turning point for me.

Best of 09: Christmas-y Edition

2009-12-24T12:15:00.001-07:00

December 24th: Learning Experience. What was a lesson that you learned this year that changed you?

That I can do things that I didn't think I could do.

And? How to make BBQ Pulled Pork. It's changed my life.

December 25th: Gift. What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?

I continued buying books. Even though I stopped buying many "luxury items" (like haircuts and eyebrow waxing... 2009 was not my *hottest* year), I kept getting myself books, because they make me so very happy.

Merry Christmas!

Best of 09: Web Tool

2009-12-23T15:05:00.005-07:00

December 23rd: Web tool. It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn't live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience.

I've already told you about my love for Lijit here.

Another great online tool is Hootsuite. It allows you to schedule tweets, which is really helpful when you manage a corporate Twitter account, or have a post scheduled to go live over the holidays and want to send out a message when it's published... hypothetically...

Finally, I LOVE Picnik. This is the site that I use to take my pictures from "okay" and "normal" to OH EM GEE THAT IS AWESOME, like this one:

(Was the snow effect too much? Or just awesome enough?)
(I'm going with just the right amount of awesome...)

Plus, I got to hang out with some of the beautiful ladies that work there at BlogHer this year, and they were some of the greatest girls I've ever met (which always helps).

Best of 09: Startup

2009-12-22T13:56:00.002-07:00

December 22nd. Startup. What's a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?

I'm not just saying this because I've been doing some social media magic for them, but I've gotta give props to Zwaggle.

If you're a parent, you need to join this site. It's an online marketplace for parents to swap their gently used kids' gear, for free. It's a green, free, awesome way to get the stuff you need, and share the stuff you don't.

Another company that I found this year? Lijit is a local Boulder business that offers an awesome search engine for your blog. I met their social media mastermind, Tara, at Blissdom, and she has been an awesome mentor and friend to me ever since. I think that every blog should have a search engine, and with Lijit you get that along with awesome statistics about who's visiting your site on a weekly basis.

On top of that, they have amazing customer service. Recently, I was having trouble with my search results. I told Tara about it through the Lijit twitter account, and she sent it to their support department. Within a few hours I received a very nice email telling me exactly what was wrong and how it's being fixed.

(In fact, I just got another email confirming that my search results are working! Love it...)

Finally, I discovered Etsy this year. Etsy is a site that allows users to post their handmade goods to sell. It has an amazing amount of cool stuff, and by buying from there, your supporting actual people making their own products, rather than corporations.

Best of 09: Project

2009-12-21T16:31:00.003-07:00

This is my 200th post! Throw streamers! Glitter! Presents all around!

(Except not.)

(But yay.)

December 21st: Project. What did you start this year that you're proud of?

Honestly? This. This crazy, month long Best of 2009 Blog Challenge.

This past year I've gone back and forth between writing several times a week and writing once or twice a month. This is the first time that I've not only committed to blogging everyday, but actually done it. The prompts from Gwen help immensely, but the fact that I've written something - anything - even when I really didn't feel like it or want to... that's pretty cool.

Instead of saying "maybe later" or just ignoring the many, many tweets about this project, I actually joined in. And that isn't something that I usually do.

The posts might not always be amazing or inspiring or hilarious, but at least they're here... and I'm proud of that.

Best of 09: Person

2009-12-20T16:13:00.005-07:00

I am listening to Mike play a violent war game on his computer. The sounds of gun fire and screaming soldiers is filling my house - and heart - with so much extra holiday cheer. It's truly magical.

December 20th: New Person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?

I've been sitting here forever, and I've come up with so many people. I think about the woman who said hello to me in the elevator when I first got to Blissdom, or the lady who offered me a seat at her table in a crowded hotel restaurant.

I think about the people who talked to me at parties, made me laugh, invited me out for drinks.

And those are just the people who's hands I actually gotten to shake. I've met even more online, and I feel like I know them just as well, if not better, than a lot of the people I've talked with in person.

There are too many new people in 2009. I can't pick one, and you can't make me. If you said a kind word to me, talked to me on Twitter, commented on this blog, played me in Words with Friends... you're my people.

Thanks.

For 2010, though, I'm going to be keeping score.

(5 points for complimenting my outfit, 10 for buying me cake on a stick, and 15 if my dogs like you.)

(Bonus points if you're Team Edward.)

Best of 09: Car Ride

2009-12-19T21:10:00.005-07:00

December 19th: Car ride. What did you see? How did it smell? Did you eat anything as you drove there? Who were you with?

After my grandmother's memorial my family went to a gorgeous town in Southwest Colorado, Ridgway, to spread my grandparent's ashes.

I rode down with Mike and my dad in my dad's Prius, and the rest of the family piled into my mom's (totally kick-ass) RV.

(There were too many of us to all fit in the RV and I get carsick sitting in it while it's driving on a straightaway, let alone while it's driving over mountains.)

At one point we needed to call the RV.

My dad decided that rather than allowing me to call my brother, who was ~~trapped in~~ enjoying the RV with our whole, entire, extended family, he would use his trusty voice-activated hands-free phone thingy.

Dad: Phone (waiting)... Phone... PHONE!!

Condescending lady who talks from the voice-activated hands-free phone thingy (seriously, listen to the robot lady's voice next time you're in a car that talks to you... she is totally judging you): Phone. Please choose how you would like to place a call.

Dad: Name... Name... NAME!!

Lady from the voice-activated hands-free phone thingy who thinks she's better than us: Name. Please say the name of the person you would like to call.

Dad: AJ... AJ...

Me: Dad, why don't I just dial?

Dad: No, this is way more convenient. AYYYYY JAYYYYY.

Lady who has lost all respect for us (I don't really blame her) from the voice-activated hands-free phone thingy: Calling Annie.

Dad: Shit.

Best of 09: Shop

2009-12-18T15:03:00.004-07:00

I have five dogs in my house right now. Five noisy, dirty, barking, far too energetic dogs. Plus, one of them figured out how to escape from the backyard, so they're currently being held hostage inside.

Needless to say, this puppy playgroup is making it hard to concentrate.

Therefore, this is going to be short and sweet.

December 18th: Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?

Target (because we buy our food there) and various bookstores (because I'm a whore for books).

Holy motherfucking shit. A dog just barked on the TV.

Oh the insanity.

Best of 09: Word

2009-12-17T13:40:00.007-07:00

December 17th: Word of phrase. A word the encapsulates your year. "2009 was___."

2009 was geeky.

It was full of blogging conferences and tweeting and vampires and comic books and television shows that break out into song and iPhones and scrabble and Lady Gaga and writing letters to my dogs and MARISKA HARGITAY and advent calendars and, of course, coming out as a geek in front of hundreds of other geeks.

Yep... 2009 was pretty damn geeky.

Best of 09: Tea

2009-12-16T20:52:00.004-07:00

Still going strong on the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge.

(Crazy, I know.)

December 16th: Tea of the Year. I can taste my favorite tea right now. What's yours?

This question makes me laugh because I remember reading Gwen's tweets and blog post when she decided to give up coffee a few months ago.

I don't like regular coffee, and if I'm having espresso, it's mixed with a whole lot of chocolate and other flavored syrup. But, since I prefer to eat my calories rather than drink them, I tend to stick with tea.

(And hot chocolate... I love me some hot chocolate.)

When I lived in Australia I became a very big tea drinker. I had English Breakfast tea everyday, multiple times a day. I'd go out to coffee shops or restaurants and sit with a pot of tea and read a book.

After my English Breakfast tea bender, if you will, I came home and sort of lost my desire. I still love tea, and drink it on a regular basis, but I don't have it nearly as much as I did in Sydney.

I like the act of drinking tea. Waiting for it to steep (well... I can only wait a couple of minutes before I just go for it... so maybe I don't really like that part), adding just the right amount of milk and sugar, sipping it sip by sip.

(The "sip by sip" thing drives Mike crazy. I'm sorry, Mike, but tea is meant to be sipped, not gulped.)

This year, I found a great spice tea from Celestial Seasonings: Bengal Spice. It's got cinnamon, ginger and cloves, and it tastes a lot like a chai. I like mine with a little bit of milk and sweetener, or made into a cambric (a tea latte).

I also really like chocolate mate... because it's chocolate flavored tea.

(Enough said.)

Best of 09: Packaging

2009-12-15T17:03:00.008-07:00

I've been dreading this question since the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge began, but here it goes.

December 15th: Best Packaging. Did your headphones come in a sweet case? See a bottle of tea in another country that stood off the shelves?

Seriously? I feel like the only way that you would have an answer to this is if you actually saw something that made you yell "that is the best packaging I've ever seen!"... and I don't think that I have said that in 2009...

I guess I will take this opportunity to give props to Apple. The packaging they use is minimal and sleek (just like their products). Every part of the package is used (it irritates me to no end when something comes in a package that is mostly empty space or filled with disposable paper or plastic).

When you get an iPhone (as I was able to do this year) (HELL YES), the box is pretty much the size of the phone. I love that. No mess, no trash, all awesome.

It's not some amazing concept, and it's not new to 2009, but I still think it's pretty cool.

Also, it's the perfect size for your Golden Retriever carry.

Best of 09: Rush

2009-12-14T17:38:00.003-07:00

December 14th: Rush. When did you get your best rush of the year?

I would say the biggest rush I had this year was speaking at my grandmother's funeral.

I didn't think that I could do it. I didn't really want to do it. But I felt so much better after I did.

I felt relieved that it was over.

I felt proud that I had stood in front of 60 plus people and spoken coherently.

I felt happy that I was able to make people laugh instead of cry.

In it's own way, that experience was "a rush".

And, if I'm going to be completely honest, I got a rush when they sang "Somebody to Love" on Glee:

Best of 09: Best Change to My Home

2009-12-13T14:26:00.006-07:00

December 13th: What's the best change you made to place you live.

A few months ago I got a call from Mike on his way to work. He was biking near Family Housing by campus, and he saw a bunch of stuff out back with a big sign that said "free".

Among the old TV sets, used strollers, and beat up snowboards was a big drafting table.

I had been wanting my own desk for awhile. Mike has his own work space, and I usually just moved my computer from the kitchen to the living room and kept all of my ~~shit~~ important documents and prized possessions scattered throughout the house.

I met Mike over there when he got off and saw the table. It was huge and white, the paint was cracking on the surface, and there was the faint outline of a big cartoon man with an afro smoking a gigantic blunt.

It was perfect (?).

We (Mike) hauled it to the car and took it to his parents house. Mike spent over an hour making the surface smooth with an electric sander. We then got some pretty blue contact paper with flowers all over it.

(It's not as eccentric as the humongous weed smoker, but I've made my peace with that.)

It's great to have my own space to blog and read and keep my stuff.

This also led to another change to our house: in order to fit my awesome pretty blue table in the house, we had to get rid of the last remaining piece of the famous "duct-tape couch".

So, this change is somewhat bittersweet.

(For Mike. Apparently he had a deeper attachment to the couch than I thought.)

(Me? Not so much.)

Also, I finished my Christmas decorations:

(I added the Torah after the fact... because it's Chanukah. Also, I couldn't get my hands on a real one.)

(I wrapped those presents in pages from a giant coloring book. So, after my family and friends open their presents, they can have some craft time. It's like two gifts in one. I am generous.)

Best of 09: New Food

2009-12-12T17:16:00.003-07:00

December 12th: New Food. You're now in love with Lebanese food and you didn't even know what it was in January of this year.

You know how I wrote about Tee & Cakes yesterday?

Well, I also have to mention them in this post. This little shop has my absolute new favorite food.

Two words: Cake. Pop.

It is cake... on a stick. Covered in icing. Dipped in chocolate. Decorated with pretty-ness.

It's the perfect treat.

Go get one... NOW.

PS: Today is my mama's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMY!

PPS: I gave her an organizational tool for her birthday. You know, to organize paperwork and stuff. I am, like, the best daughter ever.

PPPS: Also, Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah! I ate ham today for breakfast... it appears that in addition to being the best daughter ever, I'm also the worst Jew ever.

PPPPS: But it was really good ham... speaking of pork products: Tee & Cakes also has a Bacon Chocolate cupcake. It's pretty much the definition of awesome.

PPPPPS: SEE? Worst Jew ever.

Best of 09: Best Place

2009-12-11T15:28:00.003-07:00

Before we get started on today's Best of 2009 Blog Challenge prompt...

(Put this on my list of "shit I should have thought of", right under the snuggie.)

December 11th. The best place. A coffee shop? A pub? A retreat center? A cubicle? A nook?

One of my new favorite places is Tee & Cakes in downtown Boulder. It's a really great spot, complete with cute decor, a great tea selection, and, of course, cupcakes.

(Cupcakes always vastly improve my opinion of a place. Even if I don't actually buy a cupcake, I like that they're there. It's whimsical.)

Also, they have fantastic wireless internet. It really sucks to drag all of your stuff out and order a cup of tea just to realize that you can't connect to the world wide web.

Finally, they tweet great deals. I LOVE when local businesses use social media... especially when those tweets help to feed me.

Best of 09: Album of the Year

2009-12-10T21:24:00.004-07:00

You know it's been cold far too long when you get excited that it's 24 degrees.

Since it was such a beautiful and warm day, I actually left my house, so my post for the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge comes a little later than usual.

But here it is!

(You thought I gave up, didn't you?)

December 10th: Album of the Year. What's rocking your world?

Regina Spektor: Far (Every song on this album is amazing.)

Far - Regina Spektor

The Glee Soundtracks (These songs always put a huge smile on my face.)

(Best. Show. Ever. BTW.)

Glee: The Music, Volume 1 - Gl...

Glee: The Music, Volume 2 - Gl...

The New Moon Soundtrack (Great songs from great artists.)

The Twilight Saga: New Moon Or...

Maybe you're like me and watch Grey's Anatomy with a fiery passion. Maybe you think the cheesy story lines and love triangles are crap. But I assure you, the music on that show is incredible. The songs from this year's episodes make up a soundtrack so amazing and emotional that I have to include this show as one of my favorite albums of the year. (A sample of some of my very favorites):

All songs

Best of 09: Challenge

2009-12-09T13:28:00.005-07:00

The sun is out. It's still 12 degrees, though.

(Why am I complaining about the weather so much? Because this DOESN'T happen in Boulder! We have a wonderful climate where it snows one day, and MELTS a day later. This snow? Has been frozen to my lawn for over a week. I've been here for 24 years, and I assure you, THIS IS NOT BOULDER WEATHER!!)

(If this crazy climate change doesn't convince you that something big is happening, I don't know what will.)

(And by "something big", I mean the Decepticons are coming. Obviously.)

The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge prompt for today?

December 9th: Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?

Well, Blissdom was a challenge.

And being with my grandmother while she was dying certainly took me to my "edge and then some".

But my "best challenge of the year"?

The first time I beat my dad at Words with Friends.

It took a long time, and it wasn't always easy, but I persevered, and am a better person because of it.

(Clearly, I don't feel like going very deep today.)

Best of 09: Moment of Peace

2009-12-08T14:41:00.005-07:00

Best of 2009 Blog Challenge prompt for today:

December 8th: Moment of Peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?

Ironically, this question has been stressing me out.

I don't have a lot of peaceful moments. Believe it or not, my mind is a very busy place (even if my body is, well, not.)

One moment that keeps coming up for me is when my grandma was dying. My mom, brother and I had been at her house for 24 hours. A nurse and social worker from our local Hospice Care came to talk to us. They explained the process of dying, explained what was happening, how to keep my grandmother comfortable, and assured us that she wasn't in pain. We had spent the previous day terrified that we were doing everything wrong. We were afraid that we weren't doing enough (whatever that means). We were afraid that we couldn't leave her alone. That we couldn't relax.

But they took away all of our fears. They told us that we couldn't do anything wrong. She would go when she was ready.

It was like they flipped a switch in us. We relaxed, we breathed, we let ourselves smile. We ended up having a great night. We watched TV, we ate junk food, we laughed. The people from Hospice Care told us that the sounds of us having a good time would probably be reassuring to my grandmother. Even her dog, Rachael, who hadn't left her side in days, came out and sat with us for awhile.

The nurse had told us that it would probably be a few more days before she went, but, of course, she passed away that night. (She never was one to play by the rules.)

It's a little weird to think about, but that night was a good night. My brother, mom and I bonded. My grandma was able to hear us having a good time in the other room. It was... peaceful.

Now, enough about my sweet dead grandma and let's get back to me.

(If that offends you, you obviously didn't know her, because she'd think that was hilarious.)

Yesterday I saw that the weather was supposed to get even colder today, so I decided to buck up and take Bonnie and Hannah to a park a block away. I put on a ridiculous amount of layers, shoved my pants into my boots, and wore my 75 cent gloves from Target.

(Those gloves weren't warm *at all*... shocking.)

We got to the park and started to run around and, sure enough, the dogs started limping with frozen paws.

I TOLD THEM SO.

I fought the urge to rub that fact in their little doggy faces (because I'm mature), and we headed home. When we got to the front yard the girls started to make doggy angels, so I figured maybe they were fine and could handle a little more outside time. Then they started to walk on three legs again, so we scratched that idea.

APPARENTLY Bonnie has forgotten this whole experience because she has spent much of the 5 degree day sitting in the backyard, staring at the kitchen window. I think that she knows I'll see her there, and she's trying to convince me that she's tough enough for a walk.

She then comes inside, burrows under my blanket, and spends the next 15 minutes licking the ice off of her paws.

Yeah, nice try Bonnie. Nice try.

Best of 09: Blog Find of the Year

2009-12-07T13:07:00.003-07:00

From the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge:

December 7th: Blog Find of the Year. That gem of a blog that you can't believe you didn't know about until this year.

Yeah, that's easy.

(Not.)

Do you realize how many blogs there are? Do you realize how many are great? Do you realize that I can't list them all because my fingers are frozen?*

This is the "year of the blog" for me. This is the year that I expanded my blog reading outside of my group of friends. This is the year that I actually found that great wide world called THE BLOGOSPHERE.

(Dun-duh-DUH.)

(That was supposed to be "scary music sounds"... did that not work?)

Hell, this is the year that I found Gwen Bell, whose responsible for this whole series.

Essentially, I found ALL of my favorite blogs this year.

One that stands out right this minute? A very recent find called Ex Hot Girl. Jennifer is totally honest, completely hilarious, and extremely entertaining.

My current blogroll is way out of date, so I'll work on getting it updated as soon as I can, but here it is in case you're curious about some of my other favorites.

What was your favorite blog find this year?

*It is 9 mother fucking degrees here. NINE. And it's been this cold for a WEEK. I'm basically hibernating because Ally B is not meant to go out in this kind of cold. (My ears get really cold and then I want to cry... and crying in NINE DEGREE weather is really bad.) (Two words: frozen snot.) Instead of braving the cold, I've been trying to distract Bonnie. She seems to think that it's MY fault that it's too cold for her little paws to go anywhere.

Best of 09: Conferences & Satan's Pop-Tart

2009-12-06T15:50:00.004-07:00

I'm still here. Still strong. Still freezing (it's 12 freaking degrees here in Boulder).

Today's prompt for the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge:

December 6th: Workshop or Conference. Was there a conference or workshop that you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?

I think that it's kind of cool that I can actually answer this question in the affirmative. Obviously I had some "especially beneficial" experiences in Nashville and Chicago this year because those experiences have already been written about during this challenge.

I didn't necessarily learn a lot about blogging, per se. What I learned was a lot about myself. What I got were some great memories and even better friends.

Sounds pretty good to me.

In other news, I burned myself on a toaster pastry this morning. It was like the devil's pop-tart, it was so hot. I may not have any lasting scars or blisters on the outside, but my psyche is severely damaged.

I write about it because nobody that I've told today has really taken it seriously. I guess this is because I wasn't technically that hurt and still have full function of my hand, but it was horrific, nonetheless.

Thanks for listening. I knew y'all would understand.

Best of 09: Best Night Out

2009-12-05T14:58:00.006-07:00

Today's prompt for the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge is:

December 5th: Night Out. Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night?

I've already written about it here.

It was in Chicago.

Jenny the Bloggess was there.

So was Ali.

Megan from Velveteen Mind stopped by.

The wonderful Stiletto Mom, Mary Anne said some kind words to me.

George declared me his hero for introducing him to Jenny.

Even Jen Lancaster made an appearance.

And, of course, Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) was there.

Awesome.

Another great night was last month with Mike an AH-MAZE-ING Regina Spektor concert.

Regina Spektor |MTV Music

It was the best concert that I've been to in a long time, and every song was incredible. The hours and hours (and hours) spent sitting on the hardest co ncrete ever (and the subsequent sore ass that was a result) was totally worth it when we scored the most perfect spot for the show: front row, able to see her play the piano, and right in front of her keyboard and guitar.

The night was even better when she seamlessly told a rude concert goer to "shut the fuck up" in the middle of one of her songs.

Can you say "hero"?

Best of 09: Favorite Book(s)

2009-12-04T13:40:00.006-07:00

I'm kicking ass and taking names on this whole Best of 2009 Blog Challenge. I've made it two days, which is some sort of personal best.

I should get a medal... or a cookie.

At least a cookie.

December 4th: Book. What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?

My goal for this year was to read 50 books. I am on my 43rd.

(Therefore, December is also dubbed "Don't bother Ally because she has a god damn goal to finish".)

The books that I've read this year have varied from classics and great works of literature to overrated best-sellers and trashy fantasy.

My favorite? I can't list one. Thankfully, I've kept track of all of the books that I've read since January 1st, so I'll list the ones that stand out to me the most.

Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl - This is a book that I've thought a lot about. I didn't love it at first, but it's grown on me a lot.

Bright Lights, Big Ass by Jen Lancaster - I finished this book at Blissdom, hours before I actually met Jen. It was a hilarious book, and my copy now holds a note from the author herself.

Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons - I'm a twelve year old boy.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith - AWESOME. It's romantic and full of zombie killing mayhem. What could be bad?

The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins - I read The Hunger Games in 2008 and it instantly earned a spot on my "favorite books of all time" shelf. This year, the sequel, Catching Fire, came out, so I read them both. Sooooo good.

The Fever Series by Karen Marie Moning - These books are kept in the romance section at the bookstore, so if you see someone ducking into that section with sunglasses, an over sized parka and a wig, it might be me. But shame cannot keep me from these trashy sci-fi stories.

The Twilight Saga - 1) Since 2007, I've read the series four times (only once this year). 2) It's still awesome. 3) TEAM EDWARD. 4) Duh.

I'm in the process of finishing The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It's absolutely amazing and certainly earns a spot on this list.

These books have been given as gifts, shared with family and friends, blogged about, or discussed in front of a hundred fellow geeks.

Now leave me alone... I have a New Year's Resolution to finish up.

Best of 09: Let's Get it Started

2009-12-03T13:32:00.004-07:00

During the month of December, the Social Media Maven Gwen Bell has set out the challenge to reflect on the past 12 months through blogging and twitter.

Well, I always like a challenge.

(LIE. I hate a challenge, but I've decided to suck it up and do this one.)

So I decided to join the growing number of awesome bloggers and participate in the Best of 2009 Blog Challenge.

I figure it's a good way to review the year, and it'll bring me up to 200 posts on this here blog.

Gwen has posted a prompt for each day of December on her blog, and I'm three days late (go figure), so here are my answers to the first three questions:

December 1st: Trip. What was your best trip in 2009?

I've thought a lot about this, and my best trip wasn't the most relaxing or most fun. In fact, I spent an amazing amount of time hiding in my hotel room, crying and downing gratuitous amounts of anti-anxiety medication. I ended up having some really great moments, but overall, my trip to Nashville in February was a tad stressful.

So why would this be my pick for "Best Trip of 2009"? When I went to Nashville for Blissdom '09, it was a huge step for me. I had never been anywhere by myself. I had never had to ride a plane with nobody to hold my hand, or stay in a city where I didn't know a single person.

It was just me.

And I survived. It opened doors for me, because surviving Blissdom allowed me to survive BlogHer, where I had some amazing experiences. It gave me an opportunity to meet some awesome people, who I'm thrilled to call my friends.

It might not have been the "best" trip, but it was the best for me.

December 2nd: Restaurant Moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What tastes stand out in your mind?

You know when you go to a restaurant and sit down near a family and suddenly realize that you should move because that family won't stop laughing or talking about inappropriate things or cussing too loud or being generally annoying?

Yeah, that's my family. So I have a lot of great restaurant experiences.

But for 2009, the first thing that comes to mind is the restaurant that Mike took me to for my birthday in August. It was a place in Denver that we had never been named Potager. All of the food is bought from local farms, and the menu is constantly changing to reflect what's in season.

We sat in the beautiful courtyard in the back, and it was very relaxing.

(Even when the hostess spilled my Prosecco (I'm fancy) and broke the glass.)

(It happens.)

But what do I remember the most? What makes it stand out in my mind? Was it the twinkling lights in the courtyard, or the warmth from a lovely August evening in Colorado, or stealing bites from Mike's meal?

No...

It was the whole Colorado peach that was cooked, hollowed out and stuffed with blue cheese and other deliciousness, wrapped in fancy bacon.

That? Was pure awesomeness... wrapped in bacon...

December 3rd: Best Article. What's an article that you read that blew you away?

It's a hard question to answer because there's just so much news out there.

You know what? Just read The New Yorker and you can find some of the year's best there.

Mmmkay?

Well, that, and the article about Robert Pattinson in Vanity Fair last month.

Duh.

(Note to self: try not to wait and answer three questions in one day because by the third you get bored and your blood sugar starts to dip so you don't take the time to answer the questions. Bad Ally.)

(Note to readers: if you want to join in on the fun, visit Gwen's site to learn more.)

(Another note to readers: The chocolate chip advent calendar was a huge success. I should get an award for that baby.)

I am? Crafty.

2009-12-02T13:58:00.004-07:00

Yesterday I was at the drugstore and I saw Advent Calendars.

I was immediately flooded with images of my childhood: anxiously waiting for dinner to end so that my brother and I could open the little cardboard door for that date and find the little, delicious chocolate treat.

Me: AJ!! I found Advent Calendars! Do you remember those? When did Mom and Dad stop giving us those?

AJ: Probably at the appropriate age to stop being so excited about Advent Calendars.

Me: Asshole.

Last night I was so excited to open the little door labeled "1".

I opened it up, removed the little piece of chocolate shaped like a little present, and...

...it tasted like crap.

Seriously... it crumpled in my mouth, tasted like glue, and burned going down my throat.

Stupid childhood memories bought for $1.50.

BUT, instead of being sad and throwing away my dreams about having an advent calendar this year, I got my creativity on.

Ally B Speakin' Presents:

ALLY B'S AWESOME SOLUTION TO HER CRAPPY ADVENT CALENDAR

Step 1: Get crappy advent calendars for 2 for $3.

Mine:

Mike's:

Step 2: Gather your supplies. You'll need some new, edible candy to replace the crappy shit. You'll also need some tape.

All I have on hand are generic semi-sweet chocolate chips... so be it.

Step 3: Remove crappy candy.

Dispose of the crappy candy responsibly, like in your leftover breakfast.

Step 4: Put good candy (or generic semi-sweet chocolate chips) in the empty spaces.

It's important to keep a sense of excitement and surprise, so mix up how many chocolate chips you put in each space.

But make it more that one chocolate chip, because if you open it up and see only one lonely chocolate chip... well, that's a sad day for everyone.

Step 5: Close them back up. It's preferable to use clear tape because duct tape is just stupid looking... and super glue probably isn't the best idea.

There, I just saved your holiday memories.

You're welcome.

It Must be the Shoes...

2009-11-24T11:42:00.008-07:00

(I don't know why I'm still writing about Lady Gaga... apparently my life now revolves around the woman...)

Lady Gaga |MTV Music

Me: I have been working all day to learn the dance from the "Bad Romance" video, and I just can't do it!! You know, the dance she does during the chorus? In 5 inch heals? Maybe that's my problem: flat feet.

Mike: I'm so sorry.

Me: I know, right? I wouldn't think that it would be so hard, but I guess I'm just not cut out to be a Lady Gaga dancer...

Mike: Ally, stop it. You can be anything you want to be. You are amazing. Keep at it, and your dreams will come true.

Me: That's quite possibly the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Mike: Well, I mean it. And once you learn the dance... you can teach it to me.

So THIS is a goal that he's behind 100 percent, but the whole Mariska Hargitay (MARISKA HARGITAY!!!) crime fighting turtle thing was just too "out there".

Sometimes, I just don't understand him.

Fighter

2009-11-16T17:06:00.006-07:00

I learned something today.

When you send out a tweet or status update about attacking people, soon all you can do is think about attacking people.

I sent this out this afternoon:

Woman across from me at coffee shop has her pepper spray on the table. My plans to attack her have been destroyed. Today is a total waste.

Followed by this tweet 5 minutes later:

Not that I *wanted* to attack anyone, but now it's a little sad that the option isn't even there... #atleastImakemyselflaugh

And now it's been half an hour and I've spent the whole time staring at people wondering if I could take 'em out in a fight.

(I blame this on the fact that I just re-read The Twilight Saga (again) and have super strong vampires on the brain, and therefore wish that *I* was super strong... and possibly a vampire... shut up.)

(PS: IloveEdwardCullenOhMyGOD.)

(Don't tell Mike that... he's fairly annoyed with my undying love for a fictional vampire whose biggest fault is that he cares too much.)

(... MUST FOCUS...)

I have come to the conclusion that the majority of the patrons here would probably overtake me. Except for that 5 year old over there crying because his mom won't get him a cupcake (bitch)... or that dude in the over-sized cowboy hat. Either would probably be a fair match in a fight.

Maybe I should start putting my pepper spray on the table? And nunchucks... and at least one ninja throwing star (two would be tacky).

Then that 5 year old wouldn't stand a chance.

(Word of advice? Don't listen to Lady Gaga in public. It makes you dance and then your lethal aura is totally screwed. No amount of nunchucks and throwing stars can make up for a Lady Gaga performance (no matter how kick ass it is) in public.)

(I'm pretty sure no vampire would make that mistake.)

(You think I'm a loser for listening to Lady Gaga? Come on over here... I'll show you my nunchucks up close.)

(That was mean... if you're reading this blog I wouldn't attack you. I love you.)

(Wait?! I'm not a loser for loving Lady Gaga, but I am one for being ~~madly in love~~ ~~obsessed~~ appropriately interested in Twilight? I will DESTROY YOU.)

(Wow. That was totally uncalled for. I'm so, so sorry... sorta.)

(I think the five year old and the guy in the cowboy hat are plotting against me... or it's the caffeine affecting my judgment... hard to tell.)

(Or maybe they like my Poker Face performance? I think I need to leave.)

Lady Gaga |MTV Music

One of Those Days

2009-10-08T13:43:00.003-06:00

I had some very simple goals today.

Get up, get dressed, work at a coffee shop, and go grocery shopping for a nice dinner.

(We're having a nice dinner because JIM AND PAM ARE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT!!)

(Yes, I realize that I'm cooking in celebration of the marriage between a fictional couple but ohmygodit'sJimandPam'swedding!!)

(Moving on.)

So I went to a coffee shop, unloaded my stuff, and went to buy a hot chocolate with... my forgotten wallet.

I forgot my god damn wallet.

So I re-packed my stuff and drove home and got my god damn wallet.

Then I went back and drank my hot chocolate and worked for a couple of hours, and then I went to the grocery store.

I walked in, grabbed my wallet, and grabbed my... non-existent grocery list.

I lost the god damn grocery list.

So I stood in the corner and tried to remember everything that I need for tonight.

Chicken? Check.

Veggies? Check.

Milk? Check.

Hot chocolate because wow it's cold outside? Check.

I got it all, came home and looked at the recipe and... got back in the car because I forgot a god damn key ingredient.

But, being the positive gal that I am, I decided it was a blessing because I also forgot to get my Count Chocula.

(Very important diet staple, people.)

So I went in, got the key ingredient for my celebration dinner of a fictional marriage and... they were out of Count Chocula.

The hell? It's OCTOBER, store! You know? The month of HALLOWEEN! It's the prime season for Vampire related chocolate-y-marshmallow-y goodness!

Seriously?!?!

So I got the Magically Delicious variety of dried marshmallow cereal instead...

(Maybe I'll pour some of that hot chocolate mix in there?)

Now I am home and in my comfy pants because, let's face it, it's where I'm obviously supposed to be.

PS: Bonnie was far too excited to see me in my comfy pants. She's just finished her 37th lap around the house all while thinking (I assume) "Mama's home! First she left! Then she came back! Then she left! Then she came back! Then she left! Then she came back! And now she's in comfy pants so she must be staying and it's so exciting because ohmygod I missed her!!" That, or she's high.

PPS: No, I don't get my dog high, you psycho. I'm just saying that it's a possibility since she's acting all crazy excited. If she is high it's totally not my fault... I blame the media.

PPPS: While driving to the store for the second time I realized that Bonnie's Halloween costume is a bee... which is sad. That's sorta like dressing a kid who's allergic to peanuts... as a peanut...

PPPPS: Yes, the dogs have Halloween costumes. Bonnie has a wildly inappropriate bee costume and Hannah has a flower costume... We. Are. Awesome.

Yes, I do Write Letters to my Dogs

2009-10-06T13:42:00.001-06:00

Dear dogs,

The other day we went for a walk, and you did really well.

You didn't freak out when that old dog who sleeps in his front yard barked at you because you were within 27 feet of his territory.

And you didn't try to eat any bees.

(Can you say "progress"?)

Of course, you did start to freak out when that old man was walking several yards behind us, because you were JUST NOT HAPPY he was there.

But that's okay, because it's good to have you protect me.

And then you were all excited because you got to see Grandma and Grandpa because you love them and they give you those big bones that we don't let you have anymore at home because the vet told us you were c-h-u-b-b-y.

But then... we were driving home and there was a tiny little dog in the car next to us at a stop light and you...

ATTACKED THE DOOR.

Seriously??? WTF, girls?

-Mama

PS: Yesterday you gave me your famous sad eyes and forced me to take you out in the rain to roll around in the grass.

I will be expecting my "Mama of the Year" plaque any day now.

Laugh

2009-10-05T15:21:00.004-06:00

After I spoke at my grandmother's memorial two weeks ago, I was approached by several people who all said the same thing:

"You should do stand-up comedy."

I know... it's a weird thing for someone to say to the granddaughter of the deceased. But I guess I was flattered.

I managed to make people laugh during a pretty shitty situation, and that's always cause for celebration, huh?

But I didn't stand up there intending to make people laugh. My grandma was just a funny person (the woman wrote jokes in her will, people), and so I just spoke about what I thought she'd want to hear.

(Which just happens to include telling everyone in the room to vote Democrat, because if they didn't, she'd know.)

I could say a lot more about the past two or three weeks... but it's just not gonna happen.

The Importance of Good Goals

2009-09-11T13:57:00.005-06:00

The other day Mike and I were watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and I decided to explain to Mike that one of my favorite names of all time is Mariska Hargitay.

Seriously, say it.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

MARISKA HARGITAY!!

Don't you feel awesome?

I believe that now is the time to tell all of you (including an representatives of Ms. Hargitay, because they totally read my blog) that I do not have any unnatural feelings for or against the actual Mariska Hargitay.

Just her name.

Really, I'm not a stalker.

So I'm telling Mike that Mariska Hargitay is a great name and really we should get some sort of pet and name it Mariska Hargitay.

Like a goldfish... or a ferret... or a TURTLE.

Then I went through a whole scenario where we live in our house with Bonnie, Hannah, and Mariska Hargitay the Turtle. We spend our days lounging around, feeding Mariska Hargitay the Turtle lettuce leaves and telling Hannah to "PUT MARISKA HARGITAY DOWN!!"

Then I told Mike about how I've been reading a lot of blog posts about the importance of goals, and how one of them suggested writing your goals down as a statement with a date, rather than a desire with no set time. This means that instead of saying "I want to eat 37 hot dogs in an hour", you say "In July 2013 I have eaten 37 hot dogs in an hour".

SO, I told Mike that this seemed like a good idea, so I have a turtle named Mariska Hargitay in December 2011.

(Christmas present, anyone?)

Then Mike told me to shut up and watch the rest of the show.

Well, THEN I saw one of those police officers break down a door with one of those long door-breaker-downer-thingys (technical term) and decided that I wanted to do that. So I have a door-breaker-downer-thingy in 2o12.

THEN I started thinking that it would be REALLY cool if we had a turtle named Mariska Hargitay who fought crime. So I came up with a whole scenario where I would break down the doors and then send in Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and we would play the theme song from Law and Order and we would be FAMOUS.

THEN I started thinking that we probably shouldn't be fighting any really scary criminals because in all honesty Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and I wouldn't be the *fastest* of crime fighting teams.

(And that's not necessarily because Mariska Hargitay the Turtle would be the slower of the two of us.)

So I decided that we will need a niche in the crime fighting world. And that niche should be to go after people with unpaid parking tickets. But even those people have the potential to be scary. So we're going to go after people with unpaid parking tickets who are addicted to marijuana, because, really, what's more harmless to me and a turtle than stoners who don't pay their parking tickets.

(Why yes, I am a genius.)

So, in September of 2014 (I figure we need some time to train), Mariska Hargitay the Turtle and I are breaking down doors to fight criminals who have not paid their parking tickets and who are high.

There's really nothing more important than goals.

Birthday Wishes?

2009-08-31T14:26:00.005-06:00

Time: 1:15 PM MST

Call to: Ally's Father

Conversation as follows:

Dad: Hello?

Me: I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALL AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY!!

Dad: OK, hang on. *hangs up*

Time: 1:16 PM MST

Call from: Ally's Father

Conversation as follows:

Dad: *The Happy Birthday Song*

Me: WOW! Thanks... that was completely unexpected.

Time: 1:18 PM MST

Call to: Ally's Mother

Conversation as follows:

Mom: Hello?

Me: I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALL AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY!!

Mom: Well, I was being respectful.

Me: Respectful of what?

Mom: I wanted to let you sleep in on your birthday morning.

Me: MOM!? It's one o'clock in the freakin afternoon... how late do you think I sleep?!

Mom: Well, then I got busy. Retirement makes me a very busy woman. Plus, I'll see you in a couple hours. I'll call you soon.

Time: 1:21 PM MST

Call from: Ally's Mother

Conversation as follows:

Me: Hello crazy woman.

Mom: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUNSHINE!

Me: You saw my tweet, didn't you? You're just trying to make up for it so that I retract my tweet, aren't you?

Mom: Oh, let me guess, you wrote about how unloved you are?

Me: No... that's what my blog is for.

Then she went on to tell me about what an adorable outfit she's wearing today.

Awesome.

My brother didn't even pick up the phone... he is probably hiding. BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE MESSED UP.

PS: I did get a call from my Grandma... she said she forgot the words to Happy Birthday...

PPS: If you sent me a note or email or text or sky writing message: thank you. I appreciate it. You are awesome. My parents and brother should be ASHAMED.

PPPS: Not really... I forgive them... because I am now a GROWN UP, people.

PPPPS: Mike said that my birthday presents are on the bed and that I am NOT allowed to go in there. So I threw some cereal in there so that Hannah would go after it and then maybe retrieve the presents "by accident"... it didn't work. *Golden Retriever FAIL*.

PPPPPS: And now we're out of cereal. Damn.

ATTACK

2009-08-24T21:21:00.004-06:00

My mom and I went camping with a whole gaggle of girls this past weekend.

And by "camping" I mean we took two amazing RVs up to a lake less than an hour away where we ate cheese and crackers and had root beer floats and an amazing variety of alcoholic beverages... and I got to sleep in a feather bed.

(VERY important when it comes to sleeping in the great outdoors.)

Then, on the first night, while I was brushing my teeth, my mom decided to set up the coffee pot for the next morning.

Mom: Um, that's weird... wait... what?... OH MY GOD!!!

Me: What are you whining about?

Mom: ANTS! In the coffee pot!!

Me: Ants? *Walks over and expects a few ants* HOLY SHIT! *Sees a SWARM of ants pour from a large coffee pot in a flood of moving back GROSSNESS*

Mom: KILL THEM!

What followed was several minutes of my mother and me smashing insects and trying to drown them in the sink (with a very small supply of RV water).

Then, just to be sure, my mother decided to send an array of cleaning chemicals down the drain... a concoction of 409, Windex, and Easy Off Foaming Oven Cleaner seemed to do the trick.

(And caused my eyes to water and my throat to swell shut... but DIE ANTS DIE!!)

Then we cleared off the entire counter, my mom pointing at anything that moved and me spraying the offending creature with my pistol of 409 spray.

(All while screaming KILL THE FUCKERS and OhmygodOhmygod-we're-going-to-die.)

This is why we don't camp.

PS: At one point one of the little dogs went into another room (yes, this RV has ROOMS), and my mother promptly screamed that the ants had taken the dog away... THAT'S HOW MANY ANTS THERE WERE... (and how freaked out my mother was by this event). (Logic has never been her strong suit in a traumatic event.)

PPS: If you're part of some Ant-Loving organization and find the mass murder of these ants offensive... screw you.

PPPS: I am currently in Florida with my grandmother, mother, cousins and great aunts... the sentence "We're not dysfunctional, just funny" has been spoken... It's going to be a LOOOOONG, very humid week.

Devil Kitty

2009-08-06T12:40:00.002-06:00

I have written about my lack of love for cats before.

Well, Lightning Legs went and got herself a little bitty kitty, so I had to re-evaluate my feelings about cats. I mean, a cat is now a part of the family, so I have to get over my fear that a cat will rip out my throat when I'm not looking.

(Or at least make my peace with it.)

So I went to the store and got a whole bunch of cat toys to appease the devil kitty.

(BTW, cats toys? Look exactly like sex toys. What the hell is up with that?)

I also made Marlin (that's the devil kitty's name) a card...

When we showed up at the house, I immediately ripped open all of the toys and scattered them across the floor.

(Keep the kitty distracted from your neck = number one rule in devil kitty survival.)

Soon, I had Marlin attacking everything in site (EXCEPT my vital organs), and he had no interest in me:

While I was trying to appease the devil kitty with my offering, Mike told me that I was doing pretty well for someone who hates cats.

I explained that regardless of how I feel about cats in general (DEVIL!!), Marlin is so freaking cute it hurts... I then compared the kitty to Dexter: he's adorable, and I love him, but at the end of the day, he's still a serial killer.

I'm very happy that Lightning Legs has Marlin... but I won't be sleeping over at her house anytime soon...

Best. Night. Ever.

2009-07-30T12:57:00.012-06:00

My personal goal for BlogHer 2009 was to meet Jenny the Bloggess and confess my undying love for her.

(I also had work goals... and goals to not panic... all accomplished!)

(But THIS is the important one.)

(And the most entertaining.)

If you don't know who The Bloggess is... you and I really shouldn't be friends. But I'll fill you in...

Jenny is the most HILARIOUS woman out there. Seriously. And, I can now say, one of the sweetest women too.

When I found out that I was going to this conference, I was thrilled for a lot of reasons. Yes, it would be great to be able to go for my job, and yes, it would be great to meet all of these awesome people, and I got to see some old family friends in Chicago.

But, let's face it, the fact that Jenny was there was at the top of my list of "GREATEST THINGS ABOUT GOING TO BLOGHER!!"

So, the first night I went to a party that she would be at. And I knew that she'd be in the bathroom...

(I should probably explain that Jenny has a major panic disorder, so she doesn't like big crowds (I can relate), so she hides out in the bathroom...)

I went to the party, started talking to a girl (also named Ali, and she is awesome), and I soon found out that she actually KNOWS JENNY. Holy shit, y'all... it was fate.

So we decided to hunt her down, and we checked the bathrooms.

And there she was!

In the bathroom! Talking to some people! Looking hot as hell in her confidence wig!

Her sticker has a picture of her and says, "It's only offensive to assholes."

I was so excited. She is a blogging celebrity, and a personal hero of mine, so I was VERY happy to have found her in the 5th floor bathroom outside of ballroom B at the Sheraton in Chicago.

Then... This woman walked in.

Yes, those are empty prescription bottles that she's using as hair rollers. According to her, it's "really fucking hard to get those fucking labels off of these fucking bottles".

And she screamed "WHAT'S UP MY BITCHES?"

And then she offered me her water bottle... which was filled with straight vodka. (I politely declined.) She had the water bottle filled with straight vodka because she "wasn't gonna pay 9 fucking dollars for a fucking drink".

(I have to agree with that.)

THEN, she pulled out her "Judy Garland Trail Mix":

That is totally real, people. There is a warning label saying that there is an alarm on there and if you take anything the bottle will "fuck you up".

THEN she pulled out a file half an inch thick that had all of her prescriptions in it, to show that it was ALL LEGAL...

THEN she made her way over towards Jenny and said "It's my Bloggess!" I have to admit, all of us were a little worried. I mean... Jenny has anxiety and she hangs out in the bathroom so that she can stay away from people who will make her nervous...

But then this woman kissed Jenny on the cheek, and Jenny said, "Have you met my friend, Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal."

Jenny's hat says "Raised by Wolverines". Nancy's says "Jesus Christ".

Now, if you don't read The Bloggess, that means nothing to you. (You should read this to understand the HUGENESS OF THIS SCENARIO!) But if you do follow her, you would have joined me and Ali in our wash of understanding over what had just happened...

"OOOOOOOHHHHH!! That's Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal!"

Nancy sends these OUTRAGEOUS emails to Jenny and Jenny posts (edited versions) of them on her site. They're hilarious, and many people are convinced that Nancy is actually NOT REAL because WHO WOULD BE THAT CRAZY?

Well, I am here as a witness. Nancy IS that CRAZY. But she is also that AWESOME.

(Seriously, Nancy was so freaking sweet, and gave me the biggest hug ever.)

Me and Nancy...

(She also said that I was hot and she would fuck me (her words), which is always nice to hear.)

So, I spent the whole first night with Jenny and Nancy. And it was awesome. Seriously, best night ever.

I love that Jenny included me and let me follow her around... and she called me awesome... which is also always nice to hear.

ME AND JENNY!! YAYAYAY!

(To see different sizes of these pictures (you know, so you can inspect exactly which pills are in the "Judy Garland Trail Mix"), go here.)

To BlogHer and Back

2009-07-22T17:45:00.007-06:00

I thought that I'd give everyone fair warning that I'm headed to Chicago tomorrow to attend a huge blogging conference.

So if I post about something scary in Chicago or something funny in Chicago or something that's neither scary nor funny but more about how I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR in Chicago... that's why.

You can follow my tweets of the event here.

Or here.

And I'll be posting some stuff over here.

And maybe here, too...

But those posts that are panic-induced and/or alcohol related? Well, I promise to post those pieces of ~~shit~~ awesomeness right here.

Overall... I'm nervous about going to Chicago. I mean, excited, yes, but the buildup is a tad nerve racking...

And if I was positive that Bonnie and Hannah wouldn't go all "Old Yeller with rabbis" on some child, I would totally bring them and pretend that they were service dogs...

Or my personal bodyguards hired by some government agency to protect me...

Or search and rescue (if what you needed rescued were socks and/or tennis balls).

But I don't think that's going to work... which kinda sucks... because I already had fake "service dog" t-shirts made for them... and gave them code names.

It looks like Hannah, aka "The Destroyer", and Bonnie, aka "Joan", will have to stay home.

Sad.

I am Still Alive

2009-07-15T10:43:00.004-06:00

I know, I've been missing from this blog for awhile.

But you know what? It's because I'm ~~lazy~~ busy.

I have a job (wootwoot!) with an awesome online company called Zwaggle, which is done entirely on the internet. Therefore, when I'm done for the day, typing on a blog is not at the top of my list of things to do.

(Y'all should totally check out Zwaggle.com. Especially if you ~~love me~~ have children in your life... We're also on Twitter and Facebook, so check it out - if for no other reason than because I manage them.)

(Seriously.)

I also haven't really had that much to say. I made a deal with myself that I would *try* not to put total crap up anymore (seriously, some of my old posts make me cringe), so I only post when I have something interesting, weird, or hilarious to write about.

And nothing that interesting, weird, or hilarious has really happened lately.

I mean... I have a bug bite the size of a decent sized strawberry on my ankle that has caused me to abstain from wearing shoes that have a back on them because my foot won't fit.

And I got an iPhone... but my vocabulary regarding it has been mostly squeals of delight and drooling over its awesomeness... plus, after saying "HELL YES SUCKAS" about two dozen times, I ran out of things to say about it.

(It's great, by the way, and I'm sure I'll write a full post about it soon... after the drooling stops.)

And I went to a child's birthday party where my 2 year old cousin made me feel bad about myself because I couldn't touch my nose with my tongue.

See? Nothing really worthy of a longer blog post. SO...

I started a Tumblr blog to post little tidbits on.

This is where I'm posting those little things that I want to tell the world (like how I have to pee in coffee shops, like, 15 times in an hour... you know, important stuff) that just don't warrant a long blog post.

(Plus, there's an App for Tumblr so I can post anywhere... which is helpful.)

Therefore, if you need some more frequent Ally B Speakin fixes, visit www.allybspeakin.tumblr.com. I post there more often, sometimes with pictures from Regina (that's my iPhone's name... duh...).

I also sometimes post on Zwaggle's blog, so be sure to check that out.

(Though I can't cuss or talk about peeing on there quite as much... but it's still fun...)

(PS: If any of you bloggers out there would be interested in writing a blog post about how awesome Zwaggle is, contact me at ally [at] zwaggle [dot] com!)

(PPS: If you're not a blogger, but still want to write about how awesome Zwaggle is... get a blog... or some spray paint and a blank wall...)

(PPPS: Or just tell your friends.)

(PPPPS: And strangers...)

Obsessed

2009-07-04T22:23:00.002-06:00

You might be a tad obsessed with Harry Potter if:

1) Your boyfriend asks you where you want to walk the dogs and you say, "We should take Hannah to the Quidditch field to run around".

2) You start calling your Golden Retriever "Hermione"... by accident. (True story.)

3) You break people into two different categories: "Friends" and "Slytherines".

4) You watch the last 20 minutes of "The X-Files: I Want to Believe" so that you won't miss a minute of the premier of "HBO's First Look: Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince".

5) You say "Lumos" whenever you flip the lights on.

If you are showing any or all of these symptoms...

You are awesome.

PS: There was no Fit or Fail post last week because my brother returned from a year abroad, and celebrating that was way more important that Fit or Fail.

PPS: There won't be a Fit or Fail post tomorrow as I have spent the last week SICK, therefore my workouts this past week have been loading the dishwasher and taking a shower. (Both of these activities resulted in a massive jump in my heart rate and a subsequent nap...)

Love Letter

2009-06-26T12:30:00.003-06:00

Dear Mike,

Thanks for not laughing or rolling your eyes when I called you as you were leaving work to ask if you would get me some frozen yogurt on your way home.

And thanks for thinking that it was totally normal that I wanted Cap'n Crunch as my topping.

And thanks for watching Michael Jackson videos with me and then listening to me ramble about how he was a freakin' genius and how he essentially changed pop culture as we know it.

And thanks for making me spit out my water when you said that you were named after him.

And thanks for checking the backyard to find out what that scary noise was. Some people might have thought you looked silly with your head through the dog door to see if our neighbors were murdering someone, but I felt very safe looking at your torso stuck half inside/half outside the house.

Loves,

Ally B

The King

2009-06-25T23:01:00.007-06:00

I used to watch this video over and over again.

No, it's not "Thriller".

Yes, it's the most expensive music video of all time.

(I've always had amazing taste.)

And, yes, I kinda wish my brother and I had come up with more synchronized choreography in leather pants...

(It's too late now; my brother has broken knees and I can't fit into tight leather pants... oh, what could have been...)

Michael Jackson |MTV Music

Fit or Fail: Apathetic Edition

2009-06-22T18:14:00.003-06:00

I didn't write a Fit or Fail post yesterday because a bee stung Bonnie and sent the poor dog into anaphylactic shock. (She's fine today.)

Sooooo, writing about my adventures in fitness land was not really something I wanted to do while waiting for a call from the Doggy ER that told me we could go get her.

(The call came at 2 AM. The doctor kindly informed me that it would be great if we could pick her up as soon as possible because Bonnie "really wants to come home". The doc quickly told me that Bonnie wasn't being "bad, per se... she just wants to leave"... I'm kind of wondering what Bonnie really did...)

But here I am, with a sleeping Bonnie next to me (she's still doped up on Benadryl), thinking about my fitness. And I am realizing that I have reached that place where I always fail:

I have little to no motivation.

I have little to no desire to workout.

I have trouble keeping track of what I'm eating.

I don't want to go to the gym.

It would help if I had some amazing results to motivate me to continue. But? I have none. No great results. Nothing to help convince me that my goals are in reach.

Now, I'm hoping that by telling you all this, it will inspire me to be FIT and not let this lead to a FAIL. I have not missed one of my scheduled workouts (FIT!), and I don't plan on it. I plan on beating this apathy, because I don't want to start over again.

But, man, it blows.

Nicknames

2009-06-18T18:17:00.003-06:00

The following conversation occurred completely randomly:

Mike: What do you think would be a good nickname for me?

Me: Thunder.

Mike: No... I'm thinking something cooler... like "Pickles".

Me: How is THAT cooler than "Thunder"?

Mike: Or another vegetable... like "Onion" or "Shallot".

Me: Nope... you're "Pickles", Pickles.

Mike: No, I changed my mind.

Me: Now, Pickles, I tried to give you a cool name like "Thunder" -

Mike: But I'm trying to find a serious name...

Me: So you picked "Pickles"?

Mike: It sounded better in my head.

Me: Fine, Pickles.

Mike: Stop calling me that.

I continued to call him Pickles and he almost left me... so yeah... don't try it on him... Pickles be pissed.

Fit or Fail: Squats are not for Sissies Edition

2009-06-14T13:49:00.003-06:00

Mike decided that he would try the same strength moves as me.

The moves that caused me to waddle around like a broken down duck for a week straight.

When we did the squats, push-ups, and other death moves, Mike said that he was surprised that it was so difficult, but he seemed to do okay.

But soon...

HE was the one with the waddle.

HE was the one who almost threw up his protein shake.

HE was the one who whimpered every time he bent down to fill up the dog's water bowl.

(Though he did get over it much faster than me... and honestly, he didn't bitch NEARLY as much... and then he went and climbed a mountain...but still...)

And even though I would NEVER wish that pain on the man I love... it still felt kinda awesome.

In other news, I've continued the same workout program as last week and I'm getting better. I'm still sore, but not immobile. I'm sure it will get worse once I add weight and different moves, but for now I'm happy I can get into my car without weeping.

Selective Hearing

2009-06-09T15:58:00.003-06:00

Over the last few days I've thought that there's something wrong with Bonnie.

She's been shaking her head, scratching her ears, and not coming in the house when I call her.

I cleaned out her ears, but none of the gunk that comes with ear infections was there.

I asked Mike if something was wrong with her.

She was sitting on the back of couch (where she is NOT allowed), staring outside, head perked up and eyes darting over the street, guarding her precious house.

"Bonnie?"

No response.

"Bonnie!"

No response.

Uh-oh. What do we do with a deaf dog? Can I teach her sign language? Are there classes for dogs like this?

Then a dog (three houses away) barked.

And Bonnie jumped off the back of the couch and outside, barking and growling the whole way.

She heard THAT just fine.

So yeah... she doesn't need sign language... she needs obedience lessons... damn dog.

Fit or Fail: Open Letter Edition

2009-06-07T13:08:00.004-06:00

Dear Muscles,

What did I ever do to you?

Yes, I've let you go soft over the years. No, I haven't used you to your fullest abilities. And maybe I haven't done my best to give you the nutrients that you need.

But, seriously.

WTF??

I decided to get you all strong and stuff, so I asked an expert what to do and he told me to get this book. And because he's an expert, I went out and got it. And read it. And did the first two workouts.

And now? I can't walk... or bend... or lift anything.

Although it would be easy to blame said expert, or said book, I am going to say that it's not their fault.

It's YOUR fault, muscles.

You have conspired against me. You hate me. You have decided that I am some evil dictator in a world war and so you are going to take me down from the inside out (sort of like that Nazi Tom Cruise played... with the eye patch...).

You are trying to kill me.

(I'm ESPECIALLY talking to you, quads!)

But, I'm not stopping. That's just what you want, and I'm not going to give in.

I'm going to keep working on you so that you get bigger, stronger, and rue the day that you tried to take me down.

So, buck up, because I could really use your help.

In extreme pain,

Ally B

**********************************************************************

Dear Book,

Might I suggest packaging this book with a heating pad, and possibly a prescription for Vicodin?

In Serious Need of Hard-Core Pain Medication,

Ally B

**********************************************************************

Dear Expert,

Thanks for the suggestion and help, but I can't help but wonder if you're actually not only a fitness expert writer, but also trained in torturing people.

If you don't watch LOST, then you won't understand why, but I think I'm going to call you Sayid.

(He's a super nice guy that just happens to be an expert in torturing enemies for information... and he's a trained killer... but otherwise, he's a real stand-up sorta dude.)

I'm just saying that I don't think you would recommend these workouts if you didn't have some other agenda...

I just don't know what you want from me.

Thankful and in Pain,

Ally B

The Winner!

2009-06-01T18:51:00.006-06:00

I know, I know.

I took a long time to do this, but that's because I needed to get my hands on (my mother's) camera so that I could do a video blog documenting picking the winner of my first blog contest!

Below you'll find four videos of us picking a winner...

That's right.

FOUR.

For some reason, I kept pushing the "stop" button... it was instinct! And, therefore, the videos are all separate.

And some of them are only 11 seconds long...

I don't know why I kept doing that.

And I didn't realize I sounded like that.

And I know that my filming is shaky... so shut up.

(You're probably wondering why I just didn't re-shoot everything... but the process was already IN MOTION... FATE was already working... and I'm not messing with FATE... it wouldn't have been fair to the winner.)

You might as well just watch them...

Blog Contest Part I from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

This is where I realize that I've started a new video...

Blog Contest Part II from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

Classy, huh?

Blog Contest Part III from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

(I just realized that I sort of snapped "Michael grab her"... I'm sorry, Mike... you were a fabulous (and beautiful) assistant... being a director/camera woman is stressful...)

And, finally, a winner is announced!

Blog Post Part IV from Ally Carrillo on Vimeo.

So congratulations to Mark! I think that Hannah picked it on purpose, because Mark is one of her favorite people... and Bonnie has a major crush on him, so she probably rigged it...

Sorry about that.

You can see Mark's photoblog here.

(OH! Are you in Colorado? Are you getting married? Do you want an amazing photographer? Mark (and his partner in crime, the majestic Scott) are your best bet! Seriously... they're awesome...)

Thanks to all of you for participating. It means so much to me that you took the time to comment, to officially follow, and to just READ what I have to say.

If I could, I would give all of you a gift certificate to Amazon.

(Except not really... If I had that money, I'd put it towards a much needed iPhone...)

(But it's the thought that counts...)

Oh, and Mark, I forgot... there's one little "catch" to this little game...

You have to use the ten bucks to buy me a present...

Or buy me an iPhone...

Did I forget to mention that?

Fit or Fail: But not Really Edition

2009-05-31T23:15:00.003-06:00

It's 11:16 PM on Sunday, and I JUST realized that I hadn't written a Fit or Fail post! So here I am... but I don't really have much to say...

I'm working on getting my workout routine turned up a notch (enter weight training) (enter pain) (enter tears), so that's a FIT...

I'm having trouble with eating only good stuff... so FAIL.

So we're one and one!

(Looking on the bright side, people...)

Other than that... we'll just have to see for this week.

Also, I am totally going to post the winner from last week's contest. I want to do it as a video (so y'all can't accuse me of cheating or being unfair... and so you can see Bonnie and Hannah's terrible haircuts), and I just borrowed a working camera, so I'll post it soon!

Otherwise, since this is so lame... here:

You're welcome...

Bandits (Now with Bad Haircuts)

2009-05-28T18:48:00.005-06:00

Our dogs are mutants.

Freaks of nature.

Apparently capable of things that we didn't think canine-ly possible.

We left the dogs alone for eight hours last weekend and I totally expected to find certain items out of place.

It's common enough to find a blanket outside or a coat lying on the floor when we leave the dogs by themselves for an extended period of time.

I get it. They're pissed.

But we did NOT expect to come home and find the doors wide open to both bedrooms.

Nor did we expect to find the dog beds shoved under our bed, clothes from the third shelf of the closet shoved under my hamper, or my slippers wedged between the wall and the dresser.

We also didn't expect to find a Costco pack of toilet paper torn open and all of the rolls thrown under the desk in our guest room. Or the rug in that room pushed into a corner, even though it had 45 pounds worth of weights on it.

No... all of this was a complete shock.

(So much so that Mike worried that we had been robbed. I pointed out that all of our possessions were still there, and that I doubt there's a criminal on the loose re-arranging dog furniture.)

But even MORE shocking. Coming home the next night (after far less time alone) to the door to the bedroom open, even though there was a TERRIFYING vacuum cleaner in front of it.

Or coming home last night to the door open (and dog beds rearranged) even after we left an elaborate blockade which included one hamper, an ottoman, a mop, and a broom...

So I can't help but picture that scene in Jurassic Park when the woman's like, "The raptors can't get out, unless they learned how to open doors" - and then it jumps to the raptor OPENING THE FUCKING DOOR!!

(I hid behind the couch the first time I ever saw that scene and I still fight the urge to do so again.)

So, yeah. Our dogs are EVOLVING.

(Since they don't destroy anything while they're in the bedroom, we've just decided to just leave the damn door open when we leave. They OBVIOUSLY have something very important to do in that room, so we might as well try and save the door (which now has a fair amount of the paint scratched off... apparently getting the door open takes a few swipes first...).)

PS: To punish them we gave them haircuts.

PPS: It wasn't punishment, it was just their summer hair cutting time.

PPPS: But it might as well have been punishment because we are not groomers and our dogs now look like: A) They have mange, B) We let them groom each other, or C) They've had a run-in with a weed-whacker. I told them that even when the other neighborhood dogs laugh and point they should hold their little bald heads high.

PPPPS: You have less than twenty hours to enter the contest for a gift certificate to Amazon.com. So you better get on that...

I am Not Above Bribing You

2009-05-25T12:00:00.001-06:00

We're going to play a game.

And it is going to be awesome.

(Well... not really, but let's be enthusiastic, yes?)

I have a TEN DOLLAR gift certificate to Amazon.com that I am going to give to one of my readers.

Yes. You read that right.

TEN DOLLARS.

TEN BIG ONES.

TEN. AMERICAN. DOLLARS.

(I know ten dollars isn't a lot, but it's all I have, so shut up and enjoy.)

TEN DOLLARS TO AMAZON.COM!!

Woo-hoo!

So, instead of using this AMAZING gift for myself, I'm giving it to one of you. But you have to work for it.

Each time you do one of the following things you are entered to win the gift card. The more things you do, the better chance you have.

Ready?

First, follow this site (officially). You do this by clicking the "follow" button in that Google box thingy over there →.

(You need a Google, Yahoo, AIM, NetLog, or OpenID username and password to do this. If you don't have any of these accounts, and don't want to sign up for one, then email me at allyb [at] allybspeakin [dot] com and tell me, and we'll figure something out.)

If you're already a follower, you're already entered once. (But you'll totally want to do these other things so that you can have better odds, right? Right.)

Second, leave a comment on this post (read this if you don't know how to do that). The comment can be about anything, but sending me notes about how awesome I am will get you bonus points.

(Not official bonus points... hypothetical bonus points that actually mean nothing.)

Oh, and don't leave an anonymous comment because I won't be able to contact you if you win!

Third, you can follow me on Twitter: @AllyBSpeakin.

(If you're already following me on Twitter, say so in your comment and I'll enter you for that.)

(If you're not on Twitter... tough luck.)

Sound great? Yeah, I know it does.

(Again, I know ten dollars isn't a lot, but it's all I have to bribe you all to actually follow/comment/tweet me.)

SO, if you follow me here and then leave a comment and then follow me on Twitter you will be entered THREE times to win!

This contest ends on Friday, May 29th, at noon (Mountain Time, because I'm in charge).

So go forth and show this blog some love.

Fit or Fail: Vegas Edition

2009-05-24T08:00:00.001-06:00

FIT: Everything in Vegas is FARRRRRRRRRRRRR. Really, really far. Like miles and miles away. And when you're two young people with limited resources? You refuse to take cabs. And even if you give in and take the monorail on the last day because your blisters are really bad and you pulled both of your calves, it takes HALF AN HOUR to walk through the MGM to get to the ENTRANCE of the monorail... So, yeah, we walked A LOT.

FAIL: Dessert... frozen hot chocolates... milkshakes... chocolate ganache between two glazed donuts so it looks like a burger... totally worth it, though.

FIT: Um... I'll have to think about that.

FAIL: Frozen alcoholic drinks from slushy machines served in oversized souvenier cups... probably not the healthiest, but pretty damn awesome.

FIT: Over-priced stuck up restaurants that serve TINY portions so you don't have a lot to eat.

FAIL: Eating too much meat.

FIT: Sitting at the slot machine for a long time because pushing that button over and over again is TOTALLY a workout...

Now we're back and I'm getting on track. I'm watching what I eat and exercising again.

But I really miss the dessert.

Confessions of a Born-Again Omnivore

2009-05-23T11:51:00.001-06:00

I've been a vegetarian for almost two years.

Sort of.

I still ate fish. And I adopted the Joey Tribbiani rule and ate meat when I was overseas.

(Greece is not Greece without a gyro.)

But recently I've been thinking a lot about why I wasn't eating meat. I've never been someone who thought that eating meat was wrong, or "not natural"... I absolutely think that eating meat is okay... but for a time I decided that it wasn't for me.

Lately, though, I realized that I wasn't eating meat because I didn't want to let OTHER people down (mostly my vegetarian friends and family members)... and that's not a good way to live.

So I've decided that at this point in my life, I'm eating meat. If I change my mind sometime in the future, so be it.

With all of that said, I have some advice for those of you who ever change from eating little to no meat to making it a more substantial part of your diet.

It's not the BEST idea to go to Vegas and visit a restaurant that has "all-you-can-eat-meat-on-skewers" a few days after you start eating it again...

Because even if you don't eat a TON of food... you will probably eat ENOUGH of the pork and grilled pineapple or things wrapped in bacon, and then you will regret it.

Especially when you have to walk a few miles back to your hotel.

And even though you'll try to make it back to your room, you'll probably end up throwing up in an alley next to some hotel (don't worry... it was one of the older, tacky ones, so it doesn't really matter) in front of a whole crowd of people...

It's one thing to throw up in Vegas because you had too much fun drinking at the bars... but throwing up because you ate too much pork? Embarrassing.

Really, really embarrassing.

And kind of sad.

So... if you ever make the change back to omnivore-y... take it slow.

Persuasion

2009-05-22T18:44:00.003-06:00

I came up with an excellent plan to keep Bonnie from barking.

Each time she barks, one dollar from her allowance goes into a bucket, aptly named "The Bark Bucket".

(It's the same concept as having to put a dollar in a jar every time you cuss... not that I have a problem with that.)

But when I told Bonnie about my plan? She ran outside and barked.

Which is pretty much like giving me the middle finger.

(Bitch.)

THEN I realized that OF COURSE she wouldn't care because she doesn't get an allowance...

So I thought that I should start giving her an allowance.

But then I remembered that she's a dog...

And she would therefore just spend all of her allowance on treats that taste like bacon.

Which would be irresponsible.

So she's still barking.

But I still labeled a bucket "The Bark Bucket", just in case.

Fit or Fail: Taking a Break Edition

2009-05-17T16:50:00.004-06:00

Sometimes you need to take a break from counting calories and only eating the healthy items on the menu.

You need to take a break from drinking only diet and saying "no" to that awesome desert.

The next few days are my break.

I'm going to Las Vegas, and you can bet your ass that I won't be freaking out about diet and exercise.

Going to a buffet is no fun when you're watching what you eat.

(The whole point of a buffet is being able to mix Italian food with Chinese food and taking a bite of each version of pie and cake available.)

(Duh...)

And I don't want to spend the whole trip freaking out. I want to go have fun. I want to have some cookies. I want to have a couple (or more) drinks.

(And let's face it: the drinks that have all of those calories are ALWAYS more fun on vacation. Light beer is for BBQs at home. Something frozen with hard alcohol? For the pool.)

I can count and burn calories when I get home...

So this trip will not be about fit or fail... it's about fun.

(And eating... a lot...)

(Can I get a "hell yes"?)

(PS: I promise more blog posts are coming soon... the last week has been crazy, but I've got a whole lot to share with you all... when I get back from vacation, of course.)

I May be "Wrong" but my Logic is Decent...

2009-05-12T12:19:00.006-06:00

Yesterday Mike and I dug a tree stump out of my dad's front yard.

(Okay... Mike dug the hole and got the huge tree stump out.

(I helped by reading to him... and then I helped fill the hole back up.)

(Because I am strong.)

(And because Mike was about to throw up from digging a hole for five hours.)

While I was shoveling the dirt back into the big hole I asked my dad what an ermine was.

He said it was a stoat.

I then asked what a stoat was.

He said it's a weasel.

Then I said that that must mean that the worm that I just saw wasn't an ermine because I was totally going to say "look at that gross ermine" and then I would have been wrong.

But I think that an ermine sounds more like it should be an insect or bug or something creepy-crawly and not this:
I would name THAT Richard. Not Ermine.

Then we started talking about building traps by digging holes and covering them up with hay so that someone falls into it.

Apparently my dad did this to his dad and even though my grandfather almost broke his neck my dad says that it was hilarious.

So I said that dad should have been a musketeer.

And dad asked why he would be a Mouseketeer.

And I said like Davy Crockett.

And Mike said "Frontiersman".

And I said that's what I meant.

(Except not really. Musketeer totally made sense in my head.)

And then Dad started singing the Davy Crockett song so I joined in and started screaming "Fe-fi-fidily-i-oh, fe-fi-fidily-i-ohohohoh" and Dad said that that's not the Davy Crockett song.

And I said I was pretty sure that good ol' Davy was in the kitchen with Dinah.

And Dad said no.

And then I asked if Davy at least played the banjo.

And Dad said no.

And then I decided that maybe Davy Crockett should have played the banjo in that kitchen with Dinah because if he had a hobby like playing the banjo then maybe he wouldn't have killed all of those animals for hats and instead joined a band.

So, overall... I was wrong a lot yesterday.

Fit or Fail: Closet Case Edition

2009-05-10T21:55:00.003-06:00

I'm trying very hard to focus on the progress of my fitness as much as on the results. And part of that progress involves taking a look at me. Inside and out. And the way I look on the outside isn't just about how much I weigh or how toned my legs look... it's about what I look like on a day-to-day basis.

So this week I cleaned out my wardrobe.

Usually this is an activity that causes much turmoil, self-loathing, and denial.

Do I throw this really cute dress that I've never worn but might after I lose ten pounds in the "gone" pile?

Why doesn't this shirt look good on me?

I'll totally wear these pants... totally.

And? I still end up with an overflowing closet and dresser.

So this time I went into the process with a brutal attitude.

Haven't worn it in the last year (or two)?

Gone.

That shirt that I got at a concert 6 years ago but I haven't worn since the day after the concert and doesn't even fit because I shrunk it but am keeping because it has "sentimental value"?

Gone.

Can't fit into it?

Gone.

Can fit into it but it looks like I shouldn't be able to fit into it but if I lost 15 pounds it might look okay?

Gone.

I took all of my clothes out of the closet and dresser, and tried everything on, one by one.

And if it didn't look great, didn't make me feel great, or hadn't been worn for a long time? It went into one of those huge black trash bags made for lawn clippings.

At the end I had a much emptier closet and a dresser with drawers that closed.

My goal? To move on.

I've fallen into the habit of wearing the same 10 outfits. And 9 of those outfits include the same pair of jeans and a baggy t-shirt.

Why? Because I'm trying to hide. I'm trying to tell myself (and everyone else) that I don't really care. That I'm okay being "blah".

But I'm not.

A t-shirt and jeans is easy. I can just be nothing in it.

But I'm done.

That's why I got rid of all of the clothes that made me feel less than great.

That's why I put the t-shirts in the bottom drawer of the dresser, reserved only for exercise, sleep, cleaning, or lazy afternoons at home.

I realized that all of the clothes that I had left were brown, gray, or black.

I realized that I didn't really have anything left.

So I went to those awesome stores where the average price for a shirt is $12.50 and got outfits that made me smile when I was in the dressing room (not a usual occurrence).

I got shirts with color.

I got a dress with patterns.

I got pants in a material other than denim.

And I came home and hung them in my closet, on display so that I can actually see them and want to wear them.

And today? It rained... so I couldn't really wear any of my super cute outfits... so that sucked.

But tomorrow? I'm wearing something new, exciting, and me.

(As long as it stops raining... I don't want to get my cute new clothes damp... they're super cheap, and therefore don't really last in adverse conditions... but I still love them.)

Next up... cleaning out my shoes and purses. I fear my logic and unwavering discipline won't last through that stage in the spring cleaning process...

A Lawn Story

2009-05-06T14:33:00.007-06:00

Yard work has never really been my forte.

When I was younger my dad told me to mow the lawn on the rider mower. I tried to tell him that this was a bad idea but he insisted that I was being over dramatic so I had to do it anyway.

It was terrifying but I did it and I even managed to make all of these pretty zigzag patterns in the grass.

(Driving one of those things in a straight line is HARD, y'all.)

Dad was not pleased and that was the last time that I was asked to use the rider mower.

(Not that I'm complaining. Being 15 and having one less chore is pretty much awesome.)

Now I have my own lawn to mow. And today was the first day this season that I did it.

Because of all of the rainy weather we've had over the past month our lawn was in desperate need of a shave.

The last thing Mike told me before he left for work was to not mow over the hose.

So I was a good yard worker and I went to move the hose before I forgot. But the hose was all covered in leaves and I was CONVINCED that there was a snake living in there. I got this vision of me reaching down for the hose and accidentally grabbing a snake and it freaked me out... so there's a patch around the hose of really long grass...

And then I ran over a ladybug. It was like slow motion where I was moving the lawn mower and I saw the ladybug RIGHT as I gave a big push and I was like "NOOOOOoooooooo" and I moved the mower and couldn't find the poor thing... I want to say that it flew away or burrowed into the ground, but I'm pretty sure that I'm actually a murderer and I just have to live with that.

Later I saw another ladybug flying and I was like "OH SHIT... what if that's the dead (murdered) ladybug's significant other... or a relative... or what if they were best friends who had a pact that if neither one of them had mated by the time they were 2 weeks old they'd give it a go together..."

So then I just felt depressed.

I'm pretty sure that's the only creature I killed, though.

I think...

The lawn looks nice now, and that's what's really important.

Except for that's kind of a lie because it doesn't actually look that good. For being such an organized person I have a very sporadic approach to mowing grass. I guess I'm just a fan of fun patterns because I have all of these swirly lines across my lawn and even though it looks pretty it's not exactly what I imagined.

I would mow a little for awhile and then turn around to see that I had missed a scalene triangle of grass without me actually noticing. So I had to go back and then I'd notice that some of the grass was still wet so it just went flat and wasn't actually cut... so it'll be interesting to see how that looks once it dries.

At one point I realized that I had given my lawn a mohawk (completely on accident). It was super punk rock but, let's face it, a mohawk is a tad cliche now, plus I don't think the landlord would appreciate it.

So now it sort of looks like Homer Simpson's head... mostly bald except for a few spots with about 3 stray hairs...

Awesome.

AND... the hoses were not run over.

Mission? Accomplished.

(PS: If you need a great read for the summer, Jen Lancaster's new book came out yesterday! Pretty In Plaid is sure to be full of laughs and pure awesomeness... AND it's about the 80s (aka The Decade Ally B Began to Exist and Therefore the Most Magical of All Decades... plus there was great music...) So go get it.)

Fit or Fail: French Fries vs Puppies Edition

2009-05-03T15:39:00.005-06:00

This week was weird because I pretty much did nothing but eat bad food and not exercise (FAILs), but I had my biggest results yet... so... I'm going to talk about something else instead.

My gym used to be right next door to a McDonald's.

If you are looking into building a gym, putting it next to a McDonald's is just an asshole thing to do.

When I left the gym my entire brain would fill with the smell of FRENCH FRIES. Fresh, salty, greasy french fries.

And I would start to salivate.

I would then start to have that conversation in my head (you've all had it) where I would tell myself that eating some french fries wouldn't be the end of the world... and a milkshake would be okay too... and maybe some chicken nuggets, because chicken is good for you...

So I would run to the car after each exercise session to avoid the McDonald's drive through...

Only to have to drive by the DAIRY QUEEN on the other side of the gym.

All in all: it was just cruel.

(But, if I were doing this then, I would have gotten a lot of FITs because I didn't succumb to the french fry smell once... because I'm awesome... it still sucked, though. I don't like having to enforce my self-control... it's just not as fun as eating french fries.)

Then the gym moved across town. Now it's next to the DMV and across the parking lot from a sex shop.

(Classy.)

So when I leave the gym now I just want to put my head down and get the hell out of there.

(Just so you know, the people who patron the sex shop are often less scary then the people at the DMV.)

But today? What did they have in front of the gym?

A bus from the Humane Society, filled with sad, homeless dogs ready to come home with me.

And that? Is pretty much worse than french fries and ice cream.

Paranoia in Run-On Sentences

2009-05-01T13:54:00.005-06:00

You know when your significant other is out working late and then hanging out with his friends even later and your at home because you have to get up really early and your watching TV and then you fall asleep on the couch and then you hear your dog pacing back and forth and back and forth because you've taken up the whole couch and she/he just can't seem to realize that sometimes dogs have to sleep on the floor?

Then you think that maybe she/he has to pee and you're afraid that she/he will pee in the house because she/he has an over-active bladder problem so you drag yourself off of the couch and take her/him outside and you tell her/him to "go pee" and so she/he sits down and... spends about 45 seconds scratching her/his ear.

So you wait because you really don't want her/him to pee inside and you're freezing so you sort of scream at her/him to "GO PEE" and so she/he brings you a tennis ball and then sits down and... scratches the other ear for 35 seconds.

So you say "fuck it" and go inside and decide you might as well just go to bed so you turn off all of the lights and climb into bed and the dogs fall asleep immediately on their dog beds and you close your eyes and are ready to go to sleep because you have to get up in 5 hours.

And then you hear all of these weird noises.

Creaks.

Thumps.

Bizarre scratching noises.

So you open your eyes and listen really carefully and the dogs don't move so you assume that it must be nothing.

Then you keep hearing weird noises and even though you tell yourself that it's nothing you're actually thinking that there is a ~~zombie~~ burglar outside and you get a little nervous but you keep saying that if the dogs aren't barking or freaking out then it must be nothing but THEN you start thinking that your dogs are either deaf or at the very least COMPLETELY USELESS.

So you start imagining what would happen if a burglar got into the house and if the dogs would attack the crook or if your dogs would sleep through it or if your dogs would just kiss the asshole and you start resenting your dogs for not protecting you.

Then you hear a car door and you hold your breath because you think that it's probably your significant other but what if it's a burglar or rapist who's just really noisy and then you hear the keys in the door and the dogs get up and bark a lot and you're thankful that they're not deaf and then you hear your significant other and you jump out of bed and run into the wall because it's dark and you don't have your glasses on and you got a head rush from jumping out of bed but that doesn't stop you from running to him/her and screaming "THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME! THERE ARE SCARY NOISES!!"

And he/she looks at you like you're kind of pathetic and he/she clearly feels a little sorry for you because you have obviously lost your mind.

So you go back to bed because you have to get up in less than 4 hours and you close your eyes and suddenly... all of the scary noises stop.

So you realize what this means... your significant other obviously has magic powers.

Thank Brad.

(True story.)

Walk Tease

2009-04-28T14:00:00.004-06:00

The dogs assaulted me with non-stop sad and pathetic eyes today, causing me to feel guilty about not taking them out in awhile.

(It was rainy and I have a cold, but do they care about that? Not so much.)

So I lassoed them up and set out towards the great yonder (aka, CU Boulder).

Then a very sexy man on a bike rode by and I screamed out "hey hot stuff" and he stopped and I realized it was MY sexy man (thank goodness) and so he came over to say "hi".

And the dogs? Were NOT happy to see him. They finally get out of the house and I stop to talk to their father... who we see ALL THE TIME! They looked at me like I was torturing their very souls by wasting valuable walking time with this NONSENSE.

(Even though we had important things to discuss... like how he just finished a very long bike ride (show-off) and how I needed to paint my toenails... see, important.)

But then he left and the dogs were more than ready to continue our very exciting journey which included wet grass to roll in (woohoo), goose poop to eat (of course), and we even got to see two squirrels getting it on.

(Don't worry... I averted their eyes... they're not even four years old...)

(Hannah wanted to chase the fornicating creatures and I informed her that FOUR Americans die of rabies every year and I'll be damned if she's one of them.)

(Then a guy jogging by looked at me weird for watching squirrel sex and talking to my dog.)

So over all, Spring has sprung.

And the dogs are now happy.

Even though Bonnie tried to trip me while we crossed the street.

(Damn dog.)

I tell myself that it was an accident.

(In other news I got a haircut that I hate and it's making me so depressed that even squirrel sex can't make me feel better.)

(That sounded sad... and like I usually enjoy squirrel sex... which I don't.)

(Really... I'm not some squirrel loving freak...)

(Seriously.)

Fit or Fail: Let's Just Move on Edition

2009-04-26T16:15:00.004-06:00

You know how I've been on a role with all of these FIT weeks...

Well...

This week? Not so much.

It started off pretty well; lots of exercise, riding bikes instead of driving, and eating pretty well.

And then I hit a wall.

And that wall was a big wall with a lot of Thai and Indian food on it.

And I decided to climb that wall and eat a whole lot of curry and noodles and naan.

(Mmm... naan.)

And then I got a cold. And I don't want to go to the gym when I have a cold (although I apparently have no problem going to a new Thai restaurant with a cold).

So I pretty much lost at this whole FIT or FAIL game this week. Especially in the last three days.

But I got my butt out of bed this morning (early afternoon) and went to the gym and walked for an hour on the treadmill (with hills and everything).

Hopefully that's a sign and I'll have a better time this week.

But we all need a few FAILs once in awhile, especially if the FAIL involves Pad Thai, Basmati Rice, and Saag Paneer.

Because those things make it totally worth it... at least every now and then.

(PS: If you read this on Sunday, Care.Com is having their last day of their Free Weekend, so be sure to take advantage.)

(PPS: I found a super cute purse for $4.98 today... I know that has nothing to do with fitness, but I'm so proud and excited that I'm giving myself a FIT for it anyway...)

Don't Say I Never Gave you Anything...

2009-04-21T14:05:00.008-06:00

I read all sorts of blogs and a lot of them have special offers or free things to give away.

They are way cooler and nicer than me.

But then I got an email from the wonderful people at Care.Com.

The email said that they had a very special offer coming up this weekend and wanted me (and you all) to be a part of it.

(Why? Because you are all AWESOME... or something like that...)

Care.Com is a site that lists caregivers by zip code for their members to look up and use. There are babysitters, tutors, housekeepers, and even care for your elders.

So I looked at the site and was all "I don't have human children... And when I do have kids I'm going to hire me a very attractive male nanny to live with us. So why would I need a babysitter?"

(Don't worry, Mike. The attractive male nanny will be gay...)

But then they pointed out that they have a whole section for pet sitters, and they actually saw my blog and are therefore aware that I have two dogs...

(Which made me feel special... and a little silly for telling everyone about my future hot gay manny.)

Well, I usually just ask a friend or family member to stay with Bonnie and Hannah if we're out of town.

But sometimes our usual sitters are busy.

Or are also out of town.

Or are going out of town WITH us.

Or just had double-knee replacement surgery.

(Can you say "selfish"?)

So I could see how using this site would be extremely helpful.

Plus, it's super easy.

You just join the site and then enter your zip code.

Then, pages of caregiver profiles come up on the screen. These profiles include a picture, a biography, past experience, education levels, any qualifications or hobbies that would apply to watching your pet, and some even have references.

You can also request a (FREE) background check.

(Which is just fun to do... it makes me feel powerful... like the President... or the President's secretary, because I doubt that the President has to request his own background checks... I assume that they do that before the President enters the equation... at least I would HOPE so, because really, the President has more important things to do than to request his dog walker's background check...)

The profile also includes the days that they are available and what they are willing to do (take your dog for walks, administer medication, or even spend the night).

So, if I can't convince someone to stay with the dogs during our next trip, I will totally be using this site.

And guess what? If you visit Care.Com from midnight (PST) on Friday, April 24th to 11:59 PM on Sunday the 26th you can have FREE premium access to the site and you can see what I've been talking about.

So, if you think that this site might be useful for you and your pets (or your human children), you might as well go check it out.

And don't ever say that I never did anything for you...